Doesn’t anyone read these and feel so glad to be single/and or lesbian?

[RochX]

I mean? Don’t you? It’s mind boggling, oh I do every single thing there is to be done but I’m scared he’s cheating, or I do everything but I’m worried he’s being distant/his friends don’t like me/I’m not sexy enough. Doesn’t anyone read all this s* and think she’d be better off with a vibrator? So many of you are so scared to be alone it’s silly. Honestly try it!

Plenty of men are bastards. But plenty of women are the creators of their own lives.

Well.....we all create our own lives, imo. Not just women

I've come across a few bastards, but mainly decent men who simply have squewed (compared to mine) views about life and women and how relationships work.

Hence, being in a relationship wouldn't work for me

However, every one of my girlfriends who are married are either in abusive horrible relationships which they are trying to leave or are resigned to.......OR they just can't see what their husbands are like (which is so sad to watch) and are totally against listening to any gentle suggestions

Me too. My husband does late/ night feeds for our baby so I can sleep, organizes everything regarding my car etc. Everyone's probably falling asleep reading this

@Pickledhen I agree some people can judge when you are single and don't have kids, but I actually think that once you get past a certain age its men who are judged more.

My reasoning for this is that women seem to be happier and more sorted doing their own thing in their 50s, 60s, 70s and beyond. Whereas men seem to struggle, this is just in my own experience and what I have witnessed.

Women seem to base their happiness/fufilment around hobbies, travel, friendships etc whereas men seem to be at a loose end and want to partner up.

I second this.
Bring single can be lovely just as being in a relationship with an amazing person. It's who you're with that makes all the difference to your perspective.

Lesbians can be in unhappy relationships too you know, I know divorced lesbian couples, living with a blended family. It’s all about choices, not all about men.

The main thing this thread tells me is that parents of boys will have a fair responsibility for making their child into one of these men. If you have a boy what are you doing to make things different for the next generation of women so that these threads stop? Because if you’re in agreement that men are generally “bad” surely the narrative in childhood about what a man is needs to change?

Honestly it’s such a shit show out there that if I ended up single, think I would never have another relationship.

People moan about negative things, decent to ok lives just aren't interesting.

Take child birth, here they last days, are agony, require a zillion stitches, were a medical emergency, or took place in the lift it was quick ... in the real world took a few hours but wasn't really that painful, no or few stitches and grandparents are neither ignoring you nor over the top either.

Financial independent higher earner of the household woman here.
Infinitely happier with DH than when single. Life with DH our two smalls and our pet is incomparably noisier, more chaotic and lovelier than before I met him.
I do not need his money. He does not need mine. If he fucked off I wouldn't be left in financial ruins. If I fucked off neither would he. Life with each other though is better.

But I do not create Mumsnet threads to say this. I suspect many others don't either.

I think @CrazyGoatLady nailed it. I'm in a similar situation.

I'm actually very happily married to a man who respects me and probably does more domestic-related stuff than I do if I'm honest. However, I could leave tomorrow if I wanted because I have worked hard to ensure I have the independence to do that. For me that's fundamental to making it feel like a relationship of equals. We are both here because we want to be, not because we need to be.

Even so, and much as I love DH and would cross continents for that man, I have pangs about being single again just for the freedom it allows.

I find that hard to believe unless you're living a very sheltered life, having dated much, having been in relationships etc.

I've got sons, and this is true. Parents do have responsibility. It's also tough when they get in their teens and you can't always know/control what they are exposed to around their peers and online. Older DS was never into some of the things we worried about, but younger DS is more impulsive and motivated to be popular/liked.

It's not always a popular view, but boys need male role models who embody (not just teach) good values. And they need female role models who have good boundaries and do not model putting up with crap from men or enable their sons to be lazy, entitled and helpless at home.

It can happen that men who have shit dads do everything to not repeat the pattern - I think that's the case for DH, both of us have rather useless/self centred fathers. DH did not want to be like his dad, he doesn't respect him. He also knew I wouldn't stay with a man who didn't pull his weight or expected me to be some kind of tradwife as soon as we had kids. I was not going to repeat his family dynamics or mine, both were unhealthy. MIL fawns over her sons (neither of whom are close to her because they find her smothering) and they could easily both have turned out spoiled mama's boys. She was a "boy mom" before that was a thing. Ick.

