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How to raise a boy ...

60 replies

Confused19831983 · 07/10/2024 09:46

I am a first time mum to a wonderful (in my eyes anyway, ha, ha) boy who is 16 months old.
Like most mums (I imagine), I would love for him to grow up to become happy, resilient, kind and hard working.
Mums of older boys, have you any advice?
What worked for you? What didn't?
What is the most important thing?
Baby is lucky enough to have an amazing hands on dad who will be a positive role model in his life.

OP posts:
Borka · 07/10/2024 11:36

Hoppinggreen · 07/10/2024 10:59

I have a 15 year old boy and while he can be a bit of an arse at home every one he meets and all his friends parents who have spent any time with him say hes a delight.
I think its down to a few things really
Luck (no SN or outside influences that we have no control over)
Communication (both ways)
Strong boundaries - Hes MUCH bigger than me but I can still make him behave with "the look"
Lots of love and laughter
Good role models - his Dads a goodun
Never thinking "boys will be boys" - hold him to high standards
Good school so surrounded by mostly decent well behaved kids

I hope you didn't mean it this way, but it's quite horrible to suggest that it's impossible to raise a boy to be a decent person if they have SN.

ComingBackHome · 07/10/2024 11:41

My advice would be

  • talk about feelings. A lot. Help them name their feelings and acknowledge it’s ok to feel hurt, to cry etc…
  • Teach them empathy and problem solving
  • have them participate to house life - clearing table, cleaning, tidying right from the start. At 16 months old, he can already put his (plastic) plate and glass in the dishwasher.
  • be sure he sees his dad do some HW etc… and encourage dad to talk about feelings (see point 1) too.
  • read books with lots of female characters. So he knows women can also be scientist, engineer, make discoveries etc…..
  • be mindful of other book and cartoons. Many are actually perpetuating all the wrong ideas. Incl adverts btw
  • never ever ‘let them be boys’ meaning messy, unable to sit down, hitting etc….
MissyB1 · 07/10/2024 11:44

Yuck hate that book, I chucked that horrible stereotyping nonsense in the bin!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

MissyB1 · 07/10/2024 11:45

MissyB1 · 07/10/2024 11:44

Yuck hate that book, I chucked that horrible stereotyping nonsense in the bin!

Sorry quote fail, it was about the Raising Boys book by Steve Biddulph, it gave me the rage!

JemOfAWoman · 07/10/2024 11:45

Teach him to be self reliant, teach him to cook, clean, tidy up after himself and care for animals. Teach him the value of money from an early age and most importantly to be kind.

Good luck OP

ComingBackHome · 07/10/2024 11:46

MissyB1 · 07/10/2024 11:45

Sorry quote fail, it was about the Raising Boys book by Steve Biddulph, it gave me the rage!

YY to that!!

Edingril · 07/10/2024 11:49

One thing I wouldn't do is teach them that being male makes them an enemy who should be locked up just because they were born male and all women are saints

Hoppinggreen · 07/10/2024 11:53

Confused19831983 · 07/10/2024 11:14

Thank you for this. He has a good role model in his dad and the three of us laugh a lot together. I worry a little bit about holding him to high standards and having boundaries as at the moment whenever I tell him "no" he just thinks it's hilarious. Hopefully this will change as he gets older!

The other thing I would say is to make sure you and your H have eachothers backs, I think this is especially important as a woman. If your H ever undermines you when you discipline or even speak to your son then it will lead to real issues and him possibly beliving that a woman isn't worth listening to
"wait until your father gets home" is a really bad way to parent

Notaflippinclue · 07/10/2024 12:02

Jordan Petersons - 12 rules for life

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/10/2024 12:03

Assuming you and your boy’s father are decent people, be yourselves. It will rub off.

Meadowfinch · 07/10/2024 12:11

Plenty of fun, (age appropriate) experiences, socialisation.

Some sort of child care or nursery before school so he's chilled out in a range of environment.

Then love, care and support.

I'm a single mum with a 16yo DS. He's turned out ok. He's kind, calm, confident, hard working. Eats a HUGE quantity of food though 😀

ChampaignSupernova · 07/10/2024 12:27

Gentle parenting might be worth looking into. Many seem to confuse it with passive parenting but it is not! Big Little Feelings on Instagram is a great starting point. You don't even need to enroll in the course as you can pick up the style from the posts they share. It takes some practice but it allows children to express emotions but be shown a healthy way to do so. It stops the forced sharing which leads to people pleasing etc.

He is still too young for learning empathy etc but the tracks can be laid

AceofPentacles · 07/10/2024 12:34

Have the difficult conversations
Puberty
Porn
Homophobia
Sexism
And so on

Remember - relationship over rules, start early. When they are teenagers it's too late to start confiscating stuff for punishment and it doesn't work anyway. Negotiation is your friend

CurlewKate · 07/10/2024 12:38

I absolutely disagree about raising them the same. The societal pressures on boys and girls are still incredibly different. It's naive to suggest otherwise.

