Elderly parents, should I be doing more?

[Bigstyle]

They've always been those sprightly old people who don't need any help. Still the people I go to for help, rather than the other way round, if anything.

But Dad had cancer a couple of years ago and whilst now cancer free, the illness and treatment has really taken its toll on him. He aged dramatically almost overnight and his mobility is nothing like what it was.

Mum is one of those stoic women who just does what needs doing, wouldn't dream of asking for help, but she's started to look like a little old lady recently. Had a couple of falls resulting in broken bones that she didn't seek help for until days later

As it is, I'm always on the end of a phone and go round for a cuppa c. once a week.

I don't feel I have loads of free time, but that's because I have a busy social life and an exercise habit. I only work PT and DC are adults.

It's starting to feel like we're hurtling towards a place where they'll need a lot of support, but no plans are been made. They're in a big house with a big garden and lots of clutter, and Dad is an "investor" for fun so their finances are very compex, and I have no details whatsoever.

I've probably being burying my head in the sand, but it's time to "do" something? Or while they're able and not asking for help, it's none of my business?

There's no way there's a disorganised drawer in my mum's house 🤣

@Bigstyle having lost my mum very suddenly and unexpectedly earlier this year, and seeing the devastating impact this continues to have on my dad, I'd suggest at the very least encouraging your parents to get POA in place and a secure digital record of all financial accounts with passwords, which you/other family members have access to.
My dad's been in such a fog since mum died he's needed a lot of hand holding to understand and remember information, he lost his confidence in dealing with financial matters, due to the shock and grief.
Me and my brother have had to offer a huge amount of support to deal with even the smallest tasks, thankfully dad's getting his confidence back a little but it's a stressful, upsetting and challenging journey.

Sure, that doesn't mean that what they say is there is there. You said yourself you haven't seen it. Just would not like others to have to deal with something I did 🤷‍♀️

How old are they? They are probably fine for 5-10 years but it’s best to have this stuff done well in advance while it’s not needed so it can spring into action if it suddenly becomes necessary.

Does anyone have POA for you/your DH? Our PIL suddenly became interested when we told them we’d done ours + our wills already. Make it something sensible people do, not something for old people about to lose their marbles.

Otherwise just drop it for now. A crisis will come and that may help them feel they need a bit more planning.

Similar for us when Mum died. She was the financial brains of the operation, and had done all sorts to cover eventualities, including setting up a trust for the house and money. However, she hadn't given us any of the info, and they had overseas property and Dad is clueless as to the what / when / why of it all.

We've spent nearly a year unpicking and sorting it out with the solicitors etc, Luckily their bank accounts were joint so cashflow hasn't been an option and Dad kept all the paperwork so we've had a trail

I really wish I'd dug into it all more and understood how and what she wanted to do with it.

On the other side, if Dad would have died first, Mum would have had no clue where any of the paperwork was apart from 'in the filing system'

OP, I highly recommend you get power of attorney (if you don't already) and ensure there's updated copies of the wills and you know where everything is.

After caring for my mum who had Alzheimer’s when having POA for her was essential to support her independence, I became aware of how important it was to have one in place. I sorted my own POAs out during the first lockdown aged 65 and updated my will so now my own children will have fewer problems if I need their help.

They all know my wishes and my daughter also knows where I keep all my paperwork and my passwords for my phone and iPad - which then allow her access to most other personal things. Obviously I trust her implicitly!

Makes you wonder why your dad is so secretive about it all really

You say you live in a big house with lots of stuff. It's going to be left to you son to go through all this stuff. Plus, who will maintain the house as you both become frail?
Why not downsize and move somewhere more manageable?
I'm genuinely curious.

Yes, ZekeZeke, our two sons will have stuff to sort out. When they are here they often ask about specific items of furniture and pictures with a view to keeping or throwing when we are dead. I think they will cope just as I did when my mum died and I had to deal with all her possessions.

Luckily one son lives locally and the other about 75 minutes drive away. I am sure they will be able to deal with maintenance issues in the interests of keeping their inheritance shipshape.

We like the house, plenty of room for family gatherings, walking distance into town, plenty of friends and one son and three adult grandchildren living locally,
I love living here and really don’t fancy a bungalow or sheltered accommodation - yet, anyway.

I agree with all the comments about encouraging them both to have both types of POA in place. You may have to pitch it as them being incredibly selfish if they don’t have it. I managed to just about to get my DM to sign them before her dementia got too bad. I shudder to think of the mess if she hadn’t have done that.

My dad (81) has long been concerned about how my mum will manage when he dies, and a few years ago he did a POA with me and my sibling as the attorneys. My mum ignores any suggestions that she do the same. Dad also made a "death file" containing details of all of their bank accounts, insurance, pensions etc. Every time I go round, he likes to show me where it is in case I've forgotten (I haven't).

Both parents - like yours - have been very energetic and fit people, but now they both have some health problems which limit mobility and result in accidents. I have tried to help them with e.g. getting a gardener to do the big jobs like hedge trimming, or a decorator when my mum wants a room painted - but they won't hear of it. It's difficult. But it's difficult for them too - it must be so hard to deal with the sense of loss of independence.