ASD daughter struggling freshers’ week, when do fees kick in?

[MazzaMaisie]

My autistic daughter had late diagnosis of autism, very bright but very anxious especially in new social setting. Was unable to attend high school but did attend college with a 1-1 support. Got good results but took a year out after being overwhelmed by exams. Is now embarking university degree locally, so living at home, DSA in place, uni supportive BUT freshers week has proven very difficult. Massive anxiety and feeling overwhelmed. I’m trying to be calm and supportive but she’s really struggling and this is before the course has even started…She desperately wants to be ‘normal’ and has been isolated this past year out in which despite my best attempts to encourage her did not result in developing the soft skills I know she needs. She’s really struggling to process and is worried about ‘wasting money’ if she has to drop out. I’ve told her it’s early days but on the other hand in my heart I dread it is all too much for her and not having a 1-1 it’s very different from college. I am trying to remain neutral and supportive but she’s so angry with herself and depressed. It’s been a harrowing week but I guess I want her to stick at it for a few weeks. Anyone know if universities have a cool off period if students drop out in first 2 weeks? The website says 25 percent, which seems a lot if she fails to get in the first day of proper lessons, and sadly I can see that might happen.

freshers week not representative!

She should stick it out

What will she do… come home and then be isolated again ?

wait i’ve just seen she had to drop out of high school
and only finished her education with 1-2-1 support
and then took a year out and became very isolated
and she is ASD

OP, i don’t know what to suggest

Hi OP.

Honestly? I think the only solution is to give it time. If that means losing money so be it. But she cannot just give up so soon. I take it it is hard, so hard. But she will regret more not giving it a good go now than trying her best and having to give it up. Losing money would be the lesser of two evils.

If she has DSA, ask her to get in touch with her disability advisor. Some unis offer mentorship, sometimes through an external agency. This is usually in the form of one-to-one weekly sessions where she can discuss any issues and receive some advice and encouragement.

I know it's hard, but she will get there, slowly but surely. There is no rush, and no need to take on more than she feels able to. One step at a time, two steps forward and one back if needs be.

Well done her on getting to uni! That must have taken a lot of determination. She can do it. Good luck 💐

If things haven't changed since I worked at a uni then the payment is made to the uni in lumps. A quarter once the student has registered around the end of October; the second quarter after Christmas and the last half at Easter. This is to make unis encourage students to stay.

Her loan funding (if she has any) will come in to her bank account around 5 days after she's registered.

So registration is the key date really.

Saying that, freshers isn't normal in any way at all and, if she really wants to make a go of it, I'd say to push through freshers week and give it a good fortnight of lectures to see what it's like. Also, we always found that real normality kicked in around mid November when first assignments were due in. It's at that point students seem to start to settle down and move away from their 'party manners' and to some normality.

I can't say for your daughter, but I found freshers week really tough.

It was such a big change, lots of new people and places. But for me the real killer was that there was no routine.

Once I started my course, got to grips with my regular timetable and essentially got stuck in, I had a focus and a lot of my anxiety went away.

Pastoral support should be available on campus from the start of freshers, but also don't write things off just yet. It's really normal to struggle for the first few weeks.

Also, she will not be the only one feeling like a fish out of water. ASD or no ASD they will all be feeling some level of anxiety and nerves.

She's not alone and it's important she knows that!

My ds was very similar to your dc and he graduated this year and says it's the best thing he's ever done and is so glad he persevered, despite it being hard. He had asd too.

Check with the university as most have an initial period where you can withdraw without incurring fees. Where I work it covers the first three weeks and if you withdraw after that then the repayments start to kick in. I would also say that she should at least try the first week of lectures as that will be very different to the chaos of freshers week. It will be much calmer, more organised, she'll have a timetable to follow, and a lot of space for time on her own to decompress, go to the library, or study at home.

My dd didn't even attend freshers week activities other than her course intro lectures, she lived at home but in retrospect should have taken a couple more "gap years" though we couldn't have predicted covid causing so much disruption that she dropped out. She started elsewhere older and lived in halls successfully

Sadly, this. She is trying to be 'normal', but what 'normal' is is not going to work for her. Her needs are too great. Uni is not the only option in life (and it is scary and intimidating even for NT students, and freshers is often just hell on Earth unless you are extroverted).
She needs specific provisions in place to help her in life and trying to force a triangle through a circular hole is not going to work.

My dd dropped out just before the 2 week cut off period.
She can suspend her course and take time to think if this is the right fit for her
Dd returned to uni the following year after reapplying

Freshers week can actually be pretty rubbish if you don’t drink/don’t like clubbing - and not all students do!

Assuming she’s interested in her course, it should get much easier once she has the structure of regular lectures & tutorials in place. She will also likely have to get involved with teamwork, so she’ll meet people that way.

In the meanwhile, see if you can help her find some clubs or societies that she likes the sound of. I’ve seen everything from cake-making to long-distance walking, any sport you can imagine, film soc, book club etc at dc’s uni! She will probably be able to join ‘virtually’ to start with, so she can get to know people a bit before meeting face-to-face, if she finds that easier?

Universities are big - she will find her tribe, and it’s ok if that takes a bit of time. Try to take the pressure off!

