How do I resolve this issue with my partner re - moving in together?

[alpenglow1]

Sorry for the long post - I've name changed as some details could be identified.

DP and I are about to move in together and I am having doubts.

We've been together for over 3 years. So far, we've each had our own apartments - he owned a flat in a very upscale area of a large city, and I rent a flat further to the north, reasonably close to the green belt. He's now sold his flat and I am still renting until we find a place together.

Being close to a rural area is a priority for me. I moved to the city 7 years ago from another country to set up my self-employed business, never intending to settle permanently because I am really not a city person. But back then I was in my mid-20s and looking to try a new area/country, and it worked really well and I've stayed ever since.

When we first talked about buying a place and moving in together, it became clear that he was completely unwilling to move more than about a mile away because his mother lives there, and she's getting older. (She has no significant health issues and is very active, so it's not about helping her out per se.) When I suggested moving a bit further away, he refused, with no option for compromise. He wants to be able to pop in to see his mum spontaneously once or twice a week instead of having to schedule a dinner or something. He's significantly older than me and his mum has been his main support person for decades. They have a close bond, and I respect that. I love how much he cares about his family.

However, I was very concerned because I can't see myself living in his area. There's nothing wrong with it and lots of people would love to live there, but it's just not my cup of tea. I'd be happy to move there for a short time, 3-5 years or so. But buying a place and staying for 10+ years didn't feel right at all.

Over time, I let him convince me because everything else about the relationship is fantastic. He's a caring, lovely, kind, funny partner and I want nothing more than to move in with him. Now that the move is getting closer, I am getting more and more concerned about my lack of excitement. Whenever I think about moving to this area permanently, I feel upset instead of excited. I hate this for myself and for him because this should be such a great time in our lives and relationship. Instead it's just stressful.

Do you have any advice on how to move forward? Anything that could help me reframe this in my mind? Have you been on either side of something like this, and how did you resolve it?

I really want this to work out, but I feel like I'm in a lose-lose-lose situation: If I move, I risk becoming resentful and unhappy living somewhere I don't want to be. If I manage to convince him to move somewhere else, I am ripping him away from his mum, and the only other option seems to split up.

The fact that she has pre-existing conditions and will probably not live longer than 10 years often comes up - which I think has no place in a discussion about where to live. I think this is really morbid

It may feel morbid, but it is practical and sensible to think about and discuss her likely lifespan when planning your future. She will be a big factor in your future, so of course the length of her remaining life should be discussed and taken into account (given that no-one knows the future).

I don't want to live my life waiting for her to pass so that we can start living somewhere we're both comfortable.

This is a good approach. So you need to find somewhere you are both comfortable while she is still alive. If you sincerely know that you would never be happy in the area she lives, then you can't move in with him there. You remain living apart. The only other option would be for all three of you to move to a new area.
Have you all three sat down and discussed the issue? Do you know her well enough to talk to her about his intentions and attitude? Would she feel uneasy being 'involved' in your disagreement?

What he isn’t compromising on is how he sees her. If you are living together, he doesn’t need to eg keep weekends free for you and pop in on her during the week. He could spend a full day with her every other Saturday (or whatever) and that would also be enjoying her company

His mum is, I presume in her 70s.

My gran lived to 104 and had been in poor health since she retired at 60.
You could have another 30 years before you can live your own life.

Has your partner ever moved away from his mother, other than say for college?
If not, it might not be 100% his mother holding him to the place - he might just be completely change and risk averse and will never move even after his mother is gone.

I hope I don't upset you if I say that I think if you truly loved this man none of the location stuff would matter. People follow partners to the end of the earth. I think you have doubts about him (his ability to prioritise your needs for example) and a future with him and the move issue has focused your mind and provided a deadline.

However much we love our parents there comes a point in your life when you leave your parents and your first loyalty becomes to your partner. Not that this means you neglect your parents or love and support them any the less, but that you as a couple are the new team around which the wider family works. He isn't doing that.

You have to decide if you want him, and all the good and bad that come with it, or if you want to live your own as you choose.

We haven't done this and I am not sure he would be open to discussing it with her. From the way I know her and how respectfully she has always behaved towards me, I think she would feel really bad about being the 'reason' for this issue.

It probably would be really helpful for him to also get another perspective, though. He's asked me to speak to my friends about it, but I doubt he will be speaking to anyone - his mother or any friends or other family members - about it.

Thank you for your insight and honesty.

He moved away for a short time, but not for more than about half a year, I think. This was when he was much younger, so his father was also still alive. His mum living on her own probably makes a difference, as well.

Yes, I do think I have doubts about his ability to prioritise my needs. I do love him, but I think this is making me reluctant to want to fully commit to him. Over the last few years, I have felt the gradual shift from having my mother as my primary person/team to having him. I don't think he has shifted his first loyalty to me.

Agreed also that there could be other reasons he doesn't want to move from the area: familiarity, maybe a sense of 'this is a good area, I don't want to drop my standards'...

He is banking on 5 years time you have stfu about moving.. His dm will be 5 years older. Less chance he will move imo.

