Daughter has confessed to bullying

[OliveLion]

Hi my DD 8 is caught up in some friendship drama. Talking it through with her this weekend it is clear that one poor girl is getting picked on. My dd is not the ringleader but has definitely joined in to stay in the popular group. Dd is ashamed (confessed the whole thing as she was worrying about it). I’ve made it clear that she needs to apologise and stick up for the girl. We had the ‘how would you feel’ conversation. Is that enough? I’m tempted to let the teachers know and let DD face the consequences..

Don't tell the teachers! She's confided in you so you should be supportive

Thank you - that a good perspective.

You should praise her for telling you, that must've taken some guts. I think it's great that she confided in you and didn't bottle it all up.

I def wouldn't tell school.

i would tell the school, only so they know this poor child is getting bullied so they can keep an eye on here, AND on dd if she is going to isolate herself/switch sides as the others may turn on her as well.

You can tell them you have dealt with your DD's behaviour, but they need the heads-up to keep an eye on the girls at school.

It’s good that she told you. She’s 8, she is learning about relationships and friendships.
I would advise her to stay out of any bullying or name calling from now on, and perhaps make an effort to make friends with the bullied kid. She has to understand that this might make her unpopular with her ‘mean’ group, but perhaps stepping away from other children who are nasty is a smart move. Kids make mistakes, but the fact she’s clearly been worried about it and has told you shows that she has a level of emotional maturity and recognises that her behaviour was wrong.

I wouldn’t involve any teachers at the moment.

Agreed, you need to help her to fix it and help the other little girl.

This has the added benefit of keeping communication open so if it gets worse there's a fully aware adult ready to step in for whoever needs it.

Tell the school.

This girl needs safeguarding. I was bullied and it led to some extreme reactions.

Bullying destroys people’s lives. This girl needs support ASAP.

you don't just brush bullying under the carpet with an attitude of 'oh, my daughters not involved any more' like it doesn't matter that the girl is STILL getting bullied by the others involved.

In an age appropriate way, you need to make your daughter aware of the possible consequences of bullying, no child should contemplate suicide due to a bunch of rotten eggs.

I would also ask her to tell school herself, they need to be aware that the victim needs help.

I would tell the teacher - let her know your daughter told you and that she is no angel in it, but you’ve spoken with her and trust she will do the right thing from here on. Let the teacher know so that she can keep an eye on the girl being bullied and separate the girls if necessary.

Definitely tell the school.
That poor girl honestly. I was a bullied child at school. No one apologised to me or reported it apart from my own parents. I've been left with years of insecurities about the way I look, even now as an adult.

Do the right thing and tell the school. Don't be a participant.

You need to tell the school op

Quite. What a way to teach her that she cannot trust you when she gets it wrong.
She knows its bad and can now learn and put it right.

You can do both here, you can both support your daughter and the girl being picked on

"Sarah has told me Rose is being bullied and she's upset about it"

Your DD shouldn't get into trouble as the whistleblower

There are charities who deal with bullying so you could ask them for advice.

rubbish, when it involves being horrible to someone else there is no confidence to keep, its call consequences.. aka FAFO.

What about the girl being picked on/bullied? She deserves for someone to stick up for her and let the school know what is going on.

Support your daughter to tell her teacher. If she stands up for the bullied girl on her own, she will likely get bullied too

Agree. Completely disagree with those saying don’t involve the school. The poor girl needs safeguarding. You can still support your daughter but tell her that for the girl concerned sakes you have to let the teacher know. Eight may be young but she needs to learn that while it’s great that she’s come forward there does need to be some consequence for it otherwise what’s to stop her carrying on bullying and just confessing to her mum to relieve her conscience.

In a primary school setting they’re not going to come down on her like a ton of bricks. I would just have a word with the teacher and say something like ‘dd has mentioned that x is being bullied. She admits she initially went along with it but is now very sorry and wants to be help x’

It’s important that your daughter doesn’t just tell you, empower her to tell her teacher that’s what good people do.

I was bullied at school and my DD (7) has been bullied. The impact is horrible.

Having said that, I really can see how a young child can be swept up in being mean if a strong character in their friendship group is leading the way. Young children are generally followers. My DD was targeted by one particular girl for a few weeks who then started to get other girls to join in, which they did. The joiners tended to only do a couple of bad things before they stopped and are now perfectly fine to DD. I wonder if the guilt got the better of them.

It’s brilliant that your DD has told you. I think you must tell school. It is imperative that the bullied child is supported but also your DD may well need support and encouragement to stop bullying if she is feeling pushed to do things by a strong character.

I think it’s easy to think that at 8, how can it be ‘that bad’ but if I were to share a list of the incidents of mean behaviour my DD has been on the receiving end of, many would be surprised at just how calculated, sly and downright mean some little girls can be. And the effect ricochets on for ages for the bullied child. We’re still dealing with anxiety about school several months down the line.

You need to tell the teacher. Explain your daughter has told you her part in it and that you have dealt with it.
If there are other girls bullying this one girl, the teacher needs to know so that she can deal with the others.

@OliveLion definitely tell the school!! the poor child who is being bullied must feel terrible. perhaps even suicidal!!!! try and get your daughter to befriend this child and include her. I hate bullies of all ages!! girls are definitely the worst.

For the other child's sake I would report it to the school

Talk to your DD about why she behaved the way she did. Get her to reflect and vocalise it. Is she sacred the bully will turn on her? And if that happened, how would she respond? Did she get swept away by the influence of the crowd? What could she have done differently? How does her behaviour make her feel? If she stuck up for this girl and challenged the bully, how would she feel then?

Instead of making her feel like a terrible person, really try to talk it through with her. We only become better people through self awareness and reflecting on how and why we’ve behaved in certain ways in the past. And a lot of adults never achieve that level of self awareness.