MIL died last night how do I help / comfort DP ?

[RevelryMum]

My beautiful MIL passed away last night she was as nice a person as you could ever wish to meet a beautiful soul. I'm obviously heartbroken and although I have had my share of family bereavements over the years I find myself at a bit of a loss on the other side of it . DP will be home this evening and I know all I can really do is be there for him. He has never had a bereavement before so I'm really not sure how he will cope with this. I think other than losing a child, losing your mother is the most devastating thing to happen to most people. Do you think if I went and bought him flowers and maybe a few things he likes or maybe a really nice dinner it would be of any comfort ? Do men appreciate flowers ? I'm at a complete loss

Try to take the domestic pressure off him. Thingʻs he normally does ask if you can do /help. Don't just do them ask first, he may need the distraction of them !

Can you help with the practical details, funeral,, death certificate etc

Lessons I have learned:
It's important not to do things that will be perceived as trying to "cheer him up" - he needs to feel "permission" to grieve, to be devastated. Special meals/treats/flowers could be perceived as a message to stop experiencing this.

Suggest going for a walk somewhere where he will have memories associated with his mum. Or other similar gentle activites that are compatible with introspection. Give him opportunities to share his thoughts and memories.

He may just want to tell you about what's churning in his mind which could be positive nenories or misplaced guilt about negative situations. Open questions without pressure e.g. "would you like to tell me about..."

Keep food simple, nutritious and plentiful.

Just being present. My ex-H totally ignored me when my mother died. I cried myself to sleep for weeks while he lay in the same bed listening to it. You know how he likes to be comforted, whether that's a hug, a handhold or back rub.

Make sure you look after yourself too. It took me a couple of years to work through, you both have to learn how to live with it. That takes time and space. Condolences.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

We lost MIL earlier this year and what DH wanted most was to just get back to as much normality as possible. He didn't want to talk about her or have someone "be there" - he just wanted to go back to work and get on with things.

It is so hard - I would let him guide you in terms of what he wants to do and try not to pressure him into talking or behaving a certain way.

Don't be surprised if he doesn't present emotionally in the way you are expecting.

Remember you are also grieving.

Don't set a time limit on his grieving, or yours - there isn't one.

Support him by being there and helping with the paperwork.

Weird responses about flowers. Flowers are a very common thing to buy for people who are bereaved. Why is that different because he's a man? My mum died recently and my DH has brought home flowers every week. Several friends have sent me flowers. My siblings and I have also made sure the vase in mu dad's house that sits beside the condolence cards has fresh flowers in all the time. Buy your man the flowers. If he's a hugger then offer all the hugs. Don't expect much from him. Let him cry. Just be there and let him do whatever he feels he needs to do.

Keep the background stuff running, give hugs if he needs them, let him talk about her and the death as it helps process what has happened. Offer your help but also be prepared to stand back. Sorting out clothes and family things will be best done with any siblings and remaining parent.
There is a lot to sort out practically this side of the funeral. Expect him to struggle for at least a year with normal life things (he may not but don’t be surprised if small things are harder than they should be).
Be aware of the firsts such as his first birthday without her, first Christmas, her birthday, day she passed away etc. He may not say much but they will be trigger days to the grief.

My mum passed away Jan ‘23 and it was one of the hardest times in my life and the wave analogy is very true.

Men often disappear into their caves. DH needed space and quiet. I did give him a long hug, and asked him if he wanted me to do anything, he said he will let me know. He asked how I was, as I was very close to MiL. After a couple of hours he was 'back with me'

Everything that @CrabSignalArmy said.
You cannot make his pain go away however much you want to. Just be with him as he goes through it.
Also bear in mind that bereavement completely screws up your brain, you forget things, you can't make rational decisions, and if you sense that this is happening to you it can be very very scary. It will pass but in the meantime he may need more support and reassurance than is immediately obvious.
Sending love to both of you, I'm glad he has you.