How do you accept ‘failing’ at life

[ASDnocareer]

I have autism and deep down always knew I would find it harder to achieve ‘normal’ things but I still desperately craved having some resemblance of a normal life.
I didn’t expect to achieve anything exceptional, I’m not materialistic, but I will confess I didn’t expect to mess up this badly.

I dreamed of having a partner, family, some kind of career path which gave me job security, a pension, and maybe even a home one day.

Instead I have been single my entire life despite using apps, having friends and hobbies. Stuck in low skilled work despite attending career events, graduating with a 2.1 and doing an industrial placement (with good performance reviews). I live in a flatshare, living paycheck to paycheck without saving for my pension, and money is constantly a worry.
I (perhaps naively) haven’t stopped trying by the way, to this day I still desperately apply for a wide range of entry level roles but my chances are only becoming slimmer with age, and the longer I’ve spent in “unskilled” work. Even after having my CV checked by professional friends and recruiters I still mostly get rejections or the very rare time I get an interview, my autism lets me down.

I’m no longer close with my parents or siblings because I’m so deeply ashamed of how much I failed in life. Any time I see them they will bring up my failings (“why haven’t you found a better job yet?” “When are you going to settle down?)

Every other family friend/relative managed to achieve most if not all of my ‘dreams’ which seem so far out of reach to me. I dread Christmas or weddings now because it only reminds me of how I messed up in life.

I’ve also started to lose my hair which I think may be due to stress and/or malnutrition, but it’s another problem I just don’t have the energy or money to acknowledge. Guess it’s just another thing to make my already tragic dating life harder.

I’m not depressed but what is there to look forward to in life when you failed to achieve all of your goals?
Sometimes I think I should humble myself and accept I’m just not good enough to achieve those things but

How old are you? Difficult to give advice without that info. Would be different age 28 to 38 or 48

Build bridges with your family.

Almost every never lives their dreams

You live independently, you have a paycheck, you had 3 years at university to further your education. These are goals many don't have.

Be honest with your family

When are you going to meet someone?

No idea

When are you going to get a better job?
I'm working towards it but nothing's happening yet

Families are the greatest annoyance but xan also be where you get the only/most support and escape sometimes.

Christmas is coming, get some cards and presents, forgive them whatever they have done. Take an interest in their lives. Look to next year being back as part of your clan.

Take the rest from there

29
I know there will be plenty of people who met the love of their life in their thirties/fourties, but chances are they still had dating experience before. I’ve never been in a relationship, not even a situationship. I don’t know anyone in my personal life in this position.
If I failed to find someone at my ‘peak’, common sense tells me it will only become less likely to find a partner.

Admittedly I’m not bringing much to the table, below average in looks, ASD and no career

I also have ASD and made a big mess of my life. When I was 29 I was unemployed claiming benefits, living in a house share, single, and hopeless. A year later I met my husband. I’m now in my 50s and life definitely hasn’t turned out the way I’d hoped. However, I have a wonderful kind husband who (after some teething problems) fully supports all my strange autistic behaviour . We own a modest home.
I don’t have a pension, money is often tight, and I still only have a basic job due to my problems with interpersonal relationships. But overall life is ok.
You are still very young. Please don’t feel like it’s too late. You don’t have to achieve it all to be content. It doesn’t matter what your family think about your life. Try to channel your energies into activities that you love. Maybe you’ll come across a likeminded person to share your life with. Please don’t feel like you’ve failed. There is lots of time left.

Do you mind me asking what you do for a living, OP? Also what your degree is in?

@Rugglesbarry thank you for your kind comment

I guess I accept failure as it's actually a lot easier for me to cope with than what it would have taken to obtain success.
I know people who have plenty of money and status but they got there by stepping on other people and doing them dirty.
I'm happy in my conscience that the small things I do have at least haven't come at someone else's expense. Other than the benefits I have to claim, but I paid my taxes for twenty years so again, it's about just getting by the best you can. And being a nice person.

I couldn't not comment. I restarted my career at 32 in a voluntary role and reached a managerial role. The one thing, only thing, you have to accept is that you are not living your life on the same timescale as everyone else. You are on your own timescale. Who says you can't do things at certain ages? The only limits are in your head. Yes if you want biological children then that is something to seriously consider now as to what the plan is but everything literally everything else is negotiable.

The other piece of advice I would give you is that if you want to get ahead in your career then you have to invest in training and professional development.
Finally you may be thinking this is you and ASD and I am not disputing the challenges but we also live in a much harder world now where costs of living are much higher.

Defo take a Multivitamin too.

You live independently in a flat share.
You work.
You make ends meet.
At just 29 you are doing fine. I see no failure in your story.
My advice is to keep on keeping on ... and try to spend as much time as possible doing the things you love.

Degree in humanities so admittedly not particularly useful but most people don’t end up working in same area. Similar to Politics.

