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Doesn’t anyone read these and feel so glad to be single/and or lesbian?

71 replies

RochX · 29/09/2024 01:47

I mean? Don’t you? It’s mind boggling, oh I do every single thing there is to be done but I’m scared he’s cheating, or I do everything but I’m worried he’s being distant/his friends don’t like me/I’m not sexy enough. Doesn’t anyone read all this s* and think she’d be better off with a vibrator? So many of you are so scared to be alone it’s silly. Honestly try it!

OP posts:
Beezknees · 29/09/2024 09:36

girlonfiree · 29/09/2024 09:14

@Beezknees do you have children? If so, you haven't been alone so it doesn't count.
If not and you've genuinely been content and not one to feel alone then more power to you. I assume you have a great support network.

I do, he's 16 and will be off to uni in 2 years.

I have little other family but do have a great support network of friends because I have put the effort in to build one, many people don't put in that effort. It is down to you to make changes in your own life.

Pickledhen · 29/09/2024 09:39

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 29/09/2024 08:27

I read it and think thank goodness I'm married to a good one, but also that if I found myself single for whatever reason, nothing could possibly persuade me to get into another relationship.

One of the things that baffles and frustrates me most on the Relationships board is that so many women seem to think they need some cast-iron justification for not dating a particular man, or for ending a short-term relationship. Why do they think they owe these men dates, sex or a relationship? They often ask 'Is this abusive?' as though they aren't allowed to leave just because they aren't happy or it isn’t working or he's just a bit of a crap partner.

Sometimes you just need clarification it isnt just your own failings. I was bullied at work, but actually, stupidly, didn't realise it was bullying. Not because it was so low scale, it wasn't, I just never saw myself as someone who could or would be bullied. I am 5 foot 7 she was 5 foot nothing and a half, it seemed so absurd. I rang a helpline and the person very casually said '...so she is bullying you', I swear it was like a bang went off in my head...it seems so so stupid to me now but that is exactly what was going on, for months.

WWLD · 29/09/2024 09:43

I'm happily single, and know of lots of happily married people, and have many male friends.
While I'm not interested in a relationship (or kids) myself, I can see the benefits friends and family get from them. I guess, I'm more of an "Each to their own," singleton, rather than an "All men are arseholes," one.

purin · 29/09/2024 09:44

They make me sad for the women going through this and grateful to be in a loving marriage.

AngelinaFibres · 29/09/2024 09:57

Toddlerteaplease · 29/09/2024 02:34

No, because Mumsnet is a parallel universe. I've never met the kind of men described here.

I married a man who turned out to be not the man I thought he was. He left me for a 17 year old when we had children aged 3 and 2. I could have written many of the posts that appear on here. After a few years I met a man who became my second husband . He took on being a step- dad and does a wonderful job ( Sons are now 30 and 31. He came into our lives when they were 7 and 9). He is kind, gorgeous, adores me and is a fabulous grandad to my youngest sons two sons. I had a teaching job, my own house and a decent car. I didn't need a man and I had decided I would never bother with a man again. Having him around is really very lovely. He makes the good stuff twice as brilliant and the bad stuff half as bad.
Not all men are arseholes. There is plenty of DV in bad lesbian relationships. Two women together isn't all unicorns and stars.

Melonjuice · 29/09/2024 10:02

@CrazyGoatLady your post was great . It’s been three years since I left a rubbish relationship of a man who cheated on me many times and abused me whilst still showing love and I’m still not over him kicking myself for letting him go then horrifying myself as to why I keep having those thoughts
I feel guilty as we have a child . The man didn’t kiss me in 4 years
I think it’s called trauma bonding or something
since then have been trying to go it single but I’ve found it very hard isolating lonely and boring and I’m finding it hard to cope
so your post hit a nerve

Startingagainandagain · 29/09/2024 10:09

I agree with you OP.

I am happily single.

People will jump to reply 'it is not all men'. But my experience is that it is an awful lot of men...

In my life I have met many selfish, abusive and entitled men who see women only as second class humans put on earth to meet their needs. The patriarchy and misogyny are indeed alive and well.

I always think that women and girls would be so much happier if they stopped being conditioned by society to worry so much about their appearance (so that men can find them attractive) and no longer believed that the measure of success if you are a woman is still being with a man and having children and being 'caring'.

That means unfortunately that too many women put up with bad relationships, blame themselves if something goes wrong and exhaust themselves trying to please everyone else.

While men are very happy to always put their needs and ambitions first.

Healingsfall · 29/09/2024 10:24

I was thinking this recently as my perception of men/dating/being single is completely different now after 3 years of being single. I feel like I've broken down a barrier or something that I was scared of!

