Very hurt family haven't come to see new baby

[RevelryMum]

I'm a FTM to a 17 week old and grew up an only child to a single mother as a result I was extremely close to my aunts uncles and cousins growing up . Some of my cousins 2 especially were more like brothers to me. We bought our first house 2 years ago and had our 1st dc this year ,only one cousin who I consider a brother has come to see her nobody else and nobody has ever been to our house , we all get along there is no family drama or reason for it , they all live about an hour and half away and my 2 uncles and their wife's are retired. I'm very hurt . I have spent years showing up for everyone else for weddings and babies christenings any big family events I ALWAYS traveled to them without fail and with the exception of one cousin nobody else has come to see her , I think I'm so hurt because they all mean so much to me but I obviously don't to them , is it to much to ask that the take a few hours out of one weekend to call and see us ? I don't think I'm being unreasonable am I ?

Have you suggested going to them? Or meeting half way? Has it got to be at yours?

Have you invited them?

Have you invited them?

Oh yes of course !

Have you actually asked them? When you moved into your house, did you have a housewarming party for friends/family? Since you've had the baby, have you spoken to any of these family members and/or asked if they'd like to visit? Based on the vast majority of MN posts on this topic, I wouldn't be surprised if they just felt like they might be imposing.

I've spent my whole adult life going to them honestly if I didn't go to them I would never see any of them so no this time I'm not putting my baby in the car for a 3 hour round trip if they can't be bothered to come to us for once.

They're probably accustomed to you going to them. People do I think.

You should specifically invite them. If they have bigger families they may consider cousins, aunts and uncles a bit more distant. They may not have done the math that they don't need to be working around your immediate family.

But yeah, we moved away from both families, about 1.5 hours from DH's. PIL are here an all the time, BIL and SIL have been in the house maybe three times in the ten years we've lived here. Ho hum.

You're a first time mum right? I think YABU. Your baby is the centre of your universe but she isn't the centre of everyone else's. People have lives.

My family are very much just drop in , you might get a phone call in the morning to say they will be near you that day and call in. they have all been invited it's an open invitation we all get on extremely well we aren't formal like that at all.

When baby was first born, did you do the Mumsnet 'no visitors until I say so' thing?

That's the only reason I would avoid visiting a close relative after they've had a baby.

Or, are they mainly male relatives that don't quite get the gushy newborn thing?

Hmm. I honestly don't think many men are particularly interested in new babies. Do your cousins have children?

I understand that but I have always made the effort for them and every time I'm talking to one of them they say they have to come visit but never actually do . I think I'm just hurt because it's always me that made the effort and I expected them to reciprocate which maybe was my first mistake

No I never did that all of DP family were here to see the baby.

Yes they all do and I went to every christening and went to visit when they were born

I think with you being further away that won't apply though, no one's going to do a three hour round trip just to pop in and risk it being a bad time. Why don't you approach them with a more specific invitation?

If it was me I’d pull the drawbridge up completely no photos no social media updates and then see what they do, yanbu to be disappointed with them OP.

Invite them!

Thank you yes I've decided to only have grandparents and godparents at the christening as I don't want to be left in a situation of all my DPs family showing up and none of mine I don't want it to ruin the day

If you’re so close raise it publically. Is there a whatsapp group? Say quite clearly that you feel hurt that except for 1 cousin nobody has made an effort to see your baby when you spent years showing up for them. Then ask them clearly if they actually see you as family. Let them reply (or not) and see what happens.

With family you need to be blunt and straight forward and call a spade a spade. If you’re hurt don’t hide it from them.

She did it for them.

Yes but it sadly doesn't mean that it's returned.

Could it be a case of you FELT that they were like siblings, but to them, you were definitely a cousin?
My husbands cousin feels so close to my husband and his siblings, but they have each other, so don't feel the same way in return.

Also, you've said you always make effort to attend christenings etc, I think that's quite normal, but the expectation to pop in and see you (a three hour trip away) on a random Tuesday isn't the same thing as a big family event.

You've said you go to the big family events but do you just rock up for a cuppa? I think that might be the difference - they'd probably all turn up for a christening but not a vague invitation. If they've got older kids weekends are busy and unless there's a specific invitation for a specific time it just doesn't work at that distance.

What makes you think they wouldn't show up to a christening? You're totally over reacting.