In your first post you say: "She has no significant health issues and is very active, so it's not about helping her out per se." Then you say "The fact that she has pre-existing conditions and will probably not live longer than 10 years often comes up" - that's quite a dripfeed and totally different from what you initially said. You've not said how old she is but she has to be in her 70s with less than 10 years to live. I'm not surprised he wants to stay close if that second statement is the truth.

Why don't you just keep the status quo? You keep your flat and let him buy a one bed on his own. If you don't have kids you don't need two bedrooms anyway. Regardless, most cities in the UK are very green with easy access to many parks and rural areas within 30 minutes at the most, even London. If you're not feeling it don't move in with him and stay where you are. Which would you miss more though - living with him wherever that was or living rurally? That's what you have to decide. Even so, you can find some properties in between where he wants and where you want then you look up how long to get to where his mother is and push the positives of that.

What you have to think about is whether you definitely want children with him and you both need to decide where you are bringing them up. You're going to have more problems in the future if you decide you do want kids with him then decide you want to move back to your own country with those children but he doesn't.

Maybe I didn't express this well. What I meant was, she doesn't currently have any health conditions. She is very active and well. No need to provide assistance with any regular tasks except maybe cutting high branches in the garden, some IT help, or stuff like that. But she has issues that could turn into conditions that require more care in the future.

The 10 years (and the fact that her potential future condition may kill her quickly) is something he has said to me in the context of our discussions.

You can't base your whole life on potential, future conditions that could happen.

All you have is the you and the now.

I think it's callous and unnecessary to expect him to move away from his mum at the end of her life. You're questioning whether he loves you because he won't discard his mum for you, but frankly I don't think you can love him if you want him to do that.

It's completely normal to have close relationships with family across generations as an adult. I know people with three generations in the same home. It doesn't mean they're immature or dysfunctional or any of the other judgemental disparaging comments on this thread. They're just ordinary loving families.

Oh don't be so melodramatic! There's a huge middle ground between 'not being close enough to pop over for lunch on a work day' ie only a mile or two and 'discarding' her!

I'd be wanting marriage before I agreed to that.

I think every person has dealbreakers around which they're not willing to compromoise. Some of those are "big" things - major moral/ethical positions, religion etc, but sometimes they're a bit more local - like where to live.

It's not the same as your situation exactly but DH and I had a similar issue before we moved in together. We're both from another country. I wanted to go home. He didn't. He made it clear this was a dealbreaker for him, no compromise was possible and then I made the decision on whether or not I was willing to live with that. A friend had a similar issue and in her case, she chose to go back and left the BF behind.

So if there genuinely is no compromise here, then it might be that this won't work out.

Having said that, it feels amazing to me you can't find a compromise. Move a little bit further from him towards a different green belt area for example?

What I think is a shame is that if his mum is as nice as you say, she'd probably feel awful that this may end the relationship.

I'm close with my adult son but I've always encouraged him to focus on his own happiness. At one point that meant he worked abroad and yes I missed him but he was fulfilling his dream, which made me so happy. Likewise my DD is currently living a days travel away and I miss her but I'm happy her life is going well.

Honestly, I don't see why your partner can't just call his mum in his work breaks or whatever. I don't see that he needs to be there in person. It's not as if you're suggesting moving hours away. I do wonder how much of it is wanting to be near his mum and how much is wanting to stay in that area.

If I were you, I'd sit down and tell him what you've told us. This isn't your problem alone to solve. It's something you should be able to work through together and come to a compromise. If he's not willing to do that, then yes I'd question just how committed he is. There could be numerous solutions, but it's not your job alone to find one, you need to work together on this.

completely unwilling to move more than about a mile away because his mother lives there, and she's getting older..... he refused, with no option for compromise.

I would keep my own front door rather than sign up for a lifetime of this. He is clearly prioritising his own convenience and his mother above a compromise with you.

Don't do it. Your gut is right. It's ok to change your mind, it's far far better than doing something because you said you would, and it's ok to put what you want first.

If he's a good human he will understand and compromise, if he won't compromise for anyone other than his mother he's no use as a partner.

He us an owner and selling
You are renting
How will the new home be purchased? Are you both putting equal amounts in or what percentage?

OP has said:

The current idea is that he buys the property himself since he has the money from the sale of the old flat. I wanted this arrangement because I wanted to spend a year living with him before making a more substantial financial commitment. (I come from divorce while he comes from a happily married family, so I am much more cautious.)

Thanks, everyone. Lots to think about. I certainly wouldn't want him to discard his mother. In fact, I would probably end the relationship if he did something that nasty.

I think this thread helped me realise that the real problem isn't the location. It's that I am not his number one priority, which is what I should be as his life partner and possibly future wife. I think I'm a priority - maybe second or third - but not the first one. As long as this is the feeling I get from him, I don't think I can build a life with him. I'm in my early 30s and if I'm going to spend some of my best years with him, he has to be fully committed. Once he is, I may even be happy to settle in his favourite area. As I said, it's not a bad place, just the lack of discussion and his rigidity are really difficult for me to deal with.

This thread has been so helpful. Thanks for taking the time to help me work through this.