I've failed my daughter.

[Coffee2021]

Hi, I need some advice.

My daughter is 21, she can't hold down a job, has mental health issues and uses drugs and alcohol. I have looked for support for her, but it only seems available if you are homeless and I don't want to go down that route. She wouldn't be able to cope.

She won't accept help from me, it just turns into an argument. She is runining her life and needs support. I have tried to help her to become independent, but nothing seems to work.

I am not going to make this about me, but I feel I have let it happen. Maybe I should have pushed it more when she was younger, but it always turns into upset and arguments if I try and speak to her. There were services (soical services, CAMHS) available when she was younger, but not anymore. She is an adult so she is expected to take responsibility, but she can't seem too.

I could let her hit rock bottom, but is that going to make it worse for us? What if she can't get out of it?

Any suggestions??

Sadly, you need her to want help before things can change. 💐

Yes, that's true.

I’m sorry to hear this.

I suspect this will be mine and DD’s near future.

She is nearly 18 but didn’t finish school because of severe mental health at the time that also affected her physical health. Now under medication she is phisically ok but struggles with social interaction and is agoraphobic. Supposed to be studying and attending online tuition for functional skills exams but it is a struggle. No drugs or alcohol but video games through the night and unhealthy attachment to her only friend.

She does receive PIP but god knows until when. Refuses any and all help and it is perfectly content having no ambitions but thinks things will magically work for her someday somehow.
Refuses to cook, help around the house and hygiene is hit and miss.

Because she really suffered physically and was suicidal/self harming, I try to be understanding and supportive but I know sometimes I’m too soft - the emotional outbursts, blame game and complete misreading and misunderstanding of my intentions is baffling.

If alcohol and drugs were in the picture, I don’t know what I’d do tbh. I’m all for letting people hit rock bottom but it is hard when they are so young and your own.

No advice unfortunately but have you watched Beautiful Boy?

Can you afford private counselling for her?

There will be a local substance misuse support service. They help anybody not just the homeless but she will need to want to refer herself. Have you looked into mental health support, either NHS or private? Many won't work with people unless they are addressing their substance misuse.
Were there any significant events that may have triggered this behaviour?
You have not failed your daughter, you are doing the best you can by trying to support her.

No advice but I worry DD will be like this in a few years. It is so difficult and frightening because I think the problem is that there is no right answer - all you can do is what seems best at the time and hope it works.

Does she have a diagnosis? Can you talk to her at all or is she not open to that? Is there anything in life that she actually enjoys at the moment?

Hi @bitesthedust thank you for your reply.

I've not seen Beautiful Boy, but just looked at the trailer and will watch it.

I am sorry you are having issues too. I just wish there was more support and advice. The school were good, but once they leave that support finishes.

I know what you mean re the mental health. I am desperate to help her, but I just make it worse all the time and it ends up with her upset. I thought it was best to leave her to work through it, but that hasn't worked.

That sounds incredibly difficult and like you're doing the best you can

Thank you for the other replies.

No, unfortunately I can't afford any private counselling. She hasn't got a diagnosis, there is something there, but I am not sure what. She has had appointments in the past, but never follows up and there is only so much they offer before closing her case.

She has tried the 12 steps before, but that hasn't worked. I want her to contact the drug and alcohol service, but she won't.

I think her mental health has triggered the behaviour, she was encouraged by CAMHS to attend youth centres and this is when she met others her age and got into the drugs and alcohol.

She doesn't seem to enjoy anything sensible, just using.

I think she will have to hit rock bottom, it is just so hard watching her do that, plus it is not a quick fix, I just wanted so much more for her. It's so hard, I am at breaking point and she doesn't care.

MIND
Turning-point
Nar-anon

All offer advice and support for friends and family.
My best friend had a Nar-Anon group, she found it so helpful to know she was not alone and learned ways to support without enabling, She shared with me some of struggles of other families which helped her decide best support. She was able to find strength and stop giving money, and also protect her own things from being stolen by her son.

She was never really able to know if he was still using. He used to wear heavily tinted glasses/sunglasses all the time, even indoors which she tried to deny was masking signs of abuse.

Anyway, he had held jobs. Though at one point arrested for drugs and did go to rehab …
He started using as an early teen. Looking back, he prob had MH and drugs helped somehow. He died from heart attack at 58, too early and no doubt linked to unhealthy living for 40 yrs.

Please try to find support from dedicated organizations

Unfortunately she needs to stand on her own two feet and by helping her you are enabling the behaviour.

I personally would be cutting all contact and funds. Let her get a job and go to work. It's a lifestyle choice unfortunately and you can't help those that don't want it.

Please watch Beautiful Boy or read the book.
It is not your fault and there is hope.
This is so very hard. Also look into ALANON. Even if you discard the religious aspect, the support is very helpful (to me it was at least - alcoholic ex)
I was part of a very good ALANON online forum, let me know if you want me to look for the link.
ALANON also has online meetings.

Addiction and ill mental health are not a life style choice 🤔

Is your dd autistic? That was my first thought when I read your description. If that hasn’t been considered, it could be critical to addressing her mental health and for both of your communication going forward.

Yes she is and has the official diagnosis

I’m sorry OP this is so difficult, my BIL is very similar although older, he is 30 now and still living at home, unable to hold down a job, battling mental health and addiction.

