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Original poster

Can’t be bothered 😭😊

37 replies

Chunkiestchunkever · 21/10/2024 23:58

hiyaaa,

Long rant…
So, my mum started uni this year and is doing a healthcare based course - she’s doing great and has a lot of confidence but sometimes likes to rely on me/my sister a lot for support with essays etc. my sister still lives at home so I think she feels the brunt of it all a bit more than I do… I’ve got very young kids and a full time job so I just don’t have the time/motivation/energy to help her out…it’s not that I don’t want to, but I can’t be bothered and when I have free time I just want it for myself to relax and unwind after a busy day. It’s annoying because I love my mum and want to help her as much as possible but I’ve got a family of my own and what usually happens is if I say no, she does this thing where she gets extremely upset and starts guilt tripping and talking about all the sacrifices she’s made for us etc and basically makes us feel like we’re massively letting her down🤔 it’s almost like there’s this pressure to help her or it gets turned around on us like her passing the course depends on us or something 😭 like, she recently asked me to help her out with something and I really didn’t want to because I’m tired but didn’t have the courage to kindly say no, so I did a bit of the work but just ignored a massive chunk and sent it back to her…she did appear a bit disappointed but was overall okay. Now I feel a bit bad but how can I get through to her that I can’t be as hands on as I used to be? I’d also like to mention that English isn’t her first language and although she speaks it very well, she isn’t a native and taking on a whole course in English is new for her so I think this might have something to do with it…

OP posts:
RechargeableGnu · 22/10/2024 00:12

Erm you shouldn't be doing her work for her, full stop.

TowerStork · 22/10/2024 00:16

Why don't you help us access the uni's writing support services instead. Proofreading the English is one thing but why are you doing the work? I know people who had one statistics class and got help from knowledgeable family members for that, but you are describing doing her course work.

TowerStork · 22/10/2024 00:17

That's help her access..

Original poster
Chunkiestchunkever · 22/10/2024 00:18

RechargeableGnu · 22/10/2024 00:12

Erm you shouldn't be doing her work for her, full stop.

You think?

OP posts:
Original poster
Chunkiestchunkever · 22/10/2024 00:19

TowerStork · 22/10/2024 00:16

Why don't you help us access the uni's writing support services instead. Proofreading the English is one thing but why are you doing the work? I know people who had one statistics class and got help from knowledgeable family members for that, but you are describing doing her course work.

ooh okay, noted

OP posts:
username35890 · 22/10/2024 01:43

OP if I've understood correctly, your mum is training in healthcare but her English is too poor to read the material or write essays.

You and your sister are doing the course for her. So she's expecting to get a job in the field not knowing what she's doing or ability to communicate.

If that's right, it's a really bad idea.

Kedece2410 · 22/10/2024 01:45

Are sarcastic replies to people replying to your post really necessary??

FictionalCharacter · 22/10/2024 01:46

Good grief, you’re doing her course work for her? She’s cheating. And she could pass, despite not being competent to do the job. She should be doing all the work herself.

username35890 · 22/10/2024 01:50

username35890 · 22/10/2024 01:43

OP if I've understood correctly, your mum is training in healthcare but her English is too poor to read the material or write essays.

You and your sister are doing the course for her. So she's expecting to get a job in the field not knowing what she's doing or ability to communicate.

If that's right, it's a really bad idea.

I've just re read the post and she's fluent in English. I don't understand why she can't do the work then. She needs to do the work or she won't be able to do the job.

betterangels · 22/10/2024 01:50

It's worrying that you're helping her this much. If the university finds out, will she be allowed to continue on the course? And, more importantly, will she understand enough to eventually do the job? You want to help her, but it could come back to bite—both her and eventual patients.

betterangels · 22/10/2024 01:52

username35890 · 22/10/2024 01:50

I've just re read the post and she's fluent in English. I don't understand why she can't do the work then. She needs to do the work or she won't be able to do the job.

Show quote history

I didn't read it properly. It's a different situation, but then my question is, why are you helping her cheat?

username35890 · 22/10/2024 01:56

betterangels · 22/10/2024 01:52

I didn't read it properly. It's a different situation, but then my question is, why are you helping her cheat?

Show quote history

I'm not. Honest guv!

