What did you do with a small baby that made all the difference?

[SarahAndQuack]

I would love your wisdom. I was thinking especially about things that saved your sanity/helped you feel as if you had some kind of adult social life (ha!), etc. But anything really.

I have a 7 year old who's my (female) ex partner's biological daughter; I was at home with her until she was 5 months old and then I went back to work part-time and she was with me 3.5 days in the week, so I have done the baby stage before. But I am now TTC and if I do get pregnant I'm not planning to go back properly for the first year, and I'll be a single parent, so it'll be quite different. Last time I had loads of adult contact (at work!) and felt like I missed out on time with other mums/just doing baby stuff. I'd love to know what you think helped you.

TIA!

Why would you purposely become a single parent? Does it not matter to you that this child might suffer from not knowing their father?

That's such a good point! With DD, I was pre-surgery (then post, obviously) for an ovarian cyst, and it meant the whole time she was sling-sized, I couldn't use one. My brother and his wife seem to spend their whole lives with a newborn in a sling.

I would highly recommend the Marsupi or a ring sling! The Marsupi was my favourite. So easy to use and so soft. Sling libraries are great though, you can try stuff on and rent them out!

Also, ignore the ignorant poster above. Nonsense. I have a friend who had a baby via sperm donor when she was in her 20s. Her daughter is a bright young woman and never once "suffered" from not having a father.

If you’re struggling to get your baby to latch, “shove” the nipple in while they are crying wide open mouthed. (Shove isn’t the right word but couldn’t think of an elegant way to say it 😂) Mine just couldn’t get it but when I did that she took to breastfeeding really quickly. Wish I knew this with first born who wouldn’t open his mouth to feed either.

If you bottle feed, it is possible to dream feed, I.e put the teat in and feed them while they are asleep. They will still swallow even though they are sleeping. Especially good if you have a sleepy baby who doesn’t wake often enough for feeds.

Get them in the shower with you from an early age. All mine went in at a few months. They all loved water and there was never histrionics about hair washing or swimming lessons because they were used to water going over their faces.

I'm going to try to reply in an organised post rather than quoting massive blocks. Thanks everyone, so much.

@Journeyintomelody - oh, yes, I did the handbag thing with DD! It just made my brain feel more in gear somehow.

And good point that every baby is different - and thanks also @SatinHeart and @Rarebitten. I keep thinking I have to remember everything from when DD was a baby, and actually, if I do manage to have another, it'll be a totally different baby. I guess that cuts both ways - all sorts of things might be easier this time! Live in hope, right?!

@Rarebitten - good memory! I worked in Dublin a couple of years ago. But I'm actually in North Yorkshire. I might do NCT again, just because I am one of the lucky people whose NCT group first time round were actually lovely people (still in touch with most of them). Plus I suspect I missed all sorts of things by virtue of not being the birth mum. I am smiling at your point about Naomi Stadlen (and so jealous you did her group!) as my wonderful Mumsnet friends, whom I've now known for well over a decade (coming up on 15 years for some of them) sent me 'What Mothers Do' when DD was born. I am re-reading it right now!

Your busy life with your newborn sounds amazing but I do take your point! I definitely did too much when DD was a baby - I had to; we ended up in a rather unexpected situation with work and life - but this time round should, in theory, be less frantic out of financial necessity.

@Ghouella, thank you, that is such a useful point! I had been quite tempted by co-sleeping. I know it can be safe if done properly. First time round DP (ex-P) was very anxious and didn't want to, which was probably sensible as she was on medication early on and didn't wake up easily, so it would have been a non-starter then anyway. But I do like the idea.

@CurlewKate, no that doesn't sound crazy at all! (And nice to see you on here!)

@GiddyRobin - ooh, yes, excellent practical solutions! Thank you!

@Rumforme - such a good point; I must keep that in mind. I know how easy it is to slip into 'too hard to do that today' mode.

@LysHastighed - oh dear, yes, I am a bit concerned about this too. I know a friend of mine who was a single mum by choice when our babies were tiny, said this of her NCT group. They were not deliberately nasty, but it was as if they couldn't truly process that she was on her own! That's a really good idea about taking this year to find some other nice groups. Thank you!

@Echobelly - thanks! YY, not fixated on breastfeeding. DD was combi-fed from the start (she was tube fed in hospital, so EBF was out of the window). I would absolutely do that again for preference, and it'll make it easier with this baby's dad (he's in the picture; we're just not together in any sense).

