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MIL died last night how do I help / comfort DP ?

34 replies

RevelryMum · 02/11/2024 07:03

My beautiful MIL passed away last night she was as nice a person as you could ever wish to meet a beautiful soul. I'm obviously heartbroken and although I have had my share of family bereavements over the years I find myself at a bit of a loss on the other side of it . DP will be home this evening and I know all I can really do is be there for him. He has never had a bereavement before so I'm really not sure how he will cope with this. I think other than losing a child, losing your mother is the most devastating thing to happen to most people. Do you think if I went and bought him flowers and maybe a few things he likes or maybe a really nice dinner it would be of any comfort ? Do men appreciate flowers ? I'm at a complete loss

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 02/11/2024 07:04

I personally wouldn’t buy a man flowers. Just keep him fed and keep the house running, and see what he needs then

Makelikeatreeandleaf · 02/11/2024 07:06

I'm very sorry for your loss.
I don't think flowers are a great idea tbh, what's he supposed to do with them? They will just die and that's probably not the message he needs right now. Just give him a cwtch if he wants one , space if he needs it and time if he wants to talk/cry. Don't push him to talk or 'feel' or anything, just follow his lead.

Usou · 02/11/2024 07:07

Just be there. Give him the space to grieve.

Men don't care about flowers, although in your case there's obviously a lot of thought behind it.

spinningisthebest · 02/11/2024 07:08

I am so sorry for your loss - and send you a big 🫂 as well as this is so hard for you too to lose someone so important to you as well as him. You know him best, but I would just be there for him for whatever he needs rather than buy flowers or anything like that- I would just make sure he has food to eat and minimise domestic pressure for him if you can if that's what he needs. Some people respond by wanting to organise things- and there is a lot to organise- so if he wants to keep busy that is fine. He may find he is overwhelmed in waves and at other times is completely his usual self. And it may go on for a lot longer than you expect, or come back at odd times. Xx

RevelryMum · 02/11/2024 07:08

Makelikeatreeandleaf · 02/11/2024 07:06

I'm very sorry for your loss.
I don't think flowers are a great idea tbh, what's he supposed to do with them? They will just die and that's probably not the message he needs right now. Just give him a cwtch if he wants one , space if he needs it and time if he wants to talk/cry. Don't push him to talk or 'feel' or anything, just follow his lead.

Yes your right on all counts I think I'm just a bit worried as they were very close and he is such a softy and never been through a bereavement before . I would love to take the pain away for him but I know all too well I can't and it is a process . Thank you

OP posts:
PicturePlace · 02/11/2024 07:11

OP, you sound absolutely lovely. I think you will do a great job of this because you are obviously so thoughtful and caring. The flowers are a really lovely idea, I would be very touched if my partner did this for me. I am sorry for your loss.

Rafting2022 · 02/11/2024 07:11

Do you live together OP? Wasn’t sure when you said he would be at home this evening if you were referring to your joint home.

OhshutupSimonyounobhead · 02/11/2024 07:12

I lost my beloved Dad last year. What I needed was to cry and talk and mope about and just be given the space and understanding to do whatever I needed to without judgment or impatience. It is a really really tough time.

RevelryMum · 02/11/2024 07:14

Rafting2022 · 02/11/2024 07:11

Do you live together OP? Wasn’t sure when you said he would be at home this evening if you were referring to your joint home.

Oh yes we do but he has been staying in the hospital and with family close to the hospital wasn't safe for him to drive home as he was so sleep deprived x

OP posts:
Farmgoose · 02/11/2024 07:19

Take over the other stuff while he’s grieving. If he has siblings then time with them can be very important and helpful.
Light a candle. It’s a tiny thing but there something peaceful about that little light as a reminder of who you are all thinking of.
Lovely to hear of another wonderful MIL. Mine was an absolute hero of a woman x

CagneyNYPD1 · 02/11/2024 07:21

I'm so sorry for your loss @RevelryMum.

