6yo violent at school

[Levithecat]

It’s my son ☹️ we have just submitted an EHCP needs assessment application, but getting the right support (probably a 121 worker) is miles off. The school have been brilliant with him and do everything they can, but his fight / flight response seems to have tipped over into just hurting any child without much provocation. Awaiting diagnosis but expecting autism (PDA has been mentioned).

I feel awful for the other children - and I’m really scared he’ll be excluded, if that’s possible. He has a separate area of the classroom and mostly separate break times etc but clearly he’ll come into contact with his peers during the day, and it was all our hope that he might start engaging a bit more with the class. Have done lots privately and school have had OT, SALT and an Ed psych observation. But they have no funding for more until the EHCP. Homeschooling isn’t an option.

any words of advice anyone? Should I message the class parents to explain? Say sorry to them? School is incredibly stressful for my son, but I’m sure the other parents are very upset.

Posting in chat because I want the views of parents with non-SEN kids

OK. What did the EP advise the school to do?

No do not message any parents. This really isn't necessary. If anyone approaches you tell them they need to speak to the school.
If you want to say something keep it neutral eg we are seeking further support for him.

I would also start looking round at specialist schools. You then know what you are looking for when the ehcp is granted and also what is out there if he is excluded.

Don't contact the other parents.

Thanks - I won’t contact the other parents. School I assume are telling the parents how they will keep their children safe.
alternative schools are tricky - ds is bright and capable academically - it’s the social/emotional side of things that he finds hard. Once the LA agree to a needs assessment we could start looking, but actually going would depend on our LA agreeing

School are doing everything within their capabilities and budgets, as are we - the EHCP is the only thing that will make a meaningful difference - but it’s the interim period (six months or so?) that worries me

It's really tricky. Temporary exclusions might not be a bad thing as it gives him a bit of a break and as the LA won't want a permanent exclusion so it may mean help comes quicker. I wouldn't contact parents but if they approach you then I would explain. My experience is most parents are far more sympathetic than Mumsnet posters. Also I know it might not feel like it now but it will get better. I was where you are and with the right support my DS is now thriving in a mainstream secondary.

Thank you for your kindness

I mostly agree with @Doveyouknow. It sounds like you and school are doing everything you possibly can.

I assume he doesn’t have to go to breakfast or after school clubs?

what triggers his violence? Can something be done to work around it eg if noise and chaos upsets him, Can he arrive 10 mins after everyone else so he comes into a calm orderly classroom rather than coping with the turmoil of registration

As mum of a non Sen dd, I am hugely sympathetic with your situation and equally I will always push school to make sure my dd is safe. These things are usually not in tension - if your son is supported, my dd is safer. Equally if your son repeatedly targets my child, I am going to lose patience pretty fast with the situation. I’m not a saint.

Gertie you sound very sensible! It’s how I feel. Yes, no clubs or wraparound care, into school early and straight to classroom with me or his dad etc. he finds groups, noise etc stressful so we asked for him to lunch separately etc. yes they really are doing what they can. I just feel incredibly bad for the other kids/parents too.

I think you need to concentrate on what outcomes you want. Are you hoping for him to stay in mainstream? Would his needs be better met elsewhere? You are his advocate, so need to fight for what will get the best outcome for him, not the other children. That said, his behaviour is communicating that his current environment is not working out for him. If he could cope with a one on one, fight for that.

I am sure all the other parents would be happy if you kept him out of school until provision was made for him. Knowing violence is likely to be done to other children, it really is the responsible move

Probably a visual timetable. I'm afraid I've not found EPs to be the silver bullet many on MN believe them to be. There is a limited range of things they tend to suggest and these often require high levels of TA support.

OP is there any other funding that school can apply for? Some counties have funds called things like Inclusion Funding, which lasts for a specified number of weeks.

Those parents can opt to give up their own job and homeschool their children if they don’t like it.

Does your county have top up funding/senif funding to bridge the gap between now and an EHCP? Do the school have an ELSA?

If you’re not happy with the school environment, move your child or home school.

In my experience, the emotional overwhelm/heightened cortisol is actually due to ADHD rather than ASD (a purely ASD child might be expected to have shutdowns, add ADHD in the mix and the traits are far more externalised).

Can you pursue an ADHD assessment for your DS? ADHD meds made the absolute world of difference to my AuDHD DS1. His emotional regulation and focus was immediately noticeable, and he started to fly at school.

No, IME they are bloody useless!

Unfortunately there are many many children in mainstream classes struggling with managing the environment and becoming violent. Sadly it’s just so common. I’d look into a sensory diet/explore where your DC’s sensory & cognitive needs are. How is their executive functioning, find out about this and learn about self regulation. Explore types of Play your child may need. Mainstream is not the place for children who can’t cope as information and sensory overload is everywhere along with expectation to sit still, quietly, at a desk. Many children need a play based approach until around 8, this is v apparent in the little ones who were babies in Lockdowns.

It is up to school to manage this. It is a pain that you have to get an ehc for help. School can't apply until they have done everything the LA asks schools to do first, but you can. You can apply yourself just by submitting a request. I suggest you get some support - contact your local sendiass team for starters.

I wouldn't contact other parents. You need to keep all communication via the school.

Do you know that you want him to stay at this school or is there specialist provision that might be suitable?

Those parents can opt to give up their own job and homeschool their children if they don’t like it.

^

What, all the 25 other parents, vs the one who's playing up???

That makes no sense and you know it

You think this is “playing up”

shocking.

I would push school and ask if there is any additional funding they can apply for while you wait for the EHC assessment. Log absolutely every incident he is involved in and make notes of every conversation or meeting you have. You can use this later when the ehc is produced or if it is refused. Did you apply or the school?

My son is very similar. Will follow this thread with hope that wise posters will have good advice.

But it’s just not an option. I’m divorced and have a mortgage to pay - I doubt my work would give me indefinite paid leave