Girl with suspected ASD (Aspergers type), how can we help

[Volare123]

Hi all,

It's becoming clearer that DD, almost 7 yo, has ASD (the Aspergers type). She didn't have any speech delay, no communication issues, no social issues until around age 5 - 6. Now at almost 7 she's struggling to make friends, particularly at school. I think some of the girls in her class do like her and tried to be friends but somehow DD is always alone, left out. She's clumsy socially and I think young for her age. She's feeling like she is different and doesn't understand what's wrong with her. Hence, from a super happy, confident, chatty and bubbly girl she's becoming more and more sad and withdrawn.

When she goes to playgrounds she always find children to play with (briefly) and she does crave social interactions.

She's only got one friend left now whom we meet once every 2 weeks as she lives about 15 miles away and only comes to her granny every 2 weeks. She's missing her all the time as she has no one else. She used to have loads of friends when she was 4 but some ended being horrible to her (hence we stopped meeting them).

I have no idea how to help her make new friends as her struggles have taken us all by surprise.

Can anyone relate to this? Is there any support available? I've put her on a waiting list for Brownies and I've searched local support groups online but couldn't find anything that would fit DD.

My nephew says he has Asperger’s that is the way and sees and defines his autism. We take his lead and support his preferred terminology. I tell everyone my daughter has high functioning autism she is 10 years old. When she is older if she would like her autism described differently than that is what we will do. People need to stop policing other people’s language on these boards . It’s exhausting

I was diagnosed last year, at 63.
The medical professional who diagnosed me said “Asperger’s” type.

By the way @Volare123 you described my early life perfectly. I’m glad you’re aware of your daughter’s experiences and needs.
Best wishes to you.

This.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

My DS has a structured social life. He has an activity every day of the week. Some people are shocked at how much he does, but that's what he needs. So he does things like jujutsu where it's fun, but very controlled.

I love these supports ‘scaffolding’ you have put around your daughter. It cheers me to see a child being nurtured so well. I was diagnosed last year (aged 63) and so many of these coping mechanisms I found myself or were suggested by family members over the years eg the weighted blanket to aid sleep. Good for you 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

This. Structured interaction is best, so find clubs and groups where all attendees are involved. A playground with no structured games or interactions is hell.
Arrange play dates where you or another adult supervises structured activities, e.g. playing board games together, not just 'leaving them to play'.

For the future, look for a secondary school with a longer lunchbreak and clubs on during the break, and lots of after-school clubs - some have as little as 40 mins lunch and no clubs at lunchtime. Paradoxically a bigger school is better, 2000+ pupils, so there will be greater variety of children and clubs and she can 'find her tribe'.

I think the terminology around autism can sometimes be very label-focused, and as I see it, the OP is seeking coping strategies for a child that displays some ND traits. It’s possible to offer coping suggestions to the OP without focusing on whether there is a diagnosis.

Not saying this is the case for your DD but there are so many behaviour children pick up and learn from peers at school. Do you think she's picked up some of these or have they come naturally to her without influence?

I have to say I'm not surprised she doesn't meet the criteria (yet, as you say) but it's not to say she couldn't meet it later.

No, these behaviours have come naturally. I don't see anyone else behaving like that and I can see how different she is when I help with school trips.

I think she'll eventually be diagnosed in her secondary school, possibly earlier, I can absolutely see that.

Supporting Your Neurodiverse Child is very helpful

www.snappcf.org.uk/supporting-your-neurodiverse-child/

I know autistic people ( including my son) who'd disagree with you there;

An occupational therapist can assist with social skills / making friends. Often they will run social skills courses over the holidays for groups of children. Agree with joining clubs /activities - my autistic daughter thrives at netball - we also found a dungeons & dragons club at the local library which she loves.

Agree with a 'low demand' home. We don't do too much / aren't too social and follow the kids' lead re what they can do. A lot of consistency and routine.

And always ensure the three fundamentals are right for her - sleep, diet and exercise.

I would consider looking into the ADHD diagnosis. All three of my kids are academically gifted and have ADHD. They are doing very well at school, scholarships etc, but coping more easily with school since diagnosis and medication. My daughters' ADHD would not have been picked up if I hadn't been so familiar with ADHD from having a son with it. I really pushed that diagnosis and am so glad I did.