My DH lost his lovely mum nearly 10 years ago and it was incredibly painful. They were very close.

What worked for us was me taking on pretty much everything to do with the house and dc for a good few weeks to give him time and space to just go through the motions.

I also talked a little bit about how lovely she was and how lucky I had been to have her as my MIL.

But being there physically as much as possible is really important. Nights out with friends can be postponed for now etc.

Then see how things are after the funeral. But I think it is wise to keep a close eye on him for a good chunk of time as he hasn't had to process grief to this extent before. Especially with Christmas coming up - that could be particularly tricky.

CalicoPusscat · 02/11/2024 07:22

Let him rest and make sure he is eating and has hot drinks. As pp candle might be nice.

Give him some space but say you're there and let him cry and process it

Gonk123 · 02/11/2024 07:23

It’s awful when your other half goes through such an emotional time and knowing how best to help. I think the flowers are a really lovely idea actually. I think a lovely dinner is great too, just keeping things calm so he can cope is good, let him lead with what he wants to do and follow him

PieonaBarm · 02/11/2024 07:23

Having been the one whose Mum died (10 years ago now) all you can do is be there. There really is nothing else you can do. Just give him a hug and be guided by him. Until you loose a parent you won't know how you or anyone will cope with it - my now DH cried long before I did.

As a PP said, keep the house running, I'd say get some snacky type food in, toast, cheese, cooked meats, crackers etc as food wasn't something I was overly interested in but I would eat toast.

I wouldn't buy flowers, people will buy you them - well intentioned because they don't know what else to do. I got that many I was sick of them, wanted to bin them, and rarely buy them now as I associate them with death and sickness (also got tonnes when I was very ill). I do still like sunflowers though.

Get onto the GP next week, they will give a sick note for bereavement so that work is covered. He may not want it, I've had colleagues come back in a day or two later, everyone is different. Many companies only give a couple of days, although my work were brilliant and I was told to take what I needed and not to bother, but I wanted them to have a plan too.

Remember you're grieving too, and be kind to yourself. It's ok to leave the hoovering and dusting etc for a bit, nothing will happen because you didn't run round with a Dyson.

mitogoshigg · 02/11/2024 07:29

I would have comfort food for dinner, something he likes but not something fussy. If he drinks have a bottle of his favourite around as he may feel like a quiet drink in memory of her. Have everyday type chocolates or similar in case he just needs something to de stress with. Take your cues from him because everyone is different.

When mine died last year I picked up sausages and mash for tea, hardly setting the culinary world on fire but it just fits the bill, filling, easy (ready made mash) and comforting. Had a bar of chocolate on the coffee table and already had whiskey here, he had a couple of glasses whilst on the phone to siblings. We then went to our local pub, we know lots of people there and they were all lovely

Fargo79 · 02/11/2024 07:38

I wouldn't bother with flowers or nice meals or gifts right now. I know when I was newly bereaved these things just wouldn't have registered with me and flowers, cards etc just felt jarring somehow. I was in such a dreamlike state, I felt like I wasn't really there.

I reckon the best thing you can do is just take anything off his plate that you can (chores round the house, admin etc) and take his lead on the rest. Be there to offer cuddles, lend an ear, help with funeral arrangements but don't be offended if he wants some space.

I'm sorry for your loss too OP.

Cynic17 · 02/11/2024 07:40

Just take your lead from him. Don't fuss. He may just want to carry on as normal.
He will have a funeral to plan, paperwork etc, so perhaps offer to help with some of the admin, if he seems a bit overwhelmed by it.

ChaosHol1 · 02/11/2024 07:43

I'm sorry for your loss, I think this will be us very shortly with my mil too.

When my mum died last year my dh was honestly amazing. I'd been in the hospice for three nights. Came home to the house spotless, all my fave snacks, a bath ran, my fave dinner cooked and clean pj's out. After I'd eaten he sent me to our room to chill and watch TV and came up and asked if I wanted him there or needed space. He just sat and held me and listened to me whenever I needed to chat. Got me cups of tea without asking. The next couple of days he just brought me food and drinks without asking, accompanied me to the funeral director.

