I've failed my daughter.

[Coffee2021]

Hi, I need some advice.

My daughter is 21, she can't hold down a job, has mental health issues and uses drugs and alcohol. I have looked for support for her, but it only seems available if you are homeless and I don't want to go down that route. She wouldn't be able to cope.

She won't accept help from me, it just turns into an argument. She is runining her life and needs support. I have tried to help her to become independent, but nothing seems to work.

I am not going to make this about me, but I feel I have let it happen. Maybe I should have pushed it more when she was younger, but it always turns into upset and arguments if I try and speak to her. There were services (soical services, CAMHS) available when she was younger, but not anymore. She is an adult so she is expected to take responsibility, but she can't seem too.

I could let her hit rock bottom, but is that going to make it worse for us? What if she can't get out of it?

Any suggestions??

@Mrsttcno1 I have tried talking and setting rules, it never works. I have had to back down because the alternative is so tine consuming and exhausting. She won't get the help, although I have asked her, the more I ask the more she refuses. I think she needs to want the help.

I have looked at moving, but I am limited and its impossible.

I'm sorry, if I sounds like I am making excuses, but I feel like I have tried most things.

I do appreciate everyone's input, I haven't really spoken to anyone about it all, but the reassurance is really helpful.

Please contact support like Nar-Anon, MIND … they have many resources developed over years supporting families.

I know it is difficult, we went through it with BIL, but either way is time consuming and difficult.

You decide your boundaries, set them, and stick to them. Provide all of the support you feel capable of and can. But ultimately this is down to her.

There are charities who can support you, in supporting her, so definitely reach out to those.

I don't have any advice...my eldest son is similar minus the drugs and alcohol.

There's an epidemic of this sort of thing. You can only do so much to mitigate the effects of society. It isn't your fault 💐

I would definitely get her assessed for ADHD.

@Whatthefuck3456 we had the forms, but she wouldn't fill them in. It was one of the arguments we had often. The problem is now, the waiting times are actually ridiculous, that the mental health team are refusing to accept anymore referrals. The mental health team/NHS is on its knees. I can't afford to go private.

Bless her. You seem to think she’s still just not trying hard enough.

I recommend Fern Brady’s book.

It sounds like my sd. I know she has tried drugs when she was 16 and most likely that carried on but to what extent I don't know.
We took a fairly hard line, engage with private therapy, have a Saturday job around sixth form and regular times for getting up in the morning when she was with us. If she wasn't up and dressed we got her up and she was taken out every day even if it was just a walk. She's no contact now due to us discovering something else that was awful and banning it from happening in our house. She wanted to continue so chose to cut us off as her mum just believes everything is all fine when it really isn't.
So I have no answers we obviously didn't get it right as she's no contact but you haven't failed her

Just wanted to say I don't think you've 'failed' 💐

DB was similar at that age (still kinda is now but that's a different story!) and ended up in a mental hospital. It always shocked me how many of the patients did NOT have any family support around them. It's a shitty thing to have to sit around and watch happen, but bar you abandoning her completely (which it doesn't sound like you're doing!) you haven't failed. You're being a supportive parent at a terrible time.

Thank you

It is frustrating and yes you are right. She is required to do online tuition, 3 hours a day max, can finish earlier if necessary, camera can be off. She does not attend every session despite the promisses and doesn’t want to study on her own with me or by herself. I’m the one emailing the tutors, cancelling, postponing etc etc and it is so different from who I am (very dutiful, organised, punctual, efficient) so I do struggle. When she does attend she does very well and the tutors are pretty amazing. It is just that everyone is running out of ideas what to do to help tbh.

That sounds like a LOT for a burnt out autistic young person to me, though. So many different demands as part of that as well as the message that she’s done something wrong / let people down if she can’t manage to attend.

Neither of my two DD’s who aren’t in school would cope with that.

She may need a long period of recovery before she’s ready to engage?

