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Original poster

Dd wants to contact her father.

28 replies

Ddfather3334 · 27/10/2024 19:43

Dd is 14 she's never seen her father. When i was pregnant he said she's not his. Said he didn't want to know. About a year ago dd said she wanted to contact him. I was not sure how to manage it . I sent him a message this time last year . I did not put any detail because I just didn't know what to say. So I just said hi please could you contact me when you see this thank you . There was never a reply.

Dd has brought it up tonight. She said she sent him a friend request. Which she thinks he declined. And she sent a message that just said hi.

OP posts:
ExhaustedPigeon92 · 28/10/2024 01:45

Ddfather3334 · 27/10/2024 19:43

Dd is 14 she's never seen her father. When i was pregnant he said she's not his. Said he didn't want to know. About a year ago dd said she wanted to contact him. I was not sure how to manage it . I sent him a message this time last year . I did not put any detail because I just didn't know what to say. So I just said hi please could you contact me when you see this thank you . There was never a reply.

Dd has brought it up tonight. She said she sent him a friend request. Which she thinks he declined. And she sent a message that just said hi.

My heart goes out to your DD! I was the same at her age. Wanting to have what everyone else had around me, thinking that half of myself was a stranger because I didn’t know my father. I got closure on the subject when I was 18. I was told that he never wanted to be a father and felt pressured by my mother into taking on the responsibility knowing full well he had zero paternal capabilities. He’s now in his late 60’s and has never had any other children. Think I’d feel differently if he had. I’m not sure what you can tell your daughter at this stage in her life, because it truly is horrible to be rejected by someone who is supposed to love you. In time she will fill that hole with family, friends and her own children. For now you’ve done all you can to reach out. Are you close to any of his family members? Has she met anyone on that side of the family?

Justsayit123 · 28/10/2024 05:36

Hope he has paid child support. Why not contact him and say the dd wants to meet him. Dont be vague.

Original poster
Ddfather3334 · 28/10/2024 07:31

Justsayit123 · 28/10/2024 05:36

Hope he has paid child support. Why not contact him and say the dd wants to meet him. Dont be vague.

No he never paid child support . There's never been zero contact. Maybe I should just be blunt and tell him

OP posts:
ButtercupBeans · 28/10/2024 07:44

I'm sorry.

Because he is and has always denied being he dad, perhaps you first need to do DNA tests.

I don't see any point in contact until he first accepts the evidence that she is actually his.

Original poster
Ddfather3334 · 28/10/2024 07:49

ExhaustedPigeon92 · 28/10/2024 01:45

My heart goes out to your DD! I was the same at her age. Wanting to have what everyone else had around me, thinking that half of myself was a stranger because I didn’t know my father. I got closure on the subject when I was 18. I was told that he never wanted to be a father and felt pressured by my mother into taking on the responsibility knowing full well he had zero paternal capabilities. He’s now in his late 60’s and has never had any other children. Think I’d feel differently if he had. I’m not sure what you can tell your daughter at this stage in her life, because it truly is horrible to be rejected by someone who is supposed to love you. In time she will fill that hole with family, friends and her own children. For now you’ve done all you can to reach out. Are you close to any of his family members? Has she met anyone on that side of the family?

Show quote history

Hi . I know he has 1 other child maybe a few years younger than dd. I don't know Any of his family at all. I'm not really sure what to do to be honest I would be surprised if she gets what she wants. And I do think he will reject. He kind of is now really by ignoring

OP posts:
Stretchedresources · 28/10/2024 07:49

I would avoid this as much as possible at that age. The emotional fall out will be dreadful. He's not going to turn up as as a supportive and involved dad, she's too young to have to deal with his nonsense.
Leave it until she's over 18 and finished with education.

Original poster
Ddfather3334 · 28/10/2024 07:50

ButtercupBeans · 28/10/2024 07:44

I'm sorry.

Because he is and has always denied being he dad, perhaps you first need to do DNA tests.

