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Original poster

My husband is mean

30 replies

Feelingsadd · 07/10/2024 23:05

Just need to vent. I feel so lonely and crave love so badly

my husband is just so mean I feel like he hates me. I vent to one of my sister a lot we’re close and she says he doesn’t it’s a rough patch

we have 2 very young kids , it’s quite stressful both under 3 yo. It’s been tough I’ve been depressed. And he’s just expected me to get on with it

He hasn’t understood the struggles and how I’ve felt. He made a comment about me making excuses not to have sex and I’ve had 0 sex drive since I had my 2nd baby who’s 7 months old

he just tells me off all the time constantly just seems annoyed and even little things makes fun of me being anxious

I do want to work on things but sometimes the way he acts I just think fuck you? Why would I want to work when he’s just so bitter and has gone so mean

he says he’s stressed and said he needs sex - I get it to a point but I’m so drained I haven’t had a full nights sleep in over 7 months, our eldest is a toddler still so it’s quite chaotic? I have no sex drive

but I don’t know if I’m being whiny here and it’s just a rough patch I need to get over

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingsadd · 07/10/2024 23:24

He’s quite good at ‘masking’ in front of the kids aka won’t say the stupid stuff to me in front of them

but obviously as they get older they’ll realise surely v

OP posts:
jannier · 07/10/2024 23:31

He's an arse. So has he checked out of parenting will he do nights

Original poster
Feelingsadd · 07/10/2024 23:34

jannier · 07/10/2024 23:31

He's an arse. So has he checked out of parenting will he do nights

No I do most parenting tbh. He works long hours and then says how he’s worked so hard etc so yep most parenting is to me

OP posts:

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Relationship problems
TheFirstSnow · 07/10/2024 23:35

You need and deserve love and support, otherwise what is the point in being with someone?
I am sorry you are going through this OP, it must be so hard for you with two small kids.

Apolitia · 07/10/2024 23:37

Trust your gut. You feel like he is mean.

What you describe sounds mean and uncaring and like he thinks you’re the domestic drudge.

He should worry and care and look after you if you’re struggling :( That is the point of a partnership.

ChristmasisinManchester · 07/10/2024 23:38

He sounds abusive.

telling you off? The mother of his children?

telling you to destress by shagging him, when you have two very young babies and a rocky relationship?

adjusting his treatment of you depending on who is present?

what sort of mean things does he do or say?

i take it this isn’t brand new behaviour and he’s always been a cunt.

Apolitia · 07/10/2024 23:41

And the sex stuff … 🤮🤮🤮. His need for sex is greater than your need for comfort, sleep and support, eh? Basically that’s what he is telling you, and that is not OK.

there is absoutely nothing less sexy to a mum of young children than a man who makes a song and dance of his sexual wants whilst ignoring all his wife’s emotional and physical needs. What is he, a Neanderthal??

if he wants sexual favours he can get himself a blow up doll.

SharpLily · 07/10/2024 23:41

Is it worth explaining to him that you might fancy a bit more sex if he didn't behave like such a cunt?

Original poster
Feelingsadd · 07/10/2024 23:43

i just feel like he’s changed since we’ve had kids and I’m clinging onto the old him. He was always quite I’d say blunt? Never would apologise in a tiff etc always like this is me take it or leave it. I admired his confidence and it drew me to him as I’m not so it’s like we’re opposites in that sense

He thinks me being anxious is stipid. I have anxiety. It annoys him and he says me panicking ruins things

When I mentioned how hard the first few months of our youngest child’s life was he just said it’s been hard for me too

he just seems off and I want the old him back I feel so lonely and I don’t want to turn into a monster mum who craves love that when they’re adults and independent I don’t know what to do with myself

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 07/10/2024 23:45

Sorry OP. He sounds absolutely awful. An abusive bully. You’re anxious because of him and his behaviour toward you, naturally. That will only spiral if things continue the way they are. Either you try to pull him up on it, tell him it’s unacceptable and if it doesn’t stop, that’ll be it or if this feels unsafe or unlikely to have any effect, then you just decide you’ve already had enough and get away from him.

As you have observed, it’s not accidental, he’s choosing to be like this towards you and can bloody well choose not to be.

Original poster
Feelingsadd · 07/10/2024 23:47

He’s also like I’d say quite tough love

i moved in with him at 21 after I met him and I feel like I’m still learning things, I sound so young saying that haha! But he took control everything , and now I’m in control too as I’m older and we’re married have kids etc

and I say like oh can you help me with xyz (a form maybe to fill out) and he’s like “just do it I had to learn myself no one taught me”.

and I passed my drivingtest a year ago , I’m still nervous haven’t been on a motorway luckily so many things for me and the kids have been on normal roads but even that he says I need to grow up and just drive on one, he had to just reach him self blah blah

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingsadd · 07/10/2024 23:48

He’s diagnosed with ADHD too has been for years so has emotional outbursts and this tends to be during them

so I try to get it but also when I’m anxious and nearly having a panic attack I manage to spout stupid words out of my mouth. Why can’t he do the same

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 07/10/2024 23:49

and I don’t want to turn into a monster mum who craves love that when they’re adults and independent I don’t know what to do with myself

Just park this one for a while, one thing at a time. Your anxiety would be enormously reduced if he wasn’t bullying you.

