How do I resolve this issue with my partner re - moving in together?

[alpenglow1]

Sorry for the long post - I've name changed as some details could be identified.

DP and I are about to move in together and I am having doubts.

We've been together for over 3 years. So far, we've each had our own apartments - he owned a flat in a very upscale area of a large city, and I rent a flat further to the north, reasonably close to the green belt. He's now sold his flat and I am still renting until we find a place together.

Being close to a rural area is a priority for me. I moved to the city 7 years ago from another country to set up my self-employed business, never intending to settle permanently because I am really not a city person. But back then I was in my mid-20s and looking to try a new area/country, and it worked really well and I've stayed ever since.

When we first talked about buying a place and moving in together, it became clear that he was completely unwilling to move more than about a mile away because his mother lives there, and she's getting older. (She has no significant health issues and is very active, so it's not about helping her out per se.) When I suggested moving a bit further away, he refused, with no option for compromise. He wants to be able to pop in to see his mum spontaneously once or twice a week instead of having to schedule a dinner or something. He's significantly older than me and his mum has been his main support person for decades. They have a close bond, and I respect that. I love how much he cares about his family.

However, I was very concerned because I can't see myself living in his area. There's nothing wrong with it and lots of people would love to live there, but it's just not my cup of tea. I'd be happy to move there for a short time, 3-5 years or so. But buying a place and staying for 10+ years didn't feel right at all.

Over time, I let him convince me because everything else about the relationship is fantastic. He's a caring, lovely, kind, funny partner and I want nothing more than to move in with him. Now that the move is getting closer, I am getting more and more concerned about my lack of excitement. Whenever I think about moving to this area permanently, I feel upset instead of excited. I hate this for myself and for him because this should be such a great time in our lives and relationship. Instead it's just stressful.

Do you have any advice on how to move forward? Anything that could help me reframe this in my mind? Have you been on either side of something like this, and how did you resolve it?

I really want this to work out, but I feel like I'm in a lose-lose-lose situation: If I move, I risk becoming resentful and unhappy living somewhere I don't want to be. If I manage to convince him to move somewhere else, I am ripping him away from his mum, and the only other option seems to split up.

We don't have cars, although we can both drive and could get one. Parking near his mum's is really hard though, so I think using a scooter, bike or public transport is easier if walking distance isn't possible.

His reasoning is that he wants to pop into his mum's during a break in his work day. He can't do that if it takes him 30 minutes to get there.

Could you rent in his area for a year? Then you'll know if it's somewhere you are prepared to live. I think living with someone in the first year will tell you everything you need to know about the longevity of the relationship.

It certainly won’t be easy to start the conversation, but far better to do it now than after you have bought a house together. His response to your doubts will be telling too. He will either accept he needs to do more in terms of compromise or he’ll double down. You need to talk to him.

Good reasons here to try renting in his preferred area first before any purchase locks you in.

Thanks for the suggestion. I have been staying in the area about 3 nights every week to be with him, so I know it quite well.

The current idea is that he buys the property himself since he has the money from the sale of the old flat. I wanted this arrangement because I wanted to spend a year living with him before making a more substantial financial commitment. (I come from divorce while he comes from a happily married family, so I am much more cautious.)

I think doing it this way for a year is a good plan.

I have already started the conversation yesterday. He did listen to my concerns, but he didn't change his mind - which is not what I expected anyway. I just wanted him to understand where I'm coming from. He mentioned a possible solution of getting an electric scooter/small car for me to get to where I want to be more quickly. I think this could be a start, but it's not a full workable solution yet.
I also feel that if he now changed his mind, I'd feel guilty because I know it's not what he really wants. He's been so adamant about this.

I definitely think so. The only problem with that is that he will buy a bigger place if I'm moving with him. So I would feel bad in a year's time leaving him with a place that is too big for him on his own.

I would find it worrying that he wants to pop in to see his mum during a break in his work day. Is that what he does now? How often does he see and speak to her exactly? OOH, it's lovely that he has a good relationship with his mum, but OTOH, it seems as if it might be bordering on enmeshment and codependency. I would tread very, very carefully before moving in with a man like this.

Do you stay over at each other's homes over the weekend? How much does he see or speak to his mum when that happens? Does he give you his undivided attention at times? If you were serving dinner and his mum rang, would he answer it or leave it? If you were kissing and cuddling on the sofa, would he pull away to answer the phone to his mum? What about when you go on holiday together - does he call/message her when you're away?

If you haven't given notice to end your tenancy yet, I think you should stay where you are. What stage is he at with buying the new place? Could he buy it without you?

He does this about once or twice a week at most, it would be at times when I am working anyway.

We spend every weekend together and he never speaks to his mum during this time unless we have plans with her (maybe every 2 weeks or so which is a good balance for me because I like her) or there is something practical to discuss.