I don't see any point in contact until he first accepts the evidence that she is actually his.

He's not going to agree to a dna test

OP posts:
littlebirdieblu · 28/10/2024 07:53

CMS can request he does a paternity test. If he refuses it can be forced by court.

Original poster
Ddfather3334 · 28/10/2024 07:55

Stretchedresources · 28/10/2024 07:49

I would avoid this as much as possible at that age. The emotional fall out will be dreadful. He's not going to turn up as as a supportive and involved dad, she's too young to have to deal with his nonsense.
Leave it until she's over 18 and finished with education.

I was thinking this at 14 she's quite hormonal. Ahd he moods can be up and down. So I'm not sure it's the best idea. But by the same token she's coming to Me asking and I don't want to just brush her of.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ddfather3334 · 28/10/2024 07:57

littlebirdieblu · 28/10/2024 07:53

CMS can request he does a paternity test. If he refuses it can be forced by court.

He's never paid child support

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 28/10/2024 07:58

Agree OP you can't ignore it.
Because your daughter is pushing this herself. How can you ignore that?

Perhaps like someone else said you should contact him and say she wants to contact you

Edingril · 28/10/2024 07:58

You chose to have a child with him she has every right to know it is not about what you want

IsitaHatOrACat · 28/10/2024 08:02

This is very sad. Keep reassuring your daughter and make sure she knows its not her fault

Just an idea.Claim child support through CMS and use the money to help support your daughter with counselling or activities to help her confidence and self esteem

Original poster
Ddfather3334 · 28/10/2024 08:02

Edingril · 28/10/2024 07:58

You chose to have a child with him she has every right to know it is not about what you want

Where did I say it was about what I want 🤔

OP posts:
Ilovelurchers · 28/10/2024 08:02

It's difficult as I suppose it's just possible he has changed his number by now, and also just possible he doesn't check the platform she has messaged him on.

All you can do I think is support her by giving her all the information that you have - where he lived at the time, where he worked at the time etc. I think given that it's her desire to contact him, you have to support her in that - 14 is old enough to know her own mind and what she wants to do. If you don't support her fully she will simply resent you.

Just speak to her about the reality that he may well not be interested sadly, and maybe see if there is any counselling she can access, possibly through school, to help her deal with the emotional fall out either way.

Good luck - hope it all works out and she gets the outcome she wants.

helpfulperson · 28/10/2024 08:03

you need to tell your daughter that he has denied paternity, so she understands that he is not rejecting his child but rejecting that she is his child. is there any possibility that she isn't?

Original poster
Ddfather3334 · 28/10/2024 08:04

ButtercupBeans · 28/10/2024 07:59

Show quote history

I don't want to chase child support. This is about dd wanting some form of contact with her father . Me going guns blazing regarding child support will not help dd..

OP posts:
ButtercupBeans · 28/10/2024 08:06

Ddfather3334 · 27/10/2024 19:43

Dd is 14 she's never seen her father. When i was pregnant he said she's not his. Said he didn't want to know. About a year ago dd said she wanted to contact him. I was not sure how to manage it . I sent him a message this time last year . I did not put any detail because I just didn't know what to say. So I just said hi please could you contact me when you see this thank you . There was never a reply.

Dd has brought it up tonight. She said she sent him a friend request. Which she thinks he declined. And she sent a message that just said hi.

14+ years is a long time.h

Are his contact details correct?

The mobile number you texted him on could now be taken and used by someone else.

littlebirdieblu · 28/10/2024 08:06

If I was in your situation I would put a claim in now with CMS. They will send him forms, it will get the ball moving towards a paternity test. I think you should show your daughter you support her decision in this and that you will help her as much as you can. Mainly because he may well still want nothing to do with her, but at least she will know you are a constant in her life and will be her support when she needs it.

