Ideas to feel less lonely

[Soootired23]

I posted on AIBU about my situation and mumsnetters were actually quite helpful!

It also made me realise that my main problem is that I feel lonely.

TLDR: I've been working for home for the past 13 years. We live in a pretty isolated bit of Britain but can't move. I really dislike WFH but it's the only way to get a decent salary (because there are no decently paid local jobs).

I only have two local friends (who actually can't stand each other!) so I don't even have a group of friends.

So far I can only think of a hot desk situation.

I've posted on local groups but have never had much joy. I've been to classes too, and I DID meet my DH that way but never made any friends!

My friend in a choir. I met a few through walking. Its hard otherwise even one group Im in nobody replies. Sigh.

It's so odd. I thought most people joined these groups to make new friends. I did meet my closest friends (and only) that way, but as they don't like each other, it makes life a bit more difficult.

I do like going out in groups, I think that's how I compensate for the lack of socialisation

One is lovely but a mix of personalities and as you say some gel some dont. I knew one from our kids so we get on well. We going to a show in december.

I think something that gets overlooked is finding things you can enjoy by yourself. That's my biggest regret looking back on a lonely period, I couldn't change my situation but I could have tried to carve out my own small bits of fun and joy in the meantime.

OK I know it's going to sound obvious, but why stay where you are? I would be hot-footing it to Nice or Barcelona where the weather is so much better and WFH there, with beautiful view and the sun to bask in when I had a 5 minute break!

Do you have to stay where you are?

Unfortunately I do! Because of DC and shared custodies. Otherwise I'd be living in London!

Working out is my "thing" and walking the dogs. But after so many years, even aiming for my best marathon time, X yoga pose, or X cycling output it becomes more of the same (and the plaster stops working).

Meetup groups
Book and creative writing groups
Amateur dramatic group
Choir
Taking an art class
Go to the gym
Walking/rambling group
Learn to play tennis or pickle ball
Women's Institute
Litter picking volunteering
Charity shop volunteering
Reading to/visiting lonely elderly people
Volunteering at an animal shelter
Etc.

I have tried several of these and made friends at a few of them. Basically you have to put yourself out there and take possible rejections on the chin.

Gardening meet up group?
Tai chi class?
Book club?

I do get that it's only ever a plaster.

May I suggest a few online classes or workshops? There are so many standalone or repeat classes available, for all interests and abilities. It is yet again more time in front of the computer, and not an in-person interaction, but while you’re trying to look for a suitable local group to join, these online sessions can provide mess-free socialising. If there’s good chat in the group, you can return. If it’s really dull, you can leave and there’s no awkwardness of bumping into them at the shops 😬 And you often get to try a new skill or build up on an existing interest, alongside other participants who share the interest.

Have you any tips for finding online classes?

So you've moved to an area which is 'remote'. Can I assume that it's rural, with an old well-connected local community, everyone knows everyone kind of thing? If that's the case, I think WFH is killing it for you. Since covid some WFHers have moved into my community and I know their names but not much else about them to be honest. They have utterly failed to integrate. If they got local jobs (yes at a lower rate like the locals) they would have no trouble settling in, but they obviously feel their high salaries are more important, or they've committed to high mortgages on big houses based on their big city salaries and they don't want to downsize. It's a shame because I'm sure they're nice people.

Apologies if I'm way off the mark. But if that is you, I highly recommend you reduce outgoings, downsize if necessary, and get a visible local job. BE a local.

If you can't do that, I suggest volunteering (but not on the community council until you are well settled into the community). Food banks, charity shop, youth club, visit care homes if you have a skill like pottery/craft/gardening, football coaching, driving community minibus. Anything visible.

@FriendlyButFatigued EventBrite has so many things going on at any one time because they also advertise international sessions. There’s no way you will browse that site and think that nothing is of any interest to you. :)

I've been living here for 10 years :/ and now we can't downsize with 4 DC my "city" salary is much needed!

Do you two friends have any other friends? Could you open up a little to one of them and ask to join them if they go out for a drink, or whatever they’d usually do together?

If that feels strange you don’t have to be fully open about your feeling lovely, just that you’ve got a bit more spare time these days and don’t know what to do with yourself, looking to get out more, might be nice to meet more people etc etc.

One friend introduced me to her friends but they were not necessarily my "vibe". The other ones we reckon would be more our style but I haven't met them (my DH has).

To the pp who mentioned doing things online, nope definitely not for me. I need face to face interactions.

I belong to a group who have online meet ups via FaceTime, it’s actually ok and we are all interested in the same subject. Don’t just dismiss this without trying. I have retired and would wither on the vine without people. So for me it was voluntary work and U3a, it’s basically hobby groups for the retired but hobby groups overall are your best bet .

All you can do is try hobby groups in person or online or voluntary work that fits in with your schedule, hard with four kids. You also had kids that don’t help much, is that right ? You need to get them helping so you have more free time. Some people would love your living in the middle of nowhere WFH life, you will never be that person, I would never have been that person. Deep down you know that’s the issue only moving and or changing jobs would rectify it but you won’t consider it. Who wanted to live in splendid isolation? Was it your DH?

Is not that I won't consider it, that's all I really want but my DH won't even remotely consider it UNLESS I get a job opportunity of a lifetime.

It was my ex husband who moved me here. It was either moving with him or divorce. I should have left him, but I guess I was afraid of the consequences.

I would say since you already have a few friends and a husband and children, you could probably benefit from group activities even if it is clear that there won't be any close friendships coming from it, if that makes sense? Because it seems to be less the personal closeness element that is missing, and more the being-part-of-a-social-group thing, which is probably inherent to humans.

Does your DH have any friends? If he does and they are married or with a partner, could you all go out together? You might get on well with their partners and find friends that way

Bingo! It's not the 1:1 connection that I yearn for, it's being part of a bigger group.

My DH has work friends but they never socialise outside of work. They never have in the 8-9 years they've known each other.

My DH and I are similar in that sense, the having close friends we can take it or leave it, and he does his socialising through work. Like I have in the past.

Yeah, I understand - during the pandemic I hated working from home and I even missed the colleagues I don't like. There is something valuable about spending time together at a somewhat shared task, with a low and undemanding level of social engagement that is quite reassuring!

Yeah I also don't enjoy WFH. So I completely understand where you are coming from.

I know you said you want face to face interactions but can I suggest an online book group? It gives you something to do on your own plus the online discussion session plus many groups will have meet ups for members in their geographic area. I am not in the UK but that is how my book group works. There are separate facebook groups set up for different cities and regional areas and they do get togethers.

Have you tried going to the local pub? If there is one, could you and DH make a commitment to go once a week for 3 months? Then you would be regulars and you may find that this is an opportunity to make friends once people get used to seeing you there every week.

You could do similar with dog walking - go the same place, same time and say hello to people and start a conversation.

Volunteering is also a good shout. Basically you need to go to activities or events where there are lots of people and see what happens.