Do you shout at your partner?

[Namechangedjustfortoday]

My DH shouts at me. Not often. But from time to time.

He says shouting is normal. Particularly if having a disagreement, to express emotion. And it’s fine in front of the kids.

I totally disagree. I find shouting aggressive, counter productive and totally immature. He says I come from a repressed background.

Same with name calling. DH insists that calling me “pathetic”, for example, isn’t name calling.

I dont know. What is normal???

@Namechangedjustfortoday Yelling is a sign of aggression it's also an attempt to dominate and control.

I think shouting is a form of violence so no, we don't shout at each other. A raised voice is a signal we need to take a break or do things differently.

Nope. Even when we row we only do it in cross voices not shouting.

Some couples shout more and that’s fine if both people take it in the same spirit. I don’t think that’s your situation though op. He’s shouting at you and calling you pathetic. You’re upset. Sounds like he’s a nasty bully to me.

No. We argue and fight - of course we do - but we manage it without shouting or name calling. We are both adults who love and respect one another, and who are capable of being angry without needing to be violent.

I used to, when we were first married. I'd get really frustrated and was unable to explain how I was feeling.

But he never ever shouted and also would refuse to engage with me until I calmed down.

So I learned how to communicate more maturely and now I don't ever shout.

Shouting is a barrier to communication. It's not helpful at all.

You ask what's normal. Doing something you know hurts your partner is not

That interesting, OP, that you're asking what is normal, but your not so DH is assuming his way is right and yours is wrong. I would say that is more concerning than the shouting (and shouting is not good unless it suits both people as their agreed communication style).

Yeah he's just shouted at me this morning because I wasn't listening while he went on and on about himself

No, I don't think shouting is acceptable at all. I wouldn't tolerate it from a partner or do it myself. I sometimes raise my voice when I feel particularly frustrated, but never to the point of shouting. Even that is inappropriate and I'll always apologise for that specifically even if I feel the point I was making was justified. I also don't think name calling or swearing at people is tolerable. Calling someone "pathetic" is definitely name calling.

Basically, even when I disagree with someone I don't think it's appropriate to intimidate them, try and silence them or deliberately hurt their feelings. If I'm truly angry or upset, I don't necessarily care if someone is hurt by the point I'm making or my perspective, but the delivery of it and intention behind that delivery it is important. That goes for any relationship, or even strangers. It shows a fundamentally different outlook on how you should treat people, so I'd never stay with someone who did any of those things.

No we absolutely don't. Both of us willow in silence then sit down for a talk but we never shout
I have heard my dp shout about things, he has a roar on him. I would be petrified if that was ever aimed at me. He would never

(I was in a prev dv relationship so it makes sense that I'm frightened of shouting)

We've never even disagreed, never mind shouted at each other.

In most of my previous relationships there has been shouting and/or name calling. The lack of drama and anger with DP is bliss.

My DD doesn't seem to understand what arguing is as she's never heard it. When me and DP discuss something on the news that we're annoyed by she'll tell us to be nice to each other even though we're just chatting 😄

I want my kids to grow up knowing no family drama, knowing their parents love each other and witnessing no fighting as my mum caused so many problems when I was growing up. My dad left eventually and mum was even worse after that. Shouting and throwing things was just the norm for her 😞

Well, I shouted when DH was driving but distracted and about to cause an accident.

He was driving without noticing that a WPC was standing in the road, their hand up in the position to indicate 'stop'

To prevent an accident seems an ok reason to shout. What is the situation when he considers it 'normal' to shout?

Same, 40 years together and last 35 no shouting of name calling, can’t imagine it tbh!

first 5 I could be shouty at times, suffered with very bad PMT, these days I think we’d both be in shock if we raised our voices or name called, not normal in this house.

No. If you've already made it clear to him you hate it, and he still insists on doing it with no sign of stopping, then that's a lack of respect.

Not name calling never. I think raising your voice out of frustration occasionally is normal like 'ugh were running late now!' or even 'That's pathetic' but saying you're pathetic isn't OK.

No we don't, my husband has never raised his voice, just not his nature. I grew up with a shouty mum and looking back it stressed me out and made me keep allt from her for fear or a loud reaction, and now I have my own son when we visit and she raises her voice in temper (fr things which are small like not having time for another coffee in the morning) I have to tell her not to shout in front of my toddler. Shouting stresses people and there's no need for raised voices, either both end up with raised voices and noone listens or one person is the shouter and the other invariably the stressed or cowed party.

Sometimes, but not very often. I am very ashamed to say I shouted at my DH in the street a couple of weeks ago. We were having difficulty finding parking. I am not well and can't walk very far, plus I had a very painful infected toe which made it even more difficult. Instead of looking for a parking space where I suggested he decided to park at the bottom of quite a steep hill. I suggested another place several times but he didn't want to look there as it meant going round the block yet again. Then when I was struggling to walk up the hill he wanted to know what was wrong. I lost it and ended up shouting at him. He knows I can't walk far, he knew I had a sore toe - what on earth did he think was wrong! Anyway I went back to the car and told him to go off on his own. He ended up coming back with me and finding an easier parking spot, for me, that was in the exact place that I had suggested.

I felt awful though and did apologise for being horrible. He was thoughtless, but not on purpose.

We snap a bit and have a shouty session maybe once or twice a year. No name calling.

I grew up in a shouty environment so started off shouty but my husband doesn't like it so I've pretty much stopped. It's so much nicer not being yelled at, it's put me right off my mother who screams all the time. You don't realised while you're in it.

We have been together over 25 years, and no, we don’t shout. My parents never argued, so I find shouting and arguing just awful and upsetting. My husband’s parents rowed and bickered a lot, and he hated it as a child, and doesn’t want our children to experience that. I yelled at the children once when they were small, and I was exhausted and frustrated. I still feel bad about it now.

Now we have been together years and HRT has sorted out my PMS maybe about 3 times a year if that. I personally prefer that than repressed resentment, sulking or seething. Get it out, calm down, make a joke and be friends again.

For me the test is “Am I prepared for other people to know the truth?”
So if he tells you it’s normal/everyone does this etc. then he wouldn’t have a problem with you saying in conversation to friends and family (with him there) that this is his standard. If however, he expects you to keep his actual behaviour a secret and to pretend that he behaves differently then he knows perfectly well that his behaviour is unacceptable and shameful, but he wants to do it anyway, plus he wants you to shut the fuck up about it.

Very occasionally we might yell but we never name call, it's nasty and counter productive.

No I don't shout and he wouldn't dare shout at me either we can have a disagreement without raising our voices , also would never allowed it in front of DD

We have never shouted, not once in 12 years, and I would absolutely not tolerate it.

Nope. I don't find angry, aggressive males attractive so wouldn't have got past date number 1 with one. Me and my husband don't argue, there's nothing we fundamentally disagree on and I don't enjoy arguing, so I don't engage in it.
Having had my mother's various shit marriages inflicted on me as a child I have zero tolerance for any poor behaviour towards me.