Freshers week is mental and not representative of everyday uni life. Does she have her timetable yet? Is she able to visualise her week and her routine? Perhaps once she sees where her ‘down time’ is around her lectures she might feel better. The first week of uni is the hardest though. Once things are familiar she may find her stride and there is nothing wrong with just going in for her lectures and using uni to get her where she wants to be academically. She’s there to study after all and the pressure of having to have this crazy, hard partying uni life is unnecessary and can be too much for some who feel they need to buy into that when they don’t. Everyone has their own journey.

She doesn't need to go to any events in freshers week.

Does she have pastoral or other support sat up as part of her dsa? My DD had study support weekly plus an extra tutor slot.

Other students who were more severely disabled employed their own 1:1.

I am in a very similar situation.
My daughter is now in week 4 of university (week 3 of lectures) and every day is a battle to keep her going. I am not sure how much longer she will last, I knew she would struggle but didn't realise just how much she would socially and academically. She too spent the last year without much company and everything has come as.a huge shock to her system.
My daughter also wants to live like everyone else and then gets depressed when she just xannot cope with it.
Definitely encourage your daughter to give lectures a go.

Tell her to ignore Freshers Week - we all did. We went to a Fayre thing then just did our own stuff. There is absolutely no necessity to drink a lot, shag random people or be the life and soul of the party! She can just use the time to find her way around or do things she wants to do. She’ll find it a lot better once term starts properly.

Unless you meet a great group of people, uni can be terrible. I was thrown out into approved lodgings, as there were no dorm places left.
It wasn’t great.
I met people later, but it’s hard going.

She will probably find her people by joining clubs and societies, if not on her course. There are lots of students now not into drinking and going out so much. And it's not the end of the world if she finds that university isn't for her or she goes as a mature student. I hope there is some support for her there. There must surely be other students with autism.

Also OP are you on WIWIKAU on Facebook (What I Wish I Knew About University?) Great help for parents there and you may also be able to join a group of new parents for your actual university and get some specific advice. Some parents have even been able to reach out to other students to look after a particular student in halls.

I'm a disability team manager at a uni.

Tell her to contact the disability and wellbeing teams and get support in place. If she has DSA in place she should have an ASC mentor, who she can see weekly/fortnightly. If not she needs to speak to her needs assessor.

As others have said, freshers is not the same as a usual week. She needs to persevere for a couple of weeks and see how she feels. She will need to contact her uni to ask when the cut off is. She can also speak to her academic tutor, they will be happy to offer support.

I don’t know OP, maybe you are expecting too much of her? Or she is expecting too much of herself? If she only finished college with 1-2-1 help, what were your expectations for Uni? What did her 1-2-1 help do for her? Emotional support? Help with the work, help with writing, understanding, prompting? What can you or the uni put in place to emulate that support?

I Dropped out of my first university a few weeks in (was a clearing choice and I wanted to leave to reapply for my top choice again which paid off as I got it) student loan had been delayed anyway as student finance were useless so hadn’t paid any fees so far and the uni agreed I didn’t need to pay for the 2 weeks of classes i had attended. So I cancelled my delayed student loan and only had to pay for accommodation for up until a new occupant moved into my room a week after I left.

My second uni I HATED freshers week - felt incredibly anxious and wanted to leave. Freshers week/the first few weeks in general are very different. I stuck it out and glad I did and ended up loving it for the most part

Ok so what course is she doing? Humanities is a very different amount of contact hours to a stem subject?

Can she possibly try a week or two with a normal timetable and see if she thinks she can cope? Lectures she can do online maybe and just attend seminars to begin with?

I've just completed a degree (as a v mature student) and doing an MA. My dd also has various diagnoses, dropped out of her first uni and just started at the uni I am at. She finds lectures a bit overwhelming, but has enjoyed them seminars she has been to so far as they are smaller and quieter than a lecture.

Freshers is like a club 18-30s holiday, horrific. The first few weeks are generally busier around uni as everyone settles down and gets into the rhythm of it all.

I've known a couple of students on my course that struggled with anxiety, horrendously so. They carried on and did amazingly in the end.

Just wondered if you were on Facebook? There is a page WIWIKAU - for parents of neurodiverse children (WIWIKAU = What I Wish I Knew About University).

There have been some lovely, encouraging posts about ND student’s first weeks, parents anxiety, mourning the same experiences for both parent and student when watching the NT families - and lots and lots of supportive reassuring posts from other parents. It’s a gold mine and a great place to post if you are looking for support from exclusively ND parents.

Thanks for all your replies. It’s definitely her choice. She loves learning, is very self motivated and independent learner. Got all 9s in her GCSEs and 4 A levels A* in sciences/further maths. The 1-1 support was purely emotional support to help her with her extreme anxiety. She coped without by year 2 of college and really flourished as paradoxically she is very social when she’s at ease with people. I tried steering her away from university despite knowing she’s very clever, any environment that is evaluative (and isn’t that life?) she struggles. I just needed to put my thoughts down as it’s been many years of supporting her and I’m totally on my own dealing with this and it’s challenging and overwhelming. Thanks again for your comments.

Sorry you are both dealing with this OP.
The money advice service at the Uni can tell you when the fee liability dates are. But get your skates on!
Alternatively you could explore support with the disability service. She may be entitled to mentoring specifically for autistic students. Usually a session per week throughout the academic year.