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Original poster

Ever since DH went for a private lap dance I can't stop feeling ugly & disgusted by my body

87 replies

Cheesseandchess · 17/10/2024 08:12

It happened over a year ago. He told me he had been. I was beyond upset. This is not a post about the rights/wrongs of lap dancing clubs. He went. I can't change that fact. This is about how I have been left to feel ugly and disgusted over my body, because of it. I already had huge insecurities and possibly some form of body dismorphia over the way I looked. I thought I had got over the lap dance and how it has left me feeling ... but I haven't.
Unless I become a size 8 goddess over night, I will never get over how I have been left to feel
I feel he deserves someone better looking than me, slimmer than me, not as boring as me. How can he possibly want me after having a stunner in his face.

OP posts:
VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 17/10/2024 08:43

This has absolutely nothing to do with your looks, age or your body. You could have been 22 and looked like Zendaya, and he'd still have gone for that lapdance.

Ohthatsabitshit · 17/10/2024 08:43

Most women would give him a hard swerve. The problem isn’t and could never have been with you. He did this.

CheekySwan · 17/10/2024 08:47

Cheesseandchess · 17/10/2024 08:35

He might as well have slept with someone else, that's on the same level as far as I'm concerned. He was my absolute world. I feel like a disgusting piece of crap that should just be thrown to the side. I can't compete with what he saw/had. He won't discuss it what so ever. He is clear on that. It was over a year ago, I'm not going to keep bringing it up. I feel like i will never get over how I now perceive myself/ have been left to feel

You need to make him talk to you about it and you need to make him understand how it is making you feel, does he seem to understand the effect this is having on you and he dismisses it? You have been married 25 years, he owes you to discuss it

DustyAmuseAlien · 17/10/2024 08:50

The reason for your lack of self-esteem is because you have stayed with this nasty slimy misogynistic arsehole instead of dumping the bastard. The only way to reconcile that in your head is to decide you must be worth less. You are not. He is. You are brilliant.

The poor girl who was used by him for his gratification is a victim here as well as you. Who knows what her story is - probably raised with poor access to education and mired in such sexism that she thought her physical body was the most valuable thing she had, having to earn her keep gyrating for creepy old men. Her life is hardly something to envy.

A woman is only "better" than a another due to being skinnier and more supple if our personalities, minds and talents are meaningless. Do you believe that? Your value is only dependent on a man's choices about you if women are supposed to be subservient to men and a woman not chosen has a pointless existence. Do you believe that?

You don't need to change your body. You need to get the bastard out of your life.

Bikechic · 17/10/2024 08:57

There are two sperate issues here.

  1. Him. He has been a sleezebag and also refuses to engage with you about sex or discuss anything. This is a problem with him, not you.
  2. Your self image. I believe this can be developed and worked on, but he is unlikely to help you. He is also not going to stop you finding your own sexy. It's not about size or youth, but confidence and a love of your body. What activities could you do that will help you enjoy and appreciate your own body? It could be yoga, zumba, pole dancing, swimming. Even getting some clothes that fit well and make you feel better about yourself. Do it for you, not him.
Ikilledtheorchidagain · 17/10/2024 08:57

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 17/10/2024 08:43

This has absolutely nothing to do with your looks, age or your body. You could have been 22 and looked like Zendaya, and he'd still have gone for that lapdance.

Yes^^
You must feel broken.
It's 100% a him not you problem.

How would you feel if you left him? As in, can you see how life might feel not having someone make you feel like shit.

SlightUnivallateHillfort · 17/10/2024 09:09

You need to find your anger and direct it at him, rather than yourself. A man who would do this is utterly worthless, but it is no reflection on your worth at all. Your worth doesn’t change because of something someone else does; only theirs. You have to reframe it appropriately. He doesn’t deserve someone ‘better’ than you! He deserves a kick up the arse in the direction of the front door. A man willing to jeopardise your life together for the sake of a cheap thrill is not someone whom you should care about. How dare he do this?

