What was your childhood like?

[MissScarletInTheBallroom]

Or, more specifically, if you had a wonderful childhood and have been successful/happy/fulfilled (whatever that looks like for you), what did your parents do which you think contributed to this?

And if you had an unhappy childhood, how did your parents contribute to that and what do you think you missed out on?

The reason I ask is because my children are still very young and I want them to have the best start in life, but sometimes I feel paralysed by choice. For example, if I sign them up to loads of extracurricular activities, will that be good for them or will they feel micromanaged and wish they'd been allowed to just roam free? Conversely, if I don't do that and we just spend lots of time playing together at home and outside, will they have happy memories of their childhood or will they regret not having more opportunities to try different things?

I'd love to hear different perspectives about what makes a good childhood, beyond being loved and having all your material needs met.

I wouldn't go back there.

Why: Mother who constantly minimised or dismissed any emotions or needs, told me my feelings were wrong and silly. Allowing me to remain in a school where I was bullied in spite of repeated begging to be allowed to change schools. Allowing my father's anxiety disorder to mean he bullied us as teens and not protecting us from that situation.

‘being loved’
⬆️I really think this is the main one. Having your time, respect and attention is another biggie. Other than that I think everything else is not that important. Unless you want them to be a professional tennis player? In which case, bin the above off and get them to classes pronto.

I didn't want for anything and we lived in a nice area, but my mum was very dysfunctional. She was mentally ill and very immature. From a very young age she would try and treat me as her therapist so I could never get emotional support from her, even at 6 and had to be the strong one. She also bullied me and my dad senseless. She hit me a lot and emotionally abused me. I had no privacy. She read my letters and diaries. She would be constantly on the phone bitching about me in a loud voice which upset me. Then she'd come off the phone and bitch about whoever she was talking on the phone to.
My sister was the golden child so didn't suffer as much as I did.
I married a lovely man and experienced happy family life for the first time for 19 years. Of course he then died at 47 but my bitch of a mother is still going strong in her 80s and will probably go on for many years.

I had a lovely, slightly wild childhood. My parents loved us very much but had been brought up in dysfunction so didn't quite know what to do. We were always warm, fed and occasionally shouted at /smacked always loved.
We were given a huge amount of freedom and most of my happy memories involved being free and out with friends. No clubs etc unless I took myself when a bit older.
Look back fondly on climbing trees and going into old factories but coming home to fish fingers and mash.
They were open and made us feel like our opinion mattered. There were bits of rubbish like my Mum had an affair and had a breakdown left for a bit but she came back.

I don't specifically want them to be a professional tennis player.

But I also don't want them to grow up and feel that they missed their opportunity to become a professional tennis player/concert pianist/ballet dancer because I didn't take them to lessons when they were small, if that makes sense. It's very difficult to know what to prioritise when they are so young.

For that sort of thing for my children, I tended to follow their expressed interests. If I thought there was something they might like, I suggested it to them. I never made them do specific activities, just stayed aware of their interests and personalities and gave them the chance.

Being encouraged to be independent and believe in your own agency is the most valuable.
It helps you deal with all sorts of difficult emotional situations and gives you the confidence to go out into the world and "plough your own furrow".

I'd say a key thing is to parent the child you have, rather than the child that you wish you had.

And, linked to that, that your way of "doing things" is not necessarily the "right way".

My parents spent my childhood insisting I conformed to a rigid set of their expectations and refusing to allow me any feelings or opinions or my own.

But that just sounds like your own social anxiety/ aspirationalism speaking. Bluntly, you can’t cover all areas in case your child might turn out to have a talent in one. If your child might have been a prima ballerina if you’d signed her up for ballet aged 6, neither you nor she is ever going to know!

If you let them try sport, music and dance lessons, you'd probably soon see if there was one area where they really stood out and were talented. You wouldn't need to completely fill their spare time with different lessons. They could try those fields at different times.

