What was your childhood like?

[MissScarletInTheBallroom]

Or, more specifically, if you had a wonderful childhood and have been successful/happy/fulfilled (whatever that looks like for you), what did your parents do which you think contributed to this?

And if you had an unhappy childhood, how did your parents contribute to that and what do you think you missed out on?

The reason I ask is because my children are still very young and I want them to have the best start in life, but sometimes I feel paralysed by choice. For example, if I sign them up to loads of extracurricular activities, will that be good for them or will they feel micromanaged and wish they'd been allowed to just roam free? Conversely, if I don't do that and we just spend lots of time playing together at home and outside, will they have happy memories of their childhood or will they regret not having more opportunities to try different things?

I'd love to hear different perspectives about what makes a good childhood, beyond being loved and having all your material needs met.

I had a wonderful childhood. Above anything, I felt completely loved, particularly by my mum, and she devoted her life to her family and always put us before herself in every way. Things had been very difficult financially when my parents first got married and had my brother, but by the time I came along, we were reasonably well off. My mum made all our clothes and most of my toys, so I was always the envy of my friends because I had some really unique things, and all my sindy dolls had matching school uniforms 😆. I was almost never pushed into doing any extra curricular activities, but went horse riding once a week, and more often in the school holidays whilst I was at primary school. The only thing I was forced to do was go on a tennis week during the holidays on two occasions when I first started secondary school which I hated with a passion, and I managed to get myself chucked off the second one and banned from futures courses. It left me with a lifelong hatred of tennis😆

I had a lovely relationship with my mum. When I was a child and in my teens, she didn't try to be my best friend, and she could be quite strict, but I always knew I could go to her with any problems and be listened to. I always felt respected by my parents, but I had very clear boundaries, which of course I always pushed when I was in my teens. Once I was an adult, then my mum was my best friend for all of my life until she developed dementia and passed away two years ago. I hope that I was able to repay some of the love and support she gave me.

I tried to parent my daughter in the same way as I was brought up. I was a stay at home mum until she was eight because we felt that was the most important thing we could do for her. It was a huge struggle financially but we agreed it was worth it. I took my daughter to a mother and toddler group a couple of times a month, and she went to Tumble Tots once a week for a couple of years. She only went to nursery for two half days a week for two terms before she started school to get her used to being away from me, and she was happy as Larry when she started in reception. I never signed her up for any extra curricular activities unless she really wanted to do them , and most of the time she just wanted to come home and play - either with me or having friends to tea. Like my mum, I made lots of toys for my daughter, although I left the home made clothes to my mum 😆. I remember my childhood and my daughter's as being full of happiness and laughter.

I had a really happy childhood and have some wonderful memories of that time. Yet my younger brother, who had broadly the same childhood, has a very different take on things, and blames his childhood for all sorts of things!

My childhood was a mixture of happy and calm and stable to a bit chaotic at some points as my DM divorced my DF when I was 5 and a stepfather came along a year or so later who though was nice did lose his temper and get violent a bit.

We did all the outdoorsy stuff, holidays not necessarily abroad but definitely holidays in UK, went to NT/EH properties and museums and art galleries.

My DB however was very ill as a child with chronic asthma and almost died twice and this was a real worry. Then in my teens I had mini nervous breakdowns approx for 3-4 times lasting a few weeks each time, think it was hormones as once I was prescribed the BCP at 16 it improved. University was sort of encouraged but my last school I didn’t stay in 5th year so only took a handful of GCSEs privately though if I’d stayed I’d probably have done well and have done GCSE route then A levels and uni.

I'm an only child. I was given everything I could want materially and went to private school but my parents were emotionally abusive in different ways, due to their own issues. My mum came from an abusive family background and my dad is from a loving family but he's undiagnosed autistic and has never had the support he needs. When I was growing up, he was either at work or in bed.

I've tried to do everything differently with my own children. Ie, never dismiss their feelings. My mum would tell me I had no right to feel a certain way about something.

I will also apologise to my children if I get it wrong. We all get on really well and I have always tried to support their individual choices and let them know my love is unconditional.

I suppose I was an anxious, self conscious child. Lots of activities on offer: tennis lessons, guitar lessons, tap dancing but I’d have rather been just left to read. Theatre trips. Holidays. Up town to see the Christmas lights. Selfridges to choose a winter coat. Loving parents from loving parents. Dad worked, mum worked. Wanted for nothing. Great Christmases. Lovely grandparents but this was the 70s and I don’t think kids were listened to; not like I listen to my children x

It was pretty good although we were very poor and at times under the threat of homelessness. My parents did all they could to protect us from the worst of it and seemed to be able to make even the most mundane things magical. They were really in love with each other and loved us so in many ways that was all we needed.