Normallynumb · 22/10/2024 02:20

You shouldn't be doing her work for her
She shouldn't be guilt tripping you to help her cheat

BriannasBananaBread · 22/10/2024 02:26

what usually happens is if I say no, she does this thing where she gets extremely upset and starts guilt tripping and talking about all the sacrifices she’s made for us etc and basically makes us feel like we’re massively letting her down🤔

This is emotional abuse. To manipulate you into doing what she wants. You don't have to put up with it. It's not ok. She shouldn't be doing it.

almost like there’s this pressure to help her or it gets turned around on us like her passing the course depends on us or something 😭

Look up DARVO. That's what she's doing. Also refusing to take responsibility for herself. It's her doing the course and it's on her if she passed or fails, nobody else.

so I did a bit of the work but just ignored a massive chunk and sent it back to her

WTF?! She has to do the work, not you or anyone else! It's her course. That's dishonest. Do you want a health care person in charge of your care one day, who got someone else to do the work so they could fraudulently pass the course?! I know I don't! Tell your sister to stop doing it too. All the pair of you are helping her do is commit fraud, to gain a job she's not actually qualified for because you two did the work! FFS, she's really done a number on you if you think this is in any way normal or acceptable.

BriannasBananaBread · 22/10/2024 02:29

Kedece2410 · 22/10/2024 01:45

Are sarcastic replies to people replying to your post really necessary??

I'm not seeing sarcasm. I'm seeing naivety of someone who's so under her controlling mummy's thumb she's got no idea of what's right or wrong.

Kedece2410 · 22/10/2024 03:39

BriannasBananaBread · 22/10/2024 02:29

I'm not seeing sarcasm. I'm seeing naivety of someone who's so under her controlling mummy's thumb she's got no idea of what's right or wrong.

Show quote history

I think replies of

You think? and
Oooh OK noted

are absolutely sarcastic. I dont see naivety. Just rudeness

Jeansontoast · 22/10/2024 05:40

username35890 · 22/10/2024 01:50

I've just re read the post and she's fluent in English. I don't understand why she can't do the work then. She needs to do the work or she won't be able to do the job.

Show quote history

There's a difference with being able to fluently speak English and being able to construct an essay and be grammatically literate. Many English people can't even do this.

OP I can completely understand why your mum wants your help with her essay, especially not feeling confident with her essay writing ability. I have just finished a masters and we were still given lessons on how to write essays, despite us all having undergraduate degrees already. Essay writing isn't always easy, and the majority of students will have a third party review and edit their writing. This isn't uncommon. So for anyone saying she is cheating, I would argue that she is simply using resources to help her pass, like many do.

Plus, I imagine if it is a healthcare course there might be placements? If so, it is these that determine to a greater degree, ones ability be a good healthcare professional. My lecturer would often tell the class; try and get a decent mark on your essays, but don't worry if it's just a pass, some of the best professionals are not the best writers.

I think your mum needs a little more confidence in herself, is all. There should be writing cafes and help through the uni with essays and coursework. They will go through her essay with her and make suggestions about construction and grammar. I have used these services before, and they have been excellent and usually run by English language graduates. I've been amazed how, even though I always thought of myself as a very competent writer (always got A's in school and undergrad for my essays) in fact, there were so many things I was doing wrong.

username35890 · 22/10/2024 05:56

@Jeansontoast

There's a difference with being able to fluently speak English and being able to construct an essay and be grammatically literate. Many English people can't even do this.

You would want someone who got other people to do her work to qualify to care for you?

The OP says that her mum's English is very good and she got into university. How is she meant to do her job if she hasn't studied properly?

We're not talking about someone who needs help to construct an essay, it's someone who's getting other people to do the work for her.

Jeansontoast · 22/10/2024 06:09

username35890 · 22/10/2024 05:56

@Jeansontoast

There's a difference with being able to fluently speak English and being able to construct an essay and be grammatically literate. Many English people can't even do this.

You would want someone who got other people to do her work to qualify to care for you?

The OP says that her mum's English is very good and she got into university. How is she meant to do her job if she hasn't studied properly?

We're not talking about someone who needs help to construct an essay, it's someone who's getting other people to do the work for her.

Edited

I don't think at any point did OP say that she was researching the topics and writing her actual essay. I very much got the impression she was editing what was already written and making suggestions.

For many healthcare courses their are apprenticeship alternatives now. They don't include much of an essay element. Mostly just work experience. Would you not trust these people with your healthcare?

username35890 · 22/10/2024 06:17

Jeansontoast · 22/10/2024 06:09

I don't think at any point did OP say that she was researching the topics and writing her actual essay. I very much got the impression she was editing what was already written and making suggestions.

