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Original poster

Feel guilty being happy after my mum /gran have died...

29 replies

treeesgrowontrees · 18/10/2024 12:26

I'm 39 now.
My mum passed away when I was 14 with cancer.
I'm an only child and we were best friends.
My gran promised her she would look after me and she did with bells on.
My gran was my best friend
She was so special and I can't explain how much I loved her.
From 19 to 35 I was her full time carer as she had dementia.
I went through depression/anxiety the world because it was just me and her and the last 2 years were so hard.
There would be weeks I didn't leave the house
I couldn't go as far as Tesco as she couldn't be alone.
She passed away 3 years ago at 99.
I honestly thought I would never smile again
She was my world

I met my now partner a few months after.
We have been together just under 3 years and live together but I just feel so guilty as I'm happy.
I could never imagine going back to the life I had and it makes me feel so guilty.
I loved her so much but I was so unhappy and now I'm happy.
Next month we are going on holiday and I feel guilty for being excited.
I feel guilty laughing some days
Does this make sense ?

OP posts:
StopGo · 18/10/2024 12:30

Your mum and gran sound like amazing women and it certainly rubbed off on you. The best tribute to them is live your life wellFlowers. Enjoy your happiness.

Darkfloods · 18/10/2024 12:33

There was a lot of love in your family, they would be so pleased you are happy.

TheFreaksShallInheritTheEarth · 18/10/2024 12:33

Your wonderful mum and grandma obviously loved you very much and they would want you to be happy.

BobbyBiscuits · 18/10/2024 12:34

Your lovely Mum and Gran would be delighted for you. They would want you to be happy, and now you are. You are a credit to them. It's terrible to lose a parent young, and I think you always feel quite vulnerable from it. But you've come through all the challenges and now you should enjoy everything you've created. You deserve it!

AChickenPooAndABiscuit · 18/10/2024 12:40

Makes total sense @treeesgrowontrees . I lost my mum when I was a couple of years younger than you. You might benefit from counselling if you've never had any - it helps you process all kinds of feelings. Enjoy your future - and have a fantastic holiday!

HowMuchShouldBePaid · 18/10/2024 13:46

You are not happy they have died , you are relieved to be released from the restrictions thier care placed on you.

You ,for many years , amazingly placed all you focus on them ,now it's time for you.

Cosycover · 18/10/2024 14:07

Oh bless you.

They would want you to be happy. Happiness doesn’t erase the love or the grief you feel for them. They would never want you to live trapped in sorrow. They’d want you to smile, to find moments of peace, and to live fully, carrying their memory with you. Grief doesn’t have to mean the end joy. By allowing yourself to feel happiness, you're honouring the life you still have and the love they gave you.

Sandwichgen · 18/10/2024 14:11

They have each other now. They wouldn’t want you to be alone

Chillisintheair · 18/10/2024 14:12

Feeling this is very common with older people, especially with dementia. It sounds like your Grandma really loved you and she would want you to be happy.

CreationNat1on · 18/10/2024 14:13

They would want you to be happy x embrace it.

Devastated999 · 18/10/2024 14:19

From the outside I say to you that they’d want you to be happy. But I am also feeling the same guilt in being happy during my greif so do empathise with you. It’s a heart/head situation. Time may help, but ultimately you deserve happiness.

northernsouldownsouth · 18/10/2024 14:19

It's relief .... and it's definitely ok to feel that when someone close to you has passed, especially when you were a carer
It's a very common emotion in such circumstances
A bit of grief counselling might help

Don't feel guilty about enjoying yourself and living life to the fullest

LifeExperience · 18/10/2024 14:27

In the fullness of time we all lose people who are important to us, but life goes on. Grieving is a natural process and once through the process there is still joy on the other side, because that is how humans are made. Because your grandmother was ill for a long time you completed much of the grieving while she was alive as you slowly lost her. You are through the process and now ready to move on in life. There is no reason to feel guilty. Your mum and grandma would want you to be happy.

DiscoinFrisco · 18/10/2024 14:29

I understand those thoughts and feelings as i had similar. Counselling helped a lot.
You sound like you are a wonderful daughter and granddaughter. You absolutely deserve happiness and joy.
Your Mum and Grandma would want you to be happy and would be so pleased to see your life now.
You should be proud of the caring you did but this is the next phase, about you.
Look after yourself x

BettyBardMacDonald · 18/10/2024 14:30

Don't waste a minute feeling guilty. They would be sorry to hear that and very thrilled that you are happy with your new partnership.

DowntonCrabby · 18/10/2024 14:33

Please get some counselling and support so you can really embrace the next stage of your life with excitement and without guilt.
You deserve so so much happiness, you did a beautiful, selfless thing for so long and your Mum and Gran would be immensely proud of you. Flowers

Comedycook · 18/10/2024 14:35

You sound like such a kind person op.... looking after your grandma for so long and whilst you were so young was an incredibly selfless thing to do. I'm sure you loved her very much and vice versa... however you must have missed out on a lot in all honesty. You absolutely deserve to now be able to spread your wings and enjoy your life. Your mum and grandma would definitely want you to be happy.

CalicoPusscat · 18/10/2024 14:36

They loved you and would be proud of your happiness

Ambienteamber · 18/10/2024 14:38

It's so natural to feel as you do. You loved your gran very much but that doesn't mean looking after her was easy. And it's normal to feel relief and freedom after her passing. It doesn't mean you didn't love her or that you are a bad person.
Think about it this way.. she loved you too abd she would want you to be happy. She wouldn't want you crying in bed would she? And she wouldn't want you to feel guilty

LeavesTrees · 18/10/2024 14:44

It depends how you feel about what happens after death, but in your shoes I think I would reframe it. You met your partner so soon after your Grans death that maybe she sent that person to you because she wanted you to be happy. I have a belief in things like that, but I fully understand if you don’t, that it’s going to sound cheesy.
Either way it’s ok to be happy, you are in a different chapter of your life now, a good one. Life goes on and we have to move forwards. It’s also ok to see the negatives of the past as well as the positives. It doesn’t change your love for them, it’s just also recognising that they were also difficult times. You deserve to be happy now after dedicating a big chunk of your life to caring responsibilities.

Apollo365 · 18/10/2024 14:46

Ah OP. They sound amazing and they would want you to be happy ❤️

duckydoo234 · 18/10/2024 14:48

You sound like an amazing person, and your mum and gran would be over the moon to know that you can find the happiness you deserve. Genuinely delighted for you x

Flyhigher · 18/10/2024 15:03

No it makes no sense. But I do understand.

You have been institutionalised into being a carer.
From a young age and now you don't know how to be.

Just be happy! Enjoy. Laugh. Xx

SquirrelSoShiny · 18/10/2024 15:07

You've had some lovely replies so I'm really just posting to say - you deserve to be happy.

Savingthehedgehogs · 18/10/2024 15:28

If you were my dd or gd I would want more than anything for you to be loved, to feel content and safe. I hope for your outcome with my own dds! Embrace life now, don’t wait for tomorrow to do something you can do today. Give yourself permission to make every day matter and enjoy the new love in your life.
it sounds like you have got used to a very hard and challenging life, but contentment and happiness is normal for most (not all) people at different stages of life.

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