I had 20 odd years never having a break, and just jumping in too fast and ending up with dickheads and no real sense of who "i" actually was. In the first year of being single after the last long term relationship I joined the dating apps and was still in that pattern of giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, and still seemed happy the with breadcrumbs thrown at me in hope I'd be "the one".

Now after a long stint of being single I've become content alone and would like to meet someone rather than need to. I joined a dating site and it's like I have a different pair of eyes! Certain things from the outset such as: "crazy ex", "doesn't ask about me", "looking for a job so skint", "unfinished/unhealthy dynamic with ex/kids", "has a baby/toddler and more interested in dating than them", "inconsistent", "more interested in a situationship", etc... the list goes on.

My advice now would be stay single until your happy that way and only have a man because you want rather than need them.

anareen · 29/09/2024 10:27

I read those posts and I am very glad I don't feel that way anymore. When I think of bringing someone into my life again it makes me physically sick. I enjoy being alone now 😊

gano · 29/09/2024 10:36

LoopyLentil · 29/09/2024 06:36

I agree completely OP, I’m a lesbian and I find myself hoping my daughters are too. Even the ‘decent’ men I know, I discover things like they just ‘can’t’ get up in the morning with the kids or some such nonsense. And one of the most decent or so I thought has just told his wife that he’ll have no choice but to have an affair if she doesn’t increase her libido somehow.

Funnily enough, my ex husband said that he hopes our DD is a lesbian. He said the majority of men are just awful to women (himself included) and he doesn't want to see her go through shit with a man.

SquirrelSoShiny · 29/09/2024 10:43

I get irritated by these threads because they tend to simplify the wrong things.

If I would simplify anything it would be: people raised by emotionally intelligent parents with good boundaries will seek the same qualities in their partners and reject those who don't have them.

Unfortunately it works the same in return. If your family was chaotic, withholding, narcissistic etc - then that's what feels like home. We are drawn to what feels like home (without lots of therapy/ personal growth) and so the cycles repeat across generations.

If men have harmed you, don't get involved with any more until you do the work to clear the unhelpful patterns.

Lovelysummerdays · 29/09/2024 10:47

I’d agree. I don’t really want a relationship an
occasional snog might be nice. No interest in relationship / stepdad scenario. Kids grow up I’m downsizing, selling the house gifting deposits etc possibly as a fancy free 50 something I’d look for someone to have fun with, travelling etc but I don’t think I’ll ever live with someone again.

Healingsfall · 29/09/2024 11:29

I'm friends with a couple on Instagram, she's pregnant and posts updates, the most recent one being a picture of the bath with candles, cute comical rubber duck and a nice drink with the caption "boyfriend so lovely doing this for me". Said boyfriend "sexts" other women all the time. Pig.

RamblingEclectic · 29/09/2024 12:50

I wouldn't take relationships on MN anymore representative than relationships on social media.

Being bisexual and having dated both sexes, my experience dating women seems to have far more in common with what many are giving as their experience of dating terrible men. While I get prefering being single, the idea that women are easier to be in relationships with or that people should be glad to have the capacity to date women rather than men is not my experiene at all and I think doesn't help anyone, least of all those who've struggled with abusive relationships with people of either sex.

Every relationship with another woman I've had involved major control issues, manipulation, contempt and constant criticism (one I left after finally realizing every communication for 6 months involved criticism and attempts to control things down to who I was reading), full 180s in a moment that I was often walking on bewildered eggshells, constantly feeling like I must be doing something wrong, that I needed continue to prove myself, that there was always something else I should be doing that I'd have no idea about until conflict (and even then, not always). More than one involved serious lying, using me to try to get someone else and repeatedly putting me in intentionally 'testing' situations it seemed just to have something to yell at me or stonewall me about including disappearing for months and then coming back angry that I've moved on. I would far rather be alone than in another relationship with a woman and understand if that's all some have experienced in relationships with either sex that they might feel similar.

My relationships with men have been mixed, but never close to abusive. Similar with women, there is figuring out who just wants sex or status of being in a relationship or passing time and who actually wants a relationship and willing to put in the work, but I found far less guilt in walking away when there wasn't a match with men. I think there is some cultural socialisation there that we "should" be able to work it out and understand each other better by being the same sex that just isn't reality, all relationships require communication and we are far more individual that just our sex, and I was less able or willing to assume the worst in a way that seemed almost natural to be able to do with guys. I feel well trained to call a guy an ass and get him out of my life for crossing the line, but still a push to do the same with another woman, like I 'should' be nicer and more willing to put up with shit from someone of my sex.

