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Original poster

Telling my friend I'm pregnant and will be almost 9 months pregnant on her wedding day when I'm supposed to be a bridesmaid

31 replies

AmberPoet · 08/10/2024 12:39

Hi all,

I have my friend around on Friday to tell her I'm pregnant. I have been dreading this moment because I have to tell her I am due 9 days after her wedding, which I am supposed to be bridesmaid for. I will give her the option to ask me to stand down, or I can buy myself a new dress, and do the best that I can on the lead up and on the day. But I am conscious this may be limited and that may upset her as once she has a vision in her head, she gets upset if that vision isn't met and I know this is going to be one of those moments.

How do I best approach this?

Thanks x

OP posts:
TickingAlongNicely · 08/10/2024 12:42

If she's a close enough friend for you to be a bridesmaid I'm sure she will be ecstatic about a baby.

MrSeptember · 08/10/2024 12:45

i would like to say that of course she'll understand. Sadly, I have heard of brides who become completely bridezilla about this sort of thing. So I hope she is a sensible, rational, loving friend who will be happy for you but if she's not, I'm sorry.

Allthegoodusernamesareused · 08/10/2024 12:45

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I'm sure your friend will be delighted for you. I had this exact same scenario, my best friend actually gave birth a week after my wedding. We couldn't make the bridesmaids dress work, but she was still an important part of my special day.

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Butterflyfern · 08/10/2024 12:47

Honestly, if she's a good friend she'll be happy for you. A wedding isn't the be all and end all. A wedding shouldn't be about Instagram or "the vision".

Although, I think you need to be very realistic with her that you probably won't be able to attend. We had someone who was very ill invited to our wedding. We kept her a space if she felt able to attend for any/part/all of it, but made it clear there were no expectations and there was no need to even let us know either way. I'd do the same in your circumstances

CadoAvo · 08/10/2024 12:50

How far away is the wedding/due date? And is your dress already bought?

Honestly, if she reacts negatively that will say a lot about her. Having been a bride last year I totally get how it can consume you to try and have the perfect day without being a bridezilla. However the day will pass her before she knows it and anything she worried about beforehand will seem really stupid afterwards. I'd honestly be thrilled if anyone told me they were pregnant.

I think by offering alternatives such as offering to stand down, buy a new dress etc is all you can do.

However if she asks you to stand down I'd be annoyed. If you want to stand down though then totally understandable as you might go into labour, or find the day tough at 9 months pregnant.

SummerScarf · 08/10/2024 12:52

What others have said - if she is your friend she will be delighted for you and bend over backwards to ensure you’re comfortable if you’re able to attend her wedding in whatever capacity. If she puts her instagrammable day over the fact you’re making a whole new human being, then I’d be giving her a sharp talking to.

Lurkingandlearning · 08/10/2024 12:52

Congratulations. A good friend will be happy for you.

It might be less pressure for both of you if you stood down from being bridesmaid. You might not even be able to attend. If you get an outfit in bridesmaid colours and you can get there, you could still be included in the photos etc.

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/10/2024 12:53

Any kind of friend would just be delighted for you.
Congratulations.

mitogoshigg · 08/10/2024 12:56

A decent friend will be delighted and ask you whether you want to continue (bearing in mind you may have given birth even) or stand down.

This highlights the issue of arranging things so early, circumstances change. I think 90% of the wedding problems on Mumsnet would disappear if decisions weren't made until a few months out at most and everyone listened to each other!

InfoSecInTheCity · 08/10/2024 12:56

I think standing down would be the best option, yes you could be on time or even late but 9 day before due date it's as likely that you would be in labour or have a newborn. You wouldn't be able to confirm your presence at her wedding until the day of the wedding.

I think she should be graceful and congratulatory on accepting this news although would understand her feeling a little disappointed, but I think you need to lead on the decision that you'll be a guest rather than a part of the wedding party.

PolliFlinders · 08/10/2024 13:00

This happened to me. I stood down which was just as well as my baby was 24 hours old and we were still in hospital on the wedding day. My friend was delighted for me and completely understood.

TubeScreamer · 08/10/2024 13:02

A friend would surely be delighted for you.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 08/10/2024 13:04

Just tell her. The earlier she knows, the more time she will have to adjust her expectations. And if she expresses her displeasure then she's not a good friend and can go fuck herself.

Milkmani8 · 08/10/2024 13:05

Tell her now so there’s plenty of time to decide what to do. I had the same, was meant to be MOH for my sister and was due week of the wedding. Had baby early and attended as a bridesmaid and was just in photos and let the other girls faff about with the dress and everything. She just wanted photos of us getting ready in the morning with my baby and a lovely time was had by all. I was lucky as had a bad birth and difficult recovery from surgery. I did some bits ahead of the wedding and organised a couple of extra hen evenings and afternoon tea with mum, MIL and grandmothers in law which was lovely and made her feel special.

