Using a sunflower lanyard on DS

[SpinningTops]

DS is on the waiting list for an autism assessment.
He is difficult to manage when out but he has excellent language and to an outsider would probably look like a naughty child. I stay close to him at all times and try keep a hold of him but he will writhe out of a handhold immediately. He finds it difficult to follow a given instruction, he touches everything and we have meltdowns.

So should I use a sunflower lanyard? I'm fed up of feeling like a rubbish mum who has little control.

My main hesitations are that he doesn't have a diagnosis (but will probably be 2 more years until we reach that point)
And also I wouldn't want to meet people we know as we haven't told friends and feel it's not something we want to share at this point without having seen a professional.

Would most people know what a sunflower lanyard represents?

Maybe not. I thought many would but perhaps that's just because I have relatives with one.

How old is he?

Would he feel uncomfortable if he bumped into friends or family?

Yes you can. I would.

He's 6. He wouldn't know what it meant. I'd probably tell him it's so we can spot him easier (he's walks off at any opportunity)

I think a lot of people do know what the lanyards mean. It might mean you get help in shops etc rather than impatience. I'd do it.

@GrazingLamb if used in places such as shops, cinemas, train stations, theme parks etc then the staff should be trained to know what it means.
@SpinningTops use one if you want to but the important thing to remember is don't give a f whether some random person thinks you're a bad mum - YOU'RE NOT 💐

You should absolutely feel you can if you want to. But there's no real answer to the issue of whether someone you know might see you. I'm afraid you just have to weigh the pros and cons on that one.

I would just say that if he's on the waiting list and has trouble with impulsivity etc, you may not be surprising people.

We find that with a lanyard my son gets a little more space and time. You still need to look like you're trying as a parent, if you know what I mean.

Of course! We do and it’s made a massive difference.

Does he use/need a chew? If so the lanyard could be used to hold that and it will serve two jobs.

I think most people realise.

I didn’t know this is what they mean. But sounds like it could be helpful.

however, is it fair to broadcast his diagnosis like this? People may judge him. It might be something he’d prefer not to share with others as he gets older - especially as it sounds like he’s verbal and fine in mainstream education.

don’t mean to make you feel worse- just playing devils advocate. I have a DS with ADHD and at times I’ve felt awful because of the judgy stares I get. I would’ve considered this when he was 6, however, now he’s 11, he doesn’t like people knowing he has ADHD.

if you live in a small place or tight knit community, you might not want to out him among his peers. Because if parents know, they will definitely say something along the lines of ‘oh little Johnny - the autistic boy - was at the swimming pool today’ to their kids. So he’d have no control of the information at secondary where he may want to fit in and not be different.

i completely understand its a dilemma though, but maybe worth just learning to ignore the judgy stares and remarks?

@Chakkakhan it means "Hidden Disabilities". What did you think it means?

Well they aren’t regulated, you don’t have to have a diagnosis or anything so if you want to, crack on.

my understanding of sunflower lanyards if anyone can choose to wear them if they feel they need more accommodation in public spaces, for any reason.

I just thought it was a patterned lanyard. Or one from a charity that gave them away free. (Like the poppy ones)

@Chakkakhan oh ok. They've been around for years now so I thought most people were fairly aware.

I also have a son on the waiting list for an ASD assessment OP. I would use a sunflower lanyard in a heartbeat if I thought it would help being out and about. People can be absolute dicks towards children showing ASD behaviours and anything that helps deal with that is a good thing.

Most people in my experience ignore them anyway

I would.
Im not sure it will make a huge difference but there is harm in trying.

I've found sunflower lanyards to be unhelpful but I have found those fidget toy bundle lanyards to be extremely helpful and dual purpose.

They have fidget toys for one, but also people see fidget toys, think that child needs sensory input = therefore autistic.

They're quite pricey, like 15 quid a pop, but you get a lot more for your money with them.

@Chakkakhan yes, I think this is one of my reasons for being hesitant. I would do it if far from home / no chance of bumping into people but it does feel like once someone we know sees it then we will have to explain / they will assume and I'm not sure we're ready for that before a diagnosis is received.

But then I feel it would help people understand his behaviour and be more tolerant.

I might get one and use it sparingly when he's struggling / having a hard time.

The only people that are aware are those that are affected by hidden disabilities.
I know what they are, I wear one myself if I’m going somewhere I know I’ll need the loo as it occasionally stops the arguments with other disabled people when I use the disabled loo.
The majority of the general public don’t pay any attention. The good thing about that is of course they aren’t paying any attention to your son or ‘judging’ your parenting anyway.

That's a good shout - he loves a fidget.

He does have ear defenders which I think does a similar thing of making people think twice before judging but he doesn't wear them much and I don't want to encourage a reliance on them if not needed.

I think ear defenders are a much clearer sign than the lanyard to be honest. So if he wears those I think most people know he is struggling.

If he were to behave badly and cause a scene in public I don't think people's reaction would be to look at the lanyard and excuse his behaviour.
They would feel the same way regardless I'd imagine. Just mild annoyance at the noise and disruption and probably sympathy for you trying to calm him down. If I felt I could help in any way I would try, if you seemed receptive, but the lanyard wouldn't make any difference and I doubt I'd even notice it.
By all means get one but I'm sceptical it will make much difference day to day.