I had a terrible childhood rampant with paedophilia and gaslighting. It has really given me terrible mental health and diagnosed PTSD that I now have to recover from.
My mother was the main player and my pathetic excuse of a father either condoned it or encouraged her behaviour so I grew up thinking I was crazy, something I am only just getting over in my mid 30s.
When I had a problem it was always minimised or made out to be literally non existent and I had a few school teachers that were absolutely vile and I internalised their treatment of me to mean that I must be a terrible person given the fact of my mother's disapproval and their's on top.
Woman's aid helped me get away and I'm very grateful to them together with a very good, qualified NHS psychologist that I was able to trust.
I'm finally discovering my own personality that was hidden like an archaeological dig.
I'd say, your child needs to be able to trust you and know 'that you have their back' even if you don't agree with their choices. I have friends like this and I'm only just accepting it.
Validate a child's experiences and emotions, without advocating bad behaviour is very important: 'It's ok to cry right now, but what is happening will not consume you forever' etc.
There is so much more psychologically informed advice now (Philippa Perry is brilliant with her books and guardian column) so if you are feeling lost or confused, I'd read her parenting books because she is also a therapist and knows what she is talking about.

In my experience and with observations of my adult children and grandchildren I would say the genetic input features strongly in how we develop and which talents and interests are inherent. I see traits handed down and then the input from the in laws families join in with the mix regarding the grandchildren.
So maybe think of this and encourage what you observe whether it's academic, creative, sporty or musical etc because this may spark something already waiting to immerge.
My family: sport [football, rugby, swimming, thai boxing, gym, cricket], gardening/nature, love of art and books. No musicians, no danger sports, no amazing fashion sense here [for example]. They will guide you, just talk to them and listen, knowing that interests come and go in phases and can change abruptly as they find out who they are. No forcing, that backfires.

We lost my mum too young, but my dad worked very hard. He was excellent - worked as a labourer doing all sorts, kept a gorgeous house decorated with antiques which we were all in love with. He loved us lots and was so funny too; always making up silly stories. He was a writer in his spare time and very musical, so we always had interesting people in our lives.

We didn't do loads of extracurricular stuff because he just couldn't afford it, but he did teach some of us instruments if we wanted. We had a family horse which was a huge treat.

Everything was always fun and filled with joy. While my own financial situation is better and I am able to give more extracurricular stuff to the kids, his absolute passion for life is what I live by and what's made me who I am. Even the work and hobbies I do come from the interests cultivated as a child. I turned out to be very creative and academic, with a penchant for the strange stuff. Bit nerdy really, but I'm proud of who I am.

So, not financially lucky as a child, but more than privileged in many other ways.

There was little money but we were loved and encouraged to read and to make the most of educational opportunities. Dad worked 6 days a week but Sundays were always for us. He would take us out (free activities). We were introduced to classical music and plays through tv and we were encouraged to discuss politics. I don’t know how they found the money for my school uniform or for may cello and music lessons, but they did. We always felt as if we mattered to them.

You're on the right track if you're thinking about it. Give them lots of chances to try different things, but if they've given it a good go and they hate it, don't make them carry on. Teach them to swim, dance, ride a bike.
Loving them and listening to them is paramount, along with giving them time. No amount of money can make up for being time-neglected.
I also think that making sure they eat nutritious foods and not too much crap from a young age is very important for building good habits and happy and healthy bodies and minds.

My dad was lovely but ineffectual against my mum, who was a religious zealot. She gave me an understanding of the Bible that I'm grateful for but I wish she'd driven home the God Is Love message without saddling me with an awful lot of totally unnecessary guilt and shame about not being good enough/deserving that led to me making bad decisions. Show your dch that you will always have their back.

In my childhood I read all the time, still do. I like solitude and I did then, home was my quiet, safe space. I went to Brownies and loved that. I also loved swimming and cycling.

But I was forced to have piano lessons and hated it. I'd go to the library instead and spend the money. I'm afraid avoiding it made me sly and rebellious. I'm not musical [but enjoy listening it to it, that's different].

Mother forced me to stay in a school I absolutely hated where I was singled out by teachers and the mean girls there, and it ruined my teenage years thus igniting more rebellion and problems between us which lasted for decades.

People can't be who they aren't and we are programmed to find our own way in life if only we can be heard and guided...gently. it just takes someone to show interest in you...not what they want you to be.

Being listened to! My Mum was the best in that respect. If I was unhappy I could talk to her about it and she would understand. I wasn't forced to continue on with activities I didn't enjoy, I was allowed to try new things (like ballet) but after a few lessons realised I didn't like it after all. That was all fine. I really wanted to have a pony, we didn't have a lot of money and eventually got quite an old pony who'd been grazing in someone's plot of land for years. I loved that opportunity and had several years with her. I had piano lessons at school and enjoyed those, as my grandmother played the piano we already had one at home, probably why I was interested in learning.

