Not coping with providing childcare

[fatiguesbroken]

Been providing childcare after school for my sister. Two nephews, ages 7 and 9.

I'm not coping. They won't listen to a word I say, have spilled multiple drinks tonight, including my coffee all over my cream sofa. Left all of their tea then came back ten minutes later to tell me they were starving. Made them toast which they've left.

Just realised one of the drinks has gone all over my work laptop so the trackpad is no longer working. They did that while I'd gone into the kitchen to have moment - the youngest was bouncing on my sofa and fell onto the desk. My fault for leaving the coffee I know but I never expected him to jump on the sofa!

I have another two hours of them and I genuinely feel on the verge of a panic attack. No safe space for them to play outside and I don't drive so can't even take them to soft play or whatever. I'm unfortunately the only one who can provide after school care - no after school clubs and no availability in local childcare!

You are doing a good thing to support your sister.
and I think if you can try to get it working it will be so appreciated I’m sure.

clearly the boys are a bit wild.
have you looked after them lots?
when kids come out of school they often have lots of energy, but are also tired, so behaviour can be crap .
are you collecting form school?
have you also got kids?
can you go home via the park?
bring a carb:protein snack peanut butter sandwich or cheese etc.

what activity have you got for them to do when they come over?
if they could be actually doing something rather than left to their own devices.
Lego?
can you sit down and do some building together?
work on something together?
chat with them whilst they do it.

mid also suggest colouring and drawing, but you might want avoid pens etc until you know they are trustworthy and calm.

To add, do they have homework or reading to do? You could do park immediately after collection, they run around, play football or whatever, then quieter time at home, read school book, followed by dinner and screen time.

That's a great tip @Skyrainlight!
OP you sound like such a good sister helping like that. I would be very firm with them. They seem to be a handful. I can't add to the already great ideas but nod in agreement.

I've looked after them loads from them being babies. No kids of my own. They're usually much better behaved so I don't know what got into them tonight.

Unfortunately there's no parks within walking distance of the school or my flat. It's also not really safe for them to play outside now it's getting dark nights because they'd have to play on the road in the grove.

Wasn't so bad when I had a car and we could go more places but tonight they really got to me!

You’re a saint. And you do this without getting paid either? If I were you I’d have a serious word with your sister - she has to get her kids to behave or you can’t do this anymore. She can also pay for your sofa to be cleaned I think.
It’s not your responsibility that your sister had children with a total waster. The fact that he left her is a consequence she has to deal with and part of that is sourcing and paying for childcare or at the very least telling her kids to behave or else.
My sis in law is a bit like this - she honestly chose the worst person in the world to procreate with and now it’s everyone else’s problem to pick up the pieces from even though everyone told her she’d be insane to get pregnant.

They probably just need clear and consistent boundaries. Raise your expectations of them and let them know what they are.

Food and drinks in the kitchen only.

If they leave their tea and are still hungry, as long as you are happy that the food is something they find palatable they can just have more of their tea. If you're not sure, they could have something like carrot sticks or fruit.

They need to help with making tea, setting the table and clearing away, tidying up toys, etc.

Look for the good things they do and recognise them so they get attention from acceptable behaviour.

Use natural consequences wherever possible.

Show them that you like them but you sometimes don't like their behaviour. Use language like "Yes you can do x as soon as we have finished clearing up." If they don't help clear up, x doesn't happen. Be really consistent with this.

If you don't have a routine, try to build one, e.g:

They get in from school, wash hands and have a snack at the table while you sit with them taking in interest in their day.

Then they do homework if they have it or watch a bit of tv.

The TV goes off and they help make tea.

You sit together to eat and they help clear away.

They then get to go on the x-box until your sister collects them.

Smae routine every day then everyone knows what to expect and they feel contained and secure.

When they're in your house they abide by your rules. Set them some boundaries from the get go next time and be firm.

If it's a new thing they are probably as upset as you are. Perhaps you can work together to come up with house rules (eg where to put drinks). If they spill something they should clear it up. With food ask them and dsis what they like. Normally sausages. Is there any where nearby they can kick a ball round? Boys often have lots of energy so might be good to take them to the park.

Are you allowed to discipline them? In my family / community it is totally acceptable to reprimand other people’s children, so I wouldn’t think twice before telling my nephews to behave, and discipline accordingly. They are old enough to understand that they need to behave respectfully, although this needs full support from their mum for them to take it seriously. I also appreciate they’re young kids full of energy, but multiple incidents of spilled drinks and destroyed items are not okay.