As much as we can discuss the socialising of women towards marriage, since my childhood in the 80s and before, there has been cultural and social messages against marriage. I was raised to think marriage wasn't for me, that guys would only marry me for sex, and marriage and kids are only a burdensome source of misery by women who I only later twigged had married largely for money and/or pregnancy. I don't think culturally we have a good grasp on relationships - whether mixed sex or same sex, romantic or otherwise - especially not in how they are part of our lives with careers or other things that culturally are treated as 'worthier' uses of time and energy.

Tiredalwaystired · 29/09/2024 13:19

SquirrelSoShiny · 29/09/2024 10:43

I get irritated by these threads because they tend to simplify the wrong things.

If I would simplify anything it would be: people raised by emotionally intelligent parents with good boundaries will seek the same qualities in their partners and reject those who don't have them.

Unfortunately it works the same in return. If your family was chaotic, withholding, narcissistic etc - then that's what feels like home. We are drawn to what feels like home (without lots of therapy/ personal growth) and so the cycles repeat across generations.

If men have harmed you, don't get involved with any more until you do the work to clear the unhelpful patterns.

My father was a complete narcissist. My husband is the polar opposite of my dad.

For me it tought me what I DIDNT want

XChrome · 29/09/2024 20:06

VoteHappy · 29/09/2024 08:25

Actually the rates of DV and abuse in lesbian relationships in higher than in heterosexual relationships.
One thing no one has mentioned
If your parents were unhappy, your father abusive, it's like a blue print for future relationships.
You are programmed to seek this in a future partner and many women repeat the same pattern time after time.
This knee jerk reaction is because women experience this with shitty fathers, brothers, sons,relationships as part of the generational abuse of women that trickles down.
My husband is caring and loving, so are my sons, both in happy stable relationships.
There is so much to be done in society regarding the behaviour of men but also teaching our boys/ girls but I fear it's getting out of control with the violence to WaG

Actually, while the research shows 43% of lesbians have experienced DV, in a third of the cases is was from a male partner. One can only assume that before they came out as lesbians, they were involved with men.
If my math is correct that puts the rate of female on female DV as lower than male on female at 28%. Male on female is 33%.

XChrome · 29/09/2024 20:13

Haroldwilson · 29/09/2024 09:30

Meh, people often post on here when they know things are awful but need back up to make a change.

Lesbians and single people aren't immune from being awful. Being single means you have independence but also maybe less of a chance for someone to give you a reality check if you're being unreasonable about something.

That's what good friends do. They give you a reality check. Also other family members. It need not be a romantic partner. So I don't see that as a significant downside. Loneliness is more of a downside. Friends and family help there as well, but it's not the same as having a life partner, if the life partner is truly loving.
If he/she isn't, then being lonely is preferable IMO. Some people, however, will put up with a hell of a lot just so they aren't alone.

GameOfJones · 29/09/2024 20:14

No, because Mumsnet is a parallel universe. I've never met the kind of men described here.

I totally agree. I have a fantastic DH that I adore and does more than his fair share of housework and parenting. This morning I had a lie in, he got up with our young DDs and I came downstairs to him cleaning the kitchen. But if I put a post about how amazing my husband is it would be very dull!

My parents have been together for 40 years and are very happy together. All of my siblings are happily married, there is no divorce in my family and none of my friends are divorced either.

My life would be far worse without DH in it, he's great. It doesn't make a thrilling Mumsnet post though....

SquirrelSoShiny · 29/09/2024 20:19

Tiredalwaystired · 29/09/2024 13:19

My father was a complete narcissist. My husband is the polar opposite of my dad.

For me it tought me what I DIDNT want

And I'm genuinely happy for you. Unfortunately you're in the minority not the majority.

Runskiyoga · 29/09/2024 20:35

It definitely seems like heterosexual older women who are divorced or widowed are less inclined to live with another partner, and anecdotally via a female relative many younger heterosexual women have just given up dating in despair and plan to stay single. This is a big shift for society, and it will change men too I think.

RVEllacott · 29/09/2024 21:12

Agree that those who are happily married don't post. I've been married to DH for over 20 years, he's a decent man who respects me, is a good father and pulls his weight around the house.

My parents were happily married for over 50 years, my siblings have been married for forty years each and almost all my friends are (as far as I know) happily married. My only divorced friend is in a new relationship with a guy she's serious about and hasn't been put off by the break up of her marriage.

Clearly there are shit men out there but, based on my experience, they aren't as common as MN threads might suggest.

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