How to say no to second hand baby stuff?

[BlackButter]

I appreciate I sound like an arsehole. We’ve spent 10years TTC and are the last of our friends and family to have a baby. Having thought about this for so long I knew the kind of things I wanted to buy.
Friends obviously have a lot of stuff they want to pass on. I don’t need a lot of it and I don’t have the time to sort through it. I’ve tried when offered clearly much loved stuff to try and take a few pieces. But I’m being given old toys and h sued things they didn’t want and I have boxes of stuff that people are going to expect to see in use when they come round. How do you say no to a top that was clearly the parents favourite but you know you’ll never use?
i know the eco side of things means I should get everything second hand. But why did they get to have everything new and not me? And everything will be passed onto a charity shop going forward or sold in bundles on vinted.

I just need a nice way to say “please no lore second hand stuff” or “no thank you” when they say “do you want this top”? I am a people pleaser and ND and really really struggling with this when I should be counting down the days to baby not getting stressed about bags of broken toys that are arriving without notice and offers of clothes I don’t want. I know clothes are expensive but I’ve saved for this and want the joy in buying things for my baby, that I have already done so.

"Thank you for thinking of us. We already have enough X, Y, Z. Please pass them onto someone else that needs them instead"

"Thanks for the offer but we already have one of those/plenty of those/haven't the space"

Thanks, it’s more the stuff that’s passed on by someone else, so my mum arrives with stuff someone has given her, and it’s in bad condition and I know the person who has given it will expect to see it used to when they come round.

Tell your mum not to accept anything then. And say no thank you to those polite enough to ask. And any more that comes tell your mum to take it directly to charity. If anyone asks say “everyone has been so kind we have far more than we needed” and leave it there.

I think you are overthinking this a bit. People honestly won't expect to see their stuff when they visit, just say sorry I already had this but thanks. Your Mum shouldn't be accepting donations and certainly shouldn't be dumping on you so ask her if someone insists on giving something to her, could she please bring it to the charity shop instead.

My sister said she didn't want any of my stuff and that was that. Its OK, at worst people might think you are very particular but they won't see it as an insult.

As you will realise as baby grows, it's a two way favour. You'll probably be delighted to declutter and will enjoy sending stuff off to someone you know rather than a stranger. So pls don't feel guilty about lack of gratitude.

Good luck with baby, I'm so sorry it took so long.

I had the same thing as I had dcs later in life and older than my siblings and friends. Honestly I just accepted it as people were overly keen to help, I took a photo of baby in/with each item then put it on Vinted or Ebay. Made a nice amount (paid into baby's JISA and SIPP) and everyone was happy.

I totally feel this, I had this too!! In the end... I learnt to puff my cheeks out and try to make a comedy 'oof!' noise, and say "that's so kind of you but we've already been given 20 onesies / 43 babygros / 3 dozen muslins" etc.... it worked because people realised your drawers were FULL already. The end. Only an arsehole would try to make you keep stuff you have no room for, so don't let them mess with your head, they are inconsiderate. Just keep repeating how much stuff you have already - more than the baby could ever need.
(Then go out and buy the things you've always dreamed of buying for your much wanted baby... no guilt, it's your journey, not theirs.)

Do you have facebook or instagram?

If so do you think a post about how grateful you are for everyone giving you things and now your lucky baby has more clothes/gear than they need. If anyone else was thinking of generously passing on their treasured baby items, you would love them to consider x charity instead .. and post a link to a women fleeing domestic violence charity that wants baby stuff.

then make sure you Mum sees the post and if you Mum still turns up with stuff ask her to take it over to the charity donation spot.

Thanks all. It’s more the not wanting to upset people who pass things on saying “this was X’s favourite” and yes I can see that as it looks very well loved and used and I can’t wash it. Especially friends who love that they bought everything second hand. But damaged toys??

"thanks for thinking of us but we don't need these now. If you don't want them any more I'll take them to the charity shop"

I used to say "thank you so much but my sister has passed so much onto us that we have plenty already" it wasn't true but it felt nicer haha.

If it was really their favourite and was that sentimental they'd be keeping it. So don't think more on it. If you don't want it either pass on to charity or don't accept in the first place. You really aren't hurting people's feelings and even if you were that's on them to manage.