Silvers11 · 08/10/2024 13:05

Congratulations @AmberPoet I think you should actually tell your friend that you are having to step down as a bridesmaid and not suggest that you will do what you can do if possible.

9 days is nothing. You might, as the dates suggest, already have your baby by the time of the wedding - and it might be 2 or 3 weeks old if it arrives early - but it could easily be late in arriving and arrive on or after the day of the wedding. If you are still pregnant on the wedding day, you will be tired, uncomfortable and not wanting to be involved in doing things for someone else. The last few weeks of pregnancy can be very trying!

Seasmoke · 08/10/2024 13:06

I think it's better if you offer to stand down rather than buy a new dress, etc. It will give her certainty so she can plan without you. There are too many variables otherwise. If she makes the decision to take the chance that you may be there then at least she has made the decision. Hopefully, she's not a bridezilla about it!

SJM1988 · 08/10/2024 13:06

A true friend would be happy for you and ask what you wanted to do.

I've been to a few wedding where bridesmaids have been heavily pregnant, have babies a few days old (sometimes weeks old as well) and also wedding where the bridesmaid have chosen to step down.

Drivingoverlemons · 08/10/2024 13:09

I think it would be easier all round to step down. I couldn’t even attend my oldest friend’s wedding as I had given birth a week before. Of course, I thought I would attend but when it came to it there was just no way I could have, given I was barely up to leaving the house. Being pregnant would be easier but there is no guarantee you won’t give birth early. Happened to a friend of mine at 36 weeks the day after she went on her nice early maternity leave!

WiserOlderElf · 08/10/2024 13:09

Would you believe this happened to me with 3 of my bridesmaids 😁. All 3 were between 8 and 9 months pregnant on my wedding day. 1 stepped down (but came to the wedding 5 days overdue!), 2 were heavily pregnant bridesmaids.
I was ecstatic for them all. As this is anonymous I will admit to a slight initial pang of upset, only because I thought they’d all step down or worse, wouldn’t be able to come to the wedding, and I really wanted them there. Finding suitable dresses was tricky but we got there in the end.

ButterAsADip · 08/10/2024 13:10

It’s not going to upset her - you’re close enough to be her bridesmaid.

You wouldn’t be upset if your bridesmaid was pregnant - would you?? Surely not?

My friend’s bridesmaid was due on the same day as the wedding. Went without a hitch. And even if it didn’t (baby arrived early, bridesmaid was struggling and couldn’t be a bridesmaid) - so what? I can’t understand what the problem would be. You’d have one less bridesmaid. Fine!

Coconutter24 · 08/10/2024 13:12

Just say exactly what you’ve said here, if she is a true friend she will be over joyed for you and not go all bridezilla on you lol. However if she does just step down

Dontlletmedownbruce · 08/10/2024 13:16

Definitely stand down. It would be way too much pressure on you and unfair and disappointing for her if you don't show up.

My dh was groomsman and bowed out as it was a few days before my due date. We had planned to go as guests but I went into labour and gave birth in the middle of their dinner so it was just as well.

Conniebygaslight · 08/10/2024 13:18

If you are so worried about telling your friend that you are expecting a baby, that tells you all you need to know...

LettuceSpray · 08/10/2024 13:23

Objectively, this is not an issue. Given the fact that weddings usually take place when brides/grooms and their friends are child bearing age it must happen every day somewhere in the world! Realistically you will probably have to bow out of bridesmaid duties. But, You haven’t done anything deliberately thoughtless or wrong and your friend should be delighted and flexible about her plans.

Of course, this is objectively speaking in an ideal world. Your friend might well be disappointed or annoyed because she has a fixed idea about how her day will be. Be prepared for her to react in a less than gracious way because even the closest of friends can get a bit bridezilla. But don’t lose sight of the fact that rationally it isn’t a big deal, it won’t spoil the wedding and your pregnancy is just adding to the sum of good news in the world! Don’t feel or act apologetic. You haven’t actually spoiled anything, something unavoidable has come up and your friend has to be flexible.

HowYouSpellingThat10 · 08/10/2024 13:28

Just tell her. I think offering to step down as bridesmaid is the best idea.

I was at a similar stage for my sister's wedding and didn't want the extra pressure of dress fittings etc.

I did a reading and signed the register but I'd have been easy enough to replace if it has come to it. You can still be involved/help her with the planning just without the title.

I managed okay for the wedding. Very comfy shoes and support tights. But you could just attend the ceremony and go after that so that you aren't counted as a head for meal and if you aren't up to it on day then no one loses out too much.

If she's a friend then she'll understand.

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