OP, i don’t think you’ve failed her either. I don’t think you can fix this. I think it’s important to remember that where you are now isn’t where you’ll always be and that things can change. I think all you can do is exactly what you are doing, and help your dd access support when she’s ready.

But how many chances will she have and for how long?
The council is funding her tuition, only maths and english and she is 17, she didn't sit any exams, had terrible attendance at the end of secondary school

The main problem is - she stays awake the whole night talking to her friend because this is when her friend is awake and she doesn't want to miss out - if her friend had a normal sleeping schedule, she would too. Sometimes she manages to be awake during the day, do Titian lessons, work etc, sleep early and all is good. But the she misses her friend or catches up during the weekend and all goes downhill again. It is a cycle, we go round and round and round.

Sorry OP, didn't mean to highjack your post

Yes, I get that the funding is hard to come by but if she can’t access it at the moment then it’s no good to her. She might have to do the qualifications as an adult when she’s ready? My DN who didn’t sit exams has accessed an OU course.

I get the frustration re the friend and staying awake all night, and at 17 it’s hard to control that. I wonder though whether the friend feels like a lifeline for her as she sounds so isolated?

Qualifications aren’t the be all and end all. And they can be done later. I’d drop the sense of urgency about that. It can be really hard to let go of that. It’s a really, really difficult situation.

One of my DD’s is sitting exams at home which we are funding (well, we’re funding the tuition, the LA the exam fee) and the other… is only really able to engage on her own terms, so who k mb owe whether she’ll ever sit an exam. She’s bright, but very demand avoidant.

sorry for hijack, op.

Burnout and poor executive function can look a lot like disengagement and lack of effort.

How can she cut contact ? She lives there.

I am not a professional but due to voluntary work have come in to contact with lots of people with drug, alcohol and MH issues. They go hand in hand often as it’s a way to self medicate. Some open up when in a safe environment so they tell their stories sometimes it’s been a snippet and sometimes it’s been detailed. Many of them even if they didn’t quite see the link did have a reason as things had happened to them especially when a child. As painful as it is if the reason if known and if she will discuss it at some point in her life then there is a way to tackle it that is tangible. The problem is there needs to be a time that is right for her and with many young people as the brain is still maturing at that age they just can’t fathom the link, plus their illness.

I just want to acknowledge what your going through and do understand about getting people to co operate is in no way a reflection on people around the person with MH conditions. The point about dealing with MH issues is they make no sense and are very hard to understand and the poor people going through it with the illness can lose touch with reality. I did for a while when I had a bout of really deep depression following two close bereavements. I look back and do not recognise myself at all.

Unfortunately the best way to stop enabling it would be to say that if she continues using drugs and alcohol she won't be welcome. Then OP needs to follow through with it.

@bitesthedust you haven't highjacked, don't worry.

@notatinydancer exactly! @jefl011 I can't kick her out. The Counil won't help, she would need help, such as supported housing and that's not something they offer. She would just end up on the street and in even more of a mess. I get being tough, but it wouldn't help.

Thank you @ViciousCurrentBun that does make sense.

Thank you to all the other replies as well.

OP look up Kim Muench on social media. She specialises in older teens and young adults and deals with this exact issue.

Thank you @bendmeoverbackwards I will do

My neighbor needed support for her son, was living with her and could not live alone MH & msybe substances. She very much wanted to move on with her life (single, wanted to resume old career which required periods of time at locations away from home). Plus didn’t want costs of larger property, and risk leaving adult child there. She was private renting.

She contacted adult social care, told them she was needing to leave country to care for very sick relative and needed her adult child to get housing. Her son, could not hold a job. There was a lot of hoops, but she needed to move on. She initiated an assessment, and level of care was assessed. Council tried to push back and make her do care, but she said I’m getting on a plane. DS will be homeless, I cannot afford pay his rent.

Son is living in a situation where there is supervision. She did not leave country but moved to where she could get a job. She Lives on her own in small flat and visits son. And feels it’s best for him to be independent of her. He is making some progress.

Your council has this, they prob just saying don’t.

They were both unhappy together.