Im pretty happy now in life although things haven’t always worked out for me. I think because of my dad being so amazing I knew a good man when I stumbled on to one and so I married him! I also think I got from them the ability to look on the bright side and to appreciate what I have and enjoy the little things in life. I am currently financially secure, cosy loving home and an amazing husband I’ve been with for 28 years.

See, I find this response interesting, because my parents definitely subscribed to the idea that we would be interested in/good at the same things they were interested in/good at and disinterested in/bad at the same things they were disinterested in/bad at.

So in terms of activities, I did Brownies and Guides (my mum was a Queen's Guide), ballet (she had always wanted to learn ballet but was never allowed to) and music (I learned the same instrument my mum had learned, and which she deeply regretted not having started earlier). I also did swimming, which was non negotiable, but otherwise was not encouraged to do anything sporty at all because my parents are not sporty, and I very much internalised their view that I would never be good at sports because they were not good at sports.

I was good at music, but have let it lapse as an adult, and I very much wish that I had been exposed to different instruments and allowed to choose which one I wanted to learn, rather than my mum deciding for me. I very much agree that the swimming was a good idea, but I don't feel that the ballet or the Brownies/Guides really enhanced my childhood all that much. (Especially having to do Brownies/Guides with a girl who was also bullying me at school, which my mum knew.) I have discovered as an adult that I am actually quite athletic, and regret not being encouraged to do any sports.

So for my kids, my current thinking is that there are two things which are non negotiable, one of which is swimming and the other is English lessons. (We live abroad and they will not learn to read and write English like native speakers without additional support.) As for the rest, I'd love them to try a range of different sporting/artistic activities for a few years and then pick the ones that interest them the most, but I'm also wary about filling up their childhood with too much of a structured routine.

Thanks for this. I am trying to come to terms with stopping at two rather than trying for a third and I think this is the main reason.

I've talked about this before on MN but we suffered severe emotional abuse as children which affected us well into adulthood.

In my case, I had zero self-esteem in my teens all the way up to my mid-20s. It took moving far away from home, going NC with one parent and LC with another, and consciously surrounding myself with happy, well-adjusted people to recover. It took the best part of 15 years to get there.

I think as long as you love your children and are supportive / non-judgmental of them, you're halfway to giving them a good childhood.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately as well. I was lucky to have a very happy childhood. We didn't have much so there weren't any ballet lessons or horse riding etc., stuff I could provide for my daughter now. The focus was very much on time with cousins and wider family, making the most of what we had.

Despite the lack of "stuff" and "experiences" my parents did a really good job of giving me and my siblings space to find our own paths (which all ended up very different!) and encouraged each of us on those very different paths. They withheld judgement and let us make our own mistakes when in hindsight I can only imagine how hard it must have been for them to hold back and not interfere too much while at the same time providing advice and support in a timely way. For me if I can do the same for my daughters I will be happy.

This is an interesting thread .

There were 7 of us kids my memory of when young we lived abroad and life was fun . Mum and dad seemed happy . When I was about 7 I went into hospital and my parents came home to England leaving me 4000 miles away in the care of the forces. To my little mind I was unwanted and forgotten as it was weeks before I was flown home to a British hospital , it was weeks before my parents came to get me . As an adult, I realise this was not my poor mums story , she must have gone through hell, leaving me . I believe this is where my anxiety and fear started , also feeling unloved .

Time went by , dad was an angry dad and there were awful rows and dad was unkind to mum and we all got hit . I disliked him most of my adult life . I left home at 16 . No support emotionally or financially . It really felt like they didn't care . But there were 9 mouths to feed and we were very poor . Leaving my mum broke my heart but I had to go . If I stayed it was uncomfortable living .

Living away from home at 16 was hard , lodgings where I wasn't fed properly and I desperately wanted to find a loving man to make my own nest . I would have married anyone who showed interest in me as I lacked self esteem or confidence . I did marry at 19 and it was into the frying pan, a nasty man , the meanest man I ever knew and an unkind abusive father to my beautiful children . So I messed up not only my life but that of my children. I'm an old lady now and I live with many regrets and guilt . I was damaged and because of that sadly my children were damaged . I divorced that husband after 16 horrible years and continued to make more bad decisions. Looking back at my long life I realise that there was no loving background security or support but I don't blame my parents , they did the best they could under difficult circumstances.

I remember giving birth to my two babies, I was 19 and 22 . I held them in my arms and consumed by such love promised I would do all I could to give them the best life and I would love them forever. Sadly it wasn't what I hoped for them . Now I'm in the twilight /winter of my life . It all seems to have been a dream . I never found the love I hoped for . It's all to late now anyway .

If I could live my life again knowing what I know now and the person I am today I would have given my children a better life as a single parent , but hindsite is a wonderful thing

My childhood was pleasant and in a lot of ways, privileged. I recognise that - large detached homes in affluent areas, piles of presents at Christmas etc. However, my father worked away a lot and my mother was verbally and physically abusive. I was afraid of her. I think my father was afraid of her too.

