DP said he wants no part

[noodlewoo]

In choosing what school to send DS to next September. DS will be 4 in February and although no official diagnosis he is clearly autistic. I have been told off the senco at his nursery to expect one in the future and I’m waiting for the decision on his ehcp. School applications open in November and close in January so I’ve recently been trying to decide which school would be the best. I’m completely torn and feel as if whatever choice I make will be the wrong one.

Anyway, last night I was discussing it with DP and he said he wants no part in it. I said I don’t think this decision should be all on me, he’s your son too. I know that when I choose, he’ll put the blame 100% on me if it turns out to be the wrong decision

Edited to say torn between mainstream and specialist

What’s his reason? (Not that there’s any good reason, it’s a completely bizarre and unreasonable position to take)

Does he opt out of other important family decisions?

Exactly my question. I assume he is an equal parent in all other respects? (I don’t assume anything of the sort, given this example.)

Well he’s still refusing to accept that DS has asd so I presume it’s because of that. I asked him why does he think it’s fair that I do this all alone he said “well because your the main parent” I was quite shocked at this

Are you a SAHM if he sees you as ‘the main parent’? Do you plan to go back to work (if that works with DC’s needs) and how do you both see parenting working then?

Some big conversations needed here I think, this decision is just the catalyst.

I know this wasn't your question but you mentioned you're torn between mainstream and specialist. There are some schools that are mainstream but have specialist resourced provision. My son started in one of these this September and it seems to be the perfect middle ground. He's in a mainstream environment, in a smaller class for kids with SEND and they have a specialist teacher and 3 teaching assistants for the class of 8 children. He's getting on so well and the staff are fantastic and understand his needs well. He's really happy there.

Your local council should have a list of schools with specialist resourced provision so I'd recommend including them when you're looking.

@LostOnTheWayToManderley I am a sahm and do plan to go back to work eventually but right now it’s not the right time for several reasons. He’s been pressuring me for a while now to get a job and when I give him the reasons why the time isn’t right he doesn’t have an answer

Are you struggling financially? Is your partner finding it difficult to be the only one bringing in money to the household?

Have you started to seek a diagnosis?

As a sahm I would expect you to be taking most of the mental loads here.

@TwilightSkies He pays the bills and I pay for food shopping, and anything DS needs so his dinners at nursery, clothes, nappies. Basically everything for him. I occasionally help with bills if needed. I get around £1000 a month in DLA and carers allowance

@Chillisintheair The senco at nursery have just sent off his ehcp. I’ve been told if they accept it then a psychologist will come and assess him in nursery and then take it from there. It’s all a bit overwhelming at the minute.

Definitely do take most of the mental load. It’s so hard

How will you name a specialist school with no ebcp? In my cou ty you can't do that. There are two different admissions teams.

@DyslexicPoster It’s just been sent off and senco at nursery is confident he’ll get one. He may not of course but I’m just preparing incase he does

I have never understood why one parent never pays anything towards their child when finances are split.

Does he do any parenting?

An ehcp will take at least 20weeks. Could take longer to sort everything if a specialist placement is being sought. Don't bank on this as places are extremely limited.

Do your research with local mainstream schools. Ask to meet the senco and discuss your son's needs. Put down the school you feel is most appropriate. Tbh a lot will be taken out of your hands and will come down to catchment areas.

If your dh is not accepting of your dc's needs then tbh he's probably not going to be much help anyway.

On the official school application, name the mainstream school that you believe will support your son best.

In the.meantime, progress the EHCP and see whether it results in a recommendation for a specialist school. If it does, an SEN school will be named in the finalised EHCP and the mainstream application closed.

As for your DH, is this the only area where he abdicates responsibility or does he leave you to make lots of decisions and then berate you when things go wrong? That's a separate issue ...

Is he not the 'main father'?

Why do so many men have children when they do not have any interest in being a parent...

I'm sorry you're in this situation OP. It sounds like you're doing all the right things with regards to your child.

If your partner does blame you if the school you end up choosing is for whatever reason not quite the right fit, then you simply remind him that he explicitly told you that he wanted no part in the decision making process.

Longer term though, is continuing on like this feasible? It sounds infuriating, tiring, and miserable.

Not only does he sound as if he has fully checked out of his responsibility as a parent, you also anticipate him 'blaming' you of the school doesn't work out? That's a horrendous way to live, you are single parenting anyway so to eliminate the fear he puts on you I would go full time single parent. What an awful man.

From my experience with my son you may find that whatever school you choose is only a temporary arrangement. My son was diagnosed with autism in Reception year and got an EHCP, he moved school for year 1 and 2 and then moved to a special school for the remainder of primary.

It can take a few goes to get the right school.

Whether your child gets a specialist placement will depend a lot on the evidence gathered during assessment, particularly from the educational psychologist. Consider also pushing for evidence from a speech and language therapist and an occupational therapist with sensory qualifications, as many children with autism have sensory needs (e.g. sensitivity to noise, touch, taste etc). Local authorities tend to resist special schools for young children unless they have severe needs. A mainstream school with a specialist unit may well be a good shout, if there is one reasonably near you.

I'd talk to your local SEN team to see what's what. Ehcp will take months, panel to allocate SEN placements will be before the 20 weeks ehcp deadline to finalise.

In my county if your not on the plaalcement panel meeting you don't get a shot at a sen reception place. All placements,are decided in that one meeting for reception and then thise places are full.

I think he pays for the whole amount of bills, rent/ mortgage/ utilities etc and OP pays the day to day expenses such as food, clothes etc

@PennyApril54 but that always seems to emphasise that anything to do with the child is the woman's responsibility

So does he think everyone is making it up and his son isn't autistic? That he will grow out of it? That it is a personal judgment on him? Are you on a waiting list to have confirmation of autism, or is he blocking that too?

If you have a special school near you that can meet his needs, I would strongly consider that first. It is generally easier to move to mainstream later, as there are more spaces and it is cheaper. Starting in mainstream and then realising he needs to move means fighting for a place in a year group that may well have filled up in reception.

Also please do prioritise getting some form of work, even if part time. You say partner, not husband, so you are in a precarious position by not having your own income if you separate.

It too early to know what his needs are going to be and can the school meet them unfortunately I think. If his needs are significant then I would go straight into a specialist school tbh. Some mainstreams are very good but it's a bit of a minefield.