Just be there and do anything to lighten his load you can. I wouldn't get flowers but anything else he may like to snack on or eat would be nice.

StressedEric · 02/11/2024 07:47

im sorry for your loss . I’d just make sure he can do as he pleases and keep the ship afloat with as little pressure on him as possible. I’d keep meals simple but nourishing as his appetite will probably go completely. He’ll need some strong guidance and support with the practicalities eg funeral planning , choosing an outfit for his mum to wear , registering the death .
don’t be afraid to cry in front of him and just hold him a lot so he has the physical comfort of touch - something he will be missing from his mum .

northernsouldownsouth · 02/11/2024 07:52

Take him out for a walk in the hills, through some autumn woodland or along the beach. The great outdoors is a very therapeutic

Devastated999 · 02/11/2024 07:53

ChaosHol1 · 02/11/2024 07:43

I'm sorry for your loss, I think this will be us very shortly with my mil too.

When my mum died last year my dh was honestly amazing. I'd been in the hospice for three nights. Came home to the house spotless, all my fave snacks, a bath ran, my fave dinner cooked and clean pj's out. After I'd eaten he sent me to our room to chill and watch TV and came up and asked if I wanted him there or needed space. He just sat and held me and listened to me whenever I needed to chat. Got me cups of tea without asking. The next couple of days he just brought me food and drinks without asking, accompanied me to the funeral director.

Just be there and do anything to lighten his load you can. I wouldn't get flowers but anything else he may like to snack on or eat would be nice.

This is what I did for DH when he lost his parents, and it is what he did for me. Don’t give flowers, you are not a visitor. Be there, provide love and support, bend to ccomodate him through this.

but also be kind to yourself, you are grieving too

Vinorosso74 · 02/11/2024 07:54

Sorry for your loss. My FIL died earlier in the year. He'd had a multitude of health issues but his death was quite sudden so DP was a bit shocked.
I found just making sure basic stuff was done so he could organise what he needed to. However, he was between jobs at the time, so found things like cooking quite therapeutic and did actually just want to carry on as normal. He did have times where he got upset so I was there.
It's hard to know until you see how he is.

GameOfJones · 02/11/2024 07:57

When my MIL died the best thing I did was just be there for DH. Give him a hug, ask him if he wants to talk but don't push it if he doesn't. Just be present. If he wants space, give him space.

I took over all the running of the house and looking after DDs. He was comforted by cuddling DDs but I basically sorted all the practical bits for a few weeks until after the funeral. He had a lot on his plate anyway grieving and planning the funeral.

I wouldn't bother with an overly fancy meal. He's not going to be thinking about food and I'm not sure DH really enjoyed meals for a little while, I just made him simple, comfort food to keep him going. Macaroni cheese, beef stew and dumplings, toasties things like that.

AgnesX · 02/11/2024 07:58

What helped me when my mother died was business as normal and a bit of kindness. Heartsore is a good description and nothing can help it.

Nothing fancy and certainly not flowers. You can't fix him, he'll need to deal with it in his own time so give him leeway. That said, it's not an excuse to bow out of life. Keeping to some sort of a routine will help.

Soangrynupset · 02/11/2024 07:59

Flowers are a lovely idea. Even though he my get flowers from other people, yours will hold a special meaning and it is a thoughtful gesture. You know him better than us posters online.

Your mind went straight to flowers, is it because you love flowers or he does? It is a lovely idea.

I would cook him food/have snacky bits available. He may go between being hungry and not having appetite. Cooking a nice dinner is a lovely thought but it may put pressure on him to have to eat it, to appreciate it, to come and eat and socialise with you (and kids).

I would just bring drinks to him from time to time, little plates of snacky bits, just sitting or lying with him, telling him she was loved, how lovely she was, reassuring him you are handling things on the home front.
I am so sorry for yours and DH's loss.