Can’t be bothered 😭😊

[Chunkiestchunkever]

hiyaaa,

Long rant…
So, my mum started uni this year and is doing a healthcare based course - she’s doing great and has a lot of confidence but sometimes likes to rely on me/my sister a lot for support with essays etc. my sister still lives at home so I think she feels the brunt of it all a bit more than I do… I’ve got very young kids and a full time job so I just don’t have the time/motivation/energy to help her out…it’s not that I don’t want to, but I can’t be bothered and when I have free time I just want it for myself to relax and unwind after a busy day. It’s annoying because I love my mum and want to help her as much as possible but I’ve got a family of my own and what usually happens is if I say no, she does this thing where she gets extremely upset and starts guilt tripping and talking about all the sacrifices she’s made for us etc and basically makes us feel like we’re massively letting her down🤔 it’s almost like there’s this pressure to help her or it gets turned around on us like her passing the course depends on us or something 😭 like, she recently asked me to help her out with something and I really didn’t want to because I’m tired but didn’t have the courage to kindly say no, so I did a bit of the work but just ignored a massive chunk and sent it back to her…she did appear a bit disappointed but was overall okay. Now I feel a bit bad but how can I get through to her that I can’t be as hands on as I used to be? I’d also like to mention that English isn’t her first language and although she speaks it very well, she isn’t a native and taking on a whole course in English is new for her so I think this might have something to do with it…

So say no knowing that it's the right thing to do for your family. And also for your mum because she needs to do it herself and/or get help from the course provider. And for the general public in the long term because they won't be treated by someone who hasn't done the course.

Yes it’s a bit complex, when I handed back the work to her missing out large chunks I felt a sense of relief but the disappointment on her face was a bit tricky to deal with

And also you might need to look into why you are unable to maintain healthy boundaries with your mum. She is, knowingly or not, manipulating you. You are going to be less available as a mum to your own kids if you are "doing her homework" for her when you could be doing things with them.

I don’t really see how writing those responses are rude. Please explain how it’s rude? Is it because it’s a short response or something?

Any decent university has support for students to proof read and provide grammatical assistance. Not rewriting essays. If she can communicate in English verbally, she can use voice to text.

Having you or your sister do the work is cheating. Submitted work is analysed and it will be picked up there are multiple writing styles in her essays, which will probably flag as plagiarism or AI.

Ok so she's not asking you to write her assignments? She just wants you to fix them up for her?

If so, there are websites that can do that for her. Grammarly is decent. But there are plenty of others and some places where people can check it for her for a fee.

I think this comment is extremely helpful and pretty sums up what I’ve been trying to figure out, she can definitely use the resources to help her but I’m not sure why she doesn’t. I think she has this view that because we’re her daughters we’ve got some sort of moral responsibility to help her with the work and like I said, if I had the time and mental energy to get into that sort of stuff I would but I just can’t 😭

Yes I agree. My husband has always been really against me helping her with the work because I’ve got a workload of my own, so I think it’s definitely time to reinforce those boundaries (in a kind way of course).

Kedece2410
I think replies of

You think? and
Oooh OK noted

are absolutely sarcastic. I dont see naivety. Just rudeness
I don’t really see how writing those responses are rude. Please explain how it’s rude? Is it because it’s a short response or something?

I think it's just the problem with people reading the tone differently to what you meant - it can be easily done in text!
So 'you think' could be delivered sarcastically or genuinely. I think you meant it genuinely, but it's easy to misread :)

It's a hard thing to do with someone you love, but your mum isn't considering the impact on you here, so you do need to say clearly that you can't do this for her anymore.
But at least you can soften the blow by helping her to access the support that is available to her.
Good to know your DH has your back, he may have ideas for how you can approach this. People one step removed can often see more clearly what's going wrong and what to do about it.

I’ll try to have a look at the different support available that the uni can provide in terms or
proofreading and grammar etc, whether she actually uses it or not is up to her though - I’ll do what I can

This (from the University of Leeds) might help explain why you should not be helping your mum:

Allowing someone else to do your work for you
There are a number of reasons why you must not allow someone else to do your work for you; so that they
a) complete an entire piece of work;
b) help you with planning and researching;
c) contribute partially to the drafting and/or writing of your work; or
d) proof-read, edit, or re-write your original text.
Why is this a problem?
By allowing someone else to do your work you deliberately mislead markers about your ability and knowledge. You also risk financial exploitation and blackmail by using on-line sites offering essay- writing and proof-reading services. Such sites are illegal in the UK.
What can I do to avoid problems with my work?

• Ignore claims from on-line essay and proof-reading sites, or from other students, that the University approves of their use. Never contact these sites.
• Never ask family or friends to do work for you. Say ‘no’ if they offer to provide you with ideas or answers.
• If you are struggling with work, or personal difficulties, seek support from your academic personal tutor or other University staff.

What are the penalties if something goes wrong? It is a particularly serious breach of academic integrity to allow someone to do your work for you. The normal penalty is permanent exclusion from the University.

It doesn't matter if she knows what she is writing about. It needs to be of the standard required to gain a qualification in it.