I worry I might regret my decision not to become a parent..

[LucidDreaming]

Not sure I've posted this in the best place, and not sure what I'm expecting from posting really as I know you guys can't make the decision for me, but I'm in a bit of a spin about it so figured posting here couldn't hurt.

Most of my life I've leant towards not having children. Not necessarily because I don't like them, though I'm probably not naturally maternal either. I'm 37 now so if I'm going to change my mind it needs to be soon, but equally this isn't a decision to be rushed either!

My fiance is supportive of whatever I'd like to do. I know he would like a child but he's equally happy without one and the freedom it gives us. One reason to remain child free is that I love to travel, and have a solid career which I don't want to be impacted.

But my primary decision is my entire life I've known I was different and worried i'd not be able to handle parenting well. I have a few health issues so was concerned how I'd cope. Recently I was diagnosed with ADHD and suspected autism which explained everything. Adulting can be a challenge, as well as keeping on top of a home with a fast paced career. Throwing a child into the mix may well be too much as I do find life overwhelming at times. Not to mention the thought of pregnancy terrifies me.

But I know plenty of people do it.. and seeing everyone around me having children is making me worried I'm making the wrong decision on this. I do have some family support around me, but definitely don't want to be a stay at home mum or part time worker as I love my job. There are no grandchildren in our family yet and this may be the only one.

How can I stop spinning out about this and be certain in my decision? Has anyone else been in this position? I get married soon, and if I do change my mind I'll have a short window before I'm likely too old. (That's without factoring in how easy it might be considering forementioned health issues anyway)

Just want some advice really so I can figure out how to stop this keeping me up at night and living rent free in my head!

I don't think you need to be maternal but I think you have to really want a child and then there will still be very hard days.

I really really wanted children. But even though it is something I desperately wanted, it is hard and relentless at times and mourn the life I had. For me it's worth it, but I feel sorry for women of previous generations who didn't get to choose motherhood like I did and lost all the freedom without the spiritual reward.

As others have said, high chance of ND child because of genetic link (probably increasing as you and DP get older). Your DC’s autism - if they have it - may look a lot different to yours. My DH is ND and a lovable, clever geek working as a senior NHS consultant. My DS has more extreme traits including a tendency to lash out violently when disregulated. He goes to a specialist school, can’t use a knife and fork or do basic self-care due to dyspraxia and will probably never live independently. If I had my life again, I would absolutely not have children, especially where there is a significant genetic risk of autism.

I also laughed hard at the “just get them used to travel” comment. The photos from our only holiday with DS show a miserable, screaming child and me with a huge black eye. I’m just grateful that I traveled the world in my 20’s because now I can barely get on a bus.

I was certain I didn't want children. DH and I were together 17 years and did lots of travelling and had a nice lifestyle. I was 36 and at the point of thinking perhaps we might regret it if we didn't have children. We probably spent a year mulling it over and decided to go for it. I had one at 37 and the second at 40.
I had no idea how very difficult it would be and how utterly wonderful as well. Zero regrets 29 years later but I won't pretend the first year or two were not hard.
One thing that surpriseed me was that I didn't miss the child free lifestyle one bit. Perhaps because I was older and had done everything. The period of my life with small children was a completely different phase to what went before and since.
They are adults now but still a joyful part of my life.

Could you do it? I don't know. You would need to be a team with your partner. Have you family around? That helps though I didn't have a lot of help.

If you don't really, really, really want children don't have them. It's the biggest responsibility you can take on, an enormous amount of work and stress and there is no going back.

It's too big and personal a decision to rely on randoms on the internet for. You might regret not having kids, or you might have them and regret that too.

I didn't have any particular desire for kids until I got pregnant unplanned and then it was the most important thing in the universe. I have no regrets. I just wish that the rest of the world could be accommodating of differences and autistic children. They are wonderful and it breaks my heart that there are so many barriers to them thriving.

School does not and never will be able to meet my youngest's needs which brings with it a whole host of challenges. And yes, the travel comment made me laugh too. We can't get on a train to even go on a day trip as it is noisy and crowded and yiu have to wait for set arrival times. Car journeys of more than half an hour usually involve screaming, claims of being sick, spitting, chair kicking and releasing the seat belt. Restaurants are a no go due to noise, waiting for food and not having things they eat. Prepare that if you do have kids your life will change.

Saying ‘Go on, have kids, you’ll love it’ as some pps has done sounds incredibly irresponsible to me.

I don’t see anything in the OP’s post that suggests she really wants them - more that her partner does.

@LucidDreaming what did you decide after?