Ex Wants Me To Change Childcare Routine

[Jacp88]

So, I know this can be a difficult topic. I'm sure many of you would have had your own experiences of this previously, but I just want some opinions.
Myself and my partner split 4 and a half years ago. Two years ago, she asked for me to coparent 50/50, something I had said I wanted previously. Throughout our relationship, and to the current day, I work a 4 on 4 off schedule. When she came to me regarding the 50/50, I changed by alternating days and nights to permanent nights. This allowed me to be completely 50/50.
The kids have lived this way for two years (Aged 9 and 6) and are very happy.
She's recently had a change in her life. She now wants it to be one week on, one week off. She knows that I can't do this due to my working pattern. She has used everything she can in our initial what turned out to be an argument, from her losing weight and being unhealthy because of my shifts, me being selfish and it making her a bad Mum because it doesn't fit in with her lifestyle etc.
She is a self employed groomer, and my argument has been consistent, and that is that she controls when she works, and I don't. I also understand that it isn't as cut and dry as that, but she certainly has more flexibility than I do.
I know full well that she plans on selling the house and moving into a converted camper van (Yes with the kids) Again that's her choice, yet she's trying to enforce something here that the children don't want. Forget my views, the children don't want to change their routine, and they've made it clear that they don't want to live in a camper.
What this boils down to is that she sees that she's trapped because of my shift pattern. She wants to start a new life but currently she can't, because of what we'd previously agreed. She is insistent that I change my job to accommodate a week on week off pattern. The irony of it all is, is that she's then 'dictating' my life, something that I'm repeatedly accused of due to my current job.
I genuinely haven't slept in 4 days now with worry. Again, you may all tell me I'm completely wrong and being unreasonable, but I'll take it if so

What was the change in her life? What is the current pattern? And does she actually need it to change or does she just want it to? Personally I wouldn't do week on week off with my 6 year old. Unless it was kid driven I wouldn't be changing if it's just that she wants that. Is there anything else that could be driving this? Fo you actually parent 50/50 with everything 50% school pick ups, 50% homework, 50% extra curriculars, 50% school holidays care, go to school related things, do parent teacher interviews, communicate with school, pay for school excursions, buy the kids shoes and clothes and uniforms and school books? Do you share medical and dental appointments? Do you do playdates and buy presents for and take them to parties that fall in your time? Sometimes this is recommended if the other parent isn't fairly sharing the load of parenting.

I'm not following. She's losing weight because of your shifts? What's the change in her life that makes her want one week on and off?

Moving home every four days gets less and less practical as children age. It is better to go a little longer and week on and off is reasonable. However, the camper van idea is really impractical with a soon-to-be-teen. They need privacy and their own space.

Go to court and get it sorted legally if you can’t agree.

Takes time and effort to change a court order.

I get how disruptive shift patterns can be but as self employed she has way more flexibility than you so it’s not fair to try and foist this change on you plus finding another job to fit around child care commitments isn’t always easy.

i love the idea of a camper van but it’s gonna be a nightmare for her if the kids aren’t on board with the idea but that’s her problem to deal with.

If you changed your shifts to accommodate once already to 50/50 presumably she was happy either that? It's pretty unreasonable for her to ask you to change your shifts again. But the biggest reason not to is that the dc are settled and happy with the way it is now,

If she's moving the kids into a camper van, tbh you're probably going to have to be prepared to have them full-time in the near future.

This, definately.

We have my wonderful teenage stepchildren one week on one week off and it's great for our family. But we didn't switch to that pattern until they were older (I'd have to look up the exact year, but around the switch to secondary school) and we only made the change because it works for everyone involved, most importantly the kids. We also have a comfortable co-parenting set up and live close by so when the DSC are with mum we still see them several times per week at their sporting events or similar, or just a mid-week dinner (and vice versa on our weeks). I think full week intervals are too long for most 6 year-olds to really have secure routines and attachments, honestly.

At the end of the day I think the status quo stands unless both parties support a change and it's also in the best interest of the children. Just keep going back to that - you don't think alternating weeks is better for your DC and you don't support a change. Refuse to engage with any personal arguments or back and forth, and if she continues then tell her you're only willing to discuss it further in mediation.

Are you in a position to take them more than 50%? You may become the RP in due course as three people in a camper van is no fun for anyone.

Surely she can move into a camper van any time, it’s not reliant on you, just selling the house (although best get winter over with first). A camper van could be great fun in the holidays, she can take them off on different adventures. I can see why she wants alternative weeks but she can’t expect you to change jobs to accommodate if you’re happy with your own set up.

If you work nights who has them when you have 50/50

Or you mean you work 3 nights and have them 4 days

If you’re permanent nights, why is one week on one week off any worse than any other 50/50 arrangement? You presumably have to have someone in to babysit them when they’re there the days you’re working now, can you not arrange for them to come in every other week instead?

Regardless of the above, though, I agree with PP that any change should be child driven, not simply to accommodate your Ex’s desire for change.

I disagree with the PP that as DC become older it becomes more practical to have one week off & one week on. That would not work for me, my ex or my DC. It depends on location of houses, school, extra curricular activities & work patterns.

