Do you shout at your partner?

[Namechangedjustfortoday]

My DH shouts at me. Not often. But from time to time.

He says shouting is normal. Particularly if having a disagreement, to express emotion. And it’s fine in front of the kids.

I totally disagree. I find shouting aggressive, counter productive and totally immature. He says I come from a repressed background.

Same with name calling. DH insists that calling me “pathetic”, for example, isn’t name calling.

I dont know. What is normal???

We neither shout nor argue. People who say that it's normal or healthy are normalising aggression.

@CurlewKate and the ones who don't believe there are couples who don't argue and think we're lying, and there must be 'simmering resentment and sulking' 😆. Like, nope!

Now and again yes.

This is so interesting. I suspect behind closed doors many couples are different to each other, in comparison to how they are in public.

My DH has previous form for taking things too far and letting his anger take over. He grew up in a very shouty and aggressive / male dominated family so his ‘normal’ is very different from mine. If he ever shouts, I just find it totally intolerable!

Ermmm, raised voices mostly. It's rare there's an actual shout but it does happen at his and my most annoying.

Doesn't matter if it's normal or not. If you don't like it, then he has to stop. At the very least, one of you has to compromise and it makes more sense that it's him as shouting can make the other party very uncomfortable.

My dh argues constantly with Ds. Ds almost entirely causes the arguments and often intentionally provokes Dh. I'm so sick of asking Dh to not rise to it, he sometimes shouts in anger but sometimes absolutely loses the plot and has a tantrum. When I intervene I get shouted at to butt out. DH is now going to therapy for this but had a tantrum again a few days ago the first in months. I feel so upset like all progress from the last few months has been lost.

The thing that's the biggest issue is my reaction. DH and Ds bounce back and can be chatting again but I can't move on. 5 days later and I still have a knot in my stomach. I can't even be around if they are watching a match now as they shout at the TV. I really don't know what to do anymore. DH always makes a big drama of apologising but that doesn't change my physical reaction and it's consequences. Even if I want to get over it I can't. Dh thinks I have a problem with oversensitivity and that my reaction doesn't equal his action. It's really damaging our marriage. I honestly don't know what to do about it anymore.

@Namechangedjustfortoday have you had any insights since posting?

Shouting? As in actual shouting? Or just voices raised in frustration?

Raised voices - yes, probably a handful of times a year. We don't really argue much. We're more "how do we tackle this situation together" types. And we've both come from dysfunctional families so we've worked very, very hard over the decades on communication. We are both generally very good at delivering and receiving constructive criticism from each other, although we're all human and sometimes on a bad day emotions get the better of us.

But shouting? Absolutely not. I remember being roared at by my father as a child and it was terrifying and heartbreaking because I understood that he wanted to terrify me. That he was doing it to dominate and overpower me. I would never in a million years accept that from a partner.

Nope. Outdoor voices are for football pitches, playgrounds, when you are in danger etc. Not for communicating with your spouse in an indoor setting.

No, over 20 years married, we don’t call each other names or bicker either. We just get along easily.

Everyone has different things they are prepared to tolerate in a relationship.

After an abusive relationship with my ex, I would never be with somebody who shouted at me.

@Beezknees at what point would you end a relationship over this? Do you think a very occasional outburst is a deal breaker or would it have to be a regular thing.

25 years in and we've never shouted at or called each other names. We have disagreements but they are always respectful.

No, neither of us shout. I grew up with very volatile parents who shouted abuse at each other and then had prolonged periods of 'silent treatment'. It was horrendous and I made it very clear that it wasn't something I would tolerate in my marriage.