I speak from experience when I say we have tried everything we can, PIL can’t or don’t want to try and help him. My husband and I have done everything we possibly can to try and help him. We took him into our home to see if that would help, it didn’t. He decided he wanted to change and wanted to try a residential to get clean and therapy, we funded that and paid for a 28 day one, he left early and refused to go back. Then he decided he was ready again and would try counselling, we paid privately for that, he went to a few and then again stopped going.

All of this is to show you that you cannot help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. If our money, our time, our effort, our worry, our support could have helped BIL, he’d be perfectly fine now. The reality is he has to genuinely want to change and he simply doesn’t, overcoming addiction and mental health issues is really fucking hard, and the person HAS to really really want to do it. If they don’t then there is nothing you can do to make them.

It’s a hard pill to swallow, but it’s the truth. At some stage you have to decide if you are hindering more than you are helping, only you know where that line lies, there is a very fine line between enabling and supporting.

Bloody hell what kind of a fucked up reply is this? Have you even read the OP? Since when were mental health issues and addiction a lifestyle choice?

How is she paying for drugs and who is supplying them to her? Is she living with you?

Thank you everyone, your words of advice are really helpful and I am taking it all on board.

@jefl011 I don't give her money directly, but I do house her and feed her. Otherwise she would never cope and would be in a worse situation.

I agree it may have been a lifestyle choice to begin with, but she was a child then, we all make mistakes, but some of us can get out of it easier than others. She needs support to be able to stand on her own two feet.

@FrothyCothy she has a job, but it won't be long until they let her go. Thus is how she has funded it, I don't have the money to fund it.

She is on her way to hitting rock bottom and losing everything. I just don't want it to be this way, I was hoping she could help herself before then. But it doesn't seem she can.

I think the best thing you can do for both you and her at this stage is have a proper sit down chat, and set boundaries that you will not budge on.

You love her, you want to support her, but she is an adult now and she needs to be taking steps to getting herself out of this.

If she has money for drugs and alcohol, she has money to fund counselling sessions privately. There are quite a few charities which offer either free or reduced cost sessions, I know the first ones we paid for for BIL were £25 a session through a local addiction charity.

She needs to find a local AA/NA group and attend that, as much as she needs. You can support her by taking her and staying with her if she would prefer that.

She can make an appointment with her GP to discuss all of these things, you can support her with making that appointment and attending with her if you want to. Yes, the NHS therapy list may be long but it’s even longer if you never even join the list.

Depending on the drug there are local addiction centres which can help people get clean, so that is worth looking into. They can also signpost to other support.

The key to all of this though is that she has to want to do this, she has to commit, it won’t be easy and that has to come from her.

In the meantime you set boundaries in your own house, so she is welcome to stay, but you have a no drugs and no alcohol policy. A strict one.

Another vote for saying addiction and poor mental health are not a lifestyle choice. I sometimes want to kick back on those saying ‘they have to hit rock bottom and want to help themselves’ I wish someone would have forced me to go to rehab when I was younger. Instead they left me to it and it took me years to get back from the pits.

On the other hand I realise that the main push needs to come from the addict. People with mental health struggles definitely need the support, pure addicts may need to hit a personal low. In reality the boundaries between addiction and very unstable mental health are blurred. The book ‘never let go’ could be useful. I haven’t read it yet but I get an impression that it might help here.

either way sending lots of hugs and support

does she have friends she uses with? She needs to be taken out of those circles, that will make getting clean easier.

Can you relocate her (or even both of you) somewhere completely new? This is an extreme measure but this can be very effective. It can distract her from emotional turmoil - depending on the severity of the mental health issues of course. Starting a completely new life where she has to build life from scratch where there’s little time for low moods

I just want to say from the other side of this… I have struggled with mental health issues my entire life, not drinking or drugs but MH issues. I never ever ever have even let the thought cross my mind that my mum has failed me 💐

I'd like to share my story.
My daughter was similar at 17, but ran away from home for several weeks, lied constantly, went to uni and really went wild - blew through her loans, drugs, booze, really dangerous promiscuity etc. I was so very worried and tried to offer support, told her she could either change course or choose something else but she treated me with contempt, said it was her life etc so I could only stand back. She got kicked out, came home and sat watching tv all day for a few months. I was so sad to see her despair and unhappiness so I decided to be firm and asked her to pay rent out of her benefits, help in house etc - she was v cross but she then got a cleaning job,. She enjoyed the routine of it, meeting people and she then ended up applying for a good job which she loves. We became very close and talked a lot about many things that had bothered her.

However, she felt a lot of shame about her past and went into therapy which I encouraged - I was concerned about how she became very fixated on her young therapist. She also became very involved in various Reddit subgroups. Gradually she became more and more distant until one day she said that she was going low contact with me, (she'd left home to live with two friends) didn't want a relationship with me other than meeting at family events. She shut down all discussion.

As her mum, I am naturally glad that she is living a full life with a job, home and partner but I'm heartbroken by her estrangement from me. I have no choice but to let her go and hope that she's happy.

Very similar things have happened to some friends or alternatively, there are daughters/sons who are v withdrawn from life I.e. don't want to work/socialise etc.

I don't know the answers.
Best wishes.