RedRobyn2021 · 07/10/2024 13:04

I would say, responsive parenting

Read anything by Sarah Ockwell Smith

I've also read that there has needs to be lots of opportunity to move their body and do risky play

But I do agree with the first comment about how I wouldn't worry about the sex

Confused19831983 · 07/10/2024 13:44

Thanks so much for all of the replies, I have loved reading them.
I will look at the resources and books mentioned.
I am hyper aware of gender stereotypes and I try to avoid them but it's difficult as they are ubiquitous.
While kids are very young there are few differences between the sexes, I believe, but as some have said, the pressures and challenges are different as they get older.

OP posts:
RamblingEclectic · 07/10/2024 13:57

I think to be resilient, kind, and hard working, part of it is teaching that we may not be happy in the moment, no one is always happy or always any other emotion - understanding and accepting emotions are fleeting, and there is a satisfaction from living those qualities even when we aren't happy in the moment.

An important thing at this stage is being around people who have the qualities you want. Find community groups you all can grow with as a family and in a few years, activities he can do without you that support those qualities and support him where he's at as part of the wider community. I found St John Ambulance Badgers good for this, when my older son was a SJA cadet he had over 100 hours of volunteering before he was 15.

Most of what I can think of involve much older children and depend on a lot of of factors - it worked for us to be structured home educators for primary and I think part of why my kids engaged well when they chose to go to secondary was that it was their active choice, but I lived in an area that's long been a blackhole of education and had bad school options. If you're in a better area, you'll have more options. Similar with tech, what type of conversations - you'll likely need to have on-going ones as he gets older about how he's perceived can be very different to his intent, with my older son, this was mostly around how he can appear intimidating or dismissive when he doesn't mean to be and how to be more aware of that, with my older daughter, well, she once shouted how she has the right to express her emotions however she wants, whenever she wants and I had to pull her up on that not being the case and a lot more conversations about interpersonal conflicts where emotions were or appeared to be used to manipulate.

I think the most important overall is keeping communication going, accepting that any ideas on best practice for this are limited and accept practice and ourselves will likely need to change over time for the child. One thing that didn't work for me and I regret with my 20 year old is putting big issues on small shoulders. When my kids were young, we went to rallies including about violence against women, we had those conversations as everyone says to do, as I thought were needed and then at 8 he started to talk about all boys and men in a very negative way, one I remember is him just coming out with guys being oppressors just to keep women down while looking sadly at his sisters and his father and I had to do damage control. Not all of it could be repaired - we had major issues when he was in college of him not getting help he was entitled to because 'other people need it more'. When he was stalked and sexually harassed as a 15 year old by adult women, he was terrified, found by school staff hiding, but he wouldn't get support after because 'others need it more'. It's stuck in his head that resources are limited and as a guy, especially one that usually passes for White and able, he has to step back and put his needs aside to avoid being the oppressor. He's a kind young man who is can be happy, hard working and appears resilient, we have a great relationship, but I have my fears at times that he'll end up in a bad state with this mindset. Awkward to admit that it took many conversations with my husband and watching my kids grow to see that while it's true that men don't understand women, I equally will never really know what it's like for boys and men while there is more media on guys, it's just as distorted as the media on us. I changed more to focus on mutual communication and mutual understanding, which helped a lot, if not as much as I'd like.

PiggieWig · 07/10/2024 13:58

I’ve raised two boys to adulthood without much input from their father. In my experience, it’s been good for them to have been raised by a strong mum who has taught them a lot about gender equality etc.
However they would have benefited from more input from male role models.

They need a physical output - sports, martial arts, dance, whatever floats their boat, but channel their energy into fitness.

Extra curricular stuff diverts them away from a lot of more negative influences when they are teens but at that age they don’t want to try new things, so introduce them to hobbies young.

Teach them it’s ok to show their feelings and let them out in healthy ways.

Some boys are sensitive to being told they are innately threatening to women, so be positive about how they can be a good partner/friend/sibling in an encouraging way that gives them confidence in their existence.

Caitlin Moran’s book ‘What About Men’ is really good. It shows how our boys are being damaged by the patriarchal bullshit too.

Attelina · 07/10/2024 14:22

Take out the God bits if you are not religious -

medium.com/@eviabada/how-i-am-raising-my-children-the-old-fashioned-way-f601ee9f1ac1

Attelina · 07/10/2024 14:29

Another good read

carolvz.wordpress.com/2010/02/12/raising-children-the-old-fashioned-way/

Confused19831983 · 13/10/2024 08:00

RamblingEclectic · 07/10/2024 13:57

I think to be resilient, kind, and hard working, part of it is teaching that we may not be happy in the moment, no one is always happy or always any other emotion - understanding and accepting emotions are fleeting, and there is a satisfaction from living those qualities even when we aren't happy in the moment.