My parents never said that they loved me, or were proud of me.

So my children have always been told that I love them. When they achieve a goal, make good choices or demonstrate good actions I tell them I'm proud of them. I show up for them, physically and emotionally.

To know you are loved is a fantastic security, from which good things can be built.

My parents made encouraged us to play at least one sport and one instrument each. We were allowed to choose which (and switch but only once a year), pick up other hobbies or do more if we wanted, but this was the ground rule. In hindsight, it’s served us all quite well - and I’m saying that as someone who’s naturally pretty talentless at both sport and music.

We also had ready access to art supplies, sports equipment, books, outdoor spaces, theatres, galleries, museums and libraries. We were taken to cafes and restaurants as soon as we were old enough to behave ourselves at the table, and were expected to take part in ‘adult’ conversations and make convincing arguments on a variety of topics early on. We were also taught practical outdoor skills like navigating, fishing and foraging. I remember my parents saying they did not want to bring up children who could only survive in drawing rooms or in the jungle - either one alone was useless.

On the one hand, I’m happy to have those skills and experiences and have only realised their value much later (and maybe not fully even now). But on the other hand, it was not all great at the time. My parents were rather ‘Stately Homes’ in many ways and I often felt they only cared about my upbringing because having an ‘uncivilised’ child would have reflected badly on them. Even so, they got the odd thing right I suppose.

I grew up often being dropped by friends without really knowing why. Turns out it was because I spoke about people (nastily) all the time. Unfortunately that was what my mother did and she was my role model so I thought that was what you did.

Mine was fabulous.
My parents were wonderful, they were very supportive and encouraging, particularly with education.
Firm but fair and treated us all equally.
My father always gave us a big hug when he returned from work and took an interest in our day. He must have been shattered, but he always chatted to us, helped us with our homework and play games with us.
As long as my mum and us kids were happy, then he was happy.
( And he used to sneak me extra mushrooms off his plate onto mine when mum wasn't looking, we were the only ones who liked them 😁 )
I blooming love my parents.

There was good and bad of course but key things I remember fondly were

Playing cards together as a family - we did that a lot, and still do when we get together

Discussions and debates at the dinner table, we talked politics, religion, science, everything really. We listened to the news on Radio 4 and discussed what we heard. We very often had guests for dinner, especially on Sundays, and they would get involved in these discussions and so we were exposed to a range of views and it was fascinating and educational.

Watching TV and films together. This is one that I remember so fondly that I make sure to do it with my children.

Holidays based around family. As our relatives all lived far away, in different countries, our holidays were based around visiting them rather than beach holidays or things like that (we did have two beach holidays that I remember though) and I loved getting to spend extended periods of time with family and family friends.

We all helped out around the house, and with my dad's job (a minister, so doing church admin stuff and things like that) so learnt some work ethic, and how to cook and do laundry and essential life skills like that.

There was a lot of teasing, but it was done with love rather than cruel teasing. We laughed at ourselves as well as at each other, though of course sometimes someone would take it too far, but I think being able to laugh was important.

100% this.

I didn't know how to behave properly in a social setting and how to be a good friend and not a bitchy, judgemental bellend.

I had to teach myself all the important life lessons.

The irony is we looked like the perfect family - affluent, parents were senior professionals (one was renowned in their field), high-achieving academic kids etc. but no one could have known how much damage to mental health was being caused behind closed doors.

That's the thing with emotional abuse - so much harder to spot.

My 3 siblings and I would all say we had a pretty ideal childhood. It was mostly our nuclear family (we visited grandparents) but we played with the neighbourhood kids a lot. We had to stay outside on sunny days and often just roamed the streets and parks. My mother was known to be strict (a bit scary for some) but was loving and fair. Dad was just always very sweet.

We had to play one sport each season. My sister and I did Pippins and Brownies which taught useful skills. We did music lessons for a year or two (I wasn't great). None of us excelled at sports or music but I appreciate the opportunity to try without having to run around to scheduled activities all the time.

I think the teenage years were less ideal and I think they struggled having 4 of us in terms of attention and finances. We moved to a different town and house without an outdoor space at all and limited transport options. It should be a time to explore but my parents had set views on what was silly (including female things like nail polish and make-up and long hair). We didn't get pocket money so Mum would still buy our clothes (with us there but they were still her style).

My kids are little (2 and 4) but I'd like them to do a sport and an instrument. I'm quite focused on making them well-rounded and confident. We moved to have a large garden to grow flowers and veges and they help me make dinner and bake. I've filled the house with books and would like to do the same with music now the older can listen to non-kid music a little more. I'd like for them to have more fun and freedom in their teenage years (which I know will still be a bit angsty and awkward).

This is a really interesting one, thank you!