**haven't

Actually the rates of DV and abuse in lesbian relationships in higher than in heterosexual relationships.
One thing no one has mentioned
If your parents were unhappy, your father abusive, it's like a blue print for future relationships.
You are programmed to seek this in a future partner and many women repeat the same pattern time after time.
This knee jerk reaction is because women experience this with shitty fathers, brothers, sons,relationships as part of the generational abuse of women that trickles down.
My husband is caring and loving, so are my sons, both in happy stable relationships.
There is so much to be done in society regarding the behaviour of men but also teaching our boys/ girls but I fear it's getting out of control with the violence to WaG

I read it and think thank goodness I'm married to a good one, but also that if I found myself single for whatever reason, nothing could possibly persuade me to get into another relationship.

One of the things that baffles and frustrates me most on the Relationships board is that so many women seem to think they need some cast-iron justification for not dating a particular man, or for ending a short-term relationship. Why do they think they owe these men dates, sex or a relationship? They often ask 'Is this abusive?' as though they aren't allowed to leave just because they aren't happy or it isn’t working or he's just a bit of a crap partner.

Leaving is not always easy or financially possible and the question ‘why doesn’t she leave?’ is unhelpful and victim-blaming. It’s just another way in which women are supposed to solve all the problems (whilst separation and divorce often create new ones); why doesn’t he change his behaviour may be an equally important question.

Until the very recent past women were expected to pair up and be married and society and the church expected this for the good of the family, and often it makes more economic sense (indeed, taxation and child benefit are more favourable for two income households than one on the same salary coming in; women at a population level still earn less and are the main care-givers, so separation makes women worse off). And for many people, marriage or cohabitation works out one way or another.

But it is only ever women who are expected to account for their decisions to stay or to leave. I started to write more about my own position and what I felt and then I thought, nah, fuck this, no-one is asking the men to do similar and account for their choices.

Those statements aren't convincing because it's not a representative sample of humanity or human experience.

Humans don't like being alone. That's generally true for sure.

It makes me think I'm grateful for my DH and the boundaries I've set.

Well I've been single for 15 years and I'm happy alone.

I prefer alone too.

@Beezknees do you have children? If so, you haven't been alone so it doesn't count.
If not and you've genuinely been content and not one to feel alone then more power to you. I assume you have a great support network.

No because you're only seeing the bad?

There are many wonderful men in this world who are honest, reliable, respectful, funny, loving and do their share. My husband enriches my life in many ways and I wouldn't be without him.

I feel sad for seemingly bitter women who think this way and genuinely believe it. Live your life how you want but just because you don't have/haven't experienced real-mutual love, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

I'm

Meh, people often post on here when they know things are awful but need back up to make a change.

Lesbians and single people aren't immune from being awful. Being single means you have independence but also maybe less of a chance for someone to give you a reality check if you're being unreasonable about something.

I am happy when single, and currently I am in a relationship, but I know that if it didn't work, I'd be happy single again.
I have a career and a very versatile job, make good money and own my own home, and have my own savings. I instigated signing a prenup with my DP so everything is separated and we're both protected from some stupid laws in the country I live where, after 3 years, a relationship becomes "de facto" and every possession suddenly becomes jointly owned. I also refused for him to move into my house and encouraged him to buy his own home. He did that, and now we spend time in each other's house and time alone and it is absolutely perfect.
There are good men out there, but the majority are quite shit in relationships. Many men are selfish and immature, and expect to be "taken care of" or babied. Others have extremely fragile egos that need massaging. I don't have time for that.
I came across a man who is selfless, a very giving person, younger than me handsome, intelligent, has a good job, loves showing affection and seems to be madly in love with me. So I'll take it, because he does improve on what I had before. But if one day he does not, then I will go back to being single and happy.
The pinnacle of choice is not needing anyone.

My H is, I assume one of the rarer types of male, who calls out other males when they display twattish behaviour towards others or even just views of that kind.

This is what is needed fundamental change in the male social psyche.

H obviously demonstrates and teaches our two sons, teens, they are good young men. They are unimpressed by their peers who show hints of being grunts.

We are one small family. It's all we can do.

But to sort out grunt twattish men it has to start with other men. The grunts clearly won't listen to women.

And if H disappeared from our/my life, the possibility I could entertain company of another man, well I don't know, I have a mental list of twattish behaviour and views that, well it would be impossible to find another I could be bothered with I am sure.

I had an amazing dad, role model, my bar was set high, it wasn't about money, it was about being a good man, respect, kindness.