What did you do with a small baby that made all the difference?

[SarahAndQuack]

I would love your wisdom. I was thinking especially about things that saved your sanity/helped you feel as if you had some kind of adult social life (ha!), etc. But anything really.

I have a 7 year old who's my (female) ex partner's biological daughter; I was at home with her until she was 5 months old and then I went back to work part-time and she was with me 3.5 days in the week, so I have done the baby stage before. But I am now TTC and if I do get pregnant I'm not planning to go back properly for the first year, and I'll be a single parent, so it'll be quite different. Last time I had loads of adult contact (at work!) and felt like I missed out on time with other mums/just doing baby stuff. I'd love to know what you think helped you.

TIA!

You may already know this but the thing which I wish I had known with my first, but which I only discovered with my second is when you’re putting them down asleep put your hands on either side of their head (so skin to skin) for a few minutes to stop them waking up.

Ooh! No, never heard this - I love that! DD was a really difficult sleeper, so it'd be fascinating to know whether that's the one trick that would have solved everything.
Thank you.

My first was a difficult sleeper too which is why this has stuck in my brain! I think I’ve got a rose tinted image that if I’d known this it would have solved everything!

I think those rose-tinted images are fairly necessary if you go for another one! I am currently remembering all the lovely things about having a small baby, and blanking out all the grim bits. Though, at least, I never have to go through the stage of learning how far a newborn can projectile vomit again. That revelation is seared into my brain.

We got a baby rocker thing and it was great for nap times and putting baby down to get anything done

Ooh, yes, I had one of those and I remember it just about let me get a shower when she was the age when you can't - I'd put it on the bathroom floor.

Thanks!

Finding a really good sling. Worth doing the research and trying a few. An ill fitting one won’t help. With my second we found a great sling and she was always in there, any grizzles I’d pop her in and would calm her or get her to sleep. And you can still do stuff

£10 bouncing chair off Amazon was a game changer as I could have a shower without worrying (she came into bath with me).

From newborn to about 5 months i used to take DD out in a carrier with just my handbag (packed with change of clothes, couple of nappies, muslin, wipes and a roll up portable changing mat). It was nice to be able to spend a few months without having to worry about step free access, or be burdened down with unnecessary baby clutter. The handbag let me feel slightly out together. I used to get a lot of compliments too 😂

The day I realised that anything can be a toy. Gave DD a wooden spoon, she loved it. The. Came here fascination with water bottles. I'm so glad I didn't buy loads of unnecessary sensory toys etc. you can just find stuff from around the house

Realising that pull up nappies tear down the sides. So much easier to use pull ups when they start wriggling.

Saying 1,2,3 before doing anything eg. Picking up, getting out the bath, out of the pushchair. She just knows that when I get to 3 something will happen and I'm not kidding. (Useful for getting toddlers to do things).

Make sure you have vaseline (for lips and chin) sudocrem (for bum), Calpol, colic drops (you may or may not need them (if you do need them you will be grateful to have them in!), and some saline drops (clear out nose/in case they get something in their eyes).

If DD was constipated I used to sit her in the pushchair and wait for 2 mins. If she was going to poop it would be then.

Bicycle legs for trapped wind. Clockwise around the tummy legs down, knees to the chest and listen for the fart 😅

It's okay if things don't go to plan.

Make sure your sleep space meets lullaby trust guidelines even if you don't plan on co-sleeping because you will probably fall asleep.

My DD always wanted to feed (you can overfeed a breastfed baby despite what people say!) Find your soothing method. For me it was tapping baby on the bum, a little rock whilst singing or shhhhhing. White noise also helped.

Every baby is different though. Just trust your instincts and don't be afraid to ask for help/speak to a midwife/GP, whatever it is.

Co slept. I get so much more sleep this time round!

Giving a dummy. Before kids I thought it was lazy parenting. How wrong I was! It's a lifesaver.

What did you do with a small baby that made all the difference?

With DS2, threw out everything I thought I know about babies from having DS1. Practically none of the parenting strategies we used for DS1 worked on DS2, it was like being a FTM all over again 😧They really are all different!

When they are teeny and you cuddle them on your chest, make sure they have one ear pressed against your chest so they can hear your heart. They recognise the sound from being in the womb and it makes them feel safe.

Recognising that what worked with one baby may not work with another. I agree with trying slings until you find one you’re comfortable with. A sling library can be a good way of avoiding a useless purchase.

I wouldn’t bother doing the NCT again (but am I right in remembering you’re in Dublin?) What saved my sanity was London-based — Naomi Stadlen’s Mothers Talking group, which met in Stoke Newington, and where I met lots of cool, interesting women who were coming at motherhood from lots of different angles. But NS’s book What Mothers Do is also literally the only baby book I ever found useful (not a manual or ‘how to’). I think if I had a Time Machine I would do a lot less. I was dashing about to classes and groups because not working felt very weird. With hindsight, I should have calmed down, stayed at home more and watched old movies rather than walking fourteen miles around Hampstead Heath and writing a novel.

Have just checked, and Mothers Talking is now on Zoom.which won’t be the same.

https://www.naomistadlen.com/mothers-talking/

Me too! I was clueless, never held a baby before DS. I saw soothers on big kids in supermarkets and thought it was just a bad habit thing.