We passed on stuff when we could and I was always careful to ensure the person knew it was totally an offer and refusal would definitely not offend. Anything I really felt sentimental about I've kept.

“Mum, we’ve got more stuff than the baby can use in a lifetime. It’s very kind of people, but please stop bringing us stuff we have no space for.”

OP, please learn to "upset people", politely. There will be plenty more trampling on your boundaries to come. A lot of folks view babies (and the environment they grow up in, sometimes even their parents) as public property.

Start praticing saying "no. It will set a good example for your kids too.

I had second hand everything . Pram, car
Seat, moses basket, crib

Actually, it's such a short space of time that you use this stuff

Clothes are an annoyance though . I had too much, it's overwhelming. You don't actually need 100 baby grows for 0-3 months

It's also not helpful to have stuff handed that you have to store for months because it's too big

I used to bin it/ clothes bin/charity shop

The reason people pass stuff on is because they cannot bear to bin their precious baby stuff and people dont tend to want to buy used stuff for their precious first born

But you aren't attached so can get rid without sorrow

If people pass on schmutter I wouldn’t worry about offending them. Honestly I would never pass on anything that wasn’t as good as new.

My MIL was dreadful for accepting used baby stuff from her friends on our behalf. She saw it as pure kindness and generosity but with some of it you could tell her friends just wanted rid so it wasn't cluttering up their house.

In the end we had to say that if she accepted it without asking us and we didn't want it, she had to keep it at her house or organise moving it on to charity etc.

Just say ‘no we already have xx or enough of xx’, and you need to tell your mum the same. Suggest they pass on elsewhere, such as a Baby Bank (ours locally always need donations). I was quite happy to accept hand me downs, but can appreciate if you want and can afford to get new stuff.

I accept a lot second hand and also give a lot.

If offered directly and you don't want it a polite 'Thank you but we already have xxx' ' or 'Thank you but we have enough'. If pressed then I'd just go with the let someone else benefit comment, or you don't have space to store it etc.

If though others (Mum or MIL etc), either politely take it off them and either keep some of it or just take it all to charity /baby bank. Or start implementing a if they accept it they need to store it policy with them. They will soon stop accepting stuff.

I wouldn't worry about upsetting people - 90% of people just see it as an easy way to get rid of things that they otherwise would send to the charity shop or sorted out to sell. I give loads of my DS clothes to a friend in exchange for a bottle of prosecco. It save me having to deal with taking it to charity. I'm not offended when she doesn't want stuff though.

Oh and you definitely don’t need to keep stuff to show friends / family that you’ve used it.

I’ve accepted loads of second hand stuff, it’s saved us a fortune! Babies are so expensive and some stuff is only needed for such a short period of time, it’s pointless spending money, if people are happy to give you stuff for free!

No one has offered us broken toys or stained clothing, luckily. But if they did, I would just politely decline and say, “oh we’ve already got plenty of that, maybe donate it to the charity shop as they’re always in need.” Most people understand if particular clothing isn’t to your specific taste, and none of my friends have been offended if I have turned down items of clothing I don’t particularly like.

I appreciate you want new stuff for your newborn, but might be worth keeping anything bigger for if your little one goes to nursery. Tatty hand me downs are so handy! Everything gets ruined anyway so might as well not waste your money on new clothes at that point.

I didn’t mean that you should send broken stuff to the charity shop by the way, what I meant was if it’s not something you like, or will use then suggest they donate it.

I read my post back and thought oh god that’s not what I meant to say at all! 🤦🏻‍♀️

So much stuff is a total waste of money, but you often don't know if your baby likes it until they are here (moses basket, I'm looking at you). I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss. I had images of a colour coordinated wooden toy nursery. But the baby likes the plastic toys I'd never have bought myself.

I was overwhelmed with clothes though. A lot was passed on free on Facebook marketplace. But even there, the clothes I thought I'd use weren't the same as what we actually used. We used no vests at all. We used no leggings until potty trained. We didn't need a changing table.

@BlackButter my DD has been going with 'oh, that's so kind of you to offer, but as it's our first baby we're really enjoying the whole process of shopping and choosing for ourselves'. That seems to work. And brief your mother to say something similar – I have been 😄