When are you not ‘on’ all the time as a parent?

[supertaytoes]

Probably the answer is never. Half term here and I have two tiny ones (3 and 1.) Obviously they need pretty much constant supervision and interaction although I do bob in and out, nip upstairs briefly, but the idea of ‘relaxing’, of watching a TV show or reading a book or something while they’re awake is unthinkable.

So I got to wondering … when does that become a possibility? Obviously not for a good few years but when? Teens? Or before?

For me it was when DS was aged 4. I realised one day that we had hit that point and made a mental note.

I agree with this. DDs are 7 and 5 and life has become much easier. DD2 needs me more than DD1 does and will come and find me occasionally if I'm not in the same room but I can easily be cooking a meal listening to the radio, or scrolling Mumsnet with a cup of tea, or being out in the garden for a bit while they occupy themselves. There are still squabbles to referee and I can't leave them for ages but I definitely don't need to be on the go as much as I did when they were toddlers.

For example, I went to Morrisons for an hour today alone, DH was working from home so needed DDs to not bother him constantly but he was keeping an ear out from another room. They sat and watched a film quite happily.

Between 4 and 6 depending on the child.
I have an 11, 9 and 6 year old and I managed most of Rivals yesterday whilst they played!

Once my youngest was about 5/6 I could start taking a long bath while the children were awake or watching a movie in my room alone.

My 4 year old is beginning to entertain herself sometimes so I’m finding it less full on now. I also have a baby though so have a long way to go still.

When the youngest is about 6 or 7, I would say. That's the point at which both of mine were able to entertain themselves for a while without needing eyes on them constantly. Now they're 12 and 8 and I can actually read whole books on holiday!

6 and 3 was a real turning point.

2 and 5 was OK for very short times in child friendly spaces.

4 and 1 was the worst. They could both run away, in opposite directions and didn't listen to any reason!

I have a similar age gap but mine are now 14 & 12.
I remember the Christmas when DC1 was in Yr1 and DC2 was in pre-school and they had a lot of Playmobil and I suddenly wouldn't see them for chunks of time as they had it all set up in DC1's bedroom. They'd still squabble and they hated tidying up but, for example, we might have had breakfast, I'd be tidying up, they'd say they were off to play and I might not seen them for an hour or so. They'd always got on well and DC1 has always been good at keeping herself occupied but, until that Christmas, it had always been around me. I would have had to keep popping in & out of the playroom or they would have gradually brought their toys into the kitchen.
It was such a strange feeling! Annoyingly, you could never quite predict how long it was going to last. You could guarantee that as soon as I decided to take advantage of the peace and empty out a cupboard they would immediately get bored or start fighting and I'd have to intervene and the cuoboard's contents would be on the floor for the next couple of days!
They were Yr5 & Yr3 as we went into the first lockdown and by then would keep themselves busy doing different things around the house/garden for several hours.

I’ve got a 4 and 7 year old and now I get snippets of time to do this; often paused when one comes in but that’s fine. I’ve also got better at putting in those boundaries, along the lines of if we’ve been out all morning then after lunch i am going to sit and watch something or read for a little bit and repeat that when I’m asked to do something

I found life much easier once they both hit 7+ and didn't need constant attention and could get their own juice and snacks and entertain themselves more. When Covid struck, kids were 8 and 11 and it was definitely a relief that we didn't need to be in parent mode every waking hour by that point.

3 and 1 nearly killed us OP. It was brutal.

We realised when youngest was 2 we were suddenly happy to leave the room for a bit and keep an ear out. That was definitely a moment we noticed things improved.

Now they're 6 and 4 and it's much easier. We just have to involved with the squabbles. 🙄

I have a wonderful, responsible, nearly 4 year old.

We're just getting to the point where he'll play by himself for a while. And I can do quite a few things while he potters around too.

But the best bit is that when his dad goes to work at 7am, I don't have to get up straightaway now. Son will come and say hello and I'll give him a cuddle then he goes back downstairs to watch tv until 7.30. It makes such a difference that I'm able to snooze and gently wake up.