And onto page 2 ...

Co sleep

@sunflowersngunpowdr - I'm not worried about this in the least. My DD doesn't know her biological father, because she has two mothers and a sperm donor, and we never met him. She is completely aware of this and I would absolutely do the same thing again. However, this time around I'm TTC with a friend who would be a wonderful dad (and is already very good with my existing DD), so it's not a concern on my radar at all.

@GiddyRobin - thank you both for the practical rec and the supportive response! Much appreciated!

Don't look at the number on the clock in the middle of the night.

Oh, you made me laugh with that forthright description! Thanks. I remember tickling under DD's chin to get her to latch and swallow, but no shoving involved. And yes, definitely remember dream feeding.

Controversial, but getting them into a routine as early as possible, as in days or weeks old, not months.
I know posters will pile on and tell me I was lucky, but I've had three babies, 14 years apart and with two different men, and all three slept through the night (by that I mean 6.30pm until 7am) by three months old max.

Osteopath for KISS syndrome and switched from breast to formula (reflux). 6 weeks of sheer hell could have so easily been avoided much earlier on.

My first never slept, and screamed the place down every time I tried to put him down. He just never learned to get himself off to sleep. He was four years old the first time he slept through the night.

When I had my second I would feed him, wind him, change him and put him straight down to sleep literally from the day he was born. I took the same approach with my third, and both slept like angels.

I followed the very controversial Gina Ford method to nudge my babies into skewing mostly at night rather than mostly in the day and being awake at night. Worked with all my 3 babies. Dummies yes - babies love to suck, to self-soothe and continual feeding instead has got to have an effect

Anyway they worked well and as I had to also work, I couldn't afford sleepless nights

Sleeping not skewing!

Thanks! I have to admit I only known Gina Ford as a MN boogie monster. I've never actually read her. But I'm sure, like everything, there's sense as well as strong opinions there.

My DD was a real non-sucky baby: she struggled latching on, and dummies were a total non-starter. I remember a consultant when she was tiny trying to get her to suck something, and she was outraged and screamed. But I must remember all babies are different, and I'd happily trade one who sucked on a dummy for one who was (adorable as she was and is) as difficult to feed as DD!

I wasn't a routine-y person at all-but I knew others who were. My worry is that if it works, fantastic, but if it doesn't, it's just something to beat yourself up about. And it means you just can't be sopntaneous. And for me after nearly 20 years of a challenging and very structured career, spontaneity was an utter joy.

Focus everything on getting feeding sorted. All sleep tips (incl Gina) will fail if feeding isn’t working well.

If you want to BF then suggest you get the number of a really good/recommended lactation consultant near you and get them round at first sign of any latch or tongue tie issues (if this is affordable). It sounds like your DC1 may have had tongue tie which makes it more likely your DC2 will.

Put her in a sling and got on with things. Especially with number 2, when number 1 was a toddler and wanted pushed on the swings, to ride a bike, go to museums, up hills etc. Went from front to back as soon as she could hold up her head for prolonged periods.

The best thing I ever did with both was to look at the world through their eyes and expose them to it as much as possible.

They are now teens and I miss those days so much.

Yes, I do take that point! I am not that into routines in my day-to-day life and I do quite like the idea of a bit of gentle pottering. I did enjoy that with DD.

Why do you think DD1 had a tongue tie?! It doesn't seem very likely - she breastfed perfectly fine; she was just tube fed when she was tiny because she was very ill, and then we combi-fed her.

There's no reason it'd affect a second child, either - I love the mistake you're making because it's a totally natural one, but given DD1 is my ex partner's biological child, this child will have totally different biological parents!

That is a lovely post! Thank you, yes, I will enjoy doing that.

I’m quite into movies so baby cinema (regular movies where they let you in with a baby) totally saved my sanity in these early months. Got me a reason to properly get out of the house once a week, some form of entertainment and a glimpse of pre-baby life. Totally recommend.

Accept that babies are babies. People expect them to do things that grown adults don’t - sleep alone, not expect comfort when crying etc. babies are made to be close to you and want to feel your heartbeat and warmth. Enjoy the cuddles as it doesn’t last!

I’d go into the living room and turn the lights on, watch a film etc if the night feeds were going on for too long, it made me feel less alone.