Original poster
Ddfather3334 · 28/10/2024 08:08

Ilovelurchers · 28/10/2024 08:02

It's difficult as I suppose it's just possible he has changed his number by now, and also just possible he doesn't check the platform she has messaged him on.

All you can do I think is support her by giving her all the information that you have - where he lived at the time, where he worked at the time etc. I think given that it's her desire to contact him, you have to support her in that - 14 is old enough to know her own mind and what she wants to do. If you don't support her fully she will simply resent you.

Just speak to her about the reality that he may well not be interested sadly, and maybe see if there is any counselling she can access, possibly through school, to help her deal with the emotional fall out either way.

Good luck - hope it all works out and she gets the outcome she wants.

That's a good idea actually. I think I will have a deeper conversation with her.and be honest about what could happen and talk about how she feels etc.

OP posts:
Sassybooklover · 28/10/2024 08:09

Have you told her the reason why her Dad isn't in her life? I ask because sometimes to protect our children, we skirt around the real reasons behind decisions, as not to expose them to being hurt. In this instance, you need to be completely honest. I personally agree with another poster, if he believes your daughter is not biologically his, he will never acknowledge her or your messages. You also need to explain to him why you are messaging, no point in being vague. Unfortunately, there isn't anything else you can do. You do need to sit your daughter down and help her understand that no matter how many times she messages, she won't get a response and help her deal with the rejection. No, she really doesn't need this at 14, she's young, but you can't ignore it, as she's pushing the issue.

Original poster
Ddfather3334 · 28/10/2024 08:11

ButtercupBeans · 28/10/2024 08:06

14+ years is a long time.h

Are his contact details correct?

The mobile number you texted him on could now be taken and used by someone else.

Show quote history

It was via Facebook which is open he was posted on his wall about a week ago. I don't have Any other form of contact details.

OP posts:
JaneAustensCat · 28/10/2024 08:16

Talk to your daughter about why she wants to do this and what her expectations are. Just let her talk. Maybe see if you can get her a counsellor to talk to as well.

A close friend had exactly this situation. Her partner left her when she decided not to have a termination. He saw his son once as a newborn then that was it. Her son as a young teenager wanted to contact him. She did try but ex had disappeared & couldn't be found and and his mum had also moved and couldn't be located.

I ended up having a long chat with him, as I also had an absent father as a child and had some understanding. We talked about how he felt and why he wanted to find him and the feelings of rejection. I pointed out that his father leaving when his mum was pregnant was not of a rejection of him as a person and was about his father being incapable of being a parent or facing responsibilities. That I understood the need to find him or if he had other children but it would be better to wait until he was older as he don't know what life his father have lived and it wold be easier to handle whatever he found out. I explained I'd met some half siblings in my 20's (my father died when I was 13) and it was very weird, we had nothing in common other than some DNA. Also my father wasn't a good person (alcoholic, wife beater) and that took some time to get my head around.

My friends son did decide to wait and by the time he was 19 had decided not to bother finding his father.

Original poster
Ddfather3334 · 28/10/2024 08:17

Sassybooklover · 28/10/2024 08:09

Have you told her the reason why her Dad isn't in her life? I ask because sometimes to protect our children, we skirt around the real reasons behind decisions, as not to expose them to being hurt. In this instance, you need to be completely honest. I personally agree with another poster, if he believes your daughter is not biologically his, he will never acknowledge her or your messages. You also need to explain to him why you are messaging, no point in being vague. Unfortunately, there isn't anything else you can do. You do need to sit your daughter down and help her understand that no matter how many times she messages, she won't get a response and help her deal with the rejection. No, she really doesn't need this at 14, she's young, but you can't ignore it, as she's pushing the issue.

Yeah I agree . I think I just need to be blunt . I was being a bit vague because I don't know where he is in his life and I did mot want to cause any upset. I know its not down to me to protect him. But I wanted to give him a chance to respond discreetly. But I think I just need to be blunt .

Dd has never actually asked why he didn't want to know.

OP posts:
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