Someone suggested one for my extremely difficult baby and i bought it but i didn't know the plastic cap came off and decided it was too big for his mouth. Sounds so stupid now but i was so extremely sleep deprived and stressed. One day at a health check up a nurse had a spare and popped it into his mouth and his eyes rolled back and he slept. He is teen now and all these years later I'm still angry I went through those weeks of torture.

Accepted the overnight breastfeeding and made time for naps in the day / early evening, plus started eating and drinking tons to keep my energy levels up. Felt so much better in myself.

@SarahAndQuack
This may sound crazy-but I tried to think of myself and the baby at the time as just like any other mammal. So the baby was just doing what kittens or baby monkeys do-feed and cling and seek safety and comfort. And the mother cat or mother monkey just meets their needs as much as they can without thinking about it too much.
A bit hippy dippy I know-but it worked for me. And I am aware that mammals sometimes eat their young. I didn't-although I have to say I was tempted.....🤣

Gave her a dummy when she would not stop crying. We lasted two weeks of non stop crying and in desperation gave up and gave her a dummy. Instant peace.
This did not work at all with baby 2 mind you.

No, I think that’s a good policy, and with hindsight, I wish I’d been more mammalian and thought far less about it during DS’s early life.

If you are going to be living alone with baby I think cosleeping will make the biggest difference. Contrary to popular opinion it is very safe to cosleep provided you follow guidance on how to do so safely (see lullaby trust), and are breastfeeding. For me it was an absolute game changer with baby no 2 Vs baby no 1 to the extent that I look back and really regret being too afraid to co sleep with number 1.

Was coming to say this!

Using a sling and also co sleeping. I struggled for a while not doing either, but as soon as I did life just became monumentally easier and happier. We could get things done and actually sleep!

Music, see if there's anything they calm down to when you play it. DS would only sleep if Classic FM was on. I ended up so bloody bored of the same rotation of music, but now if I hear certain pieces I nearly cry because it's a lovely memory. (I know I could have used Spotify or something but that somehow felt like faff in my newborn haze 🤣)

Cups with lids..for you! I had a thermal one with both kids. Keeps the drinks warm and it's safer than an open top cup.

A Kindle - easier than wrangling a book when you're holding a baby. Pick a good few books way in advance so you don't have to think about it.

Comfy things, especially early on! Big knickers, soft nighties and PJs, a nice blanket, supportive pillows. You want to be comfortable when you're at home. Get a basket and fill it with essentials and keep it beside you: bottle of water, Kindle/book, remote, lip balm, phone charger (a looooong one!), etc.

Have one song that you sing them to sleep with from birth. Because I'd always done it, my little one just associated it strongly with sleep and would nod of as soon as we sang it or played it on our phone.

Accept that rest is not as good as deep sleep but it can be a close second. When I was expecting twins I bought a recliner chair and beside it I had a little box with eye masks, blankets and bottles of water etc. I was feeding 24/7 so if both babies drifted off post feed I was able to lie back and snooze often with 1 on my chest and another on my lap. Sometimes i only got 5 minutes, sometimes an hour.

My best days with a baby involved getting outside for a bit, even a little walk with the pram in the fresh air does you good. Packing/ restocking your baby bag with essentials the night before helps get out the door.

I would focus your energy away from the mums groups if you want to make friends to be honest, IME with a variety of groups people are not very welcoming when they find out you are with another woman (and probably not if you are single either). They seem to want very conventional hetero friends and they definitely don't want you meeting their husbands if you are femme. That's aside from the general craziness of those groups and the competiveness around milestones etc.
Do you have or can you make friends who would come to your house in the evening and hang out? As you still have nearly a year minimum, if you can join anything like a book group, writers circle, board games players etc. and sift out the people you would avoid having in your house, inviting people around in the evening and setting up the house if possible so the baby is away from noise is key.
Groups for single mothers sound good (a friend is a single mother by choice and is doing a lot with hers) but they are stuck at home with their kids at night too so aren't best placed to socialise with when you have time.
I was pregnant with my second child only, not with the first. The second was an easier baby and better sleeper but if you are breastfeeding the connection is a bit more brutal than taking care of a baby you weren't pregnant with. Also you are in less good physical shape going into it. However, the learning curve is much much steeper with the first baby and you save so much time knowing how to do things with the second, so you have a lot to look forward to!

My top bits of advice:

• Do whatever you need to do to get through the first twelve weeks, it'll be chaos even with an easy baby
• Do not drive yourself nuts if breastfeeding isn't working out. If it doesn't and is making you and baby upset, for the love of God, go to the bottle. I honestly felt so much more able to bond with my first when we gave up on breastfeeding c9 weeks after much struggle (NB, I did succeed with it with my second, so have been on both 'sides')
• YouTube meditation/relaxation videos are great if you don't know how long baby will nap and you want a rest. Ten minutes can be as good as 40 min nap for a recharge
• Get baby used to sleeping in the pram/whatever you use in different settings, makes life so much easier if they don't have to be in a dark, quiet room (and therefore you in one place) to nap. But caveat some babies just won't do it - if they will though, make the most of it.