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Original poster

Potential new man, pros and cons

36 replies

Diaryfear · 30/10/2024 20:52

I'm struggling with this one and I guess if I don't "know" he's probably not for me, but hear me out.

He's a bit odd. Not universally popular, probably talks too much, especially with new people he wants to think well of him, possibly a bit too honest for some people. He's always going to be kind of person who puts his foot in it and shows you up.

I find him kind. Beyond everything I find him kind. He will always tell you what he's thinking, but there's never any malice in it. I don't think he even holds any unkind views.

Once you get to know him he's funny. Really subtly funny and so quick with it. Not "look at me I'm such a laugh" funny, but a quiet amusing remark which gets right to the point.

The same with his intellligence. He's really well informed on all sorts of current affairs and shares his knowledge in a really gentle way, encouraging you to share your views too. Interested to know what you think.

But he's very short, a lot shorter than me, several years younger than me, lives with his parents and doesn't really have a job.

He lives at home because his Dad needs care and his Mum needs support. He was living away until a relationship breakdown a few years ago.

He did have a city job, but gave it up for a better worklife balance and now does this and that when he needs to. He does appear to have money to spend, nice clothes, decent car, nights out, holidays etc. Nothing flash but not broke.

He's not traditionally attractive at all but he does have this amazing twinkly smile when he's looking at or talking about someone or something he's fond of.

So all in he's a wonderful friend I very much look forward to spending time with, but I'm not sure I can overcome the barriers to him being more than that?

OP posts:

username7891 · 30/10/2024 20:54

I'd keep him as a friend.

SauviGone · 30/10/2024 20:54

lives with his parents and doesn't really have a job

No. just no.

newfriend05 · 30/10/2024 20:58

Keep him in the friend zone !

ManchesterGirl2 · 30/10/2024 21:00

Does he not have a job cause he already has lots of savings, and is focusing on being a carer right now? If so, not automatically a problem.

I really like the way you talk about him in your middle paragraphs, there's a lot of warmth to the way you experience his personality, which bodes really well. Maybe try dating for a bit and see if there's chemistry?

Original poster

Diaryfear · 30/10/2024 21:00

SauviGone · 30/10/2024 20:54

lives with his parents and doesn't really have a job

No. just no.

Yes but there are reasons for living with parents and he's got a pretty good set up workwise, in that he doesn't need to work very much. He does enough freelance work to pay for what he wants to do.

Also I'm financially independent and have no intention of merging my finances with anyone (child rearing days long gone) so as long as he pays his way, which he does, his finances don't have any effect on me.

OP posts:

Edenmum2 · 30/10/2024 21:02

It sounds like you do really like him, you speak very warmly of him.

Shorter is fine, my DH is shorter than me, I never think about it. Living with his parents not ideal but what are his long term plans? Nothing you've said would truly ring alarm bells....but do you have a spark with him? Do you fancy him? Has there been any intimacy?

EBearhug · 30/10/2024 21:07

He sounds like a great friend - but there's no indication you actually fancy him. If you don't, he can only be a friend.

SauviGone · 30/10/2024 21:08

living with parents
he doesn’t need to work very much
He does enough freelance work to pay for what he wants to do

Yes, most people who are sponging off living with their parents have very few outgoings and therefore don’t need to work very much.

Original poster

Diaryfear · 30/10/2024 21:08

I didn't think I fancied him, but that smile has started to catch me off guard!

OP posts:

Demurelemur · 30/10/2024 21:09

Do you fancy him?

Original poster

Diaryfear · 30/10/2024 21:09

SauviGone · 30/10/2024 21:08

living with parents
he doesn’t need to work very much
He does enough freelance work to pay for what he wants to do

Yes, most people who are sponging off living with their parents have very few outgoings and therefore don’t need to work very much.

He's doing a lot of care and paying half of the bills, is that sponging?

OP posts:

Fireworknight · 30/10/2024 21:10

I think your final paragraph in your post sums it up - he’s friend material not bf material. Consider him as a ‘companion’, not as a ‘partner’.

awayfromitallplease · 30/10/2024 21:12

You've got the ick. You commented on his height early on... so physically you're not on board. I'm tall and no one I've seen has been taller than me and it was never something I needed to comment on. So I think your gut is telling you a lot. Unrelated to height. But general sexual preference.

awayfromitallplease · 30/10/2024 21:13

Accept who and what he is and don't force fit him into he could be. That way lies madness and a lot of hurt.

LlynTegid · 30/10/2024 21:15

Seems to me a friend, nothing else.

ItsTheGAGGGGGGGG · 30/10/2024 21:17

It sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself that you like him

Drom · 30/10/2024 21:18

If you’re listing his pros and cons to a bunch of strangers on the internet before you even have the faintest idea whether he’s attracted to you, it’s not a runner, surely?

I mean, do you have any indication he’s interested in you?

Unbelooth · 30/10/2024 21:24

SauviGone · 30/10/2024 21:08

living with parents
he doesn’t need to work very much
He does enough freelance work to pay for what he wants to do

Yes, most people who are sponging off living with their parents have very few outgoings and therefore don’t need to work very much.

Imagine talking about a woman who was caring for her parents like that on here.

I think he sounds lovely, OP. You are clearly taken with him and his "twinkly smile". I get the feeling you are trying to overcome/struggling with societal expectations.

Love is love, see what happens! Where is the harm in taking it further.

ForPearlViper · 30/10/2024 21:27

Do you need to decide now? Can't you just date for a while?

I'm reminded of when my friend told me about the person she'd started dating. He was short, he loads of emojis and a bit of a list of why he wasn't her type but she was still seeing them. I think this year is their tenth year of marriage. The only bad thing is that she now uses loads of emojis.

BilboBlaggin · 30/10/2024 21:29

You say "a lot shorter" and "several years younger". What's the age difference and just how much shorter than you is he?

What's the outlook with his dad? Can you see being able to maintain a relationship if he has caring responsibilities? Usually the responsibilities increase as the cared for person deteriorates.

GrandesRandonnees · 30/10/2024 22:06

The great love of my life (so far) was half a foot shorter than me. I didn’t care, he could have been 2’ tall with feet for hands and I still would have wanted to rip his clothes off.

It does sound like you’re warming to him. I don’t think him living at home is necessarily a bad thing, particularly if he is caring for elderly parents.

sausagesforteaagain · 30/10/2024 22:11

Maybe he made a load of money and has a good portfolio so doesn’t need to work.

he sounds a good bet, is he interested in you ?

Original poster

Diaryfear · 30/10/2024 22:18

sausagesforteaagain · 30/10/2024 22:11

Maybe he made a load of money and has a good portfolio so doesn’t need to work.

he sounds a good bet, is he interested in you ?

I don't know. He invites me to do things a lot. Nearly every day, but as I said he's a bit odd, so it's not entirely clear what that means. It could be enthusiasm for life.

OP posts:

Original poster

Diaryfear · 30/10/2024 22:21

BilboBlaggin · 30/10/2024 21:29

You say "a lot shorter" and "several years younger". What's the age difference and just how much shorter than you is he?

What's the outlook with his dad? Can you see being able to maintain a relationship if he has caring responsibilities? Usually the responsibilities increase as the cared for person deteriorates.

He's about 5'3" to my 5'7". 8 years younger, but we're both middle aged.

I think they'd employ help if it got to a full time care situation. ATM it's more helping run the house and keeping him company so mum can go out.

OP posts:

sausagesforteaagain · 30/10/2024 22:25

So what do you have to lose ?

and what do you have to gain?

is there a hurry to decide (apart from updating the thread)

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