I don't think you want to over-organise your child's time, be guided by their interests but don't be pushy.

I had a lovely childhood, before being sent to boarding school at 11 but other than that it was lovely.

My parents didn't force us to be someone we weren't, there were no expectations to go into a certain career or industry. We were allowed to find out ourselves what we wanted to be.

They've in turn helped shape 4 very different children. I'm very much the free spirit, the one who is laid back but quite determined. I have a very practical sense of, "this needs doing" "such is life" and "everything happens for a reason". I'll get the job done with minimal fuss.

I took piano lessons (I was too tone deaf for violin lessons), I did horse riding, foreign exchanges programme, skiing, watersports holidays. I was very much a child who liked trying anything. I may not end up liking it or being good at it (Air cadets was a massive fail fir me as I just couldn't get the hang of it) but I'd give it a go and my parents let me make that decision.

Growing up I thought that all mothers were like mine. Later I realised that she was a narcissist and a bully who pushed me forward into things yet never allowed me to have a personality because that was "bold" or "forward". I was clever but too afraid to shine because of this.
My mother had wanted to go to university but they couldn't afford it and my sister wasn't academic so she tried to live her aspirations through me. She controlled everything in my life even when I married and left home,. I often wonder how my life would have turned out if I'd just said "Fuck her" and done what I wanted.

My children are grown up now but I made sure I did the complete opposite to her parenting when I was bringing them up.

It was generally happy.

My dad was a builder and was a very hard worker and very traditional in many of his ways. He ran a small building company and my mum did his admin from home. So really the family ran on traditional roles of my dad being the provider and my mum doing the majority of housework and childcare. Also through no fault of his own (he grew up in rural Ireland in the 40s where education for the working classes was limited and my grandparents didn't have much time for school) he was only semi literate, so wasn't really able to read to us (except for very basic books) or help with homework. My mum had a better level of education (well she had O levels which was a high level coming from a working class background) so she was always doing the family admin and dealing with the schools etc. Basically she was the brains and he was the brawn! My dad (bless him) really wanted us to have the education he didn't and always wanted us to do well at school.

It being the 70s, smacking was common. We were smacked very rarely. My dads family were abusive and he didn't want it for us and my mum followed Dr Spocks childcare advice which was anti smacking so yes it happened early on but it was rare and i don't remember it happening past when I was about 6 when it seemed they came up with other ways to punish us when naughty. Just knowing they were angry with us was often enough punishment.

We didn't really have much structured activity. Me and my sister did irish dancing for a while but weren't very good. We went to brownies/scouts for a while. We learnt swimming at school and were occasionally taken to the pool by mum or with friends once we were past 11. We used to play outside in the street with the neighbours or visited friends on our own past 11 ie friends from school. We'd be taken to the local park and library and were able to go the library independently age 11 or with friends to the park at the same age but weren't allowed to the park on our own till about 14. 11 was the 'magic age' because we didn't go to the nearest school but the nearest RC school which meant getting the bus there, so it was generally seen as being a bit more independent. We

We were definitely of the generation of a bit of boredom forces you to use your imagination!

It was generally a good, happy childhood. The only thing I can complain about was they were practicing RC, we went to Mass on Sundays/holy days and RC schools. I no longer practice any religion and while I respect others I am in fact rather anti religion myself. But I suppose they thought it was the Right Thing To Do.

Mine was overwhelmingly good.

We were quite poor until I was about 9, but that didn’t matter. I wasn’t really aware of it. We did fun but cheap things, caravan holidays etc. I felt very loved. My memories are all sunshine and time with them at that age.

We moved away when I was 9 and had much more money, big house etc and went abroad. My parents relationship broke down from when I was 12 and I became very aware of my mums anxiety, which was quite bad. So that was a bit crap but my dad was still very involved with us and I saw him roughly 50/50 and he supported us financially so they had a good divorce if there is such a thing.

I was allowed to go a bit wild in my teens, no-one noticed that really.

So not perfect, but always loved and felt safe.

