Wondering if nursery age DD has enough breaks from childcare?

[Intotheebyss]

For those of you with children at private childcare settings, how many days will you keep them out of nursery in a given year? My daughter is in full time at a local nursery and she is obviously off for all the bank holidays, 2 weeks over Christmas and another 1 or 2 week long break at other points in the year. Is this enough? I’m comparing it to school age children who have breaks every half term. I don’t always use my annual leave for family time and save some in case I need to take time off for kids illnesses, and also the odd day when I need time to myself. Is this normal / am I a bad mum for not keeping my daughter off nursery whenever I’m off work? TIA

She will be fine OP. She knows no different and routine is good for her, rather than a few days here, others there. This would be more for you than her.

I can't speak for OP, but for me:

• she was happy there
• we had to pay to keep the place anyway
• we didn't want to risk having to resettle an unhappy toddler when I went back to work
• she probably wouldn't have fancied being shushed for the baby's nap or being told to wait until I was finished feeding all day every day
• it gave DC2 the kind of one on one attention DC1 had had on maternity leave
• I had zero desire to be home with two tiny children. If we hadn't been able to afford nursery we would've had a much larger age gap.

All the usual stuff. It's a very common decision, mainly because of the first three reasons. Have you not come across it before?

Wait - you’re on mat leave and sending her this much? Can you not drop a day or 2 at nursery?

I didn’t send my DC1 to nursery at all when I was off on mat leave with DC2. There were specific reasons and I think he would have benefited from some nursery, but no way would I have had him in full time when I was on mat leave.

I know it’s unpopular on here but mine didn’t go at all to nursery until they were over 3. We had a nanny 4 days a week, DH had them 1 day, and I used all my annual leave to spend with them. Now they are at school we tag team annual leave to minimise holiday clubs. I want my kids to have as much time at home with us and each other as possible.

Thanks so much everyone for your replies. It seems like quite a split in what people think is right for them. My daughter is 3 @MsCactus.

The reason my daughter is in nursery while I’m on mat leave is because I can barely cope looking after a baby on my own everyday, let alone a baby and toddler with two completely conflicting needs. It’s only been in the last few weeks that our baby has been able to sit up almost unaided, the rest of the time I’m basically carrying him around, which is hard enough but when I’ve got both children on my own, my daughter also wants to be carried. I find it unbearably difficult. I don’t think I was cut out to be a mum to be honest as so much of it I struggle with. And being on my own with the kids is one of the hardest things for me. I guess that’s why people talk about needing a village - but then I can see that so many people seem to find it a doddle juggling two. One of my best friends does it all with ease. She barely works. Maybe that’s the key - the less you work and the more you parent, the easier you find it. But I didn’t want to work less, and we need both our salaries to afford our mortgage which went up by £1500 when we bought a bigger house before having a second child. I understand some people wouldn’t have moved and would have spent the time at home vs having the money. But we didn’t have enough space, and we wanted to be in a better area for schools. So yeah. The thought just fills me with dread if I’m honest - having the two at home with me. I find weekends hard enough at the moment…

@BarbaraHoward thank you for this. That last one is the main point for me.

I had my DS at nursery for three days throughout my maternity leave and we had Tuesdays and Thursdays off with the baby. I fucking hated Tuesdays and Thursdays!

And you probably are cut out to be a mum just fine, a demanding jealous toddler and a clingy baby are a nightmare together.

Yeah it was a big one for me too, although I know it isn't for everyone. Plus my second was born during covid and my maternity leave took place over that long winter lockdown. I had great intentions of keeping my eldest home sometimes but then we couldn't do anything and would've been sitting looking out at the rain together losing our minds!

I wasn't a very natural parent to mine when they were very little. They were loved and cuddled and had all their needs met and all that but I struggled. I found the baby bit particularly tough on my first as she had silent reflux so was a terrible sleeper and generally very unsettled and unhappy. They're 6 and 4 now and it's very different - much as they drive me round the bend with the squabbling and whinging, I love spending time with them. Things really do get easier.

Mine are fifteen months and coming up to four and I am starting to see the light a bit.

I have let go of the guilt. I still have Tuesdays and Thursdays off and DS goes to preschool for a full session (9-3) on one of those days and a half session (9-12) on the other. I think it would be better for him to have two half sessions if I’m truthful. But, I get things done on the longer day while DD naps, and a big thing I’ve come to realise is I matter too.

I can see where you're coming from.

My ds was originally in nursery 7-3.30 every day and childminder Saturday from 4 months (no choice before anyone judges).

Then I managed to change that and he did 8-4 daily from a 20 months but I worked a term time only job.

I would maybe send him a short day during a half term and maybe a short day a week during summer but as a LP and as ds has SEND that was definitely more for me than him! I was paying for 52 weeks as that's how nursery works if private day nursery.

So I don't know in terms of needing the school holidays but as I work in education I can tell you the demands of school are far greater than nursery so that will have an impact in terms of needing time away.

@BarbaraHoward

In response to your question, yes I've come across people on Mat Leave sending their older child one or two days per week or reduced hours but not long full time hours. Seems odd to me, that if you're home with one to send the other to nursery full time.

Well then I'm happy to have explained to you some reasons why.

