I worry I might regret my decision not to become a parent..

[LucidDreaming]

Not sure I've posted this in the best place, and not sure what I'm expecting from posting really as I know you guys can't make the decision for me, but I'm in a bit of a spin about it so figured posting here couldn't hurt.

Most of my life I've leant towards not having children. Not necessarily because I don't like them, though I'm probably not naturally maternal either. I'm 37 now so if I'm going to change my mind it needs to be soon, but equally this isn't a decision to be rushed either!

My fiance is supportive of whatever I'd like to do. I know he would like a child but he's equally happy without one and the freedom it gives us. One reason to remain child free is that I love to travel, and have a solid career which I don't want to be impacted.

But my primary decision is my entire life I've known I was different and worried i'd not be able to handle parenting well. I have a few health issues so was concerned how I'd cope. Recently I was diagnosed with ADHD and suspected autism which explained everything. Adulting can be a challenge, as well as keeping on top of a home with a fast paced career. Throwing a child into the mix may well be too much as I do find life overwhelming at times. Not to mention the thought of pregnancy terrifies me.

But I know plenty of people do it.. and seeing everyone around me having children is making me worried I'm making the wrong decision on this. I do have some family support around me, but definitely don't want to be a stay at home mum or part time worker as I love my job. There are no grandchildren in our family yet and this may be the only one.

How can I stop spinning out about this and be certain in my decision? Has anyone else been in this position? I get married soon, and if I do change my mind I'll have a short window before I'm likely too old. (That's without factoring in how easy it might be considering forementioned health issues anyway)

Just want some advice really so I can figure out how to stop this keeping me up at night and living rent free in my head!

I’ve got kids, and had because I REALLY Wanted to be a parent with all that entails. I couldn’t imagine my life without kids.

it’s expensive and time consuming. and for me it’s also rewarding and I really love it. we didn’t have much support and at times it was very stressful. Only do it if you actually want to imo, not because of what others think.

maybe write a list of positives and negatives with your dh and see if that helps clarify it for you op

Yeah I have thought I should do that but seems such a big decision to base on a pro/con list.

To clarify when I said 'plenty of people do it', I didn't mean the general population, I meant people struggling with neurodiversity and all the additional fun & games that entails. I think if I was neurotypical, the decision would be a lot easier for me to make, if that makes sense.

I think you will have children and you will enjoy it. This is just part of the process.

But my primary decision is my entire life I've known I was different and worried i'd not be able to handle parenting well. I have a few health issues so was concerned how I'd cope. Recently I was diagnosed with ADHD and suspected autism which explained everything. Adulting can be a challenge, as well as keeping on top of a home with a fast paced career. Throwing a child into the mix may well be too much as I do find life overwhelming at times.

When you discuss this with your fiance what is his response? How would he envisage it working if you had a child?
This is key to whether you two could make it work or not. How would you divvy up responsibilities, parental leave, earning etc? Because if you aren't on the same page about how the parenting burden would be carried then do not have children with him.

Also, consider - in 10 years time would you like to be a mother or not? It's easy to see why you wouldn't want to impact your lifestyle at 38. But how about at 48? 55?

Ah @LucidDreaming
completely understand your predicament. Given how much thought you've put into it, it's obviously weighing on your mind.

I only decided to have a child at 34/35. The joy she brings me and seeing how good my dh is at being a dad is the best thing in my whole world..I can't decide for you but I do know if I'd not done it - I would have 100% regretted that decision. It is hard though but worth it. Travelling is nice but one day you will crave a different focus im sure. I left it late and almost missed out, ended up needing ivf (worked first time) but I was completely heartbroken the thought of not getting pregnant it definitely made my mind up that's for sure!