I did my placement year in Marketing for financial services company, who then let me carry on working part time in my final year and offered me a grad job. I declined as a larger financial services company offered me a Marketing grad job with better salary. Stayed in this grad job for over a year, hit all targets and got a payrise but then I moved cities due to personal reasons. Although I did well in both jobs, it was ‘basic’ marketing. I never got much training or upskilling opportunities just bare minimum to do low skilled tasks. All in all, the skills gained from these experiences aren’t that desirable, mostly soft skills and awareness of working in FS.

(Unless you get a graduate scheme where they’re actually willing to train you) Most junior marketing roles I see ask for working experience of technical skills (eg advanced SEO, affiliate, AdWords, Salesforce, Tableau etc) and don’t even pay that much more to what I was earning previously. We didn’t use those things at my previous roles and even if I self teach it’s not going to be the same as those who have working experience of those hard skills. Not sure I could afford to learn some of them either, especially when it doesn’t guarantee me a job after.

When moving I didn’t find another similar marketing job within my industry, so I thought I’d take my current low skilled job as a stop gap. My current role is at an even bigger company so I thought although it isn’t in marketing at least having a ‘prestigious’ employer within same industry on my CV shouldn’t hurt my prospects too much. Except it did, and being stuck in this dead end role I get declined for FS marketing roles that would have been less responsibility than what I previously did. Lesson learnt that no one cares about the company if it’s deemed ‘low skilled’ work.

My company rarely has junior job openings I could move to which actually forms a career path and ‘work my way up’.
Instead they have a graduate scheme which is only for the smart ‘desirable’ graduates who are worth investing in. They had one junior role opportunity, outside of graduate scheme, that I applied for and got to final stage but I didn’t get it.

Currently work as a manual test analyst (dying field). No incentive to upskill in automation testing because my industry tends to outsource these roles to foreign workers who are exceptionally well educated and over qualified, and happy with low pay (STEM MSc and certification). I won’t be able to catch up with the competition and it’s not even something I remotely enjoy. I considered career switching from manual testing to ‘QA’ quality assurance but then junior QA roles often expect compliance knowledge which I don’t have. Also, as someone who constantly checks job boards there seem to be fewer junior ads within this field.

OP, I felt similar in my late 20s, there was a certain pressure to have life sorted by 30 and I was nowhere near. What helped me was slightly change my career plans and work in a similar field than initially intended/trained for. Although it wasn’t my first choice of work initially, I’m very happy in my job now. I didn’t have a relationship in my 20s but met my now DH when I was 36. My DS was born 3 weeks ago, I’m 41 now. Don’t give up!

Thank you for your kind comment. It’s just that from my own experience, I still can’t help but feel abnormal and extremely dissatisfied for failing to achieve these very simple goals. I knew the autism would probably make it harder but I selfishly still wanted to achieve them.

I regularly carry on with hobbies and socialising with friends. Although the more time has passed where I’ve strayed further from my goals, I find it gets harder to seek comfort from these things that would previously bring me joy now. I have a very diverse group of friends, and live in a very diverse city yet no one I know failed on so many areas like me.

Most of my friends will understandably have less time for me as they juggle marriage, careers and children which is just yet another reminder of the failings. Already, some of my old friends who live in other cities the only time I get to see them is catching up over their achievements and natural progression in life. I never have anything to celebrate

Thank you for your kind words, that is great to hear. Also congratulations on DS 😊

I had very good degree and everyone was assured I will take on the international arena of that field LOL. I did not. Started a career and it stopped. Married and always wanted to be just married and have children. No matter the jobs, the make of the car or is it a house or a flat. I have a large literary and other types of interests and am very introverted as well extroverted with the right people so life is very full

LOL, my mother in law is the winner here because her son graduated the biggest uni here and did not produce a career or massive wealth, so she wondered who will marry him. Hopping along, there me was , the same soul in a female body

We are not sure are we both ND but our daughter has definitely some diverse wiring ....she is smart and has many interests also. I do not want to worry that she will be lonely one day....what I want for her is to know her intrinsic value as a human being made by God for God. The same for you, you just as you are is all that matters. It is not about money, degrees, sparkling objects to show off....

You sound very like a close relative. In his thirties, feels like a failure and feels shame about it. He has finally managed to get into work and leave home but is very lonely because he’s cut all his family off for exactly the reasons you describe. Have you thought about this has affected your family? It’s heartbreaking for all our family who worry all the time and miss the person he used to be before he turned against us. His siblings say he is never honest about his life or feelings and that alienates them.
Have you tried being very honest ? Tell them what a struggle things are for you. They can’t know if you don’t explain. Tell them how their words affect you, because they probably have no idea. Don’t cut your family off, you will need them in the future and I’m sure they need you. Try to build bridges.

You manage to work and pay your way, you have a degree. You struggle with a disability and are showing a lot of courage because you don’t have much of a support network. Give yourself some credit .Not having had a relationship is not that unusual for many young men, particularly those on the spectrum. You are a unique and valuable human being . Hold your head high.

