Incapable of enjoying annual leave anymore

[Depresso]

Have been in my current role for a year now and am kind of getting a handle on it though still find it hard. What I find particularly hard about this role is that I'm the only person who does it. Previously I've always been part of a team doing similar things. Now, I've had to try and spread my workload around to ensure it doesn't completely fall down. Despite my best efforts to prepare for this before I went on leave, I am consumed with worry. I accidentally left OneDrive notifications on my phone and have been bombarded with things I don't understand. It's like by the time you've had your leave, it was barely worth it as there's so much to pick up on your return. I am itching to look at my emails as the fear of the unknown scares me.

On the flipside, I've stopped so many of my routines this week and just tried to relax. It's made me feel hopeless.

Over the last 2 days I've felt so many familiar signs of depression and don't know how to snap out of it. I'm paralysed by having to enjoy the time off while I'm hurtling back to my return to work.

Does anyone else feel like this? I've never really heard anyone talk about it. Any support would be so appreciated x

I feel exactly the same.
I check and answer work emails in an evening, during leave, on weekends. I am always “on”. If I’m not, I feel like it’ll be worse for me when I do go back to work. It SUCKS.
I have to start putting boundaries in place before I burn out. Despite telling myself this I find it incredibly difficult.

I power off my work phone and laptop when I'm on annual leave. In a genuine emergency, they have my personal number.

However, that doesn't stop the ticking clock - my brain is constantly saying 'three days left, two days left ...' and in some ways it often feels as though I am already back at work and the annual leave is a kind of illusion.

I don't know what the solution is.

Unless you are paid millions, work is not worth losing your health over.

Deep breath - you'll deal with whatever needs doing when you get back.

Many people at work.have work e mails coming through to their phone- I won't. I do gave to work outside my scheduled jours, but do it to suit me- teacher. If I didn't need to work outside school hours, I wouldn't

100%. I only really get to semi enjoy weekends when I know the rest of the workforce are off too. If it's annual leave I spent the whole time worrying that I'm missing something important, or someone is trying to get hold of me, or someone is pissed off with me. Sucks all the enjoyment out of it.

I’m also on annual leave and have struggled to switch off. This time I was determine not to bring any work but I have had to.
I was really burnt out a month ago . I have had to put boundaries in place and it is helping .
I do have apps on my phone but try hard not to look once I am on leave.
Don’t look at emails at home . That is family time. Can you schedule in admin catch up time for the week after you get back . Cancel all meetings for 72 hours to allow you to car h up or ask for a colleague to do part of your workload while you are away so it doesn’t fall on your lap at all ?

As someone who burnt out and crashed this year and needed 5 months off work to recover - I would say take this as your moment to start to thinking about how you do things differently moving forward. Maybe sit down and try and work through how much of this is you and how much is the organisation. What can you do to address the drivers that may sit behind your own choices in work. For me, I realised it was a mixture of me (stuff from my childhood came up and I realised was driving certain behaviours), but I also work in a super high stress environment where working significantly over and above becomes normalised. I have returned to work with much firmer boundaries which so far are quite life changing in terms of my work life balance. I guess maybe you can use this holiday as your wake up call - what can you do differently moving forward, what can your organisation do differently (eg train up someone to provide cover) - if nothing can shift do you need to consider what different choices you make (looking for alternative roles).

I know the feeling of annual leave not being worth it sometimes, especially if you're the only one in your role.
This year my annual leave was just taken at home and I didn't go away, I found just switching on my laptop for an hour or so each morning (if that really, sometimes was 15mins) just to catch up on anything urgent from the previous day.
Otherwise do the opposite - turn all notifications off and just totally totally ignore it! Lots of people say it takes a week to switch off from work

I hear you OP. I only really unwind on very long holidays, and then I will still keep on top of emails. It is very hard when you know no one is covering your work and it is just piling up. In my case someone would deal with an “emergency” but everything else would be ignored. I took a long summer vacation and when I came back to took me two months to undo the overlooked items and catch up properly. So it is not just psychology - there are real problems arising when I am not at my desk .

I struggle more now because I get anxiety too (likely a peri menopause symptom). So the whole thing is very unpleasant.

My best recommendation is actually to take more exercise in working weeks, especially if you are currently quite sedentary. I sleep better and the activity helps me use up some of that negative energy. I find it helps me release the stress and anxiety and it is six hours a week well spent.

Also make a holiday plan and publish it to your manager. If you are the boss, make a holiday plan and pin it on your phone. Remind yourself that all you need to tackle is the emergencies, everything else you planned to handle before or after the vacation.

Is anyone's life at stake if you dont check your emails? If not, don't worry about it.

I don't check my emails while I'm off as it just causes me more anxiety. I do 100% understand your feeling if it's not worth it though-I don't actually get any time off, I just do that weeks work in the week before and the week after I return. I work kind of in my own department and although sometimes that's useful (if I've missed deadlines or not done something, generally it's only me that knows!) it also means no one picks up things while I'm away.

One thing I'd note from your OP is stopping your routine and trying to relax while you're off. I find this the worst thing about AL. I end up just....mooching. And festering. I need routine to keep me going (school run/work/gym) otherwise I just grind to a halt and "relaxing" makes me feel exhausted and lethargic.

If you are finding the work difficult try the Goblin Tools website it is AI so not perfect and you shouldn't put confidential info on there but it is useful.

The 'Magic todo' tool breaks down a task into more manageable steps.
Another tool, The Professor will explain any complex text you put in in straightforward language and give an example.