I think the things my parents did right were:

Letting me know they loved me

Instilling a love of books and reading

Letting me try lots of different things and allowing me to stop if I didn't want to (e.g. at different times throughout my childhood I had horse riding lessons which I loved, did Brownies which I also enjoyed, piano lessons which I hated, drama lessons which I loved, dance lessons which I hated. It helped me work out what I enjoyed and was good at. I've done the same with DDs and the only class I insist on is their swimming lessons, then they can choose one other activity. E.g. DD1 wants to give up Rainbows and start ballet lessons which I will allow her to do as she's given Rainbows a good go.)

They always encouraged me to be adventurous and try new things. Even down to food. Picky eating was frowned upon and giving things a go was encouraged but never forced and I think that did encourage me to be open minded.

The things they didn't get right were:

Not giving me a lot of one on one time or attention. They were incredibly busy, both worked, I was one of four children and they just didn't have a lot of time for each of us. It is the primary reason I stopped after having two children, because I wanted to give them more of my time and felt I didn't get that in my own childhood.

Smacking, obviously. I was terrified of my dad if we we ever naughty. It was normalised back then but I don't want DDs to ever be scared of me.

Mine was hell. Dad had the sense to leave, didn’t get custody until I was 15. Mum used as to bargain with.
I was the oldest. I lived a life of absolute hell. I was by the age of ten, cook, cleaner and guardian. Her favourite trick was to set me up to fail, so many times. Wicked and cruel woman who shouldn’t have been allowed to have children. I have been beaten for forgetting to put salt in the bread I made; for getting her the wrong birthday present. She told me I had failed all my O levels; fortunately Dad thought this unlikely and wrote to the exams board, I’d got ten o levels with high marks!
She’s as bad now in her eighties my siblings tell me. I’ve been no for years.

Shit childhood for me. My mother has absolutely no affect on my success in life as she's the complete opposite always shut me down and my father was never in my life. I'm more successful now than my mum has ever been and it's all been off my own back. When I met my DP I couldnt believe how kind his mum was to him and always encouraged and applauded him. She genuinely wants the best for him in life and I pray to be a mother like she is.

Being bellowed at and sometimes smacked was pretty awful. Hearing a lot of arguments from parents, my dad's temper felt a bit scary sometimes. They were not very intersted parents and didn't spend much time with us at all looking back, very much about their own lives, careers and busy social lives. My mum especially I honestly don't have a single memory of her spending intentional time with me or doing anything 1 on 1, because she never did. Fair about of negative talk about what horrible children we were, occasionally some truly wicked things said to us. They were both very damaged from far worse childhoods of their own. They did try, probably could've tried harder. Never once was I read aloud to other than picture books before I started school. I never had any art supplies other than biro and printer paper, there was the money for it but it never would have occured to them. They were unhealthy role models in many ways including eating habits and alcohol consumption.They didn't make much effort to expose us to culture or horizon-broadening experiences - I reached adulthood without knowing a single piece of classical music, a single famous work of art, never having seen ballet or theatre other than christmas panto, never been to a NT property or similar. It was generally always rubbish on the telly, they never suggested we watch a documentary or anything improving. Just all very low-brow even though my parents had brains, degrees etc - just laziness really.

We were always shown that we were loved, plenty of physical affection which I think is very important. Children need to be shown that they are loved in obvious ways, its only when we get to adulthood we can recognise the more subtle signs of love.
My mum was a fairly cheerful person, most of the time. Good music was often playing. We did have good home cooked meals mostly (as well free reign with junk-food snacks, not so good). They bought good quality meat etc. Good quality clothes, shoes etc. They kept a nice home but were not extreme about tidiness, some of my friends lived under very draconian regimes in terms of the house always being neat as a pin - I appreciate that we were allowed to be kids and not worry about a few toys on the floor, sofa cushions messed up etc. They worked very hard to make sure we didn't lack materially. They cared about my academic progress and would try to push me to do my best, tried to encourage me to have aspirations of university etc. My dad would spend quite a lot of time chatting to me about all kinds of interesting things, he spoke to me as an equal at those terms and it helped me become confident in expressing opinions and feeling like my views had value. They encouraged independance and would let me take charge of things if i wanted to, like holiday interary or decorating the house for christmas which made me feel confident and capable. They tried. On reflection, I think they found most aspects of family life fairly boring and that made it hard going for them. My DH genuinely enjoys building sandcastles, playing in the sea with the kids etc at our local beach - my dad would do 5 painful mins and be longing to retreat behind his paper again bless him.