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Lighthearted. If you became leader of the universe...

69 replies

OverthinkingOlive · 05/10/2024 17:10

What new rules would you put into place?

  1. People who spit on the floor would be fined £100,000 every single time. With increasing interest
  1. People would be breathalysed before boarding a plane - and turned away if levels were too high
  1. Crisps and fucking annoying rustling wrappers would be banned from all public transport and cinemas
  1. Love Island would be scrapped and any contestant on any TV show would have to sign a contract promising to return to obscurity at the end of the show
  1. Self service checkouts do not exist
OP posts:
idrinkandknowthings · 05/10/2024 19:20

Fuck right off! Cat is King 👑

@OverthinkingOlive We're in my kingdom now OP and dogs rule! Take your cat and leave! 🤣

OverthinkingOlive · 05/10/2024 19:25

idrinkandknowthings · 05/10/2024 19:20

Fuck right off! Cat is King 👑

@OverthinkingOlive We're in my kingdom now OP and dogs rule! Take your cat and leave! 🤣

Absolutely fucking NOT! Meow!! Take your poo bag and get out!

#TeamPuss

OP posts:
MardyBra · 05/10/2024 19:25

I would ban the use of the term ‘light hearted’ in MN thread titles.

OverthinkingOlive · 05/10/2024 19:25

idrinkandknowthings · 05/10/2024 19:20

Fuck right off! Cat is King 👑

@OverthinkingOlive We're in my kingdom now OP and dogs rule! Take your cat and leave! 🤣

😜

OP posts:
HeyMicky · 05/10/2024 19:29

Running in the office = instant death

NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/10/2024 19:29

idrinkandknowthings · 05/10/2024 19:05

Oh and I'd ban cats.

I'd ban people who want to ban cats.

Those herds of sheep and deer might become a little problematic over time as their population grows. I'd reintroduce wolves, elk, bears, and lynx, along with fully supporting a fuller reintroduction and protection for Beaver and Otters.

Naturally, systemic pesticides would be out the door so that bees and insects have a chance to exist, I'd subsidise organic production and traditional mixed farming with encouragement for reinstating proper hedgerows, drystone walling, heavily encourage the use of horses over cars (thus also providing significant free and readily available fertiliser) and anybody proposing we expand into other worlds is made to sit in a darkened room and work out how to fix the mess we've made of this world before we're ever allowed to go and bugger up somewhere else.

Every home would have to have a decently sized sink and garden space, along with enough room to get a sofa or bed in through the front door. All washing and cleaning products would be environmentally safe, as would all cosmetics.

Oh, and unless it's for medical purposes, plastic will be banned. That way, you do get your injections, your removable casts and braces and suchlike, but you do not get your manky bags, plastic hairclips or googly head ornaments.

PostmanSplat · 05/10/2024 19:33

It would be illegal on public transport to hold the book you’re reading so I can’t see the title. I’d like to judge your reading taste.

Cheesecakecookie · 05/10/2024 19:38

People who dawdle would be arrested.

People who wander in front if you aimlessly would be arrested. People who wander aimlessly in front of ME would be tasered and then arrested.

Boris Johnson would be put in solitary confinement.

People who harm animals would be shot.

NPET · 06/10/2024 00:07

idrinkandknowthings · 05/10/2024 19:05

Oh and I'd ban cats.

Well you've just sealed your own fate now.

Candyfluffs · 06/10/2024 00:14

Change the earth into a beautiful, elven world reminiscent of LOTR and banish the unworthy like the current pm and co to another, forgotten about dimension.

TheHangingGardensOfBasildon · 06/10/2024 00:31
  1. Women - sorry, persons with Vs - ALWAYS take preference over men - sorry persons with Ps.
  2. Any person with a P smaller than 5 inches/12.2 centimetres has no rights.

Those two statements sound somewhat cognitively dissonant to me. So you're OK if you have a P over 5 inches or under 0 inches (i.e. none at all), but anything in between and you're a non-person?!

AyrshireTryer · 06/10/2024 00:35

Bans on
Leafblowers
Letterboxes at less than waist height
Mobile phones held anywhere but to a person's ear
Dropping litter
Blocking the pavement with silly signs of any kind
Poor spelling/grammar - there, too, amount rather than number, less and fewer etc
Boris Johnson
Reality TV - Chelsea, Geordie etc
Celebrity TV - Ice skating, dancing, sewing, baking etc
No music playing on public transport
Very small, yappy dogs.
Sniffing
Using power tools on a sunny relaxing weekend
Suits in offices

Must have/bring back
A clear house numbers
A nice drama serial on a Sunday
More public toilets
More litter bins
More benches
Chocolate bars should go back to normal size
More crisps in packets of crisps
Early closing on a Wednesday
More libraries

NPET · 06/10/2024 14:28

TheHangingGardensOfBasildon · 06/10/2024 00:31

  1. Women - sorry, persons with Vs - ALWAYS take preference over men - sorry persons with Ps.
  2. Any person with a P smaller than 5 inches/12.2 centimetres has no rights.

Those two statements sound somewhat cognitively dissonant to me. So you're OK if you have a P over 5 inches or under 0 inches (i.e. none at all), but anything in between and you're a non-person?!

Sorry - your comment didn't come up on my feed.
But, basically, yes.
But the way you've phrased it makes it sound as if w all have Ps - just that ours don't show!
I'd just say that IF you have a p (I don't) it needs to be of a decent size.

sharpclawedkitten · 06/10/2024 14:36

How many rules am I allowed to have? Here are a few, anyway.

I agree with no dogs in indoor public spaces (in fact I'd say private spaces too like offices). Guide/service dogs only.

