How to raise a boy ...

[Confused19831983]

I am a first time mum to a wonderful (in my eyes anyway, ha, ha) boy who is 16 months old.
Like most mums (I imagine), I would love for him to grow up to become happy, resilient, kind and hard working.
Mums of older boys, have you any advice?
What worked for you? What didn't?
What is the most important thing?
Baby is lucky enough to have an amazing hands on dad who will be a positive role model in his life.

Well I’ve got one of each so DH and I can hardly raise them in completely different ways. They do broadly similar activities and have the same expectations from us. We love them both the same and show it in a similar way.

at the moment they are both little but as they get older and we start to have those more grown up issues and conversations- of course the advice/opinion we give will take into account their sexes.

Sorry the quote failed. I was responding to @CurlewKate and the idea that you can’t raise boys and girls in the same way

Thank you for this. Manners are important to me. He can't speak yet (well not beyond "ok", "yes" and "that"). He points to what he wants at the moment! As soon as understands I will be making sure he says please and thank you. Great to know it becomes the norm if consistent!

Thank you!
I am not sporty at all. I hated it at school. I was more bookish I suppose.
His dad is a bit better!
We're quite active and go out walking a lot so hopefully that will help.
But equally I will make sure he has the opportunity to get involved in whatever sport he wants to.

I would ask this to be moved to the feminism board. Loads more informed advice there.

As with any child, consistency, routine, rules and boundaries you stick to and make sure they know you love them regardless. Don't fob off naughty behaviour, especially in the younger years.
Specific to boys, respect yourself so he learns women should be respected, don't be a martyr, teach him that the household is his to look after too. Don't stay in any relationship that teaches him the opposite of those things, be it a friendship, family member or partner.

Obviously there are lots of common factors when raising boys and girls. But I think there are lots of differences too- or there should be if we want to combat some of the society norms and expectations our children are growing up with. For example-anger. I know I am speaking in generalities. But in general, women tend to be wary of expressing anger and often turn in on themselves in a destructive way. Men often contain it-then express it outwardly in a destructive way. We can help them learn healthy ways to deal with their emotions when they are little. Boys need good male role models-they can't be what they can't see.

Incidentally- it's interesting that Mumsnet is full of women giving examples of how men could be better. But the suggestion of ways to raise the next generation differently are always met with resistance.

And they need to see men being good partners and fathers. This doesn't mean being in a traditional nuclear family.Modelling a respectful separated relationship is just as important-maybe even more so.

I'm going to contradict myself a bit because I would initially say don't get too preoccupied about the sex element.

If he has a strong male role model that's already a brilliant start, assuming you (which I think you do) mean a hands on parent who shares the parental load...not a 1950s stereotype of a financial provider!)

But on the other hand, I definitely think there's something about acknowledging the difference. In my area they run a 'raising boys' course (not sure if you have this in your area) so it's definitely a 'thing'. It's either free or a negligible cost. My friend went and said it was really good and I think focused around how boys tend to follow instructions differently from girls and how to navigate this. I believe it was likely advertised by a children's centre or similar.

When he gets older, I also think it's important that he has an awareness of women's experiences. By this I mean little things like how it can feel for a woman to walk alone at night...and how he can do his bit to ease this anxiety by not walking with his hood up and by keeping his distance and crossing the road away from her, rather than towards her etc.

I agree that sport (or rather fitness...not all kids are sporty) is really important. I would personally advocate for football although I know there are mixed views on this! Also healthy eating.

I'm a feminist mother of a son (7) and a daughter (4). My advice:

• lead by example. Children learn from their parents. This means it's really important for you and your partner to share the parenting and household responsibilities; for your children to see their father (and not just their mother) doing cooking and cleaning, for them to see you going out to (paid) work if that's what you choose, and for them to observe a respectful relationship between the two of you.

• Don't always be the default parent - make sure there are times you step back and leave it to your partner to take responsibility.

• talk about emotions, model and teach healthy ways of dealing with emotions... little things like my mum often says "don't cry" and I never say that to either of my children, it's a good thing to express our emotions. If angry it's totally ok to express that but not ok to be physically aggressive or insult others, etc.

• respect other people's boundaries, ask them if they want a hug/kiss and don't do it if they say no. Equally if playing with someone and they say "stop" or "I don't like it", you stop straight away. I am really hot on this. I am also pointing out the less obvious signs that someone is no longer enjoying it (eg if DD was laughing but then starts showing signs she is upset or scared) to help DS to recognise them - I think this is something he can struggle with as he is neurodivergent and also can get carried away.

• we have always challenged gender stereotypes about things being "for boys" and "for girls", we've said they are for everyone - it is really hard though because once they start school the influences are very strong. We just say "oh some people think pink is just for girls but we think that's silly, we think pink is for everyone" etc.

• teach them the correct words for body parts, we use "Willy" and "fanny" most of the time but have also taught them "penis" and "vulva".