Elderly parents, should I be doing more?

[Bigstyle]

They've always been those sprightly old people who don't need any help. Still the people I go to for help, rather than the other way round, if anything.

But Dad had cancer a couple of years ago and whilst now cancer free, the illness and treatment has really taken its toll on him. He aged dramatically almost overnight and his mobility is nothing like what it was.

Mum is one of those stoic women who just does what needs doing, wouldn't dream of asking for help, but she's started to look like a little old lady recently. Had a couple of falls resulting in broken bones that she didn't seek help for until days later

As it is, I'm always on the end of a phone and go round for a cuppa c. once a week.

I don't feel I have loads of free time, but that's because I have a busy social life and an exercise habit. I only work PT and DC are adults.

It's starting to feel like we're hurtling towards a place where they'll need a lot of support, but no plans are been made. They're in a big house with a big garden and lots of clutter, and Dad is an "investor" for fun so their finances are very compex, and I have no details whatsoever.

I've probably being burying my head in the sand, but it's time to "do" something? Or while they're able and not asking for help, it's none of my business?

Make sure you have power of attorney for both health and finance.
make sure they have made wills.
Get them to write lists of accounts with account numbers, passwords etc- if your Dad died could your mum find all his investments?

Encourage some Swedish death cleaning?
Get them a reliable cleaner and gardener

He says he always makes a point of making sure mum is aware of all his dealings and she's not a daft little woman letting him manage anything, by any means. There's a well organised filing system, but I've never seen it.

We looked at doing POA a while ago but he wouldn't pay a solicitor and he didn't want it witnessed by anyone he knows.

Looking after the house and garden is mum's "hobby" , she'd hate that.

My DSis is firmer with them and always takes "rubbish" home when she visits. She'll pretend it's stuff she can use then get rid of it, but she lives a long way away, so it's not that frequent. This is why the day to day stuff will fall to me.

You don't need a solicitor to for a POA - it's relatively straightforward to complete the form.
Could you tell your dad he won't be the first or last elderly person to need a POA form sorting?

You need to get someone to witness it though and he refused to discuss his business with anyone outside the family - tbh we know very little about his "business".

Atm, their view is everything's in joint names/they have logins etc, so if one were incapacitated, the other would deal with things.

There is a will.

I was a witness to a POA. I didn't need to read it, just confirm that the person it was for was who she said she was and knew what she was signing.

Finance and health and welfare POA cost about £80 each now and you can do them yourselves
The witness doesn't see you read anything, they just have to know your mum and dad and be sure that they understand what they are signing
Everyone should have them.
No one knows what's round the corner....someone passes away leaving a spouse who then has a stroke, meaning they can't communicate
Without P0A you can't do very much at all!!

Yes, I know that....

It's difficult. My mum took over when my dad died but she was only 67 and had already full involvment in all financials, insurances etc.

Then beginning of the year she fell so bad that she is not mobile anymore and moved to a care home. The last 8 months were mayhem, doing the POA helped enormously as she actually was so doped up with medication and nearly unable to even sign her name thanks to the injury.

Due to complex insurances (she is not in the UK), there is so much paperwork and without the POA she would not been able to access the benefits and funds she is entitled to.

So even if one of your parents goes, there is so much more to do. And seeing that I lost both of my grandparents in a matter of 2 months years ago and my parents trying to sort out things as the estate of my grandfather hadn't been solved by the time his wife died, things can go awfully fast.

Due to what my mum went through, my PIL took finally advice and did a POA even with us knowing where all their paperwork is.

The witness only needs to see one page of the POA, the one that they sign. Also, a POA does not contain much personal information other than name, address, DOB etc, it does not have details of assets, income or savings like a will might have.

Have you shown your dad the POA forms? It might reassure him.

He does understand how POA works?
They don't get used if they are not needed

If he won't even consider such a basic thing that may help in old age, I don't like your chances with anything else.

Why the need for a PoA? They’re physically frail but compos mentis?

My mother in law had a stroke that left her non completely non verbal. Without a POA even trying to cancel her book club and magazine subscriptions was a nightmare.

If you want to do more, that's fine.
If you don't want to do more, that's also fine.

There is no "should" about it. You are a free agent. You can make a choice.

Sadly that may not always be the case...and then it's too late to set one up

Court of protection would then need to step in for finances...you really don't want to have to go down that route

The POA just sits there inactivate until something goes wrong (major fall, serious illness etc ). It's getting ducks in a row. It has to be done when the person is compos mentis.

It may never be activated but it's a really good idea to have both the financial and the health and care ones in place just in case.

I am now 80 and nothing like as sprightly as I was even a year ago. DH is only 73 but has recently had trouble with his back.

We also live in a big house with lots of ‘stuff’. We do not plan to downsize as long as we can keep going here.

We are aware of our sons’ need to be familiar with our finances when we die, so have been spending time making a file of all relevant information, especially bank account details, some with fairly small amounts which might get overlooked. Similarly all the details about the rental properties we have,

POA and wills done several years ago, now we are updating the family trusts in order to leave as much as possible to the family rather than the Government.,

it has taken quite a long time to assemble all the information. As well as helpful to our sons, it will also all be available to whichever of us oldies survives the other. Hunting through investments I found a forgotten account with £11,000 in it. That was a nice surprise.

I agree with those who say sort out the POA while they are still capable of cooperating.

Apart from poa etc I think it’s time to be maybe visiting another day in the week and maybe going with mum/dad for the shopping or something (so then it’s you carrying the bags in or if it’s a delivery you can carry it to the kitchen) or other job that takes the pressure off a bit like introducing a can I make dinner once a week and see you guys. Or time visiting on bin day so they don’t need to lug the heavy bags.

I just mean a little step up from what you’re doing now but not so they feel you are taking over and it feels natural. Not only will it help but you will be there to actually see how they are coping and get an insight of what life is actually like for them rather than what they tell you.

the other element is it will get them used to having you around more so when their needs do start to increase you will already be a fixture and it won’t seem so weird to lean on you a bit more.

Was this before or after the bone breaks? If the latter, might be worth broaching the issue again and saying it's now a matter of greater urgency.

Exactly. My husband signed the one of each of his parents and we do hope it won’t be needed. But as we found out with my mum, it’s a life saver (and money and time) to have it if circumstances changes fast.

In case of my mum all was well at 10am, at noon she was in hospital with a severe broken hip and dislocated right shoulder.

Explain what a complete pain and how expensive not having an LPA is and say it's fine if they don't have one but you will not be picking up dealing with the solicitors and Court needed or any of the costs. Particularly as an LPA taken out before there is a problem is very easy and cheap to sort indeed.

Plus that they will need to deal with social workers, yadda, yadda, yadda. The problem is not if they pass away, it's if they are incapacitated.

Yes, it's not pleasant to effectively bully them into it but honestly, the alternative is way worse and very expensive.

That attitude could be a headache for you eventually though maybe not him. You dad’s assuming he won’t suddenly need an lpa and that your mother will always be there and compos mentis which is a big assumption.

There's a well organised filing system, but I've never seen it.

Don't wish to sound cynical but it's best to not trust in this kind of statement. My mum told me everything was sorted for their deaths and I would know where to find it, which I thought I did. Whatever she meant by that, I never did find it. There was a will, but no funeral plan, instructions, or arrangements made. Never found it. Had to just get on with it myself. So I advise you to ask questions while you can.