I'm self-employed and have often been answering emails from up to 3 clients while on holiday, together with a very demanding voluntary role where I seem to be the only person who knows about lots of stuff so am constantly being chased for info. BUT, I'm off on holiday in 3 weeks time and am going to India where I'll be full-on every day and not necessarily having great wi-fi in the evenings. And, I'm telling everyone this in advance and will set up out of office emails on two of my work accounts to reinforce this. I also won't be taking my laptop (a first) and may well take several of my "work" emails off my phone for the duration. I may well come back to chaos, but I will at least be rested/invigorated! And if it works, I'll do it again!

For short breaks eg two or three days I will keep on top of stuff.

Longer breaks no. But I do of on the day before I go back to whizz through emails and clear the dross so I can focus on anything urgent.

My boss has zero boundaries which is a bad example. I do have a person I can hand stuff to (they report to me) but they get stressed about it and made a point of saying in their 1-2-1 that it was stressful when I was off as they had too much to do. So now I feel guilty about going on leave!!

I understand. I get frustrated with annual leave because if I have a few days off, I have to work my ass off beforehand to get everything done, working through lunch breaks, staying on late, etc, and then the same happens when I’m back at my desk. There is the same amount of work to do regardless.

I also worry because I manage a large team, and although I trust the people just below and above me to keep everything moving, I still feel the pressure to be aware of what’s going on when I’m off. I’ve got a whole 2 weeks off at Christmas and I’m going to try to fully switch off. I need to remind myself that it’s just a job, and when I’m on my deathbed I won’t be thinking about how hard I worked.

I generally accept that I have to work much harder before and after a holiday. I often joke that it’s really compressed hours, not time off, as it’s just shifting the work around.

However, when on holiday I switch off my laptop and work phone, and I have an out of office email that gives the number of someone who can be contacted in an emergency. Is this something you could do?

No job is worth this. I refuse to engage in work on my days off or AL. Take your emails off your phone for a start. Keep some sort of routine on your days off. Plan to get your bits done in the morning and then tell yourself that the afternoon is for you/fun/relax etc. No one is ever going to be grateful for what you are doing, if you left you’d be replaced in no time and no one will think “oh remember her, she always worked on her AL, we miss her” you’ll literally be forgotten within a week or two. No one lies in their deathbed and thinks they wished they worked longer or harder. Take time for yourself and your loved ones, they are what is important. I had a major wake up call 10 years ago and changed my mindset in an instant and haven’t looked back, it’s quite freeing, I close my laptop at 6 and don’t think about it until I am back in work now. If you can’t do your job and have time off in the hours they allocate then they need to hire someone else, but of course they won’t because you do it!! Take care of yourself.

I used to be like this.

Now I leave my work phone in the glove box in the car and I leave my laptop at work. I don't get paid enough to work 24/7. Be ruthless, turn off your notifications - even if its just for your leave, the business won't crumble if you take a week off

I feel the same. I leave my work phone at the office when I go on leave as it I gives me anxiety when I hear it go off.

It's why the only time I truly enjoy off is between Xmas and new year as the whole industry is shut down so nothing is building up in the meantime.

Wise words from @Notmydaughteryoubitch . Your posting here raises a big red flag for your well-being. Time for a reality check:

Is this sustainable long term? Is the stress going to decrease or are you supposed to live like this forever?
If so, is it time to start looking at alternative roles?
If you do want to continue, and work is eating into your a.l. can you pay yourself back and build more relaxation into your weekly routine? Book regular quality pampering time and regular quality family time? You needed to relax and recharge somehow or you will burn out?
Is there anything at work that could be changed to make this more sustainable?

Best of luck

This 100%.

I wasted my two week holiday in the summer stressing about various issues at work. What a bloody waste of my time!!

I am very strict now. I do my hours but don't check my phone after hours or at weekends now.

We're all dispensable and are just a number no matter how we try to kid ourselves our workplace would fall to pieces if we weren't there!

I feel like this every weekend...

It is rarely that important - it is so easy to lose perspective about work issues.

I have a frantic few days before i go away and diary out the first morning when I get back to do the first pass of emails and then catch up over the week.

I just accept that is the process and enjoy my holiday and never think about work.

Thank you all so much for your responses. It's really shown me how different things work for everyone. I think I really have reflected on what needs to change on my return and how much is self imposed (almost all of it). I am a chronic people pleaser. I don't get a lot of praise at work but I certainly know about it if I miss something or don't perform up to standard.

My DP suggested after I wrote this that over this weekend I should put aside one hour to create a to do list from all of my emails and delete all the rubbish. I did this yesterday morning and I feel tonnes better. I feel like I don't need to worry because now I can dive right into what needs doing tomorrow. I know this isn't the ideal solution as I'm using some switch off time to work but just putting this hour aside and knowing that this would be happening yesterday has made a huge difference to the last few days of my leave.

I absolutely salute those of you who simply put away the phone and laptop but I know that for me, that i'd be sitting here catastrophising and spending the morning trying to plan as even more things came in.

I really appreciate your brilliant advice. I'm not on big money and no lives are at stake. I just need to strike a balance between feeling I've done my best without burning out.

I was like that too. what was worse was my manger would text me on my days off we struggled to get time off as my team lead (separate from manager) refused time off contestantly so was forced on us some times at the worst time to take it. also my so called cover would stab you in the back so would always be on edge. I brought my laptop on hols constantly checked emails on my phone. I burned out. I ended up walking out after another issue. stayed at home fir three months resting then went back to work temping and then got my current job now. I am lucky have fully flexi time aswell as remote working. If I work late I get ut back never any issues getting time off. I still have to make sure my work is covered before I go and have a pile when I go back. but I have put boundaries in place if work late I finish early on a Friday. if going back after hols i don't attend meetings unless urgent on my 1st day back to allow me to go through the 100s of emails and catch up. lucky I have a good supportive manager and team. Still struggle to switch off when off but have learned not to go near laptop when I don't have too