No pavement parking.

Audi drivers required to do a further driving test.

I know this would be really expensive, but a zebra crossing at the end of every side road to make clear pedestrians have priority.

Loads more investment in bike lanes but in return cyclists have to use them. No MAMILs riding alongside perfectly usable cycle paths (I know some aren't, but a lot are safe, separate cycle lanes and they still won't use them).

Only silent fireworks allowed.

No garden bonfires.

Quiet carriages on trains to mean just that. And while we're on trains, if trains are more than 5 minutes late you get an automatic partial refund, you don't have to wait 15/30 minutes.

Two lanes on all pavements so fast walkers can get where they need to without dodging the slow coaches. Slow coaches veering into fast lane will be tasered love this!

sharpclawedkitten · 06/10/2024 14:38

I've thought of another one - I am not anti-bike, but do something about all the hire bikes that people just leave in the middle of a pavement. And generally anything in the way on a pavement. How are people with mobility difficulties or visual impairments supposed to walk down a pavement when there are so many obstacles.

And: all companies have to have an email address and a phone number available to customers, and they have to reply to that email address and answer calls and not hide behind chatbots!

sharpclawedkitten · 06/10/2024 14:39

Also agree with more bins and more libraries. Also longer opening hours for tips and libraries and you can use any library and any tip.

I'd also do away with Sunday trading laws and allow the market to decide.

Also sort out building regulations so newly built and renovated houses are of decent quality.

EmpressaurusDeiGatti · 06/10/2024 14:54

Love the ones about no noisy wrappers in cinemas & phones only transmitting sound through headphones, although I would limit that to when in public.

If anyone over the age of 10 tried to ride a bike or scooter on a pavement, their wheels would lock.

Public transport and cycle lanes would be so good that most people simply wouldn’t bother to drive.

Anyone who has a cat and didn’t bother to get her / him neutered would have one chance to do it before being charged with cruelty to animals.

EmpressaurusDeiGatti · 06/10/2024 14:58

Two lanes on all pavements so fast walkers can get where they need to without dodging the slow coaches. Slow coaches veering into fast lane will be tasered love this!

We need this within tube stations too! It’s incredibly annoying to be stuck behind someone who’s walking slowly along staring at their phone.

Also anyone who clogs up the left lane on tube escalators should magically be returned to their entry station and made to start their journey again from scratch. That goes for people who walk very slowly as well as the ones who just stand in the wrong place.

YellowSundress · 06/10/2024 16:21

At least one self service checkout mandatory in all stores. They're amazing for some disabled people.

Davros · 07/10/2024 09:08

@sharpclawedkitten And: all companies have to have an email address and a phone number available to customers, and they have to reply to that email address and answer calls and not hide behind chatbots!
Best one yet!

Healingsfall · 07/10/2024 09:22

PadstowGirl · 05/10/2024 18:15

I would imprison anyone who walks to their car in a busy car park, then takes half an hour to get in: fasten seat belt, apply make up, eat sandwich, read a fucking newspaper etc while people queue for a space.

I'd apply this to petrol stations too! They wander into the shop, have a browse, pay, wander out at a leisurely pace, get in their car, check their makeup/hair/face, faff about, adjust the radio, sloooowly put their seat belt on, have another think, then pull away sloowly. Just get in your bloody car and move! Or better still, pay at pump!

FeedingThem · 07/10/2024 09:49

All houses empty for more than five years will be compulsory purchased. If no owner can be found, average market rate for the property will be kept aside for ten years. After ten years it will go back into the pot. Council will then do up the house and rent it our at a reasonable rate.

Any landlord found to have dodgy crap housing stock will have to swap their home with their tenants until it's brought up to standard.

Every child will be gifted a bike, helmet and pads on their first day of year 1 where they will learn to ride.

Wherever possible, public green spaces will be rewilded and anyone caught littering or setting up fires will be put in the public stocks.

All cigarettes and vapes will be outlawed, help and support will be readily accessible.

The prime time TV show will seek to set up aliens from other planets with humans in order to interbreed the species.

Prisoners will be held off planet and prisons knocked down. In it's space will be grass lands, community spaces or supported living sites

TheHangingGardensOfBasildon · 07/10/2024 14:23

Not just wrappers on sweets in the cinema, but Starburst for eating anywhere, as the wrappers on them are so fiddly and irritating and take an age to remove.

Law one bans Starburst from being sold with wrappers - just the outer bag, into which you can delve - without looking if you're otherwise preoccupied and/or like a flavour surprise - and stuff place the sweet straight into your mouth.

Law two re-instates their proper historical dignity and their name reverts back to Opal Fruits, with a prison sentence for anybody who refuses/forgets.

EmpressaurusDeiGatti · 07/10/2024 14:31

Homes can only belong to people who are either going to live in them themselves, or rent them out to people who will live in them.

idrinkandknowthings · 07/10/2024 16:05

TheHangingGardensOfBasildon · 07/10/2024 14:23

Not just wrappers on sweets in the cinema, but Starburst for eating anywhere, as the wrappers on them are so fiddly and irritating and take an age to remove.

Law one bans Starburst from being sold with wrappers - just the outer bag, into which you can delve - without looking if you're otherwise preoccupied and/or like a flavour surprise - and stuff place the sweet straight into your mouth.

Law two re-instates their proper historical dignity and their name reverts back to Opal Fruits, with a prison sentence for anybody who refuses/forgets.

Never have I seen such passion for Opal Fruits. A good quality, delicious, all round chewy sensation. Well done.

If I become supreme leader, you can become my Secretary of State for Confectionary.