An important thing at this stage is being around people who have the qualities you want. Find community groups you all can grow with as a family and in a few years, activities he can do without you that support those qualities and support him where he's at as part of the wider community. I found St John Ambulance Badgers good for this, when my older son was a SJA cadet he had over 100 hours of volunteering before he was 15.

Most of what I can think of involve much older children and depend on a lot of of factors - it worked for us to be structured home educators for primary and I think part of why my kids engaged well when they chose to go to secondary was that it was their active choice, but I lived in an area that's long been a blackhole of education and had bad school options. If you're in a better area, you'll have more options. Similar with tech, what type of conversations - you'll likely need to have on-going ones as he gets older about how he's perceived can be very different to his intent, with my older son, this was mostly around how he can appear intimidating or dismissive when he doesn't mean to be and how to be more aware of that, with my older daughter, well, she once shouted how she has the right to express her emotions however she wants, whenever she wants and I had to pull her up on that not being the case and a lot more conversations about interpersonal conflicts where emotions were or appeared to be used to manipulate.

I think the most important overall is keeping communication going, accepting that any ideas on best practice for this are limited and accept practice and ourselves will likely need to change over time for the child. One thing that didn't work for me and I regret with my 20 year old is putting big issues on small shoulders. When my kids were young, we went to rallies including about violence against women, we had those conversations as everyone says to do, as I thought were needed and then at 8 he started to talk about all boys and men in a very negative way, one I remember is him just coming out with guys being oppressors just to keep women down while looking sadly at his sisters and his father and I had to do damage control. Not all of it could be repaired - we had major issues when he was in college of him not getting help he was entitled to because 'other people need it more'. When he was stalked and sexually harassed as a 15 year old by adult women, he was terrified, found by school staff hiding, but he wouldn't get support after because 'others need it more'. It's stuck in his head that resources are limited and as a guy, especially one that usually passes for White and able, he has to step back and put his needs aside to avoid being the oppressor. He's a kind young man who is can be happy, hard working and appears resilient, we have a great relationship, but I have my fears at times that he'll end up in a bad state with this mindset. Awkward to admit that it took many conversations with my husband and watching my kids grow to see that while it's true that men don't understand women, I equally will never really know what it's like for boys and men while there is more media on guys, it's just as distorted as the media on us. I changed more to focus on mutual communication and mutual understanding, which helped a lot, if not as much as I'd like.

Thank you for your post. I am sorry to hear about the struggles your boy faced at school and I hope he is doing well now. I guess it's difficult to strike a balance between making sure they are informed and ensuring they don't dwell on these big issues from too young an age. I have heard good things about St John's Ambulance so will be looking into this when he's older Smile

OP posts:
Confused19831983 · 13/10/2024 08:01

PiggieWig · 07/10/2024 13:58

I’ve raised two boys to adulthood without much input from their father. In my experience, it’s been good for them to have been raised by a strong mum who has taught them a lot about gender equality etc.
However they would have benefited from more input from male role models.

They need a physical output - sports, martial arts, dance, whatever floats their boat, but channel their energy into fitness.

Extra curricular stuff diverts them away from a lot of more negative influences when they are teens but at that age they don’t want to try new things, so introduce them to hobbies young.

Teach them it’s ok to show their feelings and let them out in healthy ways.

Some boys are sensitive to being told they are innately threatening to women, so be positive about how they can be a good partner/friend/sibling in an encouraging way that gives them confidence in their existence.

Caitlin Moran’s book ‘What About Men’ is really good. It shows how our boys are being damaged by the patriarchal bullshit too.

Thank you for your post. All good advice. I will take a look at that book by Caitlin Moran. I have enjoyed her other stuff. Thank you again.

OP posts:
Seagall · 13/10/2024 08:03

Confused19831983 · 07/10/2024 10:11

Thanks for this post, I appreciate it. I think this is what I worry about and am so eager to avoid. Hopefully, having positive male role models in his life will help.

Yes it will and not just his dad. Make sure he has others.

MatchsticksForMyEyesReturns · 13/10/2024 08:06

I have DS14 and DD16. I also teach secondary. My advice would be model the behaviour you want to see, put a lot of emphasis on being specific when praising good behaviour. My son in particular is much more likely to repeat behaviour that gets good feedback from me. For manners, I never let them have anything without saying please and thank you from very young. It quickly became routine. Their manners are often noted by others. Teach him how to share, how to lose games without it being a big deal and how to notice others' feelings.

FeetupTvon · 13/10/2024 08:07

If I could give you any advice it would be get them involved in sport!
If they enjoy sport and you can afford to- let them try lots of various sports to see what they enjoy the most.
Boys need to channel their energy, so that energy needs to be channelled in the correct way.
Sport teaches discipline, listening skills, respect and so much more.

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