I was in a similar position to you in late twenties, flat share etc in London. I went into work I could get , and it paid off in terms of promotion and salary between 30 and 40 but I can't say it was my vocation, I just went into something ( finance) and worked my way up. And I literally went in with a very good degree at entry level, answering the phone type job. Sometimes that's the best way to do it, even if it's not the job you thought you'd be doing, it's work and it's experience you can trade up on. I spent many years feeling I'd failed after excelling at school, so much was expected of me. The pressure doesn't help much, but you can move ahead even if it's not the life you envisaged.

Very good advice.

I think you need to stop thinking about your life as "failure" and appreciate the good things in your life.

I am an under achiever, and always have been. I worked in boring office jobs for nearly 50 years, however I never wanted a career. I did own a house, but separation just at the time prices were staring on their crazy rise put paid to that. If I hadn't taken voluntary redundancy six years ago, or at least had looked for full time work afterwards, I probably would be able to buy a flat now, but I chose to work at temp jobs, part time work, and retired a year early, so will be renting for the rest of my life. I'm single, and have been for over 20 years, no children. No doubt many on MN would consider my life a failure, but I am happy and content, free of most of the stresses and strains many on here seem to have, and every day is a blessing. No regrets, and I don't consider myself a "failure", and couldn't care less what anyone else thinks.

I'm a diagnosed autistic and I have failed at having a career. It's definitely not uncommon with ND adults and my autism explains most of my struggles. I have several degrees and a postgrad but I have never had a graduate level job, and I've not been in employment for more than 25 years. I don't expect to ever have any kind of career, and no motivation to work as I have other income coming in.

I've managed to do OK in my personal life however - I'm happily married (to a software engineer, who is undiagnosed but definitely ND) with 3 DCs. I'm a sahm and financially I have no need to work (partly because of DH's wage but partly because of my special interest in investing). But I feel the weight of judgement against me for not having a successful career, of being seen as dull because my life is all about my family, and I'm NC with my own family because they have been unsupportive and their parenting contributed to my MH issues. I have poor social skills and no friends. I am 45 and I have come to terms with it, daily life is too busy for me to dwell on it, and I know that others would envy me just for the DH and DCs I have. I think you just have to embrace the positives in your life and be happy that you have those.

I’m sorry to hear that, and I hope things can improve for your relative. Apologies I didn’t want to go on a tangent in my first post, but I also feel as if my parents had been slightly negligent to me as a child. I often wonder whether my failure to find a partner or career path is linked to childhood.

The times I’ve been on good first dates, I still carry guilt for not bringing anything to the table and worry if the guy carried on seeing me I would only be dragging him down.

I’m not saying this is applicable to your relative but just in my case, I honestly think my parents brought it on themselves for teaching me from a young age only I’m to blame for failings. I was bullied in school and as a young child remember feeling too scared to tell my parents because I felt I brought it on somehow despite being a passive child. They also would discipline me for some of my autistic traits (eg shyness and stimming).

My parents are overly conservative, religious and don’t believe mental health issues are real. I remember hiding my NHS therapy appointment letter as a teen.

I already think failing to achieve my life goals is a punishment in itself, but the added pressure from my parents is too much to cope with. ‘Why kick a man when they’re down’

Although posting anonymously here I can be open about my life, I don’t actually ‘present’ as autistic and can mask very well now. (Well other than the fact I have always been single but adult friends don’t know that😂)
Hence, the vast majority of my social network is neutrotypical which may be why I find it so rare to come across people who’ve never had a romantic relationship.

Right. Don't even think about dating. That's off the table. You're 29, you're fine: your life isn't over and is just beginning. You're depressed and may need medication to get you out of a self imposed negative loop and get some therapy too to help. DBT.

So get a piece of paper and divide ir up into areas of life. And write down in each area what you would like. No restrictions or limits. Be honest. Family, love, friends, work, home, money.

And then take each one and write your goal in a separate sheet of paper: and under it some bullet points on how you can take a baby step or steps to start to move towards it. Every day look at those sheets and decide what you can do (it might only be one thing) per day. And record what you do. Daily weekly, monthly. And when you get big decisions or opportunities, look sr your list and ask does this fit with my goals my values and who I am.

Do this religiously. Because if you write down want you want - you can't get lost. And solutions and ideas will come.

You're just a ND girl whose self esteem has been knocked out of her: and you're not that person/ it's just a feeling. You are not your feelings.

Take comfort in the fact that you had the courage to write about this on here and that you can get up tomorrow and look forward and not back. Xxx

When you start to achieve some of these goals - short medium and long term, you'll start to ooze self confidence and you'll find out who you are and not who you think you should be in order to please/attract someone else.

You are so self-critical OP. I think you should be proud of your tenacity in keeping going despite your autism and you have achieved a lot more than you give yourself credit for.
i know you say you are not depressed but your constant self-criticism will be dragging you down.
Would you consider seeing a therapist to explore why you are you so self-critical and to learn how to look after yourself mentally and be kinder to yourself?
You are still so young and have your whole life in front of you. FWIW, I didn’t meet my partner until I was in my mid-thirties and we have been together over 20 years now.
Good luck, don’t give up and try to be kinder to yourself xx