Mmhmmn · 07/10/2024 23:51

Btw a partner turning mean isn’t a rough patch. That’s not on and should not be excused.

Attelina · 07/10/2024 23:53

Is there any affection?

I understand you have no sex drive but he does and whilst he's going about in an unpleasant manner I wouldn't want to not go without any physical intimacy.

Original poster
Feelingsadd · 07/10/2024 23:56

Not really affection wise. On this topic though even when we just got together he was minimal touchy feely

He wasn’t overly physical but now it’s less but again with the kids I’m so tired I usually fall asleep at bed time then I wake up and it’s late and he’s coming to bed

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingsadd · 07/10/2024 23:59

I know I’m not perfect I do need to work on being so anxious. I don’t want my kids to be like me

i need to work on being. More independent. It bothers him that I still reach out to my mum dad siblings etc for support or help if they offer and I talk to them a lot

i I do say how tired I am the kids are so young etc but I do probably need to set time aside for our relationship. I get why he’s probably growing frustrated with me

but yes when he’s like this (which he was tonight) it just makes me forget every ounce of wanting to work on things and makes me so annoyed at him

OP posts:
NZDreaming · 08/10/2024 00:01

@Feelingsadd is your husband much older than you? From what you’ve said it sounds like there might be a power imbalance which is feeding into the way you interact.

My DH has ADHD and I have anxiety - he is not mean to me, he is supportive and caring. He is not dismissive of my feelings and does all he can to make my life easier when I’m struggling. ADHD is not an excuse for his shitty behaviour.

Your husband sounds like an unsupportive, nasty, douche canoe. I wouldn’t want to have sex with someone who was mean to me, belittled me and offered me no comfort or support. Yes you’re both in the trenches when it comes to parenting and lack of sleep makes everything harder but he’s not doing anything much to improve the situation.

Original poster
Feelingsadd · 08/10/2024 00:03

NZDreaming · 08/10/2024 00:01

@Feelingsadd is your husband much older than you? From what you’ve said it sounds like there might be a power imbalance which is feeding into the way you interact.

My DH has ADHD and I have anxiety - he is not mean to me, he is supportive and caring. He is not dismissive of my feelings and does all he can to make my life easier when I’m struggling. ADHD is not an excuse for his shitty behaviour.

Your husband sounds like an unsupportive, nasty, douche canoe. I wouldn’t want to have sex with someone who was mean to me, belittled me and offered me no comfort or support. Yes you’re both in the trenches when it comes to parenting and lack of sleep makes everything harder but he’s not doing anything much to improve the situation.

He’s 6.5 years older than we met when I was 20

when you mention power he does have an issue with not being in control. If he’s not in control bothers him, and I feel like with the kids I’ve took charge I did all the research I try to do my best for them etc

so I wonder if he’s annoyed. As I’m in control there and I want more control

OP posts:
Yerdawasasausagemaker · 08/10/2024 00:06

Feelingsadd · 07/10/2024 23:34

No I do most parenting tbh. He works long hours and then says how he’s worked so hard etc so yep most parenting is to me

Show quote history

So what if he works long hours? I bet he gets a break. You work long hours 24/7 being a parent. When do you get a break?

no wonder you don’t want to have sex with him, his attitude stinks. He needs to step up.

Dotto · 08/10/2024 00:11

He is an abusive bully and your sister is an idiot. Nobody gets to demand sex from someone else, or belittle them. I'd get away from him.

mathanxiety · 08/10/2024 00:11

Stop talking to your sister for starters. Your H is an entitled oug who is showing his true colours. This is not a rough patch.

Start talking to a solicitor instead.

Do you have a job to go back to?

mathanxiety · 08/10/2024 00:11

*pig

mathanxiety · 08/10/2024 00:18

After reading all of your posts, I don't see a single redeeming feature of this arsehole.

I think you'd quite honestly see your anxiety disappear if you weren't tied to this rude, domineering, sneering pillock.

He doesn't like you, love. You're never going to get an ounce of affection or kindness from him.

It's time to start looking out for your own best interests.

In your shoes, so beaten down and miserable, with all the confidence knocked out of you by his coldness, criticism, and cutting words, I'd call Women's Aid.

0808 2000 247.

What he's doing is emotional and psychological abuse.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 08/10/2024 00:35

"he says he’s stressed and said he needs sex - I get it to a point but I’m so drained I haven’t had a full nights sleep in over 7 months, our eldest is a toddler still so it’s quite chaotic? I have no sex drive"

Any man pressuring his post-partum wife for sex is disgusting in my view. Women's bodies go through so much during pregnancy, childbirth, and in the post-partum months. Women should NEVER be pressured to resume sex after having a baby. Women should only ever have sex once they are physically and emotionally ready to.

Your husband makes me feel sick and I wouldn't want to have sex with him either. His whole attitude is a turnoff. He gives me the ICK.

Once you begin to lose respect for your husband, your marriage is pretty much over. I'm sure you'd be happier without this controlling bully in your home.