Doom laden/cryptic relationship advice from mothers/grandmas/older women.

[KnopkaPixie]

"Better an old man's darling than a young man's fool."

"There's the the lover and the beloved."

With thanks to Valerie and Iris. Throw your dishcloth into the ring with similar homilies.

It means don't pick a life partner based on looks if they have a shitty personality.

(Pressed "post" too soon)
Refer to 100,000 mumsnet posts from women who "love him so much" and then list all the awful things that demonstrate he's a total arsehole.

If it's not for sale, don't put it in the window (Michael Caine's Mum, apparently).

Snow on the roof, fire in the grate (older men. Originally in Austrian).

My late father "buy cheap,buy twice" very true. Gran ",if you can't say something nice,say nothing". Late mum "swearing shows a poor command of the English language". She had loads I can't think of them.

'Keep your hand on your ha'penny'

Wise words from Nanna 😝

Not doom laden but quite funny, when I was doing my nursing training,in the 70s we had a nurse who I was sure was about 80 then, although boy did she have energy! She used to call womans private parts "the possible", it was a rehab ward,one day I asked her why. "Well,they are here to rehabilitate,so they start to wash themselves,as part of the treatment, they can't do it all themselves,so if they start at the top,head,arms etc, they wash down as far as possible,if they can do their legs,feet, they wash up as far as possible".

Whenever I moaned about things my gran considered minor she would say ' it's better than a slap round the face with a wet fish' 😂

Also, when we were kids it was considered rude to put your elbows on the table during dinner. If she saw us doing it she would announce 'all joints on the table will be carved'

It's a quote from Terry Pratchett. And it's literal. Gaspode is a dog with orange eyebrows. I had a terrier with orange eyebrows and she was an absolute terror, so it's true.

I didn't realise anyone would take it as an aphorism or literally!

Sounds like we all need a granny Mary in our lives.

One of my late mum's favourites was "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger".

”if you’re not in bed by midnight, come home” (Mum joking, of course)

advice from headmistress “don’t marry the first man that asks you”

A daughter is a daughter for life,
A son is a son til he takes a wife.

My Granny: You don’t look at the mantelpiece when you’re poking the fire.
Her own advice: never run about with female friends who are more attractive than you are.

Mil to me when we first got married: ‘ make sure you have escape money!’
dh: ‘mam!’ 😅😅😅

'When a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy'.

Though to be fair my grandmother also talked about how wonderful it is that men can't rape their wives anymore.

Always stand behind a shooter and in front of a shitter.
My DM.

Marry in haste regret at leisure.

You can't make a silk purse out of a sows ear.

You made your bed.

A man on a galloping horse wouldn’t see it

never totally got this but I think it was about not fussing about your appearance

One of my professors to the class at large when we were complaining about a hard and horrible lab: "Well class, remember that when you're standing shoulder deep in horseshit, there's a pony in there somewhere. So just keep digging for the pony!". I have to admit, I've used this one plenty of times over the years. My adult sons will jokingly say "So Mum, did you ever find that pony?" when I use it on them.

Granny O "It's no sin to be poor, but it's mighty unhandy".

“Famous men will never invite you to hotel bedrooms for a game of tiddleywinks” - Great Aunt Rose

“If ever you feel sorry for yourself that you don’t have a gentleman friend, take a walk around the men’s geriatric ward. The sights you’ll see in there, when they’re in their pyjamas, snoring and farting, chewing and dribbling, teeth in a glass but eyeing up the nurses is enough to put you off ‘em for life”. Granny P.

“There are only two things made in a hurry, mistakes and babies” - Auntie Vi.

It'll all be the same in a thousand years.

DM, whenever I moaned about something. Her way of telling a whining teenager to get some perspective.

"You'll never find a man who will marry you if you can't boil an egg."

Grandma June who was disgusted when I said "don't worry, I don't like boiled eggs" when offering to teach me to boil an egg.

The phrase boil an egg has now lost all meaning.

It just means that a man being handsome isn't enough by itself.

You know when you see someone swoon over someone's looks, so they don't even notice what they're actually like as a person? It's saying not to do that. Wait and see how they behave, what they do.

What the handsome person is (their character and value) come from what they do (their behaviour) not their looks.

It's pretty much the same as saying 'don't judge a book by it's cover'

It's certainly not saying that all handsome men are no good. Just that you should judge them on their actions and character, not their looks.

Don’t marry for money but it’s nice where there is some. —Granny Gladys