Good luck im sure you will reach the right decisions for you

I wouldn't worry about the travel aspect, get them used to traveling from a young age and they get used to it, you have to pack alot of stuff for them but it's doable. If you can use grandparents for childcare then do so, will cut down on costs. Nurseries are very good and the government are getting there with offering more to working mother's re childcare. As for juggling everything? It's hard. Compromises have to be made. Babies like routine and once baby is out of the early months, having a strict schedule is possible and will help you. It's my answer for everything but you could find a counsellor (person centred) to talk it through with, they could help you put all of your thoughts in order.

It comes across to me that you don't want children but are panicking because everyone around you is. Realistically something will have to take a hit if you have children and your life won't stay the same.

It's also common for relationships to completely change once children are involved. Many people I know had children because that's what adults do and some had a very strong biological urge but that does pass.

The best decision I ever made was not having children. Like you when I was 37 I briefly considered it but decided I could never give up my lifestyle.

Recently I was diagnosed with ADHD and suspected autism which explained everything. Adulting can be a challenge, as well as keeping on top of a home with a fast paced career. Throwing a child into the mix may well be too much as I do find life overwhelming at times. Not to mention the thought of pregnancy terrifies me.

ND seems to run though my family like a letters though a stick of rock most found parenting or some aspects enjoyable and ways to cope with additional life stuff.

However if you don't want a child - don't have one. Most bar few easy ones - are hard work and expensive and time consuming.

Your brain literally re-wires during pg so your prioritises do change - so hard to say of you think any lifestyle impacts will be worth it - and some women hate motherhood - it does happen though for me best thing I ever did and many who decide no children are perfectly happy with that decision.

A list of positives and negative and a frank discussion with partner about expectations of work load and how they really feel - good place to start but it's a huge change you can't see past with no right or wrong answer and a huge gamble.

@LucidDreaming

I've known I never wanted children since I was one myself. Never wavered from that, so I never experienced the doubt you are feeling right now. In my 50's now and I'm still thankful I'm childfree.

The only thing I'll say is that I always believed that if there was the slightest shred of doubt about having children, then the sensible thing to do is invariably to abstain, because in the event you later regret becoming a mother, by that point there is a child on the scene and you're not only stuck with your choice, but the child grows up with a parent full of regret.

What do you think you’re missing out on? I have kids and in your situation I absolutely would not. Logically, there’s nothing to it. It’s a strong hormonal drive for me that keeps me coming back for more. A terrible idea logically lol.

I wouldn't worry about the travel aspect, get them used to traveling from a young age and they get used to it,

That may not be true especially as Op is ND - higher chance child will be and while ND doesn't mean the child wouldn't cope with changes caused by travel I wouldn't bank on them adapting.

Also you have a strong chance of having a neurodivergent child and it is fucking HARD. You may have to give up your job to support them. How do you feel about that?

I don’t regret having kids at all. But I had no idea what I was in for. My first was like a bomb going off in the centre of my world. I was not prepared at all for the impact even though I desperately wanted a child. Some people take it in their stride—I was not one of those people. It changed me forever, but now I get to see my DCs almost grown and taking on life—it’s the most amazing thing.
Listen to what your heart is telling you and forget about everything else.

I agree. This made me laugh out loud. I seriously miss travelling so much.

I think it's far braver to know you don't want kids and stick to it . It's not for the weak im a FTM to a 15 week old I love her to bits I tried for 2 years to convince and prayed for her. I wouldn't change a thing but having said that never in a million years did I think I would be as hard as it has been not what I imagined at all and that's life but you really need to consider if you could cope ? What if you had a baby let's say that had colic and screamed day and night and didn't sleep ? Personally I think you know you don't want them but are panicking as the so called clock runs down

I've recently been diagnosed with autism after a long time suspecting it and struggling my entire life. I have a gorgeous little boy and another one on the way (currently 30 weeks pregnant) and while yes it is really hard it's also the best thing I've ever done.
I had my little one before I was diagnosed as being autistic so I wasn't aware of my neurodiversity then, I just knew I struggled more than others.
No one can make the decision for you but while it is really hard being a neurodiverse parent, it's also the best thing I've done and im extremely proud of myself for how I've managed to adapt. If you have any questions im happy to answer :)

You're going to have to trust your instincts on this one.