TheRestIsEntertainment · 17/10/2024 09:19

Cheesseandchess · 17/10/2024 08:39

@melania90 we have 25 years married, 3 DC, a life times of history doing amazing things and memories. we travelled the world together.

And that's wonderful. Package up that parcel of your life for what it was. Mark it as 25 wonderful years and 3 wonderful children. That section of your life is what it is, but it is also over now due to his actions.

You cannot spend the next 25 years of your life feeling the way you do because of what he has done. Just accept that and think about how YOU want to spend the next 25 years. Begin to make that happen. Easier said than done but you deserve happiness not this horrible life you're currently in.

Fabrador · 17/10/2024 09:23

As long as you are with this man you will
never heal from this. You need to leave him for your own sake and make a life for yourself without him as the centre. Believe me I’ve been through something like this before. It’s hard yes but you will heal.

Deathraystare · 17/10/2024 11:03

He deserves better????!!!!!

The fucker deserves to be dragged around town by his bits is what that fucker deserves!!!!

You on the other hand, deserve a proper man that respects you. Get rid of.

DaisyChain505 · 17/10/2024 11:13

You need to get some counselling together and as a couple ASAP.

This isn’t going to go away and will eventually destroy you and your marriage.

You can get through this and have a happier and healthier life and relationship but you have to actually do something about it.

AnnaMagnani · 17/10/2024 11:17

What @DaisyChain505 said.

Both of you sound like you have difficulty with sex and confidence

Him: can't talk about intimacy with his wife of many years, finds sex embarrassing but goes to lap dances

You: react to the above by hating your own body

Both of you need some help in communicating honestly to each other.

Stripperyone · 17/10/2024 11:20

As a very experienced stripper veteran, I can assure you that I have never been a 'size 8 goddess' and you get some BIG women in those clubs, and generally women of all shapes and sizes. Of course you also get your stunners-but it may be that the dance he had was not from one of them.
I would be looking at my worth, and giving my body the best fuel and exercise, and respect! That I could, if I were you.

Disturbia81 · 17/10/2024 11:21

Wolfpa · 17/10/2024 08:13

This is about you not him. What help are you getting to help with your image?

I am so pleased to read all the comments except this first one have been unanimous. Do NOT pay attention to this one, this is not about your self image.. HE is making you feel insecure when he should make you feel like the only one in his eyes. The fact that he doesn't want you sexually yet does this is even worse. Sounds like Madonna/whore complex

Disturbia81 · 17/10/2024 11:22

This reply has been deleted

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SmellyScrambler · 17/10/2024 11:24

This sounds like internalised anger- instead of letting yourself feel and act on your anger at him, you have turned it against yourself. Blaming your body is a way to let him off the hook and so avoid rocking the boat of your marriage. But maybe it’s better to rock the boat.

LondonPapa · 17/10/2024 11:33

TheaBrandt · 17/10/2024 08:20

Go on a date with a young hot man and snog him.

What on earth do you think happens on a private dance? As far as I’m aware, no touching still applies so no snogs or anything else!

JFDIYOLO · 17/10/2024 11:37

You need help to build your self esteem, your own sense of self worth.

You're blaming and berating yourself and your perfectly normal appearance for a creepy, sleazy, shitty decision your H deliberately made.

For an act that that shows he thinks deep down that women are to be bought and sold.

It's not you. It's him.

Your anger needs redirecting towards him, not yourself.

LePetitMaman · 17/10/2024 11:43

Cheesseandchess · 17/10/2024 08:28

I fear this will destroy me.. the way I've been left to feel. The thoughts and images I have in my head of what he did. What he saw. I can't give him that. He clearly wants a gorgeous sexy younger woman. He never ever talks about sex at home. He is far too embarrassed, even I mention periods he is embarrassed. Always has been. He never wants me to put on sexy undies, never has done.

Sorry?

He has one lap dance so he clearly wants a "gorgeous sexy younger woman."??