Social anxiety may also be worth looking up and seeing if any of the symptoms align with your daughter's challenges.

They've stopped using the term 'high functioning autism' too. It implies those who are not so easy to communicate with are somehow low functioning.

But functionally, aren't they 'low functioning'?

Many people don't use that term as a statement of worth but of practicality.

I wish we'd just use the levels of ASD of 1,2 and 3. It's unhelpful to call it all ASD with such a huge range of needs and behaviours. Everyone knows why you man by Asperger's and plenty of ASD people still describe themselves as such. The thread police can fuck off

Doesn't surprise me about the NHS - they are snowed under and i think they are having to fob off folks just to keep the lists shorter.

Also does not surprise me re educational psychologist. Although, in some areas, diagnosis by ed psych is acceptable, that is not gold standard.

It was not recognised until this deluge of referrals in recent times.

Ed psychs are part of the education service.

What you need is a CLINICAL psychologist (or psychiatrist, though doesn't need to be psychiatrist since no meds for autism)

Clinical psychiatrists are part of the health service and good ones adhere to NICE guidance.

Asd diagnosis - you need a multi disciplinary team to assess your child. Hence the high price. And long NHS wait times - it is a thorough process.

Usually speech and language therapists, clinical psychologist, parents and school teachers all take part.

Will p.m you at a more civilised hour! Yes, i have experience of private and NHS autism assessments.

How is she getting on academically? Is there anything in school that may affect her socially?

And I know autistic people (including myself) who wouldn't. Funny how these things work, hey!

https://www.theautismservice.co.uk/news/what-makes-a-good-autism-assessment/

This might be helpful to people.

I have known instances where an ed psych has looked at a child - not done any formal assessments at all - there has maybe been a meeting with school staff and parents - and then a 'diagnosis' of autism is given.

Although ed psychs, teachers, etc might be right on the money, this sort of diagnosis is just not the way to go. It is only becoming accepted now due to budget pressures but it just is not thorough enough for an accurate diagnosis with comprehensive recommendations to support the child.

Once your child gets a 'gold standard' assessment - that report will be accepted anywhere. And, although a diagnosis is not strictly necessary to access DLA/PIP - this report will go a long way to securing a successful outcome.

You need to go through your GP (or NHS professional, speech and lang t for eg) to get at NHS assessment. Or private. Schools will not do this one.

Thank you for your advice, very helpful. Can I ask what ADHD traits did your DD show? I do wonder about DD sometimes but she's absolute perfection at school re behaviour and the school have no concerns about ADHD. She did use to zone out a bit in Y1 and struggled to finish her work but got much better and focused now.

Academically she's doing very well, although I don't think she thinks that of herself. There are 2 - 3 girls in the class who are academically more advanced and I wonder if she's comparing herself to them and feels inferior. We are not very pushy as I feel down time is so important for a child like her.

Schools should never give a ‘diagnosis’ like this, it’s really out of order. They are not clinicians, have not been trained etc.
If your DD has already been assessed and was not given a diagnosis, then you’re likely barking up the wrong tree.
Some children don’t make friends easily, some children are more ‘popular’ than others within a class. You’ve already made a start by getting on a Brownies waiting list, sadly there are not enough Brownie leaders so lists are quite long. Have a look at something like a girls football team. dance or swimming classes likely won’t help because they’re not ‘team’ activities. Have you tried arranging after school play dates?

The other children won't be disliking her 'because of autism'. They will be disliking her because of very specific behaviours.

For example:
Does she always thinks she knows best, so is bossy during games?
Does she find it difficult to negotiate how a game should go, so it has to be her way or she will drop out?
Does she only talk about things that interest her? Does she talk about her hobbies and interests far too much? Does she show any interest in what the other children talk about?

Are you able to arrange times when you can unobtrusively observe her play with other children for a length of time in an unstructured environment, to see if you can identify where she is going wrong? Then when she come to you upset you could gently offer her helpful hints.

ask the school to make a referral and to keep an eye on her friendship issues and her neurodiverse traits