Can someone explain destination wedding etiquette to me?

[Chattenoire]

My BIL is getting married in Italy in two years time. It will be during half-term. I know our eldest won't be able to attend as he'll be in uni.

But with so many of us (5) it wouldn't be cheap for all of us to attend.

Would it be frowned upon if only my DH attends? What about presents are we still supposed to give them something?

The etiquette is you're invited, you RSVP if you can go or not and then they accept that.

If your DH is attending I'd still expect you would send a gift / card to the wedding, not necessarily of monetary significance, but a lovely card with a nice message and perhaps something else.

If you've been in the family a long time it would make probably be nice if more of you went, but if the money is a problem it's totally understandable. If the DC are old enough to be left, it might be nice if both you and DH went?

Have they confirmed if they're paying anything towards travel costs at all? Sometimes for family the couple contribute to flights / hotel.

No, no mention of subsidising our travel costs.

All of our other DC are too young to be left alone, certainly the youngest one would seem unlikely (7) by then.

I've been in the family for 7 years, so definitely not new!

I wouldn't say it's a matter of etiquette so much as a matter of what is possible. If you can only afford for DH to go then that is just the fact of the matter. I would still give a gift. It doesn't have to be something big or expensive - even just a box of chocolates with a message in the card saying "something sweet to start your married life together". Is that too cringe?! I think it would be nice. My cousin got me and DH some cake forks embossed with Mr Today and Mrs Today. We use them every day!__

Why would you not give a present for BIL wedding whether attending or not. That's nuts super right. Send DH with prezzie and the rest stay in UK

Well because attending is the present! That's the way I'd look at it. We're talking at the very least £500 for one of us to geT there!

Would it be frowned upon if only my DH attends?

I've sat there staring at this for ages, wondering if it's a trick question? 🤣😳

Literally no-one here knows what your husbands family may/may not frown upon?

But I'm guessing at least you or your DH should have some clue?

If I were him I'd go on my own and buy a small, thoughtful gift.

Where on earth in Italy is it? £500 for one person in 2 yes time? Unless you're not in the UK.

All destination weddings I've been to have had part of the accommodation paid for and most of the food all put on so very little spends other than travel.

If its half term could you leave the eldest in charge of the others for 2 days and you and DH go?

Or all go and turn it into a holiday?

Ordinarily I hate the whole destination wedding thing unless one side of the family are from that country. I just think it's selfish. However, when it's a close family member I think you have to do everything you can to go. You've got two years to save and Italy isn't the other side of the world. You could do it in 2 nights if you absolutely had to.
Personally I'd try hard to make it possible because it's family.

We went to our friends' adult son's wedding in abroad. My husband, me and three adult kids:

Airport parking
Flights
45 minute each way taxi transfers to the village where the wedding was being held
The Friday night and Saturday nights in a hotel
Dinner on the Friday night
Breakfast on the Saturday
Taxis to the wedding venue on the wedding day
Breakfast on the Sunday
Airport snacks for five
It cost us a fortune.

I bought them a present but it was about £100 - from all five of us. I had bought a much more generous gift when his sister got married because it wasn't a destination wedding.

Read an article some years ago when destination weddings were a new thing. Advice was your presence and expense of attending was enough.

Somehow it seems destination hen/stag and weddings and a gift are expected. Very expensive, especially when family/friends are similar ages so multiple weddings over a couple of years.

You have two years to plan, save money and buy the cheapest flight as soon as they go online (usually 11 months in advance). Italy is a short haul flight and you can get cheap options. I thought you were going to say Thailand or something.

Nonsense! £500 pp is if you book a flight the day before maybe.Where in Italy is this wedding? Buy the flights w Ryanair or Easyjet as soon as they go online.

combine with a beach or city break or fly back after two nights. Two years to plan you should be able to get excellent deals.

We've looked at the tickets and the Ryanair from Manchester is £170 in October and not necessarily half term, so I'd expect it to be higher. Most major airports are at the VERY least 4 hours away. So add at least £80 for the fuel, and most likely 1 night hotel. (We always have to again because of distances and travel times). Parking would be another £100 on top (because the whole thing is supposed to be 3 nights) plus the hotel of at least £80 if he shares with relative. That times three plus meals (as they're only paying the one on the wedding day)

So £170 + £80 + £80 + 100 + £240 = £670 I'm assuming they'd chip in for transportation to and from the airport over there, but wouldn't count on it.

I think you do what you do and that's fine. If you can't afford it you can't go.

I went to a destination wedding where they said our presence was enough and they didn't need gifts. As it cost us over £1500 I took that at face value and didn't buy them.anything!

I loved the wedding I must say. I went somewhere I wouldn't necessarily have chosen and I really liked that aspect of it. It was a real experience and one I'll always remember.

You buy a gift because you love them, and want to wish them well. Or not. That has nothing to do with attendance at the wedding.
If you don't want to go to the wedding, you don't have to go.
But - if you're in the UK - Italy isn't far, and you have 2 years to save up. Why not just extend your stay for a few days, and make it a family holiday? Then you're paying for a holiday, not a wedding..... and in a lovely country.

It’s in 2 years time. If you really wanted to go you’d find a way, but sounds like you’re already looking for excuses not to. If so, just say it now and manage everyone’s expectations.
If that’s not the case, how about looking at it as a nice opportunity to go to Italy and - as others have said - make it into a family holiday.
Of course it’s expensive, but (hopefully) he’ll only do this once and if you like him and his fiancée, and are part of their family, why wouldn’t you want to celebrate with them?

Most of those overheads would be the same if you joined him though? So it's not that much per head.

Couldn't he get a bus to the airport if its just him? Probs £20 retun or something rather than fuel, parking, hotel.

Haven't thought of the bus, but yes there's a national express for £60 to LHR.

So not £20, but at least he wouldn't spend on parking + fuel.

We had already planned our holiday for 2026 (to the world cup as we have free accommodation). I don't know how the DC would feel about the change of destination.

Drive down to London and fly to a local airport. It's only a short flight so I think that'd be fine. But then I absolutely adore italy and would make this an excuse for a longer trip family holiday. Italy is the best for kids.
But it does sound just like you don't want to go.
Send who you can afford. But I'd give a decent gift if no one goes.

We had this sort of issue among our wider family a few years ago. One male relative was organising his lavish destination wedding and was really annoyed that his young, newly-married and not very well-off sister decided that she and her DH wouldn't be able to afford to go. He said she had two whole years to save up, and just couldn't grasp that if she were able to save that amount of money, she would have other (more important) expenses and things to spend it on than going to his wedding.

I think it's fairly hard to justify it when I've only met them a handful of times. I think last time I saw them was two maybe even three years ago. Same for the DC (our 5yo have met them 3 times).

So it's not like they're super close to us.

You are planning to go to the US for football and complain you can’t afford to fly to Italy in 2 years. Just admit you don’t want to go and use the money for the football games instead. Why even start a thread?

Is only the youngest both yours then? Are the older dc yours or Dh's?

Have you already made plans for your main holiday in two years time? Could this not be part of your main holiday?

I'm visiting family too! My DC haven't seen my side of the family in many many years, so it was 2 birds one stone type of thing.

We've already paid off our holiday for next year, so it's not like I can move it forward.