Set the kids some very clear ground rules. Say to your sister one more session like that and she will be sorting out her own childcare and paying for it or giving up work. They are your sister's brats. If she has decided not to bring them up respecting other people and their things, then she has 100% got herself to the point where she can't work because she has to look after them.

How much is she paying you. Tell her she needs to pay for their damage. She'll have to get a childminder for them if she can't find an after school club.

How long are you planning on not working and providing a free childcare service for your sister?

I hope she’ll be paying you a pension when you’re both retired and she has one but you don’t.

Another vote for having them at your sisters house
At least then if they're a nightmare you can just say goodbye when your sister gets back from work and go home and relax in your lovely clean house.

They are probably feeling a bit stressed. The father situation may be exacerbating that aspect ...they are worried about all sorts.

Mine liked listening to music (musicals mostly ) on Cd at that age. Singing and even dancing is a good way to self regulate.

I have two sons and a daughter and we certainly watched a bit of tv after school together at that age. Sitting down together was calming.

Could you walk the long way home to get some more exercise in before you get home.? Or catch bus at a further bus stop. The fidget factor will be linked to lack of exercise but also disregulation.

Visiting children are always a bit nightmarish I found. Once they get used to the arrangement after school they might relax into it being a "home" situation rather than visitors.

You will be a wonderful aunty and there will be fun things about this new set up once you get into a routine

Don't tell them off, win their confidence in you

A childminder would have house rules, and you're entitled to make them too.

I'd have strong words with them about the damage they've done today, and also tell your sister.

The rules from now on are that they only drink in the kitchen, and that they eat the food provided or they eat nothing. This will only get worse if they get away with this crap.

Another vote for having them at your sisters house

Damage apart, I find it a lot harder to look after the grandkids in their own house. I'm more comfortable in mine and in control of my environment.
And I imagine that the nephews' behaviour would be worse for OP in their home, as they're on their own turf and would resent her having rules for their own house.

If you're going to have them back again, you're going to have to childproof your home and make your rules clear.
Firstly, drinks and electronics do not belong in the same room.
Water only in other rooms unless they are actually sitting at the table.
No electronics/ screens till they have had a snack/ done homework/ reading etc.
You could have a few fun games ready for when they come in to play with them- stuff like Jenga or Kerplunk.
If you don't have transport, you could go straight from school to park/ woods, thus minimising time inside. Go by bus or walk, but don't sit indoors with them for the whole time. You could take a drink and a snack with you.
Maybe you could try having the boys at your sisters home, which might be better set up for them.
I can see you really want to help, and if you are going to do that, then you have to prepare in advance. It really is very nice of you to do this. I hope your sister appreciates you.

I do work.

Im child free by choice and it always makes my teeth itch when i see women without kids being bullied or emotionally blackmailed (which amounts to the same thing) into looking after other peoples badly behaved kids.

No way would i be doing this

Don't tell them off, win their confidence in you

Jesus fucking wept No wonder there are so many problems today

Easy, you put strict rules in place, they are children they do as they are told and respect your home.

Drinks are drank in the kitchen or at the table. Nothing but water, if they want juice or pop they earn it with good behaviour. They don’t eat their tea, leave it on the table for an hour, if they come back saying they are hungry, point them to the table to finish their tea. If they refuse or push it a plain slice of bread a little later, but again eaten at the table. Desert is served after they have eaten enough. Make it mess free desert they can have at the table.

Any feet on the furniture they get told off, sofas are for sitting on not climbing on, no Xbox if they don’t follow the rules.

After school they get a small snack at the table then, 20 min of reading, drawing, practise spellings before they are allowed any tv or devices.

They are 7 & 9 they should know how to behave.

Just say no
its causing you stress and disruption
Ive said no to similar
You have to put yourself first
I did for my kids

Tough one

You pick them up from school? Maybe let them play in the school yard afterwards for a bit?? Burn off energy?

Also - get tough. Read them the bloody riot act. You behave with me, point final.

Give them a snack that takes a long time eto eat when they are back at yours. Grapes etc

TiramisuThief ·

Then you need to be very clear with DSis that they get one more chance to behave or you won't be taking them again.

Yes and she gets to read them the riot act.

Those saying they should be looked after in their own home - yes. It would certainly stop the damage to the op's place!

You sound like a great sister. I think be honest with her about their behaviour and say from now on you’ll look after them in their own home. Would make more sense as their toys and stuff are there and you can feel a bit more relaxed about spills and damage.

Sounds like they may be reacting to their dad leaving and probably seeing their mum under stress. Unacceptable behaviour though and they need firm boundaries so I think it’s fine to say you won’t have them in your flat whilst they behave like this.