It sounds like you’ve adjusted your work pattern once so you have been reasonable. I think you need to sit down with each other & each explain what you want & why you think it will also benefit the kids & decide between you. Personally I think you can only change if both agree otherwise you stick to that pattern now.

Could you negotiate on the holidays if she is wanting to go away for a full week. If your schedule permits taking an additional night or two in term time when they will value the stability of being in a house. I agree with others that very soon they will be voting with their feet so I would be considering a job/career change/ promotion so you can have them more often if needed.

We do week on week off and it works pretty well but that's just what works for us.
I'd suggest mediation if you cannot initially agree. I'm assuming you do 50 50 on a 4 day on/off basis?
If there something else driving this for her that would you would be able to accommodate? For example does she want more weekend time for travlling in the camper. Is there any possibility of you switching shifts back to day/night and would that help her in some way? It would potentially be nicer for you too? Non stop nights is hard work! It's been 2 years so it isn't "too soon" to ask this of work again. Rather than telling her all the things you can't do, tell her what you are prepared to do and see if that meets some of her needs.

Her camper idea is batshit of course but nothing you can do about that right now. But I suspect after a few weeks of living like this she's going to quickly realise. Kids may then end up with you full time.... would that be an option?

Who has them overnight when you work your nights? Or do you only do nights when they're not with you?

I would be going to court and opposing the camper van. Ridiculous idea.

There are many single parents who work full time and have their kids all the time, so it’s possible to work and have your kids, you would just need to have childcare arrangements in place. If your ex wife died, that’s the situation you would be looking at.

But there’s no reason why her schedule is any more important than yours or that it should get priority.

Why are people asking who has the children when the OP works nights? Obviously their mother does. That’s the whole point. He works 4 nights while they are with their other parent then has them for his 4 nights (and days) off.

The reason 7/7 would be impossible would be that he would be at work for 3 of those nights and the children would need childcare which would be nigh on impossible to find for overnights. The vast majority of single parents who work, work days or have family childcare for night shifts.

Thanks. It's early 😅

Hi all, I'm blown away by the amount of responses!
So, to clear up, I work 4 nights, then after my last night, I either pick the children up from school, or pick them up at midday during holidays/weekends. They then stay with me for 4 nights, at which I take them to school the following morning, or again have them until midday that day, before going to work that night on my first night. I then proceed to work 4 nights, and repeat.

In terms of everything else, clothes, absolutely anything they need I just buy. School trips are paid for, everything. I never ever go to her for anything and I take great pride in that.

Even though I sometimes work on 2 hours sleep (The days I pick up on weekends and holidays at 12pm after a nights shift) I have never once gone to her.

She apparently losing weight because she has to work every day, whether she has the kids or not, and therefore doesn't have the quality time I do.
She just resents me, and that's fine, but she wants to change her life and give up what she does for work (I've been told) and live a completely different style of life. To do that, she needs me to adjust, and therefore my shift pattern is what she blames.

Unfortunately life doesn't work like that when you have kids. I'm a lone parent and work full time, have my child full time, and I just get on with it because it is the only way to make it work. If the current setup works for you then stick with it. Especially as you've already changed your hours once. I think you've been very accommodating and if it were to go to court they likely wouldn't accept that you (a shift worker) should have them 7 days at a time (trust me I've spent a lot of time in family courts!). Just say no, not possible.

The change in her life has been that she's split from her partner. The stress of this is the cause of weight loss. I genuinely feel for her, but as much as I want to ease that, I'm at a point where I can't do any more.
She basically wants a complete change in her life, and apparently the 7 days off will give her that, although she won't disclose how.
All of the reasons she's given for this request, I've offered to help ease. Whether that be having my two for more time in the school holidays and half term, to even helping with money. She refuses. Therefore, the excuses she's giving for this change aren't the actual reasons, or she would surely accept?
It's going to get very messy unfortunately, and I have genuinely done everything to avoid that.

The problem, OP, is that either parents behave responsibly towards their children or they don't. If one parent behaves responsibly but the other doesn't, there's very little the responsible parent can do to get them to step up. I'm not saying it's right, but given what you've said you may find your children dumped on you (apologies for the description) for most of the time anyway. And there will be very little that you can do about that. Courts won't force parents to have their kids more.

I’m not saying your ex is 100% right, and her current insistence on change does sound like it’s all about her but I do think you’ve had it all your way so far. Week on week off might not be kid led, but your current pattern isn’t either - it’s you led. Current arrangements are entirely set around your shift pattern and what you find most convenient in order to do 50/50. While your ex has had to work around the kids being with her or not regardless of whether she’s working or not.

I don’t think you necessarily have to change your shift pattern, but if you want 50/50 you should find a way to care for your kids whether you are working on the days you have them or not.

Fully understand what you're saying, but not entirely me led.
Two years ago she came to me and asked for 50/50, as before that, she wasn't ready to do 50/50. I gave her a plan of what I could offer, and that's what she agreed to.
After 2 years where this has become our routine, where the children are extremely happy, and where I've not once been told that it isn't working for her, now it all has to change?