How did you deal with meeting the “other woman”

[Stripitout]

Divorced for 2 years.

So far I’ve had no occasion to meet her. Ex has never forced a meeting, DC stay with them obviously but no need for us to ever talk or meet.

Something coming up this month which we will both attend. Ex did call and say she would like to be there but wouldn’t attend if I had strong feelings about it. I’ve said let her come.

So how did you deal with the first meeting? How would you deal with it?

Make sure you have no weapons handy.

Is she the other woman, as in he had an affair with her whilst married. Or he met her later after you split. Former I would say absolutely no chuffing way. Latter no problem I would probably just nod at her.

The former…they had a 3 year affair.

Yes 3 years

Jesus you’re a good woman. My husband’s ex refuses to be in the same room as me and I wasn’t even the other woman!

What will she do at weddings etc ?!

My now ex MIL isn't interested in meeting her sons new woman so I'm certainly not on the list. I'd like to warn her though. But actually given what he's told her about me, and how she was happy to listen, I'll let her find out the very very very hard way.

I remember being with my Mum the first time she saw (I cannot say they met, because neither of the spoke) the woman my Dad had left her for. mum looked at me, and said with incredulity "is that her?" . I think Mum had built the other woman up in her own mind as being some kind of goddess, the woman was plain and insignificant looking.

It did my Mum the world of good.

Good luck, opening poster.

they had a very nasty break up so people took sides. He vowed he would never marry then married me and she took it really badly. We’ve never attended anything together. It’s sad really.

This is very like my granny’s story. My granny was quite glamorous back in the day but her and my grandad were very toxic together. He left her after getting the OW pregnant. She saw the other woman a few years later and couldn’t believe how she looked. I met her (I was the first grandchild and was born a year after they split) when I was 4 and I asked my grandad (not knowing who she was) why his friend was a man but had a woman’s voice. She didn’t hear thank god!

I met her through work as we were in the same profession and our paths crossed. It was about 2-3 years after he'd gone. It hurt but it was quite honestly interesting to see her after all the anguish.
We chatted pleasantly about work.

I met her 17 years later, again through work. We chatted pleasantly and were generally grown up. Frankly after all that time I couldn't have cared less.

I would wear something that makes me feel good and then try to relax and not care what she thinks. But I would also try to look fabulous without making it look as if I'd made any effort. No idea how to do that!

Just go right up to her and say 'hey, really good to meet you in person'. Say hi to the ex in similar positive tone.

Bring up some small talk about the event. 'Ah can't wait for x,y,z' or anything neutral. Then do the 'ok got to go find my seat', or whatever excuse and go off.

Your children will forever appreciate you for this.

There's really something powerful in taking the high road. She'll probably be a bit confused. You'll feel good about this down the road though.

Your husband had an affair behind your back for 3 years so she's not really someone to resent or envy considering she's now lumbered with a man who could do that.

How would you deal with it?

What's the event? A school thing where you'll both be in the audience but actually will have no need to interact in any way? Or a smaller thing?

I think no good would come from being anything other than polite in a cool (as in not warm), detached sort of way . Particularly if the children will be around.

Well done op, and it's good that he checked too

A bit of chat, the dc will see the adults can be civil. Hats off to you

I like that @Tittat50. Take charge and make the first move

I think you’re fantastic for agreeing to be at the event with her and I really hope it goes well.

I’m another one who wasn’t the OW (DH and his ex had been separated nearly a year before we met) but 19 years later she still refuses to go anywhere near me so I’ve never been able to go to any of DSS’s milestone events. I’m not his mother, so of course she should take priority, but it makes her son really sad that he has to choose.

School event but with mixing

Cool and detached was what I was going for - hard line to find without coming off as rude

I want to go for totally unbothered and nonchalant

So how did you deal with the first meeting? How would you deal with it?

I would be at the 'something' but I would not interact with someone who was shagging my husband behind my back for years. Fuck that.

@BangingOn completely ridiculous.

I'm quite sure there was overlap between me and new partner. It would have been about 6-8 months and I don't care at all anymore. But it has been some time since.

The most I've ever seen my child upset and stressed is when he sees or feels tension between us all. It's devastating for them.

She's more likely to be nicer and feel warmer towards your children when they're with her if she feels some sense of warmth from you as their mum .
Yes it sucks but it's more powerful to be decent.

by the way, its always a trifle nerve wracking the first time you meet someone. If I were honest, I’d just keep it cordial and play things by ear to what the other person is there for. a little bit of kindness and confidence goes a long way and you’re already doing it really well by letting her come. That is why you are doing this, for your peace of mind. Wishing you lots of strength😊

Why does she want to go to the school event? Do the children particularly want her there?

While it was your ex who betrayed you not her - I am surprised she wants to go to the event given a lot of the parents and teachers will know what happened!

Act as if a there was a friend of a friend who you don’t like but you don’t completely ignore either.

I think @Tittat50 has the best approach. It is a strong, positive approach, and is setting the stall for meeting at years of public events. It will probably put your children at ease too.

I like her. We are several years on now. I can’t remember our first encounter but she’s good to my dc and that’s all that matters to me. I would never have believed when he left that I’d ever feel this way but life’s too short for hatred, I’m too lazy for it and prefer an easy life.

Be calm, be cool, be breezy, be polite, be the bigger person.

But, above everything else, make sure you look absolutely fabulous.

Not quite Diana's revenge dress but as close as you can get in the particular social circumstances.