This is about you and your insecurities. No, he didn't do a great thing, but the hugely significant thing here is that you aren't particularly bothered by the moral/relationship aspect which is what 99% of PP responses are about. You are entirely consumed by "she was a stunner, I'm not... She was thin, I'm not... He wants a pretty thin stunner... I'm not."

Kindly, this is nothing to do with a lap dance. Because all the aspects of it being a lap dance (naked woman, money paid, drinking, morals) are totally irrelevant to what you've got issues over.

If you saw he'd been googling Taylor Swift, would you be obsessing that he didn't want you, he clearly wants a young gorgeous sexy stunner? What about the fact that she has a partner and the dancer probably has too? So there was no connection, no actual personal spark. Just looking.

I openly drool over Gerard Butler. But make no mistake I love my husband. Doesn't mean I can't ever think anyone else is physically attractive. I know DH has a right soft spot for Gal Gadot. So what? Clearly he wants her? I'm not Gal Gadot so he can't want me? What if he met her? What if they had a photo together? What if she sat on his lap. He obviously wants her, I don't look like her.

Do you see how that sounds? You need to do some real work on yourself.

Disturbia81 · 17/10/2024 11:47

This reply has been deleted

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Leopardprintlover101 · 17/10/2024 11:59

He hasn’t gotten a lap dance because you are in any way lacking, he has gotten a lap dance because he is lacking…in RESPECT for you.

Zilla1 · 17/10/2024 11:59

I would try and discuss the nature of your feelings with your doctor or another HCP in whom you would feel comfortable confiding. Be truthful and though it might take a few attempts and there may be a long delay, I think you may benefit from some form of talking therapy, based on how you've expressed your feelings. I'm not saying you are at fault rather than your 'D'H but the way you've said how you feel leads me to think that irrespective of how you handle him, you would benefit from eventually getting some external support.

Good luck.

yeaitsmeagain · 17/10/2024 12:01

It's really not a big deal and the fact it's affecting you so much after a whole year is concerning. Are you having therapy? If not, you should look into it.

Leopardprintlover101 · 17/10/2024 12:01

Cheesseandchess · 17/10/2024 08:28

I fear this will destroy me.. the way I've been left to feel. The thoughts and images I have in my head of what he did. What he saw. I can't give him that. He clearly wants a gorgeous sexy younger woman. He never ever talks about sex at home. He is far too embarrassed, even I mention periods he is embarrassed. Always has been. He never wants me to put on sexy undies, never has done.

He sounds like he has a Madonna/whore complex

Iwishiknewtheanswers · 17/10/2024 12:14

Cheesseandchess · 17/10/2024 08:28

I fear this will destroy me.. the way I've been left to feel. The thoughts and images I have in my head of what he did. What he saw. I can't give him that. He clearly wants a gorgeous sexy younger woman. He never ever talks about sex at home. He is far too embarrassed, even I mention periods he is embarrassed. Always has been. He never wants me to put on sexy undies, never has done.

It does destroy you. Since I was 23 and my DH did something that made me feel ugly and disgusting and already too old for him I have eaten myself alive from the inside.

I have punished and hated my body almost every single day of my life since for being too old, too fat, to motherly, not a teenager, not pert and new enough.

I’ve had DECADES of therapy and I’ve never ever overcome it.

I now have an eating disorder, I became an alcoholic, I did revenge acts but that just made me feel like a shit person because that’s not who I ever wanted to be. I just wanted to feel I am not disgusting, that I have value, that someone would look at me as I am and chose me and make me feel like I’m not some used up old bag or some compromise they tolerate for the kids sakes when they’d much prefer to be mauling fresh young flesh.

As my username says I wish I had the answers.

I don’t. I think it would be better if I’d left tbh. Because everytime he looks at me I see what he did, what he chose and what he sexually wanted and it wasn’t anything I can ever be, no matter how much I starve myself, compulsively exercise or dress nicely so at least the outer packaging looks nice.

I’ve wasted my fucking life in deep pervasive self loathing because I stayed with a man who letched over ‘perfect bodies’ (and at times actively chased them)

I hope you find the answers. I never did.