For many healthcare courses their are apprenticeship alternatives now. They don't include much of an essay element. Mostly just work experience. Would you not trust these people with your healthcare?

Show quote history

The OP says her and her sister are doing a lot of work for her.

Would you not trust these people with your healthcare?

Like I said I wouldn't want someone who hadn't studied properly to care for me. You've somehow twisted it to mean that I wouldn't want anyone who had studied healthcare to care for me which is nonsensical.

Jeansontoast · 22/10/2024 06:27

username35890 · 22/10/2024 06:17

The OP says her and her sister are doing a lot of work for her.

Would you not trust these people with your healthcare?

Like I said I wouldn't want someone who hadn't studied properly to care for me. You've somehow twisted it to mean that I wouldn't want anyone who had studied healthcare to care for me which is nonsensical.

Show quote history

OP has been non specific as to whether this is editing or subject matter. Editing can be a massive task in itself, so this would be a lot of work.

I'm assuming OP's mum is attending lectures. Therefore, is still learning the course.

We simply don't have enough information to make assumptions about her ability to be a good healthcare professional, only that she needs help writing her essays.

autienotnaughty · 22/10/2024 06:31

Proof reading is fine , writing essays for her is not. The point of the course is for her to learn this stuff not you.

When you say no and she goes into the guilt trip point out firmly that you are her dd and she was putting you first, and that by saying no you are doing the same for your dd.

Bjorkdidit · 22/10/2024 08:13

Jeansontoast · 22/10/2024 06:27

OP has been non specific as to whether this is editing or subject matter. Editing can be a massive task in itself, so this would be a lot of work.

I'm assuming OP's mum is attending lectures. Therefore, is still learning the course.

We simply don't have enough information to make assumptions about her ability to be a good healthcare professional, only that she needs help writing her essays.

Show quote history

But if she's not understanding the lectures, she's not learning the course. If the OP and her DSis are indeed giving significant input into their DMs course work, then it's all going to come out sooner or later when her exam performance doesn't match her course work.

University staff will have decades of experience and will surely be wise to the possibility that course work isn't always a student's own work?

Original poster
Chunkiestchunkever · 22/10/2024 09:01

BriannasBananaBread · 22/10/2024 02:26

what usually happens is if I say no, she does this thing where she gets extremely upset and starts guilt tripping and talking about all the sacrifices she’s made for us etc and basically makes us feel like we’re massively letting her down🤔

This is emotional abuse. To manipulate you into doing what she wants. You don't have to put up with it. It's not ok. She shouldn't be doing it.

almost like there’s this pressure to help her or it gets turned around on us like her passing the course depends on us or something 😭

Look up DARVO. That's what she's doing. Also refusing to take responsibility for herself. It's her doing the course and it's on her if she passed or fails, nobody else.

so I did a bit of the work but just ignored a massive chunk and sent it back to her

WTF?! She has to do the work, not you or anyone else! It's her course. That's dishonest. Do you want a health care person in charge of your care one day, who got someone else to do the work so they could fraudulently pass the course?! I know I don't! Tell your sister to stop doing it too. All the pair of you are helping her do is commit fraud, to gain a job she's not actually qualified for because you two did the work! FFS, she's really done a number on you if you think this is in any way normal or acceptable.

She’s got years and years of experience in the profession but she’s trying to gain a professional qualification if that makes sense? So it’s not like she doesn’t know what field she’s going into, it’s that she wants a higher, well paid role in the profession, which is why we’ve been helping her, but it’s just that I kind of what to be able to say “no” without feeling this massive flood and guilt and responsibility

OP posts:
Original poster
Chunkiestchunkever · 22/10/2024 09:04

autienotnaughty · 22/10/2024 06:31

Proof reading is fine , writing essays for her is not. The point of the course is for her to learn this stuff not you.

When you say no and she goes into the guilt trip point out firmly that you are her dd and she was putting you first, and that by saying no you are doing the same for your dd.

The help we give is usually a combination of proof reading to sort out grammatical errors, sometimes writing a few bits here and there, sometimes sorting out references etc. basically editing the work…as I mentioned, her spoke English is absolutely fine and she’d have no issue communicating with patients but it’s just the “academic English” if that makes sense… I guess we kind of support her because there’s often a lot of grammatical errors due to the lack of fluency in written English so the essays/assignments sometimes don’t really flow the way she’d like but sometimes it’s too much work😭

OP posts:
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