I don't sit down or stop much all day anyway so not bothered about that but by 4pm I do like a sit down and snack for half an hour so he gets another half hour of TVor tonies box before tea and is quite happy by himself for that time.

It's all a lot easier now!

I wouldn’t say I fully relax til my 3 and 5yo are in bed, but more just because I know I have the bedtime tasks still to do. I could easily watch (not inappropriate) tv with them around, and I could send them to the playroom together and get on with cooking or whatever - although I still suddenly panic when they’ve been quiet and out of my sight for five minutes or so. Overall though it is a million and one times easier and less stressful than it was when they were 3 and 1.

Well, we got the point where ds could self entertain for up to and occasionally just over an hour in his play area of the livingroom (behind the sofa) and I could chill, have a cuppa and read or potter around cleaning... then we had a baby, so that didn't last long. But by ds1 standards 4 and a half? The way ds2 is going... never 🤣🤣😭

IME, even if they are happily, independently occupied in another room, as soon as you sit down and think "oooh I'll put my feet up with a cuppa for 10 mins" they KNOW!
Same with making a phone call.
Same with going to the loo.

Call up to them to come down and put their stuff away....nope. Deaf.
Open a bag of crisps down the far end of the garden? They'll be there before you've said Monster Munch. Little gits!

Seriously, around 3 I guess - I could get on with other things within ear shot.
Depends on the child and age of siblings as well.
My second was more into imaginative play so would lose himself in that. My older one was more into puzzles and building so was more present I guess.

Dts never played in their playroom when they were small. In fact they never did. It's come into its own now they're teens. They were pretty much where I was until at least 6. They'd play together but wanted to be near us. Cliche but I miss it now.

Not never, that’s for sure. At 4 & 6 my kids had just got noticeably hugely easier, I realised this and then a month later DC3 arrived 😁 at least now I can see that this hard stage is temporary.

I remember being on holiday when my kids were 3 and 5 and they were in and out of the pool constantly - it had some stepping stones and a little bridge and I could sit by the pool but had to watch the whole time.
I remember seeing parents sitting there reading a book and just thinking “my god that looks amazing”
And then when mine were about 7 and 9 I could happily read by the pool while they swam about.

I reckon for mine, they would potter by themselves without fear of death or misadventure by about 4/5. Like I could leave them to play in the garden while I got stuff done in the house and they wouldn’t run away or impale themselves on things.

Mine got much easier from about 3.5, to give you some hope. Not independent, but much less full on kamikaze constant monitoring required.

For actual brain off pottering while they play, I'd say 4.5/5. Mine is nearly 6 now and has been able to entertain himself for a while without needing me for a good year. Of course some days he just wants me to join in constantly, but not always.

If I just had my 4 year old, I'd be able to do that. But I also have a 21 month old and there's no chance. I'm not gonna lie...I'm looking forward to when we can sit together and watch a movie for some down time or on tired days...

I take a little bag of activities while I wait for the time to pass for the swimming lessons or whatever.
Some clothes for hand sewing or a bracelet to fix…

Mind you mine are older though so I don’t have to be in the water with them.

DD is 10, and whilst she can be left to amuse herself you have to be prepared for carnage if you do. Recent incidents include getting red paint everywhere when decorating for Halloween, getting nail polish on the sofa, and cutting her own hair. At the moment she wants me beside her a lot so sometimes I read a book or do crochet. But if I need to be doing something else it's constant interruptions or possible disaster. Only exception to this is if she's watching tv or playing roblox. Then she generally stays put.

For me there was a shift at 6 and 9. 6yos were twins though so changes the dynamics. At age 11 for the twins, I started a post grad course on top of working full time.

Taught mine to make cereal and put a film on when they were about 5 ish. This gave us many weekend lie ins (probably dozing with one ear open rather than fast asleep, but it was still lovely!)

My DDs 8months and I only have one so may not be much help. You really are at the most difficult stage - a toddler and a baby! I always find baby/toddler classes give me a break. Baby is engaged and din a safe space so while you still have to be 'on' you can sit back a bit a breathe. When I started going to classes my energy levels went up over night. You can find some good low cost ones for babies and toddlers so they could potentially go to the same class.