He would answer if his mum rang because he knows she will only ring at weekends (when she knows I'm there) if it's an emergency. She is not the problem at all. She is super respectful of me and us and doesn't want to bother us when we're spending time together.

He hasn't started looking for a property yet and could buy one on his own. This is the plan anyway, at least at the beginning.

I would rent somewhere jointly first to see how it goes before buying somewhere. Much easier to get out of if need be. As his mother ages, he will probably prioritise her, something to be aware of (not a bad thing, but some folk on here are funny about it).

I can't help feeling that somewhere else on MumsNet, there's a thread by another poster asking for advice about her adult son constantly dropping in unannounced. He's finally sold his flat! AIBU to secretly hope that his nice girlfriend will persuade him to move somewhere out of the city so we can plan ahead for dinner every fortnight and I can have my privacy...

More seriously, if you have the idea in the back of your head that you want to move back to your own country eventually, don't count on him going with you. It's very easy for him to say maybe and he likely hasn't even seriously considered the option, but if he's not genuinely enthusiastic about it now he probably never will be.

OK so it sounds healthy enough.
His inflexibility is a concern. I wonder if he's ever lived with a partner before... if he hasn't, and he's in his 40s, he will have got very used to having his own way with big decisions.
I guess it's tricky though if the two of you have decided that he will buy it himself, rather than making it a joint purchase - because ultimately if the two of you split up he doesn't want to be stuck with a house in a compromise area, when he could have moved where he wanted.
Could the two of you rent together for a year? He could invest the money from his sale and then you buy together after the year of renting? He might be more willing to compromise on location if it's just for a year and then you can look to buy in the same place or elsewheee depending how it goes.

"More seriously, if you have the idea in the back of your head that you want to move back to your own country eventually, don't count on him going with you. It's very easy for him to say maybe and he likely hasn't even seriously considered the option, but if he's not genuinely enthusiastic about it now he probably never will be."

Very good point.

I was thinking similar. Like she's got her fingers crossed he'll settle down at last.

😂that would be so funny. Who knows what she's thinking about it all!!

Agreed, this is a very good point. I have already considered it and know that maybe, moving to my own country is not an option for us, at least not full-time. I am okay with that. It would be extremely hard for him because of a tough language barrier.
The country is reasonably accessible from the UK, and transport links are likely to get even better in the next 10 years. I do spend about 10 weeks a year there, and he has come over multiple times. My family really likes him and everyone gets along.

He has made it clear his relationship with his dm is his priority in his life.. And he won't change this.

Ah well, if he does end up with a house that’s too big for him, he can always move his mum in 😀

Thanks for all the replies so far. I am finding talking through it on here really helpful, especially with your follow-up questions and suggestions.

I'm going to have an early night but will be checking back tomorrow. Any suggestions or additional things to consider are very welcome.

Now is the time to put yourself first. He's putting himself and his mother first. You will be incredibly resentful living in an area he's chosen that really doesn't suit you.

Are you perhaps just getting 'cold feet' about moving in together, and the green space thing is just an excuse you have latched on to because of nerves?
If this is a big step for you, maybe you just need to find your courage to commit.

No relationship or house or neighbourhood is perfect in every way - you just have to be clear about your own red lines and what you will give way on, then take the plunge if your red lines are not crossed and he ticks "enough" boxes.

Seeing this from the outside it looks like his mum is his top priority, then himself and you come last.

Is living as he wishes, in order to be able to pop into his mum's during his working day, alright by you? His mum might live another 30 years. How do you feel about not living where and how you choose for the next 30 years?

If you're ok with that then could you get some sort of compromise that you will spend your weekends out in green spaces so you can satisfy your need for that?

Some people simply value their family - you can’t shoot a guy for that (well except on here)

I wonder if you are simply getting cold feet and looking for an out

I'm not sure, and it is a big step for me, yes. He has lived with someone, but I never have.
But the problem has been there the whole time. I've tried really hard to be okay with the move, but I was never fully on board with the area. I just thought I could live with it, but now that it's getting closer, I'm less sure that I won't become resentful over time.

Yes, I have discussed this with him. There is an idea on the table that we will explore places in the country and buy one in about 5 years' time. That way, we can get used to the neighbourhood before moving there full-time and selling the city place after his mum passes. Aside from any other second home ownership considerations (financial, ethical) I think this is problematic because his mum isn't going to be better than now in 5 years' time. If she does get worse, he's unlikely to want to commit to a second place that takes him a lot further away from her than any place I would now suggest.

The fact that she has pre-existing conditions and will probably not live longer than 10 years often comes up - which I think has no place in a discussion about where to live. I think this is really morbid because I don't want to live my life waiting for her to pass so that we can start living somewhere we're both comfortable. He always says 'it's about enjoying her while she's alive' which it is to a point, but how can I do that if I'm unhappy with where I'm living and I know we're only living there because of her? It feels like a horrible way to live.