Incapable of enjoying annual leave anymore

[Depresso]

Have been in my current role for a year now and am kind of getting a handle on it though still find it hard. What I find particularly hard about this role is that I'm the only person who does it. Previously I've always been part of a team doing similar things. Now, I've had to try and spread my workload around to ensure it doesn't completely fall down. Despite my best efforts to prepare for this before I went on leave, I am consumed with worry. I accidentally left OneDrive notifications on my phone and have been bombarded with things I don't understand. It's like by the time you've had your leave, it was barely worth it as there's so much to pick up on your return. I am itching to look at my emails as the fear of the unknown scares me.

On the flipside, I've stopped so many of my routines this week and just tried to relax. It's made me feel hopeless.

Over the last 2 days I've felt so many familiar signs of depression and don't know how to snap out of it. I'm paralysed by having to enjoy the time off while I'm hurtling back to my return to work.

Does anyone else feel like this? I've never really heard anyone talk about it. Any support would be so appreciated x

It's very easy to say, but unless you are actually saving someone's life, you need to realise you are completely replacable and if you got run over by a bus, they would find someone else to do your job with not so much as a ripple in the cogs turning.

Your employer will take what you give - unless you drop the ball, there is no incentive for them to give a shit.

I sound flippant, but I had to burn out, get bullied and watch dozens of close colleagues get fired with half an hour's notice in order for me to finally understand I'm nothing but a number.

I'm not a slacker, I work really hard when I'm on shift and i enjoy my job, but I never look at emails when I'm not working and I'll never have anything work-related on my phone.

This was me til (6 hours after telling my boss he needed to recruit my replacement as my head felt like it was going to explode doing two jobs) I had a stroke

If your employer wants you to use a mobile phone as part of your job, tell them they need to provide you with one, because your personal mobile is just that - personal. You need to be able to switch off at the end of the day and when you are on holiday, and you can't switch off if your phone is switched on, can you?

I was like this but decided to do something about it.
I deleted all work related things from my personal phone so I didn’t have the urge to look and albeit the anxiety was rife for a good week or two, it has settled down now and I now have the work time is for work attitude and I am less stressed with my home life.

I work in job nobody picks up while I'm away, a few tips that might help but most importantly is firm and clear boundaries...

Don't use your personal phone for work. Ever. If you need a phone for work get them to give you a work phone, only turn it on during working hours.

Prepare for going on holiday, mention it to your colleagues 1 million times before you go off. Give them a cut off date for any work they want you to do. Set your out of office reply from lunchtime the day you finish, even if you're working on until 5pm or whatever.

Make a to-do list for coming back to.

Block out the first day back on your calendar for catch-up time. Leave your out of office on and don't accept any calls or meetings for that day. Plough through as much as you can and log off on time!

If there are essential things that need to be done while you're off leave detailed instructions.

I could have written this post word for word.

This is exactly what it’s been like for me since starting my current role just over a year ago, like you, I’m the only person in the company who does my job and I’ve been completely unable to enjoy my annual leave this year due to the dread of what I’ll come back to as none of my work is picked up when I’m off.

This included my long awaited and much needed summer holiday this year, where I spent the last few days of it in a state of anxiety.

Thankfully, the end is in sight as I have been offered another role which I’m starting in the new year.

As another poster mentioned, no salary is worth your mental health!