Op in all honesty what do you want to hear?.
Children only know what they know. Any child can be put into any environment and just eventually succumb to it.

Why not read into child pyscology, attachments and all that stuff and cross reference information to come to a happy medium.
Putting our dc into nursery for most weeks a year and a few weeks off would have crushed me
I think I would have moved to a caravan and gone ofd grid rather than do that and have holidays to myself as down time!

They really do grow up in a flash, and early years are crucial to get in attachments and values etc.
I would definitely do 4 days and have her pottering at home as much as I could relaxing out of the structured environment.

Succumb to it? She’s going to a nursery, not down a mine!

@Intotheebyss I don't think being a sham means you find it easier unless you have oodles of money?

Where is the parenting book?
Being a mum is gruelling and hard and relentless.

I had a gap between mine and I remember one night standing in the garden sobbing because I felt I couldn't cope with dc 2 any more.
Like anything else in life a thousand variables make it different for each one of us but in the end I realised I had to research and research as much as I could and be flexible all the time

Eg find stimulating age related things for them to do at home, go to toddler groups so they can play and get a snack and do craft they cost in my day 2 pounds! And sometimes some one made me a cup of tea and gave me all biscuit.
Find activities for home or when out tonight create a deeper experience.
Eg if saw some one laid out house hold items around the room like a box of cereal on a sofa or cup under something and the child had to get them all agaisnt the clock.
But this helps with language, over and under, the name of the the items, the gross motor skills in climbing into the sofa to get the box, coordinating the of mind and body and all sorts. That's one example.

We need to drop as a society that parenting is easy etc it's not.
It will definitely get easier op but you must get more creative as to how to solve the immediate issues other people will have struggled with two wanting to be held etc.
Maybe do another thread to ask about these speficic issues.
Mumsnet got me through many a challenging time!I remember once the idea of a day bath lasting an hour was a revelation for rainy days!!

@BarbaraHoward

Thank you! I read your reasons. Still doesn't make sense to me.

When I was on my second Mat Leave I felt bad sending DC1 once a week and that was to save the place! I wanted and enjoyed being home with the two of them. And I only had an 18 month age gap.

Nursery places are premium. If you have nine months maternity leave and reduce to two or three days for that time five days might not be available by the time you go back.

There is also an argument for continuity, routine and yes the mother’s mental health. All are hugely important.

Parenting isn’t easy. We don’t have to make it as hard as possible for that reason.

I see your point.

Maybe the OP's daughter could do shorter days?

Very possibly she does. Remember, three year olds are entitled to thirty hours funded childcare (assuming the parents work, and maternity leave and part time work are included) which is 9-3 Monday to Friday term time.

I get that the OPs DD does more than that and many children do. But childcare is beneficial. It isn’t a bad or awful or negative thing. It can be, in the wrong setting, but it also has numerous advantages.

Very possibly she does. Remember, three year olds are entitled to thirty hours funded childcare (assuming the parents work, and maternity leave and part time work are included) which is 9-3 Monday to Friday term time.

I get that the OPs DD does more than that and many children do. But childcare is beneficial. It isn’t a bad or awful or negative thing. It can be, in the wrong setting, but it also has numerous advantages.

Sorry, terrible signal where I live!

You could not attend days where I am at the moment, but I don't think you could safely drop them - the waiting list is until October '26 as it is, and I don't think nursery would offer your place to someone for 9 months, they'd just offer the place. Then you'd have to hope that you were at the top of the waiting list, and a space came up, before you could go back to work.

I think mum guilt is real, whatever happens. DS goes 2 days a week, 8 - 4:30, and I often wonder if that's enough or too much. He enjoys it whilst he's there, and has lots of friends, but never asks to go on days off and seems pleased when I say he's finished for the week.

One of his best friend's mums has just gone on maternity leave and is increasing her daughters days to 2.5 from next week; another kept it at 2 days throughout so she had those 2 days with her younger kids.

It's all really personal. If you feel that you'd struggle with two, she's logically better off there, and it doesn't sound like she's expressed any preference not to be.

@Intotheebyss

The reason my daughter is in nursery while I’m on mat leave is because I can barely cope looking after a baby on my own everyday, let alone a baby and toddler with two completely conflicting needs.

It is hard work & maybe DD is better off in nursery than home if you're feeling really stressed out? I think you just need to get through it the best you can & it does get easier especially when they are both out of nappies & able to dress themselves.

Thanks so much everyone. So I guess the original point of my post was around holidays from nursery as a family of 4 taking me being on maternity leave out of the equation, but I guess it does matter as I have a choice at the moment to keep her home more if I wanted to. And maybe as time goes by the more that I do it the less clingy she will be as she will feel more settled having more time at home. I’ll think it all over some more. I already gave a hell of a lot of guilt around her being in nursery full time vs part time and taking any days to myself. I guess what I want to hear is that I’m not the only one who feels this way….

ive had a few mornings where it has been just me & the two of them and I’m constantly in fight of flight mode & feel completely anxious. So maybe the more I do it the less I’ll feel that way x

@Intotheebyss

Mine went to a childminder - that's less tiring I think as there are only a few children & it's more like being at home.

Where is DH in all this? Can he help a bit more in the morning? Do you have grandparents nearby to help out?