Autistic child being extremely unkind

[unkindness]

Is this a development stage ? I don’t know what to do.

dd is 5, diagnosed at 3. In the last month (since starting school) has started being extremely unkind to her siblings and us . It’s not things to our knowledge she has ever been exposed to as we are kind and gentle parent etc. She is coming out with awful things and then is visibly ecstatic when she upsets or hurts someone?

Is this some kind of emotion test? Some kind of way to see people’s reactions? Has she seen or heard unkindness at school and is just copying? I don’t know how to deal with it. I have been saying it’s not nice to make other people sad but she just asks ‘why?’ And if I explain it further she just stares like she doesn’t understand at all she just wants the reaction ?

She didn’t go to nursery prior to school only toddler groups with activities set up so she was able to be solitary . I’m wondering if at school it’s such a new environment and she’s witnessing other children socialising in good and bad ways and she’s just copying and repeating some things she’s heard as she hasn’t really seen much conflict before and she seems to be seeking that out? She has started to repeat over and over too at each mealtime ‘snack time children’ and when she wants a snack she will now get my hand and tap it on the cupboard and say ‘snack time children ‘ so I feel like this is all repeated phrases and then also behaviour because of school and she’s just learning ?

Wel that's quite a drip feed tbh. If this is the case she is clearly repeating phrases she's heard at school I would imagine. Assuming she's in mainstream, or in school with other verbal children as you mention school, you wouldn't believe what reception children talk about these days. Lots of influence from gaming/internet, plus some will have older siblings
I would 100% start with speaking to school.

Sorry i didn’t mean to drip feed at all

My ND son could laugh after something unkind happening to someone, also just being pretty difficult with other kids. Another child my son cares for alot got hurt and my son smiled, laughed. I reacted quite strongly in my words, he then cried. To people watching it could look sadistic but I know it isn't.

This situation is completely different now child is a young teen. It's just a process of continually repeating and explaining. My son also saw the natural consequences of some things ( no one likes you if you do this), which is really harsh but it did change things.

He has lots of friends, is very sociable. A large proportion of his friends are ND though but many aren't. He still doesn't entirely get certain things but understands societal rules which will serve him better so he's incentivised to remember them now. For example, it's a good idea to support your team mates and not highlight every time how shit they are if they miss a goal.

It doesn't help you right now but basically over time with repetition it will improve I believe.

The poster talking about toddler group bans made me laugh. I had to leave 2 I tried to get involved with as my child would smack me round the head and I just couldn't face the bloody embarrassment of it all 🤣. I can laugh now as we're worlds away.

@unkindness given your update, I think you need to reframe the way you're thinking. She isn't being unkind, at all. She is just repeating phrases she's heard and showing interest in the result.

Right and wrong applies to us all, OP, including animals. If your DD’s cognate enough to be in school, she’s got enough brainpower to learn cruelty isn’t ok.

You are oversimplifying things. With my autistic children (and they are chalk and cheese), one commonality was knowing that wrong = bad and right =good, but the difficulty lay in figuring out what was wrong/bad and what was right/good in each and every social situation.

The same with cruelty. Is it cruel to tell a person they have food in their teeth? Or is that the right thing to do because you’re looking out for them and know they’d be embarrassed to get home and realise they’ve been looking like that all afternoon? Is the cruel thing to say nothing and let them go around chatting and making people snicker because they have food in their teeth?

The concept of a white lie is foreign to most autistic children and even when they get it as a lie that makes a person feel good and can overcome the rigid rule following lying is bad, they rarely known when or how to use it properly and end up being told off for lying!

If hearing the same things said to her wouldn't bother her, then it will be hard for her to empathise. Can you relate it back to her in terms of cause and effect - when you are unkind, people will be upset. If they are upset, they won't want to play with you / share with you / do as you ask etc whichever natural consequence you think she may genuinely be bothered by. That seems to work better for my son than trying to get him to imagine others' feelings.
You sound like a lovely parent! Hope things get easier for you x

She just is so aggressive how she is saying things and there is a clear ‘step back’ to wait for a reaction which she seems so excited by but I’m assuming that’s because it’s the same as whatever she has seen happen ? I think today though she did look concerned when we used the phrases and actions we use to calm her when she is very unhappy on Ds she was very quiet and staring and looked confused so I do think that might be something that ‘gets through’

She is, perhaps, mimicking. DD2 probably seemed aggressive when she marched over to the computer a boy was using and switched it off. Teacher had said everyone stop, he didn't, so she did.

We have to try and see what motivates a behaviour so that we can adjust the behaviour.

How are the other kids treating her at school? Does she have enough supervision at lunchtimes to make sure she isn’t being picked on and bullied?

I’ve been told she doesn’t talk to or play with the other children annd if she is approached she will get upset or move away to play alone, and although we chat to her on the way home she has never told us anything about her day. One day she was making some phonics sounds so we assume that was what she had learnt that day but other than that it’s a bit of a mystery

My ND dd does this she sometimes just gets stuck in a cycle for the day. I think it’s the old cause and effect enjoyment

If she gets upset when other children approach her I’d check with the teacher that other children are being kind and ask if the playtime staff know about her additional needs (assuming she doesn’t have 1 to 1 supervision at playtimes).