Yes, there will be regret about not having children but it may be fleeting and is a perfectly normal reaction. You will wonder what it would have been like, there may be some jealousy of others, panic about whether it's too late. All of which is normal even if you are certain of your decision not to have children.

There is a fear of missing out, particularly when all of your peers are having children, but that may be because it can be difficult to follow a different path.

You will have to accept that choosing not to have children carries an element of doubt - at least until it becomes impossible - and make your peace with that element of being unsettled. It doesn't mean that you necessarily want a child but more that it's human to wonder what the alternative is like.

I wish I could tell you that there will be a moment of blinding realisation as to the right decision but there won't be. That only comes when it's too late either way. Just remember that there can be joy and happiness with either option.

I think you should only have children if you know you definitely want them.

It's far better to regret not having them than have them and regret it as many of my friends do.

Me and DH chose to be childfree and have never regretted it. So many of our friends say if they could go back in time they would not have any and these are friends with grown up children, grandchildren and even great grandchildren.

Almost all of them are divorced and say things started to go wrong when they had a baby.

Me and DH have been very happily married for 45 years and all of our childfree friends have long happy marriages (all first marriages)

Imagine you woke up tomorrow, took a pregnancy test and it was positive. How would you feel? Would you be excited and start thinking about telling people the news, planning out how maternity leave would work, imagining yourself pushing a pram around the park with the baby. Or would you think shit, that would mess up so many things, I don't want to be off work for a year, oh god the cost of childcare, this is going to turn my life upside down and stop me doing so many things I want to do...

And also don't think in terms of "do I want a baby", but "do I want a 2 year old, do I want a 5yo, do I want a teenager, do I want a grown up adult child...". You're a parent for the rest of your life.

Imagine the decision is taken away from you and you've been told you can't have kids. Then try to observe your reaction and how that makes you feel, do you feel relieved or saddened? That works for me sometimes when I'm not quite sure about something. I wavered when I was 38 on having a third child. I finally realised at 40 that there was someone missing and I don't know how I hadn't been so sure earlier, but I hadn't. Luckily I managed to have a third child at 42.
Do what feels right for you. From experience, if you're thinking about it this much (wanting a child) that feeling isn't going to go away. That's just my experience.

You should only have a child if you really, truly, deeply long for one. And are prepared to sacrifice a lot in your life to give them the best chance in life. Time, emotions, more than money.

It's not just a baby, it's the rest of your life being a parent. The worries just change, they don't really stop as they get bigger and older!

And if you are ND, there's a higher chance your child could be. Would you cope with a child with disabilities? Having to be a SAHM as all the fighting to be seen, appointments, no suitable childcare or education available anywhere, means you can't hold down a job at the same time?

I wouldn't in your position. Think hard and look deep into your heart - do you truly want a child come what may, no matter what they may be or what may happen?

I agree with @mydogisthebest
that it is better to regret not having a child than regret having one.

If you have a child with significant special needs then you will struggle to work even part time.

You have said your partner is open to having a child but you haven't mentioned him offering to go part time or to be a stay at home dad to support your career so I don't think that he is overly motivated by the idea.

I’m 57 and child free.
I assumed I’d have kids, not because I wanted them but to fit in.
I could never imagine actually being a mum, being completely responsible for a child.

Over the years I’ve had three occasions where I’ve questioned my decision. The answer for me is yes, it was the right decision.

I have three children and I love them to bits but I’m curious as to when you think you’ll regret not having them;

Will it be while you’re out for dinner, not worrying about getting back for the babysitter?
On a child free holiday?
When you’re car shopping and you don’t have to think about several car seats in the back.
On a Saturday morning when you impulsively go out for breakfast?
It will be when you’re thinking about retirement and realise you don’t have to stay in work to get your child(ren) through uni? Yes, that’s definitely when you’ll really regret not having children 🤣🤣