Can someone explain destination wedding etiquette to me?

[Chattenoire]

My BIL is getting married in Italy in two years time. It will be during half-term. I know our eldest won't be able to attend as he'll be in uni.

But with so many of us (5) it wouldn't be cheap for all of us to attend.

Would it be frowned upon if only my DH attends? What about presents are we still supposed to give them something?

lol, that’s not my experience 😂 Definitely needed to pay for my own accommodation. Latest destination wedding cost £5k for 5 of us plus about £2k spends

A close relationship like a brother assuming you all get on and are relatively close. I would say if you can afford it everyone goes but if you can't or logistically it's a nightmare it's also fine for dh to go

most recent family destination wedding was a fantastic holiday. We stayed in hotel with most of the other guests and the kids were occupied my family 24/7. Much more chilled than holidays by ourselves

If you can possibly afford, I would say definitely worth replacing your usual family holiday (if you have one) with the wedding.

I think that expecting to dictate what family members spend large chunks of their money on is worse etiquette than refusing to spend that money 🤷‍♀️

I'd say that the destination is clearly more important to them than the guests. If you choose an expensive overseas wedding, then you have to understand that many people won't be able to attend. Spend what you can afford. Definitely never get into debt just because of "etiquette".

Oh come on now! I am married to a Brit and from a different country. We shouldn’t have weddings in our home countries? Why?

It’s not a destination wedding, it’s getting married in the place you are from!

I didn't get married in my home country to not alienate his family! Anyway we ended up getting married mid COVID so nobody could come anyway, but one of the reasons we didn't get married in the country I was born was because of the cost to everyone else.

I've had a chat with my DH and he thinks it's best if he only goes there for the wedding and don't stay any extra days. He says he'd rather we didn't change our plans.

I think it's incredibly self indulgent to get married abroad and expect relatives and close friends to attend. It eats into people's bank balance and holiday entitlement. It's also an embarrassing situation for those who aren't flash with the cash (who is!).

It's perhaps a different matter if you are originally from the country you plan to marry in but to drag everyone over to Sorrento (or whatever) because "it's so romantic" is just shite. By all means get married there yourselves and spend 40k on the privilege but have the decency to also have a celebration on home ground that everyone can get to.

Rude

I don’t go to destination weddings as I find them very selfish.
If you want people to come to your wedding then have it local and then have a private ceremony in another country for the photos/experience if you wish.

IMO if someone chooses one, they are prepared that some people won’t be able to attend.

I would either all go and make it into a family holiday if you have the time/money or just get DH to go.

I would get him to stay a couple of nights though, else it seems a waste of time/money.

Attending the wedding is NOT the present. It doesn't have to be expensive but If you just rock up like Alan Partridge and say "AH HA - I'm the Present" It's gonna go down like a bowl of sick. Read the room FCOL

It's an invitation not a summons. You don't have to go.

With 2 years notice it is reasonable to assume that anyone who wants to go will have time to save up whatever money is needed to be able to. Eg you moght book a self-catering holiday nearby and have that as your family holiday instead of going away in the summer - but there's no obligation to do that if you don't want to.

It's perfectly fine to say that you can only afford for DH to attend. People who choose a destination wedding do not have the right to command people to come.

I would give a gift that is of low monetary value but high emotional significance.
EG you could make a map that shows where the two of them were born/grew up/met and where they will now be living, and put it in a nice frame (cost ~£10). You are right that if your presence at the wedding costs £500+ then no further gift is needed, but gifts are symbols of love and a token gift that doesn't cost much can be meaningful.

If I had had a